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Sunday 26 March
Local Fire Danger
STATUTORY (BUSH) FIRE DANGER PERIOD
(1st Oct 2016 - 31st Mar 2017)
NO FIRES IN THE OPEN
WITHOUT A PERMIT
(FDI rating for: Sun 26 Mar 2017)
Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.
On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.
Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.
Peter Greenwood 6238 3358
February Competition Results
Sunday 5 February 2017. A very hot day. 35 Celsius in the shade of a barbed wire fence. But a steady breeze over a healthy sweat had a kind of evaporative effect so the plucky golfers of the region sucked it up as they contested the Wamboin February Stableford. The day was sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families to whom we extend our gratitude for the prizes and food at the 19th.
Back at the community hall we stood around comparing our Australia Day gongs. Did you get one? Your correspondent’s must be in the mail – which bothers him a bit because that nice but underpaid Mr Ahab Fervour, the Australia Post CEO, got his already. I think it was for delivering a postal service slightly faster than Cobb & Co but slower than the Pony Express. And it explains why I didn’t get my invitation to the Incarceration Ball in DC (as we Deplorables call the epicentre of power-without-purpose) in honour of the old “alternative fact” machine himself, President Donald Trumpet. But I was buoyed by the news that my old mate, David Sodey, the lisping former CEO of Telstra, got a gong too. (Can’t remember what got him across the line.) Go Dave! All consumers of information and communications technology salute you. Good to see that Bungendore pastry chef, Cosi Panini, was made our Australia Day local hero. Cosi is starting his own political party, the Australian Preservatives, which will give a voice to those otherwise disenfranchised people who make conserves and stuff like that. Break a leg, Cosi!
Winners & Grinners
After the captain welcomed our guest, Tony Fitzgerald, Ted Evans and his straight man injected an air of cabaret with some ancient golf stories. Deb Gordon was awarded the googly ball for enjoying the day without the usual encumbrances. The dummy was passed around between Lofty Mason - who complained that because he played early in the morning to avoid the heat of the day he missed out being a ball winner - to Tim Barter who whined about ripping his finger on the fence at Ron’s Dam Hole (what a big girl’s blouse!). NTP and LD winners (sadly not including Lofty) were Tim Barter 4 (!), Tony Fisher 2, Matt O’Brien 2, Ken Gordon and Larry King. Third placegetter in the 9 hole comp was Deb Gordon with 17 Stableford points, 2nd OCB Lofty Mason also 17, 1st Ken Gordon 19. (John Whitney scored 21 but being a sponsor was deemed by tradition to be ineligible for a prize.) Third in the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 32, 2nd Matt O’Brien 34 and the winner was Tim Barter 37. Well done, all!
Next month will feature the Mad March Hare competition so we’re hoping that Australia’s acknowledged master of the brainfart, Bud Abbott MP, will present the prizes. So join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 March for the 12.30 pm cannon. Meanwhile, keep your paddle clean and bright.
Larry King, golfer
January Competition Results
New Year’s Day in the 2,017th year of the Current Era. Your correspondent will not lie to you (see below for plausible explanation). As he teed up for the Wamboin New Year Spectacular he was feeling decidedly spare to capacity as the result of a convivial New Year’s Eve. The tongue was swollen, the mouth was dry, the eyes were gritty and the hand was shaking. But we of the QPR are made of tough stuff so he valiantly fought the reflux and soldiered on. The day was sponsored by Dave and Jane Hubbard of Wiyagiba Trading (a free burial at sea if you can pronounce it) to whom we extend our thanks for the refreshments and the prizes. In keeping with the prevailing weather conditions the January comp is restricted to the ten holes along Bingley Way. By tradition, Hubbards' day is supposed to be a three- stick Ambrose. But the Captain stuffed up the message so most of us played stroke. Still, it was a joy to see Nev Schroder putting with his driver (and sinking them!).
Back at the Hall the tetchy bickering between the Captain and Mr Hubbard continued ad nauseum until the crowd grew restless and began talking amongst themselves. And what we discussed, of course, were our New Year’s resolutions. Here are mine. 1, I will not vote for the Communist Party (I think I’m safe here. I’ve never done so before and there is no foreseeable reason why I should). 2, I will extol the virtues of President Trump (and I will too as soon as they are vouchsafed to me). 3, I will consume more sugar (the way science progresses I think sugar is due for a good rap and I’ve always wanted to be ahead of the trend). 4, I will always speak well of our political leaders (they’re just a group of misunderstood people doing the best they can in our interests). 5, I will write the absolute unvarnished truth in this august journal of record (I admit I’ve stretched it a bit in the past but those days are over). Only time will tell if I can live up to those high ideals.
Winners & Grinners
The Googly Ball went to Tim Barter for his role as a gondolier in a romantic night on Lake Burley Griffin (named after Paul Griffin’s stout Aunt Burley). The dummy spit was tossed back and forth between our Captain, Peter Greenwood, and Dave Hubbard. A right pair of tossers. It was like watching Obama and Putin. Ted Evans sent in a story about golf in heaven. The encouragement award was taken out by Lila Mason. NTP and LD ball winners were Nev Schroder 2, Larry King 2, Pete Harrison 2, Paul Griffin 2, Joan Mason and Tim Barter. Sixth place in the day’s ten hole competition was Joan Mason with a net 38, 5th Lofty Mason 36, 4th Scott Mason 34, 3rd Paul Griffin 34 OCB, runner-up was Tim Barter 33 and the winner was Pete Harrison 30.
The February comp will be sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families. Do join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 February for the 12.30pm getaway.
Meanwhile, may 2017 be a year of unutterable boredom compared with the shenanigans, outrages and atrocities of the previous year in which, with some shining exceptions, personkind failed to distinguish itself from its atavistic, Darwinian progenitors.
Larry King, golfer
December Competition Results
The Christmas Cup
Sunday, 4 December 2016. A warmish day which may have accounted for the smallish but selectish crowd that turned up for the Christmas Comp. Your correspondent would have thought that the predicted daytime temperature of 33 Celsius as pleasant enough. But then he is an optimist: his glass is half full (except when it's completely full or empty or at any other level). Mind you, it strains facial muscles to keep that optimistic smile on your face these days. With the economy tanking, the decision of our jovial PM, Malcolm Turmoil, to rule out an emissions intensity scheme (whatever that is), Australian kids getting dumber – except, of course, in the good old QPR (and Sutton), the Wallabies getting cleaned up by the Poms (again!) and our cricketers beaten by everyone but New Zealand (who are mourning the loss of their own top notch PM, John Quay (known to his friends as "Circular"), the rictus is starting to hurt. But just as one reaches for the knotted rope and the rusty razor one calls to mind Sir Mick the Dagger becoming a father again, cheerleading getting a go at the Olympics (can't wait for that), the Kangaroos sweeping the rugby league field and a chap feels fine once more. Especially about Mick who'll be over 90 when the kid's eligible to vote – if he makes it (Mick I mean, not the kid). And I'll bet Keef will still be going strong.
Winners & Grinners
The day's sponsors were Michael and Deborah Fileman and Rob and Penny Gibson. We sincerely thank all four for the provender and the prizes. Ted Evans made the pilgrimage from our regional hub to report on how a newly-wed golfer was able to correct is wife's hook. The googly ball was scooped up by Joan and Lofty Mason for their starring role in The Attack of the Killer Plovers who are raising chicks on the oval. The dummy spit award went to top sportsman and maths wizard, Alex Gordon, for chucking a rolling tanty for five of nine holes. (And I wasn't there. There is a God!) LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter x 3, Ken Gordon x 2, Deb Gordon, Paul Griffin, Pete Harrison and Lofty Mason. The junior comp was won by newly-appointed Sutton Primary prefect, Madison Gordon with 74 strokes for a net 31 after handicap. Runner-up was her cranky brother Alex on 61/32. The nine hole camp went to Deb Gordon 49/29 on a count back from Lofty Mason 44/29. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Tim Barter 83/67 from Paul Griffin 88/69. The NAGA Award was won by Pete Harrison 119/72 who regained the coveted Ned Kelly Trophy (made of genuine concrete).
Our next golf day will be held in 2017. Sunday, 1 January to be precise. So lay off the singing syrup the night before. The New Year's Day comp will be sponsored by Jane and Dave Hubbard of Wyagiba Trading. We look forward to seeing you at the Hall at 2.15pm (not the usual 12.30pm start) for the traditional shot gun start, the event being played over 10 holes in deference to the warmer summer weather. Meanwhile, on behalf of the R & A Wamboin Golf Club your correspondent wishes you a Merry Christmas and all the best for the coming year which looks like being a tough one, not least because of the apparent stasis and inertia on the part of our learned leaders. My old mate, M T Cicero, would sum it up thus: Quo usque tandem abutere, Malcolmus, patientia nostra? Look it up. It'll give you something else to do over the festive season.
Larry King, golfer
November Competition Results
The 31st Wamboin Open
Sunday 6 November, Wamboin Open day. A beautiful, mild, early Summer’s day which brought golfers in their thousands – or thereabouts – to the fray. Naturally, the crowd was agog with the amazing developments in the US presidential campaign. Who would have thought you could rent the FBI? Regular readers of this column will know that your correspondent, a renowned psephologist (the P is silent – as in surfing) has for many months been predicting a landslide victory for Donald Trumpet. Oh yes, he has! What you don’t know is the remarkable connection the Donald has with our region, viz: that he acquired his distinctive hairstyle right here in the QPR. When he and the beautiful Melaria came out here on their honeymoon Don’s rapidly receding hair, fluttering in a stiff Wamboin breeze, attracted the attention of a semi arboreal marsupial of the family Phalangeridae, otherwise known as the common brushtail possum. Long story short, Donny and the possum have been inseparable ever since. He refers to it as the GOP (Grand Old Possum) and wears it on his head on every occasion.
What’s this got to do with the Wamboin Open, I hear you cry. Well, buckle up and come for the ride because it turns out that in a deal brokered by Don-boy and our own decisive and charismatic PM, local golfer and stone mason, Mick Buonarroti, has been appointed to take the asylum seekers on Nauru and Manus to the US where they will build a wall along the Mexican border: two problems solved simultaneously.
Meanwhile back at Trumpet Tower on Bingley Way the captain welcomed our guests Craig Bradley and Peter Kelly and thanked the club for providing the food and prizes. The googly ball went to your correspondent who arrived just in time to play the 19th , having spent a long weekend fishing in the mountains (watch for separate report). Len Ivey spat the dummy but we don’t know why considering his result (read on). LD and NTP ball winners were Rob Gibson X 2, Ken Gordon, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Charles Guscott and Craig Bradley. Junior Champion was Logan Beckett with 45 off the stick for a net 29, from Madison Gordon with 75/32 on a count back. The encouragement award for juniors was awarded jointly to Alex Gordon and Logan Robinson. The annual eclectic for nine holes was won by Ken Gordon net 27 from Lofty Mason 28.5. The 18 hole eclectic winner was Charles Guscott net 57, closely followed by Pete Harrison 58.
As John Philip Sousa strikes up the band we can announce that the 2016 club champions (net scores) are: nine holes 3rd Deb Gordon 51/30, 2nd Michael Fileman 45/29, champion Rob Gibson 38/28; 18 holes 3rd Keith France 81/62, 2nd Charles Guscott 82/60, champion Paul Griffin 81/60 OCB. And as the pipes and drums of Her Majesty’s Loyal Burpers join in we can reveal to the world that the 2016 Ladies Open Champion (nine holes) is Joan Mason with 42 strokes and the 2016 Men’s Open Champion is Len Ivey with 76 off the stick. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all the enthusiastic sportspeople who took part.
Join us on Sunday 4 December for the Christmas Comp. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start. Wear a sprig of mistletoe and remember – it’s only a game. Larry King, deplorable golfer
October Competition [Non-]Results
Sunday, 2 October 2016. Well, smuggle me budgies! What a beautiful day it was. A fine, bright day. A great day for sitting around in your undies drinking from your shoe or just fishing for navel lint and solving the world’s problems. Or maybe oiling your brand new 7-shot Adler and wondering if we’ll ever get back the Bledisloe Cup. Or just doing a little macramé or cross stitch. Because golf was out of the question after the late September deluge.
The politically aware were still discussing the debate in that great big reality TV theme park, the United States of Disneyland, between Donald Duck (wearing a Davy Crockett hat) and Minnie Mouse (wearing a fixed smile). Those who prefer a bit more body contact in their sport were talking about the two grand finals over that weekend. First there was that weird four sticks game played by the southern socialists down Mexico way. But more relevant to us in Bungendore Tiger land was the NRL decider. Turns out we were all going for Cronulla despite their appropriation of the Viking Clap (not to be confused with a Scandinavian STD). But the real breaking news for the golfers of the QPRC was (a) the death of our patron saint, Arnold Palmer, and (b) the invitation to the R & A (Rural & Agricultural) Wamboin from the R & A (Rustic & Agrarian) Braidwood to attend the Braidwood Diggers Day Ambrose on Saturday, 12 November. Put it in your diary.
After the greens committee ruled out play to protect the course, disappointed golfers gathered at the community hall to attack the 19th. They were disappointed because the Oktoberkomp is the traditional occasion when you play as badly as you can to ensure a higher handicap for the Wamboin Open in November—an example of the low, bucolic cunning typical of the natives of this region. The day’s sponsors, L & L King, provided the solid refreshments for which we thank them. Ted Evans travelled out from Queanbeyan to provide his usual report on golfing matters elsewhere.
The Googly Ball went to that ex-parliamentary thrill-seeker, Wyatt Earp MP (retd) for his starring role in Gunfight at the IS Corral, a low budget indie shot entirely on location in Iraq. The Dummy Spit Award was given to Donald Duck for refusing to pay any income tax to the US IRS since 1996 on the grounds that he was a billion dollars in the hole after various businesses had “crapped out”—as they used to say in his failed casino.
If you’ve been concentrating you’ll have picked up that next month will feature the Wamboin Open. You are most welcome to join us at the hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 November for the prompt 12.30pm start. Queanbeyan players are reminded to wear a shirt. We have certain standards to uphold.
Larry King, golfer.
September Competition [Non-]Results
Sunday, 4 September. It was a beautiful, crisp, early Spring day. The golfers of this green and pleasant Local Government Area were preparing to contest the Wamboin Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason. There was a spring in everyone’s step. All over the course springs were bubbling to the surface, courtesy of 44mm of overnight rain. After the captain declared the course to be unplayable, we all springed (or sprang, if you prefer) to our vehicles and headed for the community hall to play the only dry hole, the 19th.
Meanwhile at Jedi HQ, in a galaxy far, far away the Jedi Council was debating the decision of the ABS to leave no room on the census form to nominate religions alternative to those listed. “How can we possibly keep track of our 64,000 Jedi warriors in Australia?” said the big asthmatic guy with the black bucket on his head. “Teed off, no end, I am,” said the little green bloke with big ears, wearing a hessian bag. “Argghhh, arrgghh, arrgghhh!” said that tall hairy dude. “Someone put the dog out“, said Lemon Solo. And that, believe it or not, is why they sent Princess Lilo and Lukewarm Streetwalker to Earth to sort it out. Their first mistake was to disguise themselves as the Van Klomp family on a “magic mushroom” trip from Melbourne to Yass where they had the misfortune to run into Sam Dastardly, agent of a foreign power. China Sam referred them to his mates in the EW section of the Peoples Liberation Army. It was just bad luck that Lukewarm stuffed up a promising DoS campaign by sticking his laser sabre into the IBM mainframe which haemorrhaged in a dazzling display of blue lights.
Back at the Bingley Way Battle Star the Empire was striking back. Thanks to Joan and Lofty everybody won a prize and was fed beyond the dictates of gluttony on spring rolls and other goodies. The googly ball was awarded to special guest, Tanya Plebiscite, deputy leader of the Vogons, who is calling for a conscience vote on marriage equality. The dummy spit award went to the Van Klomp family for their long range fustercluck.
Next month will feature the Oktoberfest Kompetition. Contestants will be restricted to three clubs and a beer stein. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 2 October at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm cannon. And if it’s a mild Spring day we can all go for a refreshing dip in any one of the swimming pools owned and operated by the Qantas Pilots Recreation Club—if they’re open. If not, you may join your correspondent in his back dam. And happy 90th birthday to Charlie Le Lievre!
Larry King, golfing Jedi
August Competition Results
Sunday 7 August, River of January, Brazil (where the nuts come from). That’s right, this report comes to you from South America—or it would if your correspondent was actually there. But the editor wouldn’t spring for the paltry sum he was asking to be our sports reporter in Rio. Never mind, haven’t we been doing well! At least the women have. A farmer’s daughter from Majors Creek, or somewhere very like it, has won the women’s crap shoot by making seven the hard way—with just one dice. And four girls from Bywong (I think) have won the pool competition by clearing the table in consecutive strokes. And now the Mudchicks have taken out the inaugural sevens rugby! Not to mention all those dirty brown medals we’re getting for not losing by much. And no “roids” or peptides amongst us and no “sewer inspectors” crawling through holes in the wall to change urine samples! How do we do it? I’ll tell you: it’s because our winning athletes all come from the Queen’s Park Rangers Collective, the healthiest region of Australia, under the benign and fatherly guidance of chef de mission, Mr T Working Trousers. I know what you’re thinking—it can’t get better than this. Yes it can, because the golf is yet to come.
Now that all the Australian golfers whose names you can remember have been struck down by the VIKA virus, the AOC has called upon the Wamboin Golf Club (our motto: golfus rusticus fantasticus) to make up the members of the Australian team. We had the final practice session last Sunday. The day was sponsored by The Tradies—Don Evans, Trent Able and Henk Berlee—clever chaps who can measure things correctly and use electric powered thingummies. We thank them for the prizes and eats including Henk’s legendary pea and ham soup. It was a mild, slightly overcast afternoon, still sodden underfoot from our record wet winter. To prepare us for Rio conditions we had to add to the surface water the contents of a couple of septic tanks, a few body parts and the odd wheelie bin of household garbage.
Winners & Grinners
Back at the Copacabana the acting captain welcomed one and all with a few well-chosen words in Portuguese. The googly ball went to Dave Hubbard who had to pull out of the Olympic golf team with a perforated bowel. This, it was noted by one sensitive soul, was poetic justice—for the first time in his life he was a pain in his own arse. (Sorry for that low level course language. Some Wambonians can be quite crude.) Your correspondent moved a motion of no confidence in the absent captain who underwent surgery on Friday, was up and walking on Saturday and could have presented himself for play on Sunday. The motion failed for want of a seconder. The captain is also the handicapper and no one wanted to spoil their chances for the Open in November. In view of such craven perfidy your correspondent had no option but to spit the dummy. There were of course NTP and LD ball winners but unfortunately no records were kept (tsk, tsk!). The 9 hole comp was taken out by Penny Gibson with 57 off the stick for a net 25; 2nd was Lofty Mason 44/29; 3rd Madison Gordon 75/30 (promoted to the seniors just for the day – I hope). The 18 hole comp was won by Paul Griffin 84/63 from Tim Barter 82/66 with Keith France 3rd on a count back 90/71.
Next month will be officially Spring. This means the Wamboin Spring Trophy will be contested when we get back from Rio. Join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30 pm start on Sunday 4 September. Don’t miss Joan’s spring rolls at the 19th. Adeus e melhores desejos!
Larry King, jogador de golfe
July Competition Results
Sunday, 3 July 2016; a perfect day for golf spoilt by the election party hangover and the absence of our sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, stuck in Mt Isa or Longreach. At least we didn’t have to calculate the additional ten per cent they normally insist we tack on to our handicaps to celebrate the anniversary of the fair and reasonable GST. The shire’s famous community spirit was much in evidence as we scrambled to make good the deficiency in food and prizes. Our thanks to all who rustled up the eats and an array of potable prizes. A feature of the groaning board were the classy toilet paper serviettes.
Back at the Tally Room the acting Captain welcomed our visitors, Simon and Marie Barter, Margaret Hammond, Scott and Lila Mason, Jobson Grothe and Putin Peiplefurst (all the way from Russia). It was no surprise that the talk was dominated by the franchise we had exercised the previous day. It was noted that during the great social media debate between the leaders of the major parties someone asked Malcolm Turnbull how significant to the nation was Saturday 2 July. And Mal said, quick as a flash, it’s the day before the golf at Wamboin. Straight up. True as your correspondent's underpants carry two sets of DNA.
Well, polling day has come and gone and the contest for the electorate of Holden Monaro has been won by Khaki Kelly (PhD, Alligator U), resplendent in full “cammo”, contemptuously kicking IUDs off the road side. A search party is still out looking for Hidin’ Hendy, the Howard Hughes of federal politics. However, these events, dramatic as they are, have been overshadowed by a cunning, last-minute plan, hatched by Former-Mayor-in-Perpetuity, Pete "Boris" Harrison, to call for a plebiscite on whether we should remain in the Palereanbeyan Union—the so-called Palerexit. Scottish rate-payers are said to be up in arms!
Winners & Grinners
Ted Evans presented his report on the use of performance enhancing drugs by Wamboin golfers but it has since been rejected by ASADA on the grounds the VB and Coopers are permitted fluid loss adjusters. As it happens, your correspondent cannot recall the names of the LD and NTP ball winners due to the effects of said fluid loss adjusters. The encouragement award, nonetheless, went to Margaret Hammond and Tony Fisher.
The 9 hole comp place-getters were: 1st Deb Gordon with 20 Stableford points, 2nd Alex Gordon 19, 3rd Ken Gordon 17 (well done Gordons!). The winner of the 18 hole comp was Vicki Still 37 from Charles Guscott 36 with Neville Schroder 3rd on 34.
Next month our sponsors will be the tradies—blokes with complicated tools who make and fix things. Join us at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm kick off on Sunday 7 August for as much fun as you can have standing up. Meanwhile spare a thought for the poor sod who becomes the nation’s PM. Who’d want the job! A poisoned chalice in one hand and a sh*t sandwich in the other.
Larry King, golfer and voter.
June Competition Results
Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 June 2016. Outside, Huey was throwing it down by the bucketful. The legendary Wamboin golf course was wetter than Harold Holt's flippers. The Captain called off the first 18 holes, leaving only one left to play. With fire raging and rain doing a clog dance on the roof of the Community Hall the Captain gracefully thanked our sponsors, Steve and Ruth Lambert for providing solid and liquid fuel. Remarkably, everyone scored a prize of the famous Lambert Vineyards bottled goods, even the many non-golfers who just turn up for the fellowship.
Conversation inevitably turned to the greatest geopolitical development since the fall of the Berlin Wall, i.e. viz and to whit: the creation of the Peoples Republic of the Greater Palereanbeyan Conurbation. Yes, folks, despite the Herculean efforts of our champion State member, Seve Bolero, to defend our independence we are sliding like Jonah into the gaping maw of the Queanbeyan whale. At least we'll have three golf courses. And continuing stability is assured because Premier Beard has appointed Queanbeyan supremo, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, to run the show (much like a feudal baron) until new Council elections next year. And you thought an eight-week federal election campaign too long and boring!
The googly ball went to Pete Harrison who will forever remain the Mayor of the former Palerang Shire—and thus entitled to the dole, horse-drawn transport and meals-on-wheels for life. The dummy spit was awarded to those councillors who refused to accept with becoming grace the treachery of the Sydney silvertails. Nearest the pin and longest drive were both won by Mr Working Trousers for (a) scoring the top job and (b) agreeing to drive all the way to Braidwood for Council meetings.
Councils come and Councils go but golf goes on forever. Join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start on Sunday 3 July for the traditional EOFY shemozzle when sponsors Keith France and Kathy Handel (a name which opens many doors) will insist we add 10% to our handicaps to celebrate the glorious GST anniversary. Meanwhile, a local psychiatrist, Sigmund Shakespeare, has recommended we should stiffen our sinews, summon up the blood and disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage. Or maybe just suck it up and do our best to load the Queanbeyan Council next year.
Larry King, golfer and potential branch stacker.
May Competition Results
Sunday, 1 May 2016. Much to their disgust, the vestigial Wamboin Communist Party were severely outnumbered by a fair swag of Palerang's bourgeoisie plus a sprinkling of the Queanbeyan proletariat who clocked in at the Community Hall for the May Day Golf Komintern.
The day was sponsored by former members of the ADF, mainly from the Senior Service, so naturally the talk turned to our new submarines and whether they'd be safe for our intrepid matelots. It was noted by local boilermaker and former sea dog, ADM Horry Nelson (ret 'd) that there are more aeroplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky. We all felt much better.
That is, until the terrible news filtered through that after days of turmoil the Mudchooks board had agreed to grease the skids under their CEO to the tune of almost a million dollars. This explains why they can't afford to pay their IT support to update the website. The former CEO, referred to in court as "Mr Jones"—clearly an alias—has agreed to withdraw legal action against the Board but a statement of claim has been filed in Queanbeyan District Court against the University of Bungendore and certain other parties. At least it hasn't affected our team's on field prowess. Bird is the word!
Back at the Bingley Way Winter Palace the Commissar welcomed our guests, Ted Evans (who spoke knowledgably about dingbats), Len Ivey from the South Coast and Rob and M-L Gorham from Boorowa. He gracefully thanked Paul and Diana Griffin for the eats and Tim Barter and Vicky Still for the prizes.
Winners & Grinners
The googly ball was awarded to the person who took his friend to a Mudchooks home game the previous Saturday, based on old, unreliable information on the team's website. (A few beers at the Royal were a consolation.) Steve Lambert scored the dummy spit for again whingeing about his handicap. The encouragement award went to Tony Fisher for a score off the stick of 108 glorious strokes. NTP and LD ball winners were: Paul Griffin x 3, Terry Fitzgerald x 2, Steve Lambert, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason, Tony Fisher and Tim Barter.
The junior comp was taken out by Taylor Miners. The 9 hole comp placegetters were: 3rd Steve Miners—father of Taylor and thus known as Major Miners (not to be confused with iron ore miners, C Sharp minors, Morris Minors or coal seam gas miners (those/racking miners !)—with 43 off the stick for a net 34 (his best yet); 2nd OCB Steve Lambert 45/34; 1st Larry King 45/32. The 18 hole camp placegetters were: 4th (stay with me) John Whitney 87/71; 3rd Charles Guscott 90/70; 2nd Len Ivey 82/69 and equal first were Tim Barter and Paul Griffin both on a net 65. But as regular followers of golf played in heaven know, as sponsors they were ineligible for a prize.
Next month our sponsors will be Steve and Ruth of Lambert Vineyards. Feel free to join us on Sunday, 5 June at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm shotgun start. Meanwhile we'll keep the red flag flying here!
Larry King, golfer and capitalist running dog.
April Competition Results
The Wamboin Mini Masters
This report comes to you from the British Virgin Islands where your correspondent is transferring his multi-billion dollar tax evasion—oops! I meant avoidance—accounts. Then he's going to sue his former solicitors, those shysters Mossack Fonseca, for criminal negligence in allowing details of his Panamanian transactions to be revealed. Is nothing sacred? It's not as though the money was all mine: I'm just the front man for 799 wealthy Palerangians using perfectly legitimate ways to sidestep the Australian fiscal fiend. So what if a few million stick to my fingers on the way through? You have a bad day; why should I have a bad day?
But I digress. The topic at hand is golf. Specifically the annual Wamboin Mini Masters. (At time of writing there's another Masters going on somewhere but we don't think it'll attract as much attention.) Simple rules: play six holes specified by the committee; return to the Community Hall to see who's made the cut; then play the same six holes again—whether you've made the cut or not (cruel!); then play the novelty NTP pitching hole on the oval: from a short ramp, standing on a tyre, from a T-ball stand, from a sand box. Got the picture? It's all Deadly Serious as you can see. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association who provided refreshments of divers kinds for which we thank them from the bottom of our hearts (and that, folks, is not a Spoonerism).
Winners & Grinners
Back at the Community Hall the Googly Ball was awarded to KRNC Developments for operating without a vowel. And, of course, the Dummy Spit went to Woolies. Best not to disclose who did or didn't make the cut, it might result in too many calls to Lifeline and Beyondblue. The names of the placegetters can, should and will be made public. First the pitching competition: from the ramp, Scott Mason, 2.1metres from the hole; from the tyre Scott again, 1m from the hole (he should always use a tyre—your correspondent has been carrying one for years); from the hi tee, Alex Gordon 6.2m; from the bunker, Dave Hubbard 9.66m. WCA President, Jenny Richards, presented the Handicap and Masters Prizes. Handicap winner was Dave Wagg with 58 off the stick for a net 42; runner-up was Dave Hubbard 59/43; 3rd Larry King 63/45.
And now the biggie! The Wamboin Mini Master for 2016 is Tim Barter with 51 off the stick. And how ducky he looked in the Greenish Jacket with the cuffs up to the elbows. Well done, Tim! Runner-up was Paul Griffin on a count back from Neville Schroder, both on 55. Our congratulations to all and our thanks to our sponsors, to the officials who coped courageously with the new technology installed by Nev Schroder and the pitching comp marshals, Charles Guscott and Tim Barter. Our next golf day will be on May Day (that's 1 May to you, Trotsky). We hope to see you all there at 12.15pm for the dependable 12.30pm start. And remember, the Workers' Flag is Deepest Red. So wear something red.
Larry King, golfer and IGA customer.
March Competition Results
Sunday, 7 March 2016. Despite an outside temperature which would melt the heart of a Cardinal, a reasonable number of golfers from the south eastern side of this desirable and hotly disputed shire gathered at the Wamboin Community Hall for the Mad March Hare Stableford, sponsored the Ken and Deb Gordon whom we thank for the bountiful spread and the prizes. This month we were honouring the memory of local accountant George Pell (not to be confused with that other chap). Not that our George is dead—far from it. He’s alive and kicking and has a doctor’s certificate to prove it. It’s just that his memory seems to have packed it in. The poor guy is getting the curly-lipped treatment from the leaking ventricle end of the media for being oblivious to everything else going on around him while doing the books for a large institution in Ballarat. Your correspondent can relate to George’s predicament: for 14 years your correspondent was the treasurer of the Wamboin Volunteer Bushfire Brigade and couldn’t understand why the crews kept coming back with singed eyebrows and covered in soot. But by golly the books were in apple pie order, I can tell you!
Winners & Grinners
Back at the Bingley Way Basilica we were again entertained by a golfing story from leading Queanbeyanite, Ted Evans, before the Googly Ball was awarded to Lofty Mason for a reason too embarrassing to mention. Your correspondent was given the Dummy Spit award for drawing attention to the tardiness of the prize presentations then leaving before the end. (He was roundly condemned for this churlish act.)
The encouragement award went to Raelene Beckett—mother of the month—who took the kids around the course while her layabout husband mollycoddled a so-called “injury”. LD and NTP ball winners were Charles Guscott x 3, Pete Harrison x 2, Paul Griffin, Joan Mason, Larry King and Tim Barter.
Junior comp winners were Logan Beckett from sister Phoebe. Nine hole comp place getters were Lofty Mason, first on 17 Stableford points from Joan Mason 16 points and Larry King 8 points (a lesson to us all: you don’t have to be able to play golf, to play golf). The 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 39 points from Charles Guscott 36 and Pete Harrison 35.
Next month, April, is the cruellest month according to local bard, T S Eliot. Not sure what old T S meant by that—or anything else, for that matter. Nevertheless, the good news is that on Sunday, 3 April the Wamboin Community Association Mini Masters will again be staged. Join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start to see if you can make the cut and wear home the Green Jacket. (Well, it used to be green but it’s gone kind of grey over the years.)
Larry King, golfer. Kind of...