Golf
Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over four properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course, except for one carefully manicured green, are sand greens.
On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (usually at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.
Then it is back to the Hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.
Contact
Peter Greenwood 6238 3358
November Competition Results
Sunday, 5 November. Some problems are intractable. Your correspondent will give you a hypothetical example: let’s pretend three brutal terrorist groups supported by a fundamentalist theocratic nation attack, without warning, a quasi-theocratic nation lead by an indicted white collar criminal whose government has progressively annexed land belonging to the people the brutal terrorists purport to represent. The defenders retaliate by bombing a large ghetto where the terrorists are based. Civilian casualties are high. The terrorists and their backer threaten reprisals. The defenders and their backer threaten serious consequences. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to negotiate an immediate cease fire, the rapid delivery of humanitarian aid, the recovery of the hostages, repair of damaged infrastructure and lasting peace in the region. This copy of the Wamboin Golf Report will self-destruct in five seconds—hang on to your electronic device!
You’ve got a better chance of winning the Wamboin Open. It was played on a fine but overcast day with an early pest of a wind which settled down as the afternoon wore on. The club itself provided the refreshments and prizes. But a club is merely an organisation of people, and the people to thank are Deb Gordon, Joan and Lofty Mason, Rob Gorham, Kathy Handel, Lou Griffiths and the Bungendore Butcher. The Open is decided on stroke play with a handicap division so the rest of us don’t feel unwanted. Thus, we set off hoping to get our names on the honour board.
Back in the tunnel under the Hall we gloomily scanned the World around us. Of that world’s 195 countries 40 are at war, either civil or external. That fact is so depressing it makes those knuckleheads at Snowy Hydro look like comic relief. Not only didn’t they have a slurry kit to keep Florence out of the mud but also, it seems, they hadn’t done a geotech survey to reveal the mud in the first place. Our taxes at work again. The good news is that they’ve found a scapegoat who’s offered to have his wages garnisheed until the $2billion is recovered. Looks like he’s got a job for life—or even longer.
Shouting “I’m a referendum celebrity, get me out of here! “ Elbow jumped on the VIP flight to Washington DC. I think he was away on the toes as the ‘week of silence’ ended. So he probably missed the usual howls of rage and general abuse from the usual suspects. On the bright side, the ‘handsome boy’ has been discussing things that are good for local and regional security and our economy. And a huge deal with Microsoft to protect us from ‘bad actors’ with laptops—a deal probably cobbled together with advice from PwC who will then sell the details to the PRC (notice how close the two acronyms are? They’re not even trying to be discrete!). We noted the federal Trade Minister is in strife for awarding a well-paid job to a friend (shock, horror!) after following ‘the usual processes’, i.e. giving it to a buddy in the normal way rather than stuffing around interviewing for the best person. The merit system is so time-consuming. Coincidently, the putative trade deal with the EU has fallen over.
Winners & Grinners
HRH Princess Deborah of Gordon, subbing for the captain, restored order by introducing our guests, Phil Beard, Darren Hurley, Phil and Siobhan O’Dendron and Polly and Bill Urethane. Ted’s Joke involved a sore thumb. Vicki Still got the googly ball for hitting the same rock twice (both strokes were, of course, counted). The dummy spit award was passed around from Tim Barter who, it would appear, after 16 holes ran out of things to whinge about; thence to Rob Gorham for complaining that his (considerably) better half wasn’t doing enough in the kitchen—a rather antediluvian attitude, I must say. The encouragement award went to Col Urquhart who played a splendid 19th hole but no more due to a persistent injury. LD and NTP ball winners were Matt Hawke, Cameron Hansen, Darren Hurley 2 and Tim Barter.
Winner of the nine hole handicap division was Cameron Hansen 48/24 from Chris Hansen 48/27 and Matt Hawke in 3rd place with 43/30. Winner of the 18 hole handicap division was Paul Griffin 85/69 from David Bailey 99/73. The Wamboin R&A GC Open Champions 2023 were: Nine Holes, Deb Gordon 50 and Steve Lambert 41; 18 Holes, Vicki Still 89 and Tim Barter 74. In congratulating our worthy winners and all who played, the acting captain acknowledged the green keepers who care for the course all year: the Masons, the Mustons, the Lamberts and the Frances.
Next month heralds the Yuletide when we vie for the Christmas Cup, an antique of fine bone china, possibly Spode. Sadly, the saucer was lost years ago. So don the tinsel, the holly and the ivy and join us at the Hall on Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 December for the ever reliable 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, ponder this: Do they serve Beef Wellington in the clink?
Larry King, golfer
October Competition Results
Sunday, 1 October. As your distraught correspondent sits here, quill in hand, we are a mere algorithm away from possibly THE GREATEST DISASTER OF ALL TIME. Forget the Great Flood, the Apocalypse and even the YES vote getting up. I refer to the likely failure of our Wallabies to emerge, dripping from the pool to reach the quarter finals for the first time in the history of the Rugby World Cup. (Choke, sniffle.) I’m sorry, I can’t go on. As my old pal Bill would say “my heart is in the coffin there with Eddie and I must pause till it comes back to me”.
Let’s talk about golf instead. With heavy hearts we gathered at the Hall for the start of the contest for the Oktoberfest Stein. Some—not many—were buoyed by Collingwood’s win in the AFL Grand Final on Saturday. The day was sponsored by the MiP, Pete ‘Icarus’ Harrison and the Lady MiP, Barb Harrison, whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. Talking about the Great Flood, I think we should remember that Noah saved the meat, not the vegetables. I believe there’s a message here for all of us, eh, Barb? Ever the politician, Pete called for the competition to be decided on the Stableford system, just to be difficult. It was a beautiful, if windy, day. So, singing snatches from the Ring Cycle, Lohengrin and die Fledermaus we set off in search of the Holy Stein.
Back in Colditz Castle as the captain totted up the scores, we debated recent happenings. We shrugged a shoulder or two at the news that Dancing Dan Andrews, Scourge of Victoria, has done a soft-shoe shuffle off the political stage. Who will ever forget the empty COVID-infested streets of Melbourne and the surreal, imaginary spectacle of the disappearing 2026 Commonwealth Games? Dan’s exit was overshadowed by the death at 87 of Ronald Dale Barassi AM, one of the greatest sportspeople Australia has ever produced. A state funeral for the late icon was entirely appropriate.
Everybody is still after the blood of James Alan Joyce, Qantas’ former stream-of-conscious CEO (he made it up as he went along). And they want the ‘leperchaun’s’ pot of gold. (Hint: they’ll find it at the end of the rainbow.) Remarkably, the board that was there when all that waste product hit the rotating air current, remains! That Chairman’s Lounge must be something worth hanging onto. There’s another poor chap whose exsanguination is devoutly sought: Eddie Jones, coach of the hapless Wallabies. Eddie is generally held to be the cause of possibly THE GREATEST DISASTER OF ALL TIME. But hang on. One win from eight games? It’s not the coach, folks. As former US President Dwight D Eisenhower pointed out, the search for a scapegoat is the easiest hunting expedition. Finally, a quick word on the Voice. No matter how it goes, it’s not worth losing friends over. As my old buddy, Christopher Hitchens, told me—you can’t make old friends.
Winners & Grinners
The captain interrupted by introducing our guests Georgia Baker, Jacqui Arrigo, Jess Hill, Nick Agostino and Nads (Nathaniel) Newman—all friends of Jack Whitney who’ll be in real trouble if the house is in a mess when Lisa and John get home. Robbie’s Riddle featured the skeleton dance and Ted’s Joke involved a scratch handicap. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for rapturously describing the Spring colours of the course. The dummy spit was awarded to Kathy Handel for complaining about having to prepare the five holes on their property while her partner, Keith France, played up his recent minor surgery (I think it was an in-grown toe nail).
LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon 2, Jack Whitney 2, Georgia Baker, Jacqui Hill, Rob Gorham and Robert Thompson who also—no surprise—took out the junior comp after finishing in first place in a national juniors’ competition in WA. Back in Wamboin, the senior nine hole comp winner was Rob Gorham with 21 Stableford points from Ken Gordon 18 and Larry King 12. Winner of the senior 18 hole event was Paul Griffin 37 from Tim Barter 35 and Vicki Still 29. Well played all!
Next month will be November when the club will stage its annual Open Competition. Forget the Ryder Cup and the forthcoming Australian PGA and Open. This is the one you want to play. So scratch whatever you’re doing on Sunday, 5 November and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm to register before the 12.30pm rocket goes up. Meanwhile, the members of the Wamboin R&A GC wish their friend and colleague, Keith France, a speedy recovery to his customary rude health in the hope that he may join us on the course in the near future.
Larry King, golfer
September Competition Results
Sunday, 3 September. So the head of Spanish football kisses the captain after her team won the World Cup. Come on! It was on the spur of a golden moment. And it’s only soccer. Even the men kiss each other, especially in all those Romance language countries in Europe and Latin America. Alright, maybe he should have apologised immediately afterwards. But think of his poor starving mother and cut him some slack.
But let’s forget kissing for the moment—it plays little part in golf which requires control of the emotions. This month we fought for the Spring Trophy (a real spring from the dickey seat of a 1929 Duesenberg). Our sponsors, Joan and Lofty Mason, whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments, declared a ‘Par Event’ which is like Stableford but gives you fewer points. I’ll explain it in a year or two when I understand it. On the bright side, it was a stunning day so we hit the course walking on sunshine as my old pal, Katrina, once observed.
Back under the graceful, swaying wattle, as the captain deciphered the scorecards, we conned our world. We dispassionately noted the passing of former Wagner Group leader, Yevgeny Prigozhin, in a plane crash near Mockba. No doubt Mr Putin is heartbroken at losing his close friend. No one expressed sympathy for convicted sexual molester, Malka Leifer, despite her determined efforts to make the tea cosy a headwear fashion trend.
The legal equivalent of the perpetual motion machine continues in the ACT. It looks like all parties in a certain aborted case in the Supreme Court are, or soon will be, suing each other. It’s the gift that keeps on giving for the media and the legal profession. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing in slow economic times if we ignore the fact that the cost will be borne by the poor old ACT tax/rate payers.
Those dead money pits, ASIC and ACCC, are back in the news. The Hayne Royal Commission told us what ASIC was supposed to be telling us for years. Then five more years later all they can do is waggle a spongy finger at banks and other lenders for ‘questionable practices’. Get rid of them, I say! Meanwhile the ACCC, which seems to have been in diapause for the last decade, has stirred itself to sue Qantas for selling tickets to cancelled flights.
By coincidence, we here in Wamboin were thinking of raising money to repair Norton Road by cancelling an overnight bus trip to Majors Creek and then selling tickets in it, just like Leprechaun Air did. We would have cleaned up. Meanwhile, the ‘leperchaun’ himself has walked the plank. Let’s be charitable and remind ourselves that all the things that have gone wrong were approved by the board which is still there.
On the subject of air travel, we’re still grappling with the concept that denying Qatar access to more ports is in the best interest of consumers as opposed to the shareholders of Qantas and Virgin. Julian Assange is a much relieved man. Barnaby Joyce is off to the US to bring him home from prison in the UK. And we now know when we’ll be able to vote on The Voice. Its prospects don’t look good at time of writing. Never mind, when we get rid of ASIC, ACCC, APRA and a pile of other QANGOs we can spend the money on closing the gap.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called us to order and introduced our guests, Dave Traumano, Chris Hansen, Cameron Hansen and Steve Harrison. Robbie’s Riddle was about a spilt Scrabble board and Ted’s Joke featured the ladies’ tee. The googly ball went to Robbie for teaching his mother how to play. The dummy spit was awarded to Matt Hawke for losing four balls, and your correspondent for bemoaning the fact that he had been outplayed by wee Robbie Thompson. Matt and I feel treated badly for simply raising significant issues. Karen Thompson was given the Encouragement Award for preparing for next April’s parent/child competition. NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter, Steve Harrison, Robert Thompson, Glen Crafter, Ken Gordon, Dave Traumano, Gerard, Ryan and Col Urquhart.
The junior comp was again dominated by Robert Thompson with 2 points. Winner of the nine hole comp was Larry King 3 points from Deb Gordon 2 points OCB from Gerard Ryan. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Glen Crafter 2 points OCB from Col Urquhart with Tim Barter 3rd on 0 points (that’s a Par Event for you).
If you’ve been counting you’ll know that next month is October when we celebrate the juice of the barley as we vie for the famous Oktoberfest Stein. So don your Lederhosen and join us at the Hall at 12.15 pm on Sunday, 1 October for the Teutonic precision of the 12.30pm cannonade. You may not be aware that 1 October is the UN International Day of Older Persons. You won’t find any in Wamboin or Bywong. Don’t ask me why, it’s a mystery. A few of us may look a bit worn around the edges but deep inside is a pubescent youth trying to burst out.
Larry King, golfer
August Competition Results
Sunday, 6 August. Mexican Dan strikes again! There’ll be no Commonwealth Games in Victoria in 2026. The Games committee are gnashing their teeth, like gnus. British PM, Sushi Risnak, says Dan should find another venue. Worry not, Dan, we’ve already found you one. And we can bring the whole show in well below $1b with just a slight change to the name. We’ll call it The Commonwealth Game (singular), the game being Australian Rules football—all heats and finals run by the AFL at the MCG and Commonwealth athletes housed in those 2 star hotels that held the plague-ridden during the Great Victorian COVID Lockdown. Sports Bet has Australia at even money for the gold.
Plan B is to change the Game to golf and play it at Wamboin. Now, there’s a segue: this month we played the delayed EOFY Ted Evans Memorial GST Medal due to last month’s absence of the sponsors, Keith France, Kathy Handel and Jude Evans whom we thank for the refreshments and prizes. The sponsors decreed an Ambrose competition. So, having added 10 per cent to our handicaps and remitting it to the ATO, we boarded the tax-deductible charabanc and headed for the course.
Back in debtors’ prison, as the acting captain worked the comptometer, we mourned the passing of former RBA Governor, Philip Lowe. These days it’s just not enough to be brilliant, steadfast and faithful to your duty. You also have to be ‘empathetic’ when pulling one of the only two levers available to a federal government pretending to control the economy in a globalised world. We applauded the CEO of ‘big four’ consulting firm, Deloitte, for ‘fessing up’ to the fact that he’s not worth a salary of $3.5M/year. No doubt he’ll give most of it back. We thought Novax Jokitch was doing time in Al Catraz but it turns out he merely lost a tennis match. Elbo is starting to think the Voice (not John Farnham) is in a spot of bother. People are sympathetic but are (a) hesitant to endorse an ambiguously-worded statute and (b) starting to understand the Voice’s larynx: a large national committee supported by a large number of large regional committees. You can see how that will close the gap.
Oh! those crazy Russians, they’ve gone and arrested a gherkin! Specifically, Igor Gherkin, a pro war blogger who’s so pro war that he thinks Putin should step down and hand over to someone less passion-fingered. No doubt Mr Gherkin will Join Mr Prigozhin in a barrel of brine. Let’s hear it for the Tilly Devines! They have escaped the Gang of Sixteen to make it into the quarter finals. Rumour is that Mr Zelensky is thinking of asking Sam Kerr to sit on the bench for Ukraine to intimidate Russia’s less-than-impressive ground forces.
Good to see the former head of the department of Human Services taking the Roman way out in the wake of the Robodebt Report. It will be interesting to see if anyone at all is charged with misfeasance in public office. If not, the rule of law is likely to take a critical blow in the public estimation. Not, of course, in the ACT which is a model of jurisprudence as Sofronoff KC has revealed. And the AWM has unveiled a statue of Rocky.
Winners & Grinners
The a/g capt called for order and introduced our guests Kath and Cameron Hansen. He passed on apologies from Jude Evans, relict of Ted whose joke showed how some bad habits aren’t always bad. The googly ball went to Matt Hawke for bringing his special golf cart which literally Rolled around the course. The dummy spit was awarded to Vicki Still for abandoning us for the life of a grey nomad. NTP and LD ball winners were Vicki Still 3, Glen Crafter 2, Rob Gorham, Matt Hawke, Cameron Hansen and Colin Urquhart. The scorer couldn’t cope with the pure maths of the GST rule. Nor was he helped by the players themselves who formed three, two and, in the case of Tim Barter one, person teams. As a consequence, I can’t reveal scores.
Winners of the nine hole three-ball-best ball Ambrose were Matt Hawke, Kath Hansen and Cameron Hansen. Winners of the nine hole 2BBB were Pete Harrison and Rob Gorham. In the 18 hole 2BBB comp the victors were Glen Crafter an Col Urquhart from Vicki Still and Paul Griffin. Naturally, Tim won the 1BBB comp. For the record, my old pal Prof Brian Green has explained the GST rule thus: the team adds its handicaps together, divides the sum by the number of players multiplied by two, and then adds ten per cent. The total is then deducted from the gross score. Does it get any simpler?
Next month it will be Spring! The Earth will burst forth her fruitfulness, those annoying Morris Dancers will beat each other sticks and Wamboin GC will host its annual Spring Trophy. What about joining us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 September for the usual 12.30pm starting pistol? Meanwhile, if someone asks you what you think of the new sovereign, you can say “same as the old sovereign: one pound Sterling”.
Larry King, golfer
July Competition Results
Sunday, 2 July, a stunning Winter’s day: zephyrs and sunshine and a crispness in the air that kept you moving. Hmm, Crispness in July. The day was sponsored by those clever skilled tradesmen, Trent Abell, Col Prest (with help from son Ewan), and Don Evans (in absentia) who have no trouble with set squares, slide rules, compasses, GPS laser levelers, dynos, electronic log table calculators, complicators, rugalators and other esoteric thingummies. We thank them heartily for the prizes and refreshments. They thoughtfully declared that competition would be determined on the basis of net stroke play. And so, waving our Tay Tay tickets and making rude gestures at those Swifties who missed out, we dived into the welcoming mosh pit of the benign Wamboin countryside.
Back in the Green Room, as the acting captain studied the higher maths of our score cards, we giggled at the exploits of Bogan Risbey-Jones, that adventurous, fun-loving Aussie tourist just home from Aceh. Now that he’s gone, the poor chap he assaulted is probably jumping for joy, clapping his hands and singing like devout members of the Hillsong congregation used to. Your correspondent wonders what those bereft Pentecostals will do now. They could join the Wamboin Solsticians for some howling at the moon and jumping naked over fires. ScoMo can always sing at Sharks games – if they let him. Apparently his voice sounds like a blocked drain.
Talking about the Voice, it seems there is ambivalence within the community. I think it’s the word itself: it’s ambiguous. If you look it up in the dictionary you’ll find about 18 definitions as a noun alone. It comes out of the Uluru Statement from the Heart, which is a poetic, aspirational ‘Cri de Coeur’. In that context it probably means ‘the power or right to have an opinion heard and considered’. So why doesn’t the proposed amendment say that? What’s the mission: to right a wrong or write a poem?
Just when we thought Senator Lidia Thorpe was little more than a source of innocent merriment, as old mate Billy Gilbert would say, she turns out to have done women parliamentarians a service by initiating the outing of alleged serial groper, Senator V W Kombi (or Ford Transit). While we’re in the Senate, the federal Finance Minister’s recent memory lapse evoked dim recollections of those old books ‘What Katy Did’ and ‘What Katy Did Next’. Don’t bother reading them. Stick to Jack Reacher. And on the subject of crime fiction, we now know where Trump read all his briefs – in the bathroom! We can picture the old fraud, sitting there on the porcelain tuba, scanning all those secret files - skimming over the big words - looking for something to tell his golf buddies: “Hey guys, listen to what the CIA lets me see! Gee it’s good to be the Prez. Now don’t tell anybody. This is very, very classified stuff”. Sure, Donnie, says his conga line of sycophants.
We were excited by the news that Rick Remington and the Queens Park Rangers have increased our rates by six thousand per cent over the next 50 years. Understandably, Queanbeyanites are curly-lipped about it but here in Wamboin we can’t wait for the beautifully-sealed roads, curbing and guttering, street lighting, town water and sewerage, parks, schools and theatres, etc, etc.
Winners & Grinners
The a/g captain called for quiet and introduced our guests Zac Hawke (brother of Matt), Alan Key (Technical Manager at IKEA) and new residents all the way from Chile, Pat and Rosa Agonia. We welcomed back Pete Harrison following a failed experiment in manned flight. Ted’s joke involved a ball lost in a herd of cows. The googly ball went to Rob Gorham’s 5 iron. The dummy spit was claimed by Matt Hawke for various reasons. LD and MTV ball winners were Rob Gorham 4, Dave Hubbard 2, Paul Griffin, Neville Schroder, Col Urquhart and Matt Hawke.
Visiting burglar was Zac Hawke with a gross 38! (nine holes). Real winner of the nine hole comp was Katie Urquhart with a net 26 from Matt Hawke net 30 and Rob Gorham net 32. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Nev Schroder net 66 OCB from Dave Hubbard and Paul Griffin net 69. Well done, folks!
Next month (August, if you’ve been following) we play the delayed EOFY Memorial GST Cup, when abominable things are done to your handicap. Please join us at the hall on Sunday, 6 August at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, spare a thought for Yevgeny Precocious, conductor of Wagner’s Ring Cycle. He could be living on borrowed time if Vlad the Impaler gets his CPF in Belarus, ‘Big Al’ Lukashenko, to treat Yev with extreme prejudice. Comrade Precocious has moved to that free and delightful Russian protectorate after giving up his plan to invade Moscow (like Napoleon and Hitler). My bet is that Vlad paid him off. There are ten thousand armed Wagnerians who might take vengeance. It’s not like poisoning Mr Navalny’s lunch.
Larry King, golfer
June Competition Results
Sunday, 4 June. A brisk late Autumn/early Winter day, ideal for golf. The day was sponsored by Clan Urquhart from up the Glen, whom we thank for the bibulous prizes and the sustaining repast. After our sponsors wisely chose strokes adjusted by handicap as the determining score, we buttoned up and took to the course.
Back by the fire, as the captain fingered the electronic abacas, we ran a critical eye over recent events of note in this, the best of all possible worlds, as my old buddy, Candide, reckons. Such blessings include a benign and dependable climate, AI taking over the work (Old George thinks it’s artificial insemination), oceans of plastic, superpowers on friendly terms, the generous new capitalism (like the shadow cast by the invisible man), the decline of poverty, starvation and inequality, a more peaceful and well-irrigated Ukraine, and best of all, we now know what the WC in PwC stands for. The P also requires no further explanation. It will be interesting to see what the firm’s US parent does to limit the spread of the contagion. No doubt the partners of KPMG, Deloittes and Ernst & Young are doing a bit of navel gazing. This could be a good thing for an independent, revitalized public service—assuming we can get rid of all the snoozers, like generals in the army who keep sending the SAS back into harm’s way but don’t know what the grunts are doing in our name.
And while we’re at it, let’s get rid of the federal Departments of Health and Education. They don’t actually heal or educate anyone. Keep Finance: with the help of the ANAO it can tell us afterwards what each successive fustercluck has cost the poor old taxpayer struggling to make ends meet. While on finance, we congratulated the US on once again narrowly avoiding a default. Congress hasn’t managed to pass a budget on time in 27 years so the Administration has to run for a while each year on the bouquet given off by that good old oily rag.
If you’re asked to write a report accusing someone of something, what’s the first thing you do? Correct—gather the evidence (hint: assertion is not evidence). What’s the second? You got it—get the views of the accused (it’s called ‘natural justice’). But in the Hawthorn racism fiasco the punt kick authors (they don’t have drop kicks in the AFL, or do they?) appear not to have done either. The report was swallowed whole by the cognitively-challenged board of the Hawthorn club and, surprisingly, the AFL. It became a long-running soap opera until lawyers for the accused drew attention to its manifest failings. The AFL is going to miss Gillon McLachlan who had to come back from Tasmania to negotiate them out of the mess.
The nomenklatura are at it again. Apart from the new thing with pronouns—he/him, she/her, he/her etc—there’s now a change to the rainbow alphabet. Your correspondent could rattle off the LGBTIQ+ and knew what each letter meant until the A was introduced. At first I was thrilled to think my mob had been included. But it doesn’t stand for ageing (you may recall that I have previously mentioned that I am approaching early middle age). It’s there to acknowledge people who identify as asexual. So remember LGBTIQA+. The + is still there to recognize the manifold variations of the human unit in all its complicated glory.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests Karyn Thompson, Travis Makowiecki and Chris O’Loughlin. Ted’s jokes involved an elephant and a cure for worms. A googly ball was awarded to Deb Gordon for being able to hit through the branches of six trees to land near the green. You get canonized for miracles like that. Another googly was given to Glen Crafter for recovering from the dam the 4 iron he lost in May. The dummy spit went to Matt Hawke when he realised he had written his name on the wrong NTP markers. And on that subject, NTP and LD ball winners were Col Urquhart 3, Gerard Ryan 3, Matt Hawke, Ken Gordon, Dave Hubbard, Travis Wheelbarrow and Glen Crafter.
Winner of the junior comp was, of course, Robert Thompson with a score of 34 from 51 strokes after adjustment for handicap. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Matt Hawke 39/23 from Deb Gordon 51/31 and Gerard Ryan 41/32. ‘Ned’ coming Matt’s way soon! Victor in the 18 hole comp was Dave Hubbard 80/55 from Paul Griffin 88/74 and Nev Schroder 89/78. Well-played golfers, one and all!
Next month is July when we vie for the Tradies Black Thumbnail. Join us at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 July for the 12.30pm fall of the flag. Meanwhile, two Muscovites are having a quiet wodka in a little bar not far from the Lubyanka. Nikita says to Oleg “Oleg, tovarich, tell me truly, what do you really think of Putin.” Oleg looks furtively around and says “Nikita, tovarich, come with me”. They take the metro to the edge of the city then walk deep into the forest. Oleg says “Tovarich, you want to know what I really think of Putin? I think he’s a nice guy doing a good job”.
Larry King, golfer
May Competition Results
Sunday, 7 May. Not a particularly nice day for golf so your correspondent, labouring under a surfeit of Coronation Chicken, feigned illness and stayed dry by the fire. A wise decision as it turned out. It started to snow at 1.45pm and didn’t stop until after sunset. That didn’t discourage more intrepid souls but caution, being the better part of valour, convinced me to remain indoors until the 19th hole. The day was sponsored by Diana Griffin and Vicki Still with some trifling assistance from their partners. After the sponsors declared that play was to be determined by the Stableford system of scoring, the depleted cohort took to the field, blowing on their fingers through chattering teeth.
Back in the igloo, as the acting Chief Inuit dealt with the scorecards, we assessed the day’s play. As far as I can make out only two players completed 18 holes. There may be others lying out there in the snow, like Captain Oates and George Mallory, but we’ll never know. We turned our attention to the rest of the world around us. The much-anticipated RBA review has left your correspondent confused—admittedly, a state he falls into every seven minutes. They’re ‘protecting’ the Bank’s independence by diluting its power over interest rates. That goes to a new and separate board of ‘directors’ who, no doubt, will listen more closely to the government than to the governor of the bank. Think about that. In a shoot-out between inflation, which hurts everyone, and a vocal minority of squeaking wheels, guess where the oil will go. The pretext is that bifurcated boards are best practice in the UK, continental Europe and the US. Really? Have a look at the inflation rates in those countries. The RBA’s predictions, like anyone else’s, are never guarantees.
Many eyes misted up at the death of comic genius, Barry Humphries. Those jolly old japesters at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival thought it would be a good wheeze to advance their comparatively trivial agenda by removing his name from something no one’s ever heard of. Talking about stand-up comedy, we observed that ornament to the Senate, Lidia Thorpe, had been at it again. Tsk, tsk. Such language. It’s good to see that the AMC’s role of reducing recidivism via rehabilitation is working to plan. Pretty soon the first batch of top class hackers and scammers will be released into the workforce. Perhaps ASIO will pick up a few. An eyebrow or two went up at the news that Peter Hollingworth, the Anglican version of George Pell, avoided the ignominy of defrocking. They both flick-passed the problem of clergy molesting parishioners while, allegedly, protecting the malefactors. Being, at heart, a decent man he decided to pull the pin himself.
We all sat up to watch Chuck 3 and the lovely Camellia getting coronated. A paltry affair spoilt by cost-cutting. They should have lashed out and done the whole thing properly. No one would have complained. Nevertheless, I was keenly anticipating the great anointing. I had this image of Chuck sitting on the Stoon of Scoon in his underpants while the Archbishop of Canterbury smothered him in West Texas Crude. Instead it was a couple of drops of extra virgin olive oil behind a screen. That’s not going to bring the crowds back. We’re looking forward to greater pomp and pageantry when Pooty declares himself to be Czar of all the Russians. They’re having a lovely time in Paris, striking, burning and looting in protest to the miniscule increase to the retirement age. It’s just like 1789 without as much blood. I’m told it’ll settle down soon and they’ll all get back to work. Serieusement? I can already see a new musical: Les Cognards.
Winners & Grinners
The a/g captain, using her ‘teacher’s voice’, called for order and introduced our guests Virginia and Simon Creeper. Ted’s Joke revisited the time Chuck 3, then PoW, awarded the prizes at the 2000 Wamboin Open. Glen Crafter won the googly ball by a loose stroke that propelled his 4 iron into a dam. The dummy spit was shared by the following complainants: Vicki Still “my handicap dropped” (after a 45 Stableford point round the previous month); Paul Griffin ”I can’t see my ball in the snow”; Tim Barter ”we could go home and sit in front of the fire”. All players were deemed to be NTP and LD ball winners because Deb Gordon, the a/g captain, didn’t want to go out into the snow to get the markers (they’re still out there with Oates and Mallory).
Winner of the nine hole comp was Samuel Urquhart 6 points from Robert Gorham and Deb Gordon, both of whom played 4 holes only. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Glen Crafter 36 points from Col Urquhart 35 points followed by Keith France who played 4 holes only. Congratulations to all those brave enough to essay the course at all!
Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 June ready to contest the Moon in June Pennant which kicks off at 12.30pm. Meanwhile, please note that the undersigned wrote the bits you like and agree with. The rest was done by ChatGPT or QuillBOT. Same with the pix. The good ones were shot by Pete Harrison. The bad by some grubby paparazzo.
Larry King, golfer
April Competition Results
Sunday, 2 April. As the falling leaves drifted by his window, your correspondent checked the dictionary for the meaning of ’pulverise’ after seeing Senator Lidia Thorpe explaining, in her usual calm and thoughtful manner, what the police had done to her at the Parliament House trans rally. She certainly didn’t appear to have been dealt with prejudicially by the Mortar & Pestle Squad. Thankfully, she failed to steal the oxygen from important events such as the Xi/Putin love-in and the Voice referendum. Golf at Wamboin also remained unaffected. It was Mini Masters Day when those who make The Cut vie for the Greenish Jacket. The rest of us stumble in their wake in a handicap division.
The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association whom we thank for the sustenance and the spoils of war. It was another superb Autumn day in this bucolic idyll.
Back in the tent as the captain, aided by the IT wizardry of Nev Schroder, sorted out the leader board, we were able to marvel at the momentous events of our time. Unfortunately, SB-J refused to cough up to send me to Moscow so I had to bribe a member of the Azerbaijani embassy to slip a mic under the table at the great meeting of ’Dear Friends’. This is what I got:
Putin: ‘Welcome to Moscow dear friend. What do you think of the Kremlin?”
Xi: “Not bad dear friend, if you like onions, but not as good as the Forbidden City.”
Putin: “I’ve never seen the Forbidden City.”
Xi: “That’s because it’s forbidden.“
Putin: “Well, what about your 12 point peace plan?”
Xi: “Ah Yes. Point 1 offer a cease fire. Point 2 if they refuse, exterminate, Point 3 exterminate, Point 4 exterminate, etc, etc.”
Putin: “I see we both think along Dalek lines, dear friend. Now what about…”
and that’s when the sniffer dog picked up the mic.
While on the subject of good friends, we noted that nice Mr Minns won the face-off for NSW from his buddy, the pleasant Mr Perrotet. Dare we hope they are the harbingers of a more polite and balanced approach to politics? We wish Premier Minnns well as we farewell Ms Working Trousers who steps aside for a wan-looking chap parachuted in by the ALP.
Apparently some people are getting hot under the collar about the cost of our new nuclear subs. Relax, we aren’t actually going to buy any. We’re just going to say we are, to confuse the PRC. The Yanks will slip a few more of their own into the Pacific with kangaroo stencils on them. What we are going to buy are 200 Tomahawk Cruise missiles. Old George thinks they’re little hatchets given to passengers on the Ruby Princess to throw at those with COVID.
We observed gloomily that the dispute over the location of Bungendore High is bound for the High Court. It’ll take ten years, so parents seeking secondary education for their kids should look elsewhere. And floppers all over the world are mourning the death at 76 of Dick Fosbury.
Winners & Grinners
The captain grabbed our attention by introducing our guests, Val and Odin Haller. Vicki Still was formally presented with the Ned Kelly Trophy (to be displayed on the gatepost) for her larcenous performance in the March comp. Ted’s Joke involved two men dressed as a gorilla and a lion. The googly ball went to Scott Mason for a spectacularly off-course shot (sticking to fairways is so passé). The Spat Dummy was passed around the usual fractious suspects whom I shall identify only by name: Ken Gordon; Vicki Still and Tim Barter.
The Novelty NTP Pitching Comp winners were: ramp, Vicki Still 1.85m; tyre, Deb Gordon 2.95m; bunker, Col Urquhart 4m; best overall, Deb Gordon 25.95m. What happened to the glass ceiling? Seven of us scored the maximum of 45 metres from the pin!
Winner of the handicap comp was Matt Hawke with a score of 28 (how he sleeps at night I don’t know). Runner-up was Clint Pickin on 33. Junior master for 2023 was Robert Thompson 64 strokes from Emma Crafter 101. (Robbie recently met the Deputy PM and other dignitaries at the junior House of Golf Clinic.) Senior Master 2023 was Tim Barter 49. Runner-up was Clint Pickin on 50. Congratulations to all who played!
Next month is the Merrie Month of May when we all dress in our medieval gear and stroll the course like olde worlde troubadours, singing and playing our lutes, hautboys and sackbuts. Struggle into your tights and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 May, prepared to kick off at 12.30pm. Meanwhile, back in the USSR, Pooty is probably kicking the furniture, thinking of China’s Great Wall of Steel compared to his defunct Iron Curtain. Notice how all these top Russkis have funny titles: Vlad the Deluded, Peter the Great, Catherine the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Muriel the Terrible and so on.
Larry King, golfer
March Competition Results
Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 March. Unfortunately Alice Cooper was precluded by another engagement from officiating at the Wamboin Mad March Hare Scramble. We would have liked Alice B Toklas to fill in but obviously she was in no position to do so. Nor, for that matter, was Gertrude Stein. I’m sure they were attending, in spirit, WorldPride 2023 in Sydney. You probably didn’t see me in the Mardi Gras. Mercifully, the ABC camera missed the moment I bent to pick up Senator Lidia Thorpe who was impeding the parade. Just as well, I guess. I was wearing those leather chaps which show a bit more than prime time permits. The after party went on a bit so I was absent for the March comp. The rest of this report is written by ChatGPT, so don’t blame me. The day was sponsored by Dave and Anne Bailey and Ken and Deb Gordon, whom we thank for the refreshments and prizes. They declared the day’s play would be scored according to the system devised by Mr Stableford.
Back in the Hall, as the captain pushed on the pedals and pulled on the levers of his steam-driven calculator, the state of the planet was reviewed. Disappointingly, Rick Remington and the Hole in the Wall Gang showed all the courage and determination of a blancmange when it came to tackling the deficit. I would have preferred Option 1 but these Socialists just can’t help themselves when given the power to tax. Marx and Engels have a lot to answer for. We grimly marked the anniversary of the war in Ukraine. Once again President Putrid revealed his tin ear to irony by holding a Nuremburg-style rally, once much-favoured by old you-know-who, while traducing Ukrainians as Nazis. Spare me! These dictators have no sense of humour. Otherwise they’d laugh themselves sick at the stupid things they say. Let’s hope the true democracies of the world—and there aren’t many of us—hold firm. Appeasement never works: if only we’d hit Cpl Schikelgruber hard when he moved on Poland.
Had he been there, your correspondent would have tried to get in a word for Philip Lowe, boss of the Reserve Bank, currently under attack by the soft pink underbelly of politics and media. The 6.9 million mortgages extant are held by 35% of the population. The workforce, about 14 million workers, accounts for 54% of the population. If inflation can’t be controlled prices will rise, demand will fall, production will fall, investment will fall, and employment will fall. Imagine that you lose your job. Now imagine you are an unemployed mortgagor. What’s more important: your job or your mortgage? Like love and marriage, you can’t have one without the other. So ignore the dimwits. Dr Lowe has to keep his eye on the main game. And so does the Wamboin Golf Club.
We’ve discovered a spy cell within our ranks. Our suspicions were aroused a year ago when a group of furtive men called Pasternak, Solzhenitsyn, Chekhov, Nabokov and (alarmingly) Dusty Esky joined. They stuck to themselves and spent the 19th taking notes. We eventually reported them to ASIO who quickly expelled them. ASIO thinks they were after our precious bodily fluids.
We were excited by the rumour that we were soon to get two ORCAs, each from different parts of the world. We thought all ORCAs looked the same but these two seem quite different; must be down to origin of species and evolution and all that stuff.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests, Oleg and Svetlana Arky. Ted’s Joke involved the use of a seven iron, another club which Col Urquhart does not possess. Why he bothers carrying an empty bag is anyone’s guess. The googly ball went to Lofty Mason for losing his marbles, one of which was found on Firebreak Five. Amazingly, the dummy was not expectorated by anyone! LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter 3, David Bailey, Ken Gordon, Nev Schroder, Dave Hubbard, Col Urquhart, Pete Harrison and Vicki Still. No juniors his month, instead Col Urquhart gained the Bradman Award. (See, you don’t even have to have clubs.)
Winner of the nine hole comp was Dave Hubbard with 17 Stableford points, from Gerard Ryan 15 and Nev Schroder 13. Sadly, Deb Gordon got 19 but was disqualified as a sponsor. Yes, I know it’s unfair. Winner of the 18 hole comp—and the Ned Kelly Trophy—was Vicki Still 44, from David Searle 39 and Tim Barter 3rd 36 OCB from Paul Griffin 36. Well played, everyone!
Next month (April, for those with cognitive problems) will feature the Wamboin Mini Masters. Will you make the Cut? To find out, join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday 2 April in time for the 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, in the light of what Andrew Wilkie MP has revealed about the lifestyle of Hillsong’s leadership, I am pondering the formation of a new (tax free) orthodoxy of my own. I’m thinking of calling it The Deadly Serious Revival. Anyone could join provided they pay the not inconsiderable joining fee and annual tithes.
Larry King, golfer
February Competition Results
Sunday, 5 February. If you are still suffering the effects of the festive season you should have attended the Wamboin February Detox Pennant when our Applied Abstinence Program taught you how to say no to intoxicating liquors and to expel toxins. The day was sponsored by those golfing stalwarts, the Schroder and Whitney families (Temperance stalwarts), whom we thank for the prizes and the eats. Our kindly sponsors declared the day’s competition to be stroke adjusted for handicap. Consequently, chewing water, we straddled our bicycles (no batteries) and pedaled around the course, singing “We Shall Overcome”.
Back in the clinic, as the captain fought the score cards, we drank pure Wamboin water which, like the quality of mercy, is not strained, as my old buddy Will says. In fact it dropeth like the gentle rain from heaven which, come to think of it, is exactly what it is. Thus, with clear minds we discussed the events swelling the seas of our world.
Herr Parrot A, Gruppenfuhrer of NSW, came clean to frocking up as a Nazi for his 21st birthday party. As expected, the virtuous communists of the ABC climbed into him with cleated boots, forgetting about their own 21sts when they wore those bilious green Chairman Mao ‘workers caps’ and carried his Little Red Book of dreary platitudes. Meanwhile, in another totalitarian state, Commissar Vladimir Putrid made the brave and radical decision to replace the Demon of Damascus as head of his Ukraine mess with Russia’s first female general, Ms Valerie G Erasimov (her name is Russian for “rub ‘em out”) . Grudgingly, I’m with Vlad on this one: if you want the job done properly, give it to a busy woman.
We noted that Prince Harry, another erstwhile fan of Nazi kit, was ingratiating himself with his relatives by publishing a book about the joys of being a member of a loving and supportive monarchical family. It got your correspondent thinking about the purpose and value of a monarchy, even a constitutional one, in the 21st century. Firstly, it gives checkout magazines, the daily talkback and tabloid media, subscription TV and social media something to exercise their meagre talents on while pandering to public curiosity. Secondly, you don’t have to know how to spell or compose a grammatically correct sentence or even research the facts to write about it. Thirdly, it takes the pressure off the civil authorities and other public figures, by diverting and diffusing the microscope of scrutiny. Fourthly, it’s good for tourism, especially in the UK. Fifthly, it provides bulk filling for a regional golf report, and that can’t be bad, can it?
We expressed our horror and indignation at the wanton destruction of Dave Argaet’s Wamboin entrance sculpture on Sutton Road. We consoled each other with the certain knowledge that Council would quickly repair it whatever the cost, just as soon as they sell The Q.
It was observed that in the light of the crime spree in the NT, especially in Alice Springs, Elbow’s mob are back-pedalling furiously from their city wokeist decision to ignore the Aunties’ advice on the grog and related social issues bedevilling many indigenous communities. Closing down the Intervention without replacing it with something better was an option only for those who neither live with nor understand the problem. It’s like standing idly by while ‘Bibi’ Netanyahoo installs a theocratic, Far Right government that would make David Ben Gurion spin in his grave.
It was good to see a body shape consultant become 2023 Australian of the Year. Old George reckons she’s one of those ’influenzas’ that infect social media from time to time. I confess I’d never heard of her: my body’s pretty near perfect so I don’t come within her orbit. An interesting call by the Australia Day committee who’ve never been afraid of a silly decision.
The Scottish Parliament strikes again. While the UK Parliament struggles with the parlous state of the economy and the cost of living, the Caledonians have set their alleged minds to enabling confused children to determine their own sex or absence thereof. That’s what too much bagpipe music will do to you.
The Jockitch family never fail to entertain. Novax was back, playing like a champ while dear old dad was publicly mourning the good old days when Serbia was part of the Soviet Union.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests, Michael and Trish Ziebell. Ted’s Joke featured a husband and wife Ambrose. The googly ball was split between Col Urquhart whose ball struck a family member in the gallery, and Steve Lambert whose drive on Barrage de France landed on the dam wall but dribbled in, never to be seen again, as he bent to pick it up. The all-too-lavishly-awarded dummy spit went to Paul Griffin for merely drawing attention to the dragging of a buggy across a green.
Wee Emma Crafter got the encouragement and junior awards. LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 2, John Whitney 2, Matt Hawke, Trish Ziebell, David Bailey and Larry King. Winner of the nine hole comp was Ruth Lambert 59/26 (say goodbye to that Handicap, Ruth!) from Ken Gordon 34/30 and Matt Hawke 53/31. Winner of the 18 hole comp was David Bailey 88/61 from Paul Griffin 71/61 with Tim Barter 73/64 in 3rd place. Well played, everybody!
Next month we play the Mad March Hare Scramble. Anyone called Alice gets to play for Free. Alice Cooper will be invited to play (for free) and present prizes. So bring your looking glass and join us at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 March for the 12.30 pm starting pistol. Meanwhile, will the QPRC have the courage to vote for Option 1- massive reduction of services – to reduce the equally massive deficit? Or will they tax us up to our eyes? I wonder.
Larry King, golfer
January Competition Results
Sunday, 1 January. New year’s Day, the day of the famous Wamboin New Year’s Resolutions Medal. A day of variable weather: overcast, warmish with a breeze and a drop of rain. Did it dampen spirits? Of course not, but I’m bound to say that the mob that gathered was a wee bit fuzzy-headed for one reason or another. The competition was a nine hole, three club day scored by stroke play adjusted for handicap and sponsored by L & L King (marvellous people, you really should met them) whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. So with pounding heads, bleary eyes and scoffing Berocca, we gingerly mounted our iron steeds and, in four-wheel drive, crawled around the course.
Back at the hall, feeling better for the exercise and a few FLAs, we shared Christmas stories, put 2022 aside with relief and looked to the future with hope as the captain hit the run button on IBM’s Deep Thought. Some of us complained about being ‘doxxed’. Your correspondent, in particular, was disheartened by the miserly sum being sought for his personal details on the Dark Web (I was there buying ammunition for Ukraine’s defenders). We speculated at the possibility of a new War of the Roses or 100 years War if C 3, head of the House of Windsor, can’t rein in Harry, head of the House of Sussex. I must say, it would be rather jolly to see the Poms fighting amongst each other again. We were not surprised by the revelations in Mr T Rump’s tax returns. It confirmed what we already knew: T Rump is an empty vessel in all meanings of that phrase; Mar-a-Largo rightly belongs to US tax payers.
Discussion turned to our resolutions for the New Year. Here are mine: 1. I will not purchase Russian oil or gas (easy peasy); 2. I will not join the Wagner Group; I don’t like the way they operate and they want to pay me in roubles which exchange for less than the Matabele Gumbo Nut. 3. I will not secretly try to occupy more ministries than I do now. 4. I will endeavour not to offend the Woke, the Green and other snoozers; they are, after all, God’s creatures and she must have a use for them. 5. I will refrain from giving political speeches at folk festivals. 6. I will apply to join the baritone section of the Voice to Parliament; my voice has been compared to Teddy Tahu Rhodes’ if you ignore such irrelevancies as range, tone, pitch, sustain and vibrato.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for attention and welcomed first time players Rona and Bill Gillespie and Matt Hawke. He introduced our guests, Des Moines, Nan Tuckett, Clare de Loon and Dan de Nong. Ted’s Joke had a Christmas theme. The googly ball went to Col Urquhart and his adjustable club. The dummy spit was awarded to Rob Gorham (who else?) for complaining about the ‘clerical error’ in his handicap – it was, of course, too low. Encouragement awards were given to Rona and Bill in the hope that we will be seeing them more regularly and to Matt Hawke for maintaining an even temperament while playing his first Wamboin game under expert tutelage. LD and NTP ball winners were Col Urquhart 4 (!), Glen Crafter 2, Gerard Ryan, Rob Gorham and Ken Gordon. Robert Thompson reigned supreme in the junior nine hole comp 42/59. In the senior nine hole comp the winner was Paul Griffin 33/41 from Glen Crafter 34/40 and Gerard Ryan 36/44. Well done, all golfers!
Next month is February. It’s a short month so keep your eyes peeled. You wouldn’t want to miss the Wamboin Detox Pennant when we celebrate moderation in all its forms. So join us at the hall on Sunday, 5 February at 12.15pm for the always reliable 12.30 pm kick off. Meanwhile, watch out for XBB I.5. No, it’s not one of our new, razzle dazzle nuclear submarines. It’s the latest variant of COVID-19 which, just like a submarine, stealthily seeks out and torpedoes those of us who haven’t yet come down with the plague.
Larry King, golfer
2022
December Competition Results
Sunday, 4 December. The day of the Wamboin Christmas Cup, the event that ushers in the Yuletide as it farewells the year. And what a year it’s been! We’ve struggled valiantly against the plague and now have it in our gun sights. At the same time, that great character actor, Vladimir Putin, fresh from his starring role in “The Mamushkas and Me”, continues his war of attrition. Is there yet faint hope that the spirit of Christmas will override vaunting ambition? You never hear of Russian golfers, do you? Maybe that’s the problem. Meanwhile back in Paradise, the weather, which has been more benign of late, turned on a pearl of a day for the Cup, sponsored by the Harrisons (Pete and Barb) and the Thompsons (Karyn, David and Robert) whom we thank for the refreshments and rewards. The comp was stroke, so we hitched Putin, Stalin and Lenin up to the troika and with sleigh bells jingling flew around the course.
Back at the North Pole, as Santa continued his despicable treatment of the elves, who don’t have their own enterprise agreement, the captain struggled with the higher mathematics of our scores while we stood around in small groups talking in desultory fashion about the weather. Global warming/climate change has induced interminable conversations about what causes our weather, so let me just sum up. Out of the distant East comes a Mexican woman called La Nina (with a squiggle on the little n). This Latin American fire cracker is hot stuff. She heats up the Pacific Ocean which releases hot, moist air into the upper atmosphere. Meanwhile, out of the West comes a super hot, negative IUD which does the same thing to the Indian Ocean. (I can’t tell you how it got there and I don’t want to know.) As the rising air cools, all that moisture falls on Lismore, Forbes and Condobolin. I know it’s not fair but that’s how it is. Next year, Nina will lose the squiggle and become El Nino, the IUD will turn positive and dry heat will bring drought and fires. That’s about it.
We sneered at the reprimanding of ScoMo by the House of Reps despite his genuine remorse: anything to avoid doing some real work. We ruefully considered the nature and effectiveness of the Second Peoples Voice to parliament and wished First Peoples the best of luck. What we all really need is a treaty and a bit of truth-telling. Tragically, the conversation turned to soccer. Your correspondent always thought Qatar was an upper respiratory tract infection or musical instrument. I now know it’s a place to stay away from at the moment, unless you’re a rusted-on fan of the round ball game. I’d never really understood it until a friend explained that you have to sit patiently through the nil-all draw to appreciate the riot at the end. It began to make sense, so I tuned into the second half of Australia’s first pool game, eagerly anticipating the burning down of the stadium. One of the commentators said we were playing France and it was raining champignons. Alas, not a mushroom to be seen. Nor was there a donnybrook at the end. All in all, a great disappointment. Hopes rose when we beat Tunisia (why do I think of tinned fish?) and the Vikings but, as expected, the Argies held us off. Anyway, the real World Cup will be held next year and, by coincidence, in France which insists on being at or near the top of just about every world sport. And they are too. Take my advice and put the rent on France for the Rugby World Cup in 2023.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called us to order and handed out the presents. He welcomed our guests Ruth Lambert, Jack Whitney, Peter Baxter, Skye Rogers, David Searle and Kath and Rishi Mandu. Ted’s joke involved loss of memory in later years. The googly ball went first to Steve Lambert for providing his dextrous wife with a sinister club. It was then passed to Steve Miners for a shot which achieved progress of minus 30 metres courtesy of an unyielding tree. The dummy spit was claimed by Keith France for accusing a player of using a caddy (shame!). LD and NTP ball winners were Jack Whitney 2, Pete Harrison, Colin Urquhart, Keith France, David Searle and Tim Barter. Junior winner was Robert Thompson 47/27. Robert, aged 8, finished 2nd overall in the US Children’s qualifying tour in Melbourne, and is in line for the finals in the US next year. Winner of the senor nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 52/30 from Ken Gordon 36/32 and Steve Lambert 47/34 in 3rd place. Winner of the Senior 18 hole comp was David Bailey 95/68 OCB from Taylor Miners 89/68 with Keith France 83/69 3rd. Well played all!
Join us in the New Year for the Resolutions Medal, a nine hole/three club event. Be at the Hall on Sunday, 1 January at 2.15pm for the 2.30 start. Meanwhile, I hope you took time out on 18 November to remember W S Gilbert’s birthday. Although long dead (he was born in 1836) he remains one of the greatest political satirists in the English language. Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!
Larry King, golfer