Wamboin Community Association


Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.

On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.

Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.


Peter Greenwood  6238 3358

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup

Pine Slice

Sunday, 1 December. And did the wind blow! Some of our smaller golfers were carried away like Dorothy and Toto and we haven’t found them yet. The hurricane thinned the field for the Christmas Cup, some scuttling for home, others never having left it. Pikers, I say! Pikers! Wait ‘til Santa hears. Your correspondent, temporarily disabled by a slightly chipped finger nail, was forced to sit the gale out in front of the 2nd test v Pakistan but struggled gamely to make the 19th hole—hence this deadly accurate account of the day’s play which was sponsored by a brace of Peter: Peter Greenwood and Pete Harrison. We thank them cordially for the prizes and refreshments. Competition was decided by stroke play adjusted for handicap.

Timber Trap

Back in the bunker as the captain toted the scores and the players rubbed feeling back into their pinched little wind-blown faces, sympathy was expressed for the late Cecil Rhodes, no doubt rotating in his mausoleum at the dumbing down of recipients of his famous scholarship to Oxford University. Think of the following Rhodes Scholars who come across as at least lacking judgement if not precisely dim witted: Tony Rabbit, Malcontent Turnbull and, lately, Anguish Tailor, minister for land clearing and sworn enemy of Crab Grass Moore, Lord Mayor of the Big Smoke. [Note to self: don’t forget to ring old mate NSW police commissioner to get the goss on what ScoGo Sharks wanted.] We then re-ran the Melbourne Cup. Your correspondent had engaged ALP luminaries, Craig Emerson and Jay Wetherill, to find out why he did his dough. Their report revealed (a) an uninspiring leader (the jockey); (b) bad policies (the horse); (c) inept campaign (horse ran the wrong way round the course). We then discussed what Chinese President-for-life, She Gin Sling, would do about Hong Kong. Answer: nothing. Shanghai can replace it as an entrepot port any day. And then we mourned the death of the remarkable Clive James.

Winners & Grinners
Pete & Vicki

The captain noted that Ted Evans was recovering in one of the ACTs many superb hospitals. We wish him well. The googly ball went to Col and Samuel Urquhart who played the wrong nine hole course despite the email advice to all golfers. The dummy spit was awarded to Pete Harrison for complaining about the lack of an Esky to greet players on the Wirreanda holes (I’d hate to be that desperate). Encouragement awards went to Makayla Millia, Phoebe Beckett, Robert Thompson and Tim Nelson. LD and NTP ball winners were the Urquhart boys as consolation for playing the wrong nine holes. The Urquhart family also retained the Ned Kelly Trophy, a masterpiece of the concreter’s art. Winner of the junior comp was Alex Gordon 53/34. Winner of the senior nine hole event was Ken Gordon 37/33 from David Thompson 53/36. First place getter in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 74/66 from Vicki Still 96/76. Apparently they “battled” their way around the course in every sense of that word. Well played all, you’re a credit to clean living!

Next month it will be 2020, the UN International Year of Excellent Vision and Extraordinary Hindsight. If you can see your way clear, why not join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 January for the usual 12.30pm blast off. Meanwhile spare a thought (and more) for former Wamboinians, Jake Annetts and Angela Hunter, who lost their house in the North Black Range fire. And remember that we, too, live in a fire prone area so make your plans and stay safe over the Summer.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The Wamboin Open

Sunday, 3 November. The day of the preeminent Wamboin Open, celebrated in ancient ballads and epic poetry. The assembled teeming masses were hushed by the news that competition would take place on a brand new course including four new holes—courtesy of the Lamberts—replacing those lost or reconfigured. As usual there would be two comps: the Open itself determined on gross strokes (that’s total, not nasty); and a handicap division. The day is sponsored by the R&A Wamboin GC which we thank for the prizes and provender—the latter arranged by Joan Mason and Libby King. The BOM promised rain but we ignored that (foolishly, as it transpired) and set forth in Summer raiment with a Spring still in our steps and Winter and Autumn nought but distant memories.

Wet Weepers

At the 19th we wrung ourselves out after the cloudburst while the captain did his slow and patient best to make sense of our sodden score cards. There was much to wonder at: the return of Sky Whale, a mobile work of art representing the fusion of the welfare state and the cargo cult; the violent death of the notorious Iraqi rapper, Bag Daddy; the defeat of the Angles, led by their King, Edward the Obsessive, at the Battle of Yokohama; the democracy consultations in Hong Kong which appear to be going awfully well; and the impeachment of that master of the art of the deal from the bottom of the pack, Donald Strumpet. This caused some confusion. Some thought that impeachment was a ritual observed each year at the Araluen Spring Festival when hippies are tossed into vats of fermenting stoned fruit. Their frame of mind on emerging depends on how stoned they were when they went in.

Winners & Grinners


The captain called for order and half an hour later introduced our guests, Len Ivey, Tony “Echo” Dowdell, Ben Lomond, Ben Nevis and the hyper-active Ben Zadrine. The googly ball went to Mr Dowdell for hitting the only tree on the 8th fairway three times with three balls and three trees on the 9th with one ball. The dummy spit didn’t go to Vicki Still on this occasion but was perpetrated by Alex Gordon for complaining about the quality of the plastic tees provided gratis by the Club to all players. Ingrate! LD and NTP ball winners were Echo, Lofty Mason, Col Urquhart, Vicki Still (did I mention she didn’t spit the dummy?), Steve Lambert, Len Ivey and Ken Gordon. The junior champion was Robert Thompson. The encouragement award went to Lisa Whitney. Based on the careful calculations by Nev Schroder the 2019 Eclectic winners were Ken Gordon (9 holes) and Paul Griffin OCB (18 holes).

John & Deb

We now reveal the names of our club champions for 2019. The 9 hole handicap champion was Deb Gordon 52/34 from Lofty Mason 49/35 with Ken Gordon 40/36 in 3rd place. The 18 hole handicap champion was Vicki Still 87/67, demonstrating what is possible when the dummy remains unspat. Runner-up was Len Ivey 88/69 with Tim Barter 81/73 3rd. And now, quiet please as we announce the names of the 2019 club champions gross scores: Ladies champion (9 holes) Joan Mason 50 and club champion (18 holes) John Whitney 81. All who took part are to be congratulated for providing stiff competition. Well done!

Next month marks the end of the golfing year and features our Christmas Competition when we all sing carols and jingle our bells. Why not join us at 12.15pm at the community hall on Sunday, 1 December for the traditional 12.30pm start. Meanwhile I hope your choice of pet food did well in the Melbourne Steaks, the race that feeds a nation.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

The Oktoberfest Medal

Sunday, 6 October. By now even the sceptics reckon there’s something in the IPCC’s call on climate change. (Cynics think it’s a scam to sell more windmills and photo voltaic cells at the expense of our peerless fossil fuels.) The kids are convinced. Under the leadership of Ms Greta Thunberg they’re all giving up school, concerned that their childhood’s been stolen and they have no future. Your correspondent predicts a glittering future for Ms Thunberg in public life. Probably not in the performing arts—she appears to be a chronic over-actor and clearly unsuitable for those Scandi Noir movies pioneered by another famous Swede, Ingmar Bergman, where the cast stands around for 120 minutes gazing soulfully over windswept fjords and not saying much.

Hall NTP

Anyway, climate was very much on the minds of the region’s golfers as they saddled up on a hot—one might say unseasonably hot—day to contest the Oktoberfest Medal sponsored by Sir Kenneth and Lady Deborah Gordon to whom we direct prodigious thanks for the prizes and the eats (all cooked by Madz). The sponsors having declared the comp would be determined on stroke play, we loaded extra water and rations in the Bushmasters, ASLAVs and half-tracks and set off across the burning sands into the blue, thinking of T E Lawrence and his seven pillars of wisdom.

Chook Pen Drive

Back at Wadi 19 as the captain checked the cards, we asked ourselves whether scientists, in alerting us to the climate problem, had done only half the job. What about giving us the solution? And don’t just say “reduce greenhouse gas”. Tell us how to do it. Surely the people who gave us penicillin, the atom bomb, WD 40 and Post-it notes can find the answer? Here’s a few suggestions from the 19th hole: 1. an aerosol spray that returns carbon dioxide to its constituent parts. We breathe the oxygen and the carbon precipitates out as toasted marshmallows, rocky road and chocolate-coated peanuts. Note: avoid the use of CFCs as propellant; 2. All ocean-going vessels to drag sacrificial anodes which attract and eat plastics and burp oxygen; 3. Special Water Pills which produce H2O molecules in inverse proportion to their mass (just add water). Simples! It’s a wonder the pointy heads haven’t sorted this out. What’s the CSIRO for?

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Madz

The captain introduced our guest, local pyro technician, Stan Wellback. Ted Evans sent his best wishes from Queanbeyan. The googly ball was awarded to Joan Mason for providing the protective milk crates on the six tees at the Masonic Lodge. The dummy spit went to serial complainant, Vicki Still. The encouragement award was claimed by Karen Thompson – to encourage her to learn to score properly. The junior nine hole comp winner was Robert Thompson with 47 strokes off the stick for a net 32. LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter x 3, Vicki Still x 3, Joan Mason, Paul Griffin and Pete Harrison. The senior nine hole comp winner was Joan Mason 41/29 from David Thompson 63/31 and Larry King 3rd OCB 47/35. The senior 18 hole comp winner was Pete Harrison 87/60 from Vicki Still 83/61 and Tim Barter 3rd 71/63. Well done all players!

Next month is November, but those who went to school know that. The November comp is a special day in the Wamboin golfing calendar – it’s the Wamboin Open. Join us at the community hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 November to see if you can get your name on the honour board. Play will start at 12.30pm sharp.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

The Mason Spring Trophy

Sunday 1 September. First the Great Wamboin Curry Night, the Wamboin Fireworks then the Wamboin Spring Trophy. “Could it get better?” I hear you cry. Well, yes it could. But it didn’t.

Saddle Up

The region suffered the towering disappointment of a lost opportunity but your correspondent will get to that in due course. As in all things, golf takes precedence particularly in Spring when surly Winter’s bitterness is soothed as if by a lover’s breath. The birds of the air and the beasts of the field whirl and prance with joyous energy and Nature dons her multi-coloured raiment to trip the light fantastic up the lanes, through the hedges and down the dells. And each golfer of the region emerges from their chrysalis to contest the ancient trophy which features two genuine bed springs.

Wattle Grove

The occasion was sponsored as usual by Joan and Lofty Mason whom we thank for the prizes and the repast, especially Joan’s celebrated spring rolls. The sponsors declared a three-club day determined by stroke play. And thus, the nymphs and shepherds of the area darted off into the woods with a hey nonny nonny and other bucolic Spring-type sayings.

Back at Titania’s leafy bower, as Captain Oberon checked our cards, we gasped in awe at the thrilling news that POTUS Donald “Blow-Your-Own” Trumpet had made a bid for the Palerang part of the QPRC. I’ll give you some background. When Donnie was just an up-and-coming real estate agent he visited Wamboin where he formed a close attachment to a brushtail possum (trichosurus vulpecula). It now sits on his head everywhere he goes. He refers to it as the GOP (Grand Old Possum). It engendered an affection for the area and its prescient residents who saw in him a latent political genius of Lincolnesque proportions. Now he bestrides the world like a Colossus—as my old mate Bill Shakers puts it—building golf course resorts here and there. Imagine his delight when he remembered that Wamboin already has its very own PGA-rated 18 hole course! But our risk-averse council knocked it back. Did they learn nothing from the Greenland debacle?

Wiping tears of disappointment from his eyes the captain introduced our guests Lisa Whitney, Karen Thompson, Katie Urquhart, Nick Hewitt and Brigit McCloud. Apologies were accepted from Sue Narmee and Anne Droyd. Ted Evans lectured us on GP waiting room etiquette. Googly balls were awarded to your correspondent for losing more than two balls in the same dam and Nick Hewitt for losing his ball in the embers of the previous night’s bonfire.

Winners & Grinners

The encouragement award again went to Robert Thompson (the lad’s a prodigy). LD and NTP ball winners were Pete Harrison x 2, Ken Gordon x 2, John Whitney x 2, David Thompson, Paul Griffin, Lisa Whitney and Samuel Urquhart.


Junior comp winner was Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was John Whitney on 36 strokes reduced to 28 by handicap. Runner-up was Colin Urquhart 41/29. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 91/63 from Paul Griffin 81/67. A blessing on all who took part!

Next month’s comp will be for the Oktoberfest Medal. Pull out the old beer stein and lederhosen and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the accustomed and prompt 12.30pm start.

Please note, for your added security we are installing milk crates on every tee and green.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Tradies' Day

Sunday, 4 August. “One small step etc, etc…” But was that all Mr Armstrong said before stepping out onto the Moon’s surface? By no means! The Whisper has the full story courtesy of a NASA mole. But first the golf. It was a halcyon sort of day as the crowd mustered for the August Skilled Trades Spectacular sponsored by those dextrous people who solve technical problems, Trent Able (electrical) Don Evans (plumbing/gas fitting), Col Prest (automotive) and Henk Berlee (mechanical) whom we thank profusely for the rewards for effort and the bodily sustenance. Competition was to be settled by stroke play.


Singing Moon River and Blue Moon and so on, we climbed into our command modules and blasted off for the great unknown. Back at Mission Control, as the captain did the sums, your correspondent revealed to the astounded gathering, mouths agape, the scoop of the century i.e., what Neil really said. And here it is:

“Buzz, kill all external comms while I struggle into the damn back pack. It takes an age to get it over the space suit. Haven’t JPL heard of Velcro? OK here we go. Dammit! I can’t open the bloody door. Just wait until I see those idiots back at the Skunkworks. OK, got it. All it needed was a good kick. This ladder is a real bastard – 500 billion pictures of George Washington and they give us something you could buy at Walmart. Right, nearly there. What a dump! Looks like the bottom of a cement mixer. I hope we’ve got enough fuel left to get out of here. Let’s just take the pictures, grab the rocks and go. OK, Buzz, external comms back on for the deathless statement”. PAUSE. “One small step…..” And there you have it. You read it here first.

Short 'n' Sweet

The captain welcomed or guests the Thompson family, Robert, David and mum; Chris Hansen, Mrs Hansen and Emma Crafter. Also present were members of the Palerang Girls’ Marching Team – Katherine Gorge, Alice Springs, Rose Bay, Margaret River, Adelaide Hills and Marie Bain. Ted Evans told us how to insure a wooden leg.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Emma Crafter for advancing her ball by use of the foot (just like her dad). The dummy spit went to Samantha Urquhart for dobbing in Emma’s dad. Encouragement awards were bestowed on Robert Thompson and Emma Crafter.

18 Hole Winner

LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 3, Ken Gordon x 3, Tim Barter x 2, Vicki Sill and Pete Harrison. The juniors comp was won by Phoebe Beckett with 28 after handicap off 66 strokes. The nine hole comp was taken out by Samantha Urquhart 58/30 from runner-up Ken Gordon 36/32. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 75/58; 2nd Glen Crafter 75/61 OCB from Vicki Still. Well done, everyone!

Next month is glorious Spring. Time to emerge from the diapause of Winter and gambol about the Elysian Fields of Wamboin like woolly lambkins. And compete for the Spring Trophy. And scoff a few of Joan’s famous spring rolls. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 September for the ever-dependable 12.30pm shotgun start. We are hoping that our mayor, Mr Working Trousers, will kindly donate to the winner of the Spring Trophy a weekend stay in Sydney at the QPRC’s luxury penthouse in Macquarie Street. Meanwhile please note that King Street, Bungendore, is not named after any member of my family, none of whom can drive an excavator.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The L & L King Affair

Sunday, 7 July. You may be able to help me. Your correspondent was updating his blog, AlmostTheTruth, to provide an alternative perspective in the form of a peer review to the thesis proposed by celebrated theologian, Dr Palestine Folou. My antithesis, using the Hegelian Dialectic, has it that the putative Hell-bound would not reach their destination, or if they did, they would find themselves in a rather jolly, welcoming place – including, as it necessarily would, all the people I know and love. And the fire? Worry not. You wouldn’t be able to get near it for the members of the International Rugby Board and their many hangers-on who have made it impossible to understand what is going on in the scrum and take all the good seats at the World Cup.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, my ISP threatens to shut down my blogsite for expressing views contrary to its social policy. It’s my intention to sue the pants off them for denying me freedom of expression, but I just haven’t got the cash to fund an action which will surely go all the way to the High Court. GoFundMe says the subject matter doesn’t qualify for crowd-funding so I’m making a direct appeal to the public. Readers who wish to support the freedom of the press may send their donations to A/c No. LK47, Gnomes of Zurich Bank, Jarlsberg M16, Switzerland. Please note that funds will be used at my total discretion. If dissatisfied please contact #GoFindMe.


Ah, yes. Golf. Well, it was the NotSoDryJuly Stableford comp sponsored by L&L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats. The day was typical for the end of the beginning of the middle of Winter: middling cold. Singing “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas in July” we rugged up, donned our snowshoes, straddled our Ski-Doos and, like Scott of the Antarctic, set off with gritted teeth into the blizzard.

Back in the tent with the wind beating a staccato tattoo as it sprinted across the roof’s corrugations, acting captain Mr L Mason did the tally while the vast crowd amused itself by reviewing SnoMo’s efforts to broker a truce in the trade war at the G20 meeting in Japan (where he’s known as SuMo or SudoKo). We gave him a tick for having a go. Which is more than you could give the Brumbies who didn’t even turn up. Apparently the bus driver got lost. The captain introduced our guests, Ash Wednesday and Wensley Dale. Ted Evans told us how they’d exhumed that dead barista: he was decoffinated.

Winners & Grinners
Sam & Larry

The googly ball was awarded to the thirsty golfer (name withheld) who sliced his tee shot from Memorial Drive into the Hall in search of bottled goods. The dummy spit went to Tim Barter for whinging about a par 3 that should have been a birdie. Some people!

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 4, Vicki Still 3 (hmmm), Pete Harrison and Samuel Urquhart.

The junior comp was won by Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was Samantha Urquhart on 35 Stableford points (call the police!) from Samuel Urquhart 22 points. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Vicki Still 36 points from David Bailey 34. Well played all.

Larry & Vicki

Next month, August by name, will feature the eminent or venerable competition synonymic of the month. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 August for the customary 12.30pm charge for the line.

Meanwhile think about this: what does the new leader of the federal opposition and the lateral epicondyle of the humerus have in common? First neatest correct entry wins a box of recycled golf balls. And thanks, Jean-Pierre Favre, for the kind words. They were balm to this poor scribbler’s soul.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 2 June. I’m writing this in a tearing hurry because at any second the AFP will be busting through my door. (Thank God my underwear are all clean and tidy.) They’re after me for revealing certain state secrets. More of that in a minute.


Meanwhile let me apologise for the tardiness of this epistle. Two reasons: firstly, your correspondent did not actually play and had to closely interrogate those who did as to what happened; secondly the cause of his absence was the fact that, as a member of the Bungendore Community Choir, he was engaged in a concert at the Memorial Hall—along with the absolutely marvellous Bungendore Youth Orchestra—in aid of the Abbeyfield project. Yes, not only a golfer but also a chorister. My voice has been compared, flatteringly I believe, to a Sulphur-crested Cockatoo. I almost missed the 19th because of the persistence of the autograph hunters. No, no. Not for me. For our choir master and musical director, Dr Tracy Bourne. (I was merely holding her baton).

But back to the reason for my haste: in this column some years ago I wrote that a friend had told me that his son was off to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban. Apparently he should have said that he was off to “drive a caravan”. It seems I had inadvertently let it slip that our continuing military presence in the sand pit was bellicose rather than benign. Whereas the government line was that they were going there for R&R after Iraq (where, it turned out, there weren’t any WMDs after all).

Ted Talk

I’m informed it was a terrific day for golf. The sky was blue (just like the ceiling of the Memorial Hall) with the mercury in the temperate teens and a gentle breeze. The day was sponsored by the Urquhart family whom we thank for the prizes and edible refreshments. Competition was decided by stroke play adjusted for handicap. Afterwards, back at the Hall, acting captain, Tim Barter, called for order and introduced our guests Tess and Aldo Tosstirone, Don Giovanni, Mary Jeffigero and Barbara Seville. Ted Evans assured us that the search for a new leader of the parliamentary Labor Party had “all been easy”.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Keith France for a long and rambling story. Bill Shorten claimed the dummy spit for attributing the ALP’s surprise loss in the federal election to “corporate leviaffons” and “media behemoffs”. The encouragement award went to Don Evans and Lee Beamont.

LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 2, Pete Harrison 2, Keith France, Deb Gordon, Col Urquhart and Tim Barter.


Placegetters in the juniors comp were 1st Madz Gordon, 2nd Alex Gordon, 3rd Phoebe Beckett, and 4th Timothy Nelson. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 47/28 from Ian Picker 48/33. 18 hole victor was Tim Barter 72/63 from David Bailey 90/65 OCB. Well done all and sundry!

Next month the club will host the Non Dry July comp. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 7 July at 12.15pm for the traditional 12.30pm shotgun start.

Sorry, I have to go. I can hear 27 hob-nailed boots coming up the drive (must be a unidexter in the group). “I hope you’re going to pay for that door! Hey, watch the Ming vase…!”

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

The Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

Part 1

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 May. Wasn’t the federal election campaign absolutely thrilling? Your correspondent has never been so engaged in the political process. Well, not since he stood unsuccessfully for room at the trough in the last local government elections. (And no, I haven’t forgotten how I was comprehensively rejected by an ungrateful electorate. The blisters on my soul are yet to heal.) But putting that aside, I didn’t realise there was so much more to exercising the franchise than simply walking into the polling booth and donkey voting above the line.

First, there’s the comprehensive and fascinating statistics. One mob promised—on a stack of bibles—to cut personal and company taxes by…um…er…let me see….oh, at least two million dollars. Or was it ten. Maybe it was 10 billion. But, anyway it was an impressive amount. Not to be outdone the other crowd swore on Karl Marx’s grave to do the same but make sure “the big end of town” (probably the top end of Gibraltar Street to the railway station) didn’t get any of it. Gob-smacking stuff! And, to top it off, both outfits are going to put us back into a surplice in a year or two. Why we’re all going to have to wear loose-fitting ecclesiastical garments is beyond me, but if it’s good for the economy I’m all for it.

But, hold on, it gets more interesting. There’s a feisty little outfit that identifies itself by a colour I tend to associate with hospital corridors and pea soup. Apparently a principal aim of their campaign is to stop the construction of a public toilet somewhere in Queensland. You know what I’m talking about - you’ve seen them on the news shouting “Stop a dunny! Stop a dunny!”

Now at this point you’re wondering at the relevance of all this to the sacred game of golf at Wamboin. Well, brace yourselves for a shock. For the first time in over 30 years the game was postponed until Sunday, 19 May. The reason? A clearing sale on a property which hosts two of the holes of the Wamboin golf course. But wait, there’s more: we may even lose those holes if the new owners, unlikely as this sounds, are not golfers. Teeth are being gnashed as we go to press. However, all is not lost. The ingenious residents of this nuclear-and-drone-free parish are even now working on a solution. Watch this space.

Meanwhile, if this epistle reaches you in time please feel free to join us at the hall on Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 19 May for the customary 12.30pm kick off for the delayed Merrie Month of May golf day. And remember, the Deadly Serious Party needs your vote. They are the only ones who will tell you the whole and unadorned truth: they have no better idea how to run this country than anyone else, but one thing is for sure. We’re better off than some parliamentary democracies you could name and way ahead of the dictatorships and totalitarian states.

Part 2

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 19 May. Your correspondent is writing this still bleary-eyed from watching 10 solid hours of election coverage the night before. So I might get a few things wrong. But first the golf.


Regular readers will recall that the May comp had to be postponed. However, what a beautiful day it was! The day was sponsored by the Lords of Air and Water – Paul Griffin and Tim Barter, whom we thank for the prizes and Diana for the eats. Play was scored on the Stableford system which is a bit like preferential voting – you go for the swan but get the turkey. And so it came to pass that, fresh from donkeying the little green slip and buggering up the big white one, we finally dragged ourselves away from the Wheels of Wamboin and took to the course.


Back at the tally room, as the captain discarded all the informal votes, we took stock of the three-ring circus of the night before. Unless my memory deceives me it went like this: at about 7pm, Bill Abbreviate, sucked in by the exit polls, enters a luxury hotel in the big end of Melbourne town to claim victory. He thanks the lovely Zoe, Bob Hawke, GetUp and the CMMFEU and promises to govern for all Australians except those who didn’t vote for him. At approx. 7.15pm SloMo, alerted by his minders, stumbles out of the Cronulla Leagues Club to concede. He congratulates the abbreviated one and says he fought the good fight but came up short. The Good Lord giveth and the Good Lord taketh away. Go Sharks!

At about 9pm Bill realises Labor has been done in the eye by the pre-polling which didn’t factor in the promised socialist utopia cunningly revealed late in the campaign. Clutching Floey’s hand he tearfully accepts defeat, blaming all those who didn’t vote for him, and tenders his resignation. There isn’t a dry eye in the place as all around gnash their expensive orthodontics while they work their smart phones seeking alternative well-paid employment.

Meanwhile over at the ABC they’re jumping out of the windows or reaching for the knotted ropes and the rusty razors. At around 9.20pm SloMo slips down the front stairs of the Cronulla RLFC declaring that he’s always believed in Miracle margarine. He thanks his family, Hillsong and Bob Hawke. He thanks Zali Steggles for ridding him of “that meddlesome priest” in Warringah (and for all the frozen chooks for the after-party). He swears he’ll govern for all Australians apart from etc, etc (see above). Then we turned over to the semi-final of the Eurovision song contest where the voting really is rigged.

The captain introduced our guests, Ian and Sue Picker from up the road, Gerry and Yvette Mander from Queensland and Ginger and Theo Vitas from Red Gums in Victoria. Ted Evans entertained the crowd with stories old and new. The googly ball went to Col Urquhart who spent the last four months looking for a lost 5-iron only to learn that the set of clubs he bought on Gumtree didn’t include one!

Winners & Grinners

The dummy spit was awarded to the Incredible Sulk, Vicki Still, for throwing numerous tanties on the course but still managing some marvellous strokes. A new award, the Birthday Award, went to Ken Gordon.

Tim, Pete & Paul

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon 2, Colin Urquhart 2 and Alex Gordon who was also the junior comp winner with 25 Stableford points. Runner-up was Madison Gordon 21 and in 3rd place was Phoebe Beckett 16. It was a day for the gay Gordons: Ken won the nine hole comp with 21 points from Deb on 20. Victory in the 18 hole comp went to Pete Harrison 37 from Vicki Still 32. Our sponsors played well but unfortunately they cannot, by tradition, win a major prize. And a damn good thing, too. Congratulations to all participants.

Join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 June at the community hall for another exciting challenge in hand/eye coordination. We will be discussing the ACT’s new animal rights legislation and asking the question: should kangaroos get the vote?

Larry King, golfer. With considerable, but unsuspecting, help from John Cosgrove.

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 7 April. Your correspondent has always wanted to be a Colourful Racing Identity. Not with the nasty bits like drugs, dead bodies and all that. Just the colourful bits. Winning horses, photo in the paper hugging Gai Waterhouse, loud clothes, night clubs and so on. My guilty desire has recently resurfaced because a colourful racing identity has come to live with us. Her name is Wilma and she’s a greyhound. Formerly of the seedy demi monde of Victoria’s dog tracks, she had seven wins and a string of seconds and thirds before her career was cut short by pannus (look it up you lazy bar steward).


What’s that got to do with golf, I hear you cry. Well, I’ve always wanted to win the Masters, too. Not that paltry show in the Deep South of the US. But the Wamboin Mini Masters famed in song, story, legend and myth. It works like this: you play six holes on Bingley Way then return to the Hall to see who’s made the cut. (You can also do a bit of hydraulic lubrication, if necessary.) Out again to play the same six holes, then the novelty shots back at the Hall.


At the 19th, as the captain did the tote to see who would wear the greenish jacket, we discussed matters political. When I asked who had won the NSW poll I swear the response was “a pair o’ jiklions”. Now, I wouldn’t recognize a jiklion if it popped up in the porridge. Nor did I know they came in pairs. All I know is that the Deadly Serious candidate – my first preference - didn’t poll enough to regain her deposit. What a travesty! The captain introduced our guest-of-honour, Peter Evans, President of the Wamboin Community Association which sponsored the day. Thanks WCA for the prizes and finger food. Golfing guests included former member, David Bailey, who hasn’t lost his touch (see below) and Dave Hubbard who interrupted his work as a laboratory rat for medical science. Ted Evans warmed up the crowd before the googly ball was given to Steve Lambert for sharpening his tee under the misapprehension that it was a pencil (should have gone to Spec Savers).

Winners & Grinners

The dummy spit went to Nev Schroder for complaining that the ground staff had moved one of the greens. Novelty pitching comp winners were: ramp, Nev Schroder 5.2m; tyre, Steve Lambert 4.3m; one hand, David Bailey 4.1m; bunker, Vicki Still 0.3m; best overall Ken Gordon (four inside the circle).

Peter & Ken

Winner of the handicap comp was David Bailey 46.3 ahead of runner-up Glen Crafter 46.7. Nine players made the cut but since your correspondent was not among them he feels no responsibility to pander to their egos. The Masters place getters were: Junior master, Alex Gordon76 strokes; senior Masters runner-up Nev Schroder 53. As a hush descends on the crowd it can be revealed that the 2019 Wamboin Master is Ken Gordon on 51 strokes. Congratulations Ken. The grey/green jacket suits you well. Well done all competitors and many thanks to Nev, Lofty, Vicki and Tim for faultlessly organizing play and technology.

According to the Gregorian calendar, next month is the Merrie Month of May. Do feel free to join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 19 May (delayed from the traditional first Sunday date due to insurmountable circumstances) for the standard 12.30pm starting signal. Meanwhile, I’m thinking of joining the vegans next time they chain themselves to an abattoir. Seems like a great opportunity to quietly nick a carcase or two to feed the hordes descending on us at Easter,

Larry King, golfer.

March Competition Results

Sunday, 3 March. Do we need rain or what? Up here in the foothills of the foothills of the Alps we could do with chamber pots full of it. So send it down, Huey! But not as much as poor old Townsville if you don’t mind. Funny name, Townsville. Must be an outpost of Quebec where all place names are in English and French. Never mind. Keep calm and play golf. This month, in a departure from tradition, we held the GST Anniversary Ambrose (when you have to add 10% to your handicap) because the sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, will be travelling at the time of the EOFY. We thank them deeply for the prizes and edible refreshments. And so, dressed like Bedouins to ward off the sun’s nuclear scimitars we mounted our iron camels and struck out into shimmering heat of the limitless Wamboin desert.

Back at the oasis, as fluid loss was enthusiastically replaced (some replaced more than they lost), we analysed the perturbing news that the computer systems of the major political parties—Liberal, Labor, National and Deadly Serious—had all been hacked. According to ASIO it was done by a “sophisticated state actor”. We considered the options: first we excluded anyone who’d won an Oscar, BAFTA, ARIA or whatever; then we ruled out SloMo—a chronic over-actor—on the ground he’s federal; we eliminated those other political thespians, the state Premier and her deputy, for diminished sophistication (unless you take the cynical view that all politicians are practiced in the art of sophistry); we excused the Bungendore Players—all damn fine actors but short-suited from an IT point of view; and we knocked out the cast of Married at First Sight just for the hell of it. That left Russia or China so we tossed a coin and, sorry China, you’re in the frame. And that’s where you’ll stay until you rescind the ban on our new, clean, gentle-to-the-environment coal.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order, introduced our guest, Murray Goodridge, back for the second time. Ted Evans showed us why the one-liner is still amusing. The googly ball went to Steve Lambert for a humorous but tactless remark at his team mate’s expense. The dummy spit was taken out by Lofty Mason who, when accused by his wife of not trying, declared that he was trying his best. Juniors comp winners were sweet little Deb Gordon, Madz Gordon and Phoebe Beckett, all on 31. NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter x 2, Colin Urquhart x 2, Murray Goodridge, Glen Crafter, John Whitney and Steve Lambert. Winners of the nine hole comp were the team of Steve Lambert and Larry King 26.5 from Ken and Alex Gordon 26.7. Winners of the 18 hole comp were Tim Barter and Murray Goodridge 60 from Colin Urquhart and Glen Crafter 2nd on appeal 64 followed by Samuel Urquhart and Paul Griffin 3rd 68. Well done all players!

Next month is April and by now we all know what local meteorologist, T S Eliot, says about April so I won’t repeat it. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the normal 12.30 pm start. Don’t forget to vote in the election to see which group of “sophisticated state actors” will run the Rum Corps for the next four years. Will it be that nasty John Macarthur or that nice Captain Bligh? Only time will tell.

Larry King, golfer
(with apologies from our photographer, who was MIA on this occasion)

February Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 February. A beautiful sunny day for cricket at Manuka Oval—which is where your correspondent was, instead of playing golf at Wamboin. You’ll be interested to know that during drinks in the morning session the crowd was abuzz with the thrilling news that Slomo had decided to lash out on re-enacting Capt J Cook’s historic circumcision of the continent of Terra Australis—i.e. the incisive removal of New South Wales from New Holland. Can’t wait for that—have put my name down as cabin boy on HMB Endeavour. Meanwhile, in Wamboin, preparations were in hand for the monthly competition, sponsored on this occasion by the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the eats and prizes respectively. The sponsors declared the comp to be determined by stroke play after handicap.

Overdrive Watergate

Your correspondent is informed by a reliable source that back at the Hall a lively debate ensued on whether recent climatic events are harbingers of doom: did the drought followed by our local December inundation, the January heatwave in the South and the torrential rain fall and flooding in the North, the Tasmanian and Victorian fires and the Great Sutton Earthquake all mean that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had been set upon the Earth as punishment for our neglect of the environment? Could we expect war, plague and pestilence (oh! The humanity!) to come next? Luckily, before those and other crackpot ideas could gain a grip on the fevered imagination and the galloping hysteria the captain called for order and introduced our guests, local pathologists Col and Maria Onoskapi. Ted Evans rolled out a story about ice cream.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was claimed by Raylene Beckett but my informants won’t tell me why. The dummy spit went to Samantha Urquhart because her husband lost his Christmas present 5 iron. It was then passed on to Joan Mason who, after invoking rule 5b of the 3rd Amendment, teed off early at 6.15am (to avoid the heat of the day) and complained that the greens hadn’t been prepared.

LD and NTP ball winners were Pete Harrison x 4, Paul Griffin, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter, Colin Urquhart and John Whitney.


Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Phoebe Beckett 68/32 from runner-up Alex Gordon 54/35. Lofty Mason took out the senior nine hole comp 41/27 from Joan Mason 43/32 and Samuel Urquhart 3rd OCB 49/34. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 81/64 from Tim Barter 76/67 with Keith “I never win anything” France in 3rd place on 80/69. Well done, one and all!

Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 3 March for the Mad March Hare comp. You know the drill: be here at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30pm cast off. Which reminds me - local fishmonger, Murray Darling, has asked me to let you know that he has large stocks of the rare Menindee white fish going cheap. Get ‘em while they’re fresh.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Saddle Up

Sunday, 6 January. Not too hot, not too cold. Not too windy but not still. Not too cloudy, not too sunny. Neither one thing nor the other. Just like Schrödinger’s cat. Not that I was all that familiar with the poor old moggie. Or Schrödinger for that matter. I know Nev Schroder but I‘m not sure he has a cat. And if he does he wouldn’t keep it in a radioactive chamber like bloody Schrödinger. Where’s the RSPCA when you need them? Where was I? oh, yeah, the Welcome-the-New-Year comp normally sponsored by Wiyagiba Trading but Dave Hubbard’s back in hospital again so the club stepped up to provide the prizes and eats with the help of Joan Mason and Libby King whom we thank profusely. We also wish Dave a swift recovery from his latest medical adventure. In keeping with the Hubbard spirit the day was declared a ten hole three-club day determined by stroke play adjusted for handicap.

Weepers Drive'

Afterwards, back in the Wamboin “bubble”, we were all anxious to compare New Year’s resolutions. Here are your correspondent’s. 1) I will reduce my contribution to global warming. This is not easy. First I tried reducing my footprint by going down a shoe size and becoming a vegan but all I got was sore toes and excessive flatus. Turns out that vegans, like all ruminants, create inordinate volumes of methane. So I have now resolved to eat as many ruminants as possible to prevent them from passing greenhouse gas. 2) I will enter a car in the Summernats. So I polished up the old Nissan Cedric and took it along but was laughed out of EPIC by people with high BMIs and mullets. 3) I will not celebrate the 200th anniversary of the Armistice. I’m on safe ground here. 4). Rather than whinge from the sidelines I will actively participate in the political process. I have applied to join the Deadly Serious Party who, unlike the others, take politics very, umm, well, err, like, seriously. 5) I will ingest alcohol for medical reasons only. I’m encouraged in this endeavor by the advice of my old mate, local pharmacist, W C Field, who said he always carried a bottle of “the tincture” with him in case he was bitten by a snake which he also carried with him.

Hotel 19

The captain welcomed our guests, Brenda Beamont all the way from London and Nick and Ultima Thule from even farther out. Ted Evans described the qualifications needed to be a lemon picker. The googly ball went to the person whose foursome lost 20 minutes looking for his car keys which turned up where they should be – in the ignition. Colin Urquhart won the dummy spit for complaining about the three-club day after bringing his new full set of clubs (a Christmas present). LD and NTP ball winners were Scott Mason x 3, Glen Crafter and Colin Urquhart.

Winners & Grinners

Junior comp winner was Lila Mason from Phoebe Beckett 2nd and Tim Nelson 3rd. Place getters, in ascending order, in the senior ten hole comp were: in 6th place Glen Crafter 51/43, 5th Scott Mason 49/42, 4th Lofty Mason 57/41, 3rd Keith France 46/40, 2nd Paul Griffin 48/39 and the winner Colin Urquhart 50/36 with those new clubs.

Next month is February - a dry month for those suffering the seasonal liver complaint. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 3 February. You can forget about cricket: the so-called Indian summer will be over. Be here at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. And wear a smile. It’s going to be a marvelous year!

Larry King, golfer


December Competition Results

God rest ye merrie gentlefolk, let nothing you dismay. Remember 2 December was a jolly golfing day. And so it was, with Christmas just around the corner and everyone full to the brim with joie de vivre and bonhomie and all that other Gallic stuff. The day’s sponsors were the Petermen – Harrison and Greenwood – and we thank them to the utmost for the prizes and eats especially the braised holly, the boiled ivy, the fricasseed mistletoe and the barbecued partridge in the deep fried pear tree. The day’s competition was declared to be handicap stroke play and so, with our sleigh bells a-jingle we set off into the countryside hoping that good old Saint Nick would grant our yuletide wishes.

Donkey of Finn

Back at Santa’s workshop at the North Pole (via Bingley Way) our captain, the Grinch, set about tallying the score while we all reviewed the events of 2018. We were aided in this exercise by your correspondent’s new neighbour, Rainbird Waterfall, who plied us with freshly-baked cookies. Don’t know what was in them but Yummo! Anyway we all agreed what an absolutely, spiflicatingly wonderful year it had been. Australian democracy was safely in the enlightened and stable custody of a parliament chosen from the brightest and most beneficent statesmen and women in the land. Highly trusted institutions were continuing their sympathetic and benevolent mission of looking after the most vulnerable in their care (mmm, these cookies are great!). The royal commission found the finance sector a model of responsibility, altruism and probity and its regulators the very criteria of efficiency (I must get the recipe). The US, our major ally, is under the control of an intelligent, honest and upright administrator (wheeee!). Science has reduced greenhouse gas and ozone levels and energy prices are no longer an issue of concern thanks to decisive and bipartisan national action (far out and solid, man!). And our rugby and cricket teams are the scourge and envy of the world (why is that cow on the ceiling?).

Winners & Grinners
Twin Gums

The Grinch didn’t welcome our guests—only because there weren’t any—but he did award the googly ball to Vicki Still who refused to turn down her loud shorts. The dummy spit went again to Alex Gordon for blaming the handicapper for his rotten score. (Very low behaviour. Like ball tampering in cricket.) LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still x 3, Tim Barter x 2, Keith France x 2, Joan Mason, Ken Gordon and Samuel Urquhart.

Juniors comp winner was Alex Gordon 56/38 despite the whining. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 52/34 OCB Ken Gordon 38/34 with Lofty Mason in 3rd place 48/35 OCB from Joan. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Keith France 73/61. Runner-up was Vicki Still 86/62 from 3rd place getter Paul Griffin 81/65. Well done all competitors.

It is now a new year (2019 for the less numerate). Here’s a new year’s tip: if visiting Poms want to discuss cricket or rugby, cunningly change the conversation to Brexit. That’ll divert ‘em for hours. You can then join us at the community hall on the first Sunday of the month for a game of skill and cunning. Make a resolution to be here at 12.15pm for the regular 12.30pm cannonade. Meanwhile, the members of the R&A Wamboin GC wish you and yours as good a new year as 2018 has been (must get more of those cookies…).

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

Sunday, 4 November. There’s the Australian Open, the US Open and the British Open but they are all barely discernible in the umbra of the Wamboin Open, hotly contested every November. It was a warm and pleasant day which suited the thousands thronging the short rough flanking the fairways to watch the cream of the region’s golfers vying for immortality. There were two competitions in each of the nine and 18 hole divisions: handicap and gross. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin GC itself and we thank the club for the prizes and refreshments. After having the rules and etiquette of the game explained to them by joint acting captain, Deb Gordon, contestants loaded their shootin’ irons and headed out onto the field of battle.

Finn's Spotties'

After we handed in our cards back at barracks joint acting captain, Ken Gordon, sorted truth from fiction as talk turned to the vexed question of inappropriate street and place names, the current hot issue. Take Malbon Street in the heart of this earthly paradise’s capital city, Bungendore. It’s made up of two French words, mal meaning bad and bon meaning good. Who could live comfortably on Goodbad Street? A Street that can’t seem to make up its mind on how it feels (like Crookwell). Why not rename it Verygood Street? Or we could keep the French theme and call it Rue Tres Bon which seems appropriate. Then there’s Ellendon Street. The local historical society is pretty sure it’s named after Ellen and Don someone-or-other but who they were is lost in antiquity, making it an unsatisfactory address for people who like things cut and dried. And the word Bungendore itself sounds like someone out of J K Rolling’s imagination. Your correspondent has previously reported on the derivation of Norton Road, a corruption of "nought on" meaning naked, which has upset those who like to go fully clothed. Let’s hope the Queens Park Rangers can solve these dilemmas to everyone’s satisfaction.

Winners & Grinners

Jt A/g capt called us to order by tendering an apology from Dr Brengun Nelson (brother of Half Nelson) who was still working out how to spend $½ billion on the new AWM Theme Park. Ted Evans brought us up to date with goings-on in the thriving metrolops of Queanbeyan.

Lofty Mason and your correspondent scored the Googly Ball for (a) slowing the game by stopping to watch two shingle backs making little shinglebacks (it’s not as exciting as you’d think) and (b) restoring the Rob Gorham Perpetual Dummy Spit to the trophy cabinet at Rob’s request. Dummy spit of the day went to Joan “not me again!” Mason. LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 3, John Whitney x 2, Tim Barter, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason and Pete Harrison.


Junior champion was Madison Gordon with a net 26. Junior encouragement award winners were Phoebe Beckett and Alex Gordon.

Winner of the nine hole eclectic was Joan Mason while the 18 hole eclectic was taken out by Tim Barter.

The club champion (nine holes net) was Ken Gordon 37/33 from Lofty Mason 47/35 and Deb Gordon 3rd 53/36. The club champion (18 holes net) was Colin Urquhart 88/52 from Paul Griffin 79/62 and John Whitney 3rd 79/64.

Now the crowd is hushed as the Jt A/g Capts announce the names of the Open Champions. And they are: Ladies Open Champion (nine holes), Joan Mason 42; Men’s Open Champion (18 holes), Tim Barter 73. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who took part.

Next month is the Christmas Medal. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm sleigh bell. And watch out for cane toads. They’re coming this way.

Larry King, golfer