Wamboin Community Association

Golf

Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.

On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.

Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.

Contact

Peter Greenwood  6238 3358


May Competition Results

Keith & Kathy

Sunday, 7 May 2017. A red letter day for the R & A Wamboin GC. We commissioned five new holes—eat your liver, Queanbeyan GC! The holes are on the property of Keith France and Kathy Handel who sponsored the day. Not their usual EOFY-add-10%-to-your-handicap nonsense but a genuine Stableford competition to welcome the new part of the course. We thank them not only for the prizes and refreshments but also their generosity in helping the club plan for the future by making their property available.

Panorama

Back at the Hall after the usual four hours of elation, despondency and profanity, conversation turned to the vexing, and slightly worrying question of whether the darn old Trumpet would rain nukes on Kim Wrong-un, Grand Imperial Haircut of North Korea, and what it would mean for the rest of us. No one knew. And we soon lost interest when it was pointed out that Ponce de Leon was not only the first governor of Spanish Puerto Rico but also discovered Florida. No, your correspondent didn’t know that either. But it struck him forcibly, if sadly, that you rarely ever meet anyone called Ponce these days. When was the last time this august journal of record reported that ”raw-boned loose forward, Ponce O’Shaunessy, scored two tries in the Mudchooks’ victory over the Bushpigs”? Or “William Ponce McGillicuddy was arrested in Norton Road for being six times over the limit”? Or “young Ponce Smithsonian won the maths prize at Bungendore Primary”. It doesn’t happen does it? Whatever became of such grand old names? (Don’t write in. I’ve got a feeling we all know the answer.)

Winners & Grinners
Tribute

After the captain welcomed our guests, Ponce and Viola di Gamba (just kidding), he complimented local cartographer, Neville “Mercator” Schroder for the beautiful maps of the new course which saved us from wandering, Moses-like, in the French wilderness. Ted Evans and his straight man then paid a moving tribute to two men, one sadly dead and one very much alive: the late John Clarke and the early Pete Harrison. The Googly Ball was thrown around a bit before it was awarded to the person who played three shots with Ken Gordon’s ball before returning it to him. The Dummy went to John Whitney for drawing attention to some of the blemishes on the new holes. His defence of “constructive suggestion” was deemed invalid under new rule 8: each complaint about the state of the course is penalised one beer to the greenkeeper. We all joined with Tim Barter in deploring the lapse in standards by the Wamboin Whisper in publishing obscene photos of horses. Where it would end, we asked.

Keith & Kathy

NTP and LD ball winners were Pete Harrison 3, Ken Gordon 2, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Keith France, Vicki Still and Tim Barter. The junior winner was Phoebe Beckett. The 9 hole comp was taken out by Lofty Mason with 17 Stableford points from Larry King on 14 and Joan Mason on 12. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 40 on a count back from John Whitney. Our moral crusader, Tim Barter, was 3rd on 38. Join us at the Wamboin Community Hall next month on Sunday, 4 June at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm pyrotechnic when we once again bring first class golf to the region. Meanwhile try this on your friends: What’s the difference between POTUS and the US fauna emblem? Answer: They’re both bald but one hides it better than the other.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

Sunday 2 April 2017. The Masters. Not that cheap, tawdry thing they have in Augusta GA, but the real thing – the Wamboin Mini Masters, famed in song and story. In case you’re unfamiliar with this great sporting event, here’s how it works.

Vicki

Of the 18 picturesque holes of this PGA status course, only six are in play: Firebreak Five, Pine Slice, Short-and-Sweet, Saddle Up, Ron’s Dam (or damn) Hole and Shep’s High Drive. All players—men, women, children, domestic animals and passing aliens—play those holes then return to the Hall where the tournament officials determine who has made the cut. Then we play the same holes again to sort out who wears the Grimy Jacket.

Joan

Got it? But wait, there’s more! At the Hall the novelty shots are played, viz: closest to the pin standing on a tyre, a ramp, in a sand box and with one arm. (No, not simultaneously, you idiot!) Everyone must do this. No churlish backsliding is accepted. The hilarity engendered defies description.

Scott

The day, a beautiful mild Autumn one, was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association. We thank that august body for the prizes and refreshments. And we acknowledge the catering skills of acting president, Peter Evans. The acting captain welcomed our guests, Scott and Lila Mason, on the chicken run from the big circular wind ‘oop North. The Googly Ball went to Cyclone Debbie (Deb Gordon) after it was taken off Charles Guscott for spitting the dummy having played the shot of lifetime on a hole not in play! Ted Evans resolved that age-old issue of how long is a piece of string: if you cut off both ends it’s endless. While club officials sorted out the scores, we all marvelled at the startling, new QPR logo, based on the Rorschach Test. (Not to be confused with the Raw Prawn Test.) Your correspondent blushes to admit to what he sees when he looks at it. Anyway, congratulations to our hard-working Administrator, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, for thinking it up.

Winners & Grinners
Don

But now the results. Encouragement awards went to Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. The Pitching Comp winners were: NTP ramp, Scott Mason 1.7 metres; NTP tyre, Scott Mason 6.4m; NTP one hand, Scott Mason 6.6m (he’s very good with one hand); NTP bunker, Tim Barter 5.3m and best overall (not Tim) pitcher with an aggregate 24.7m - yes, you guessed it. The handicap comp winner was Pete Harrison with 71 strokes for a net 45 from runner-up, the ubiquitous Scott Mason 55/46. The junior master was Mads Gordon with 48 strokes over six holes. The Masters runner-up was Tim Barter on 51. And as the hautboys and sackbuts sound an alarum it can be revealed that the 2017 Wamboin Master, resplendent in a jacket of indefinite hue, is Ken Gordon on 50 strokes.

Next month the day will be sponsored by the Ancient Mariners and Sky Pilots Association so please join us at the Wamboin Community Hall on Sunday 7 May at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, to set the record straight, your correspondent did not say that the White House was occupied by an underclass of social degenerates led by a lying guttersnipe. I just thought it. Alright, sometimes I think out loud. But, either way, they can’t do you for thinking. Yet.

Larry King, golfer.

March Competition Results

Short'nSweet

Mahogany Ridge, Marlin Hotel, Ulladulla, Sunday, 5 March. “I had written her a letter which I had, for want of better knowledge, sent to where I’d met her down Maroubra years ago. She was surfing when I knew her so I sent the letter to her just on spec addressed as follows – Nancy of the Undertow.” Those immortal words of Mandolin Paterson (cousin of Banjo) steal into the vacant spaces of your correspondent’s alleged mind as he sits here nursing one of Dr Resch’s fine neck oils and contemplating the pellucid waters of this attractive coastal town’s fine harbour. Meanwhile two great sporting events were taking place on either side of the continent. In the Golden West, Rocky Burnett’s coalition parties were playing extreme politics. In the East the fit and toned athletes of the QPR were engaged in the extreme golf of the Wamboin Mad March competition. Rocky went down in a screaming heap. Even an appeal to the DRS didn’t help. It confirmed that (a) he’d been at the crease too long and (b) he shouldn’t have done his Faustian preferences deal with Pauline’s Onanist Nation.

Winners & Grinners
Weepers

Back East we were faring better. For starters, the day was sponsored by the finely-tuned members of the Gordon family who provided the prizes and the food for which we thank them from the bottom of our hearts or thereabouts. The captain welcomed our guests, Ted Evans from the thriving metrolops of Greater Queanbeyan, and the Gorhams all the way from Boorowa (where Barnaby Joyce is relocating the Australian Wheat Board).

Deb

The Googly Ball was awarded to the female members of the Beckett and Gordon families for reasons which will remain obscure but which, I am assured, do not raise questions of misogyny or sexism. The Dummy Spit went to a young gentleman we shall identify only by his name, Alex Gordon. The encouragement award (junior 9 holes) was presented to Phoebe Beckett while a similar award (seniors 18 holes) went to Rob Gorham for getting out of bed. NTP and LD ball winners were Ken Gordon x 3, Matt O’Brien x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Pete Harrison, Alex Gordon and Rob Gorham. The longest drive for a drink was won by Marylou Gorham. The junior comp winner (9 holes) was Madison Gordon with 65 off the stick for an adjusted 23 (and they reckon the handicapper isn’t an old softie!). The seniors 9 hole comp was taken out by Ken Gordon 36/31 from his close personal friend, Deb Gordon 53/35. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter75/59 from runner-up Matt O’Brien 103/66 with Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 108/70. Tim’s mojo was really working: his 75 off the stick makes him a contender for the course record, subject to checking club historical documents.

Next month – April, in case you’ve been drifting – will see the annual struggle for the grey (formerly green) jacket as the region’s golfers vie for the famous Wamboin Mini Masters. You are cordially invited to join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday 2 April for the 12.30pm kick off. In the meantime, isn’t our flash new supermarket on the Kings Highway the ant’s pants? They should put up a great big neon sign with an equally flash name chosen by public competition. To start the ball rolling your correspondent suggests Bungendore’s BIGA IGA. Keep those entries flooding in!

Larry King, golfer

February Competition Results

Greenwood's Ruins

Sunday 5 February 2017. A very hot day. 35 Celsius in the shade of a barbed wire fence. But a steady breeze over a healthy sweat had a kind of evaporative effect so the plucky golfers of the region sucked it up as they contested the Wamboin February Stableford. The day was sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families to whom we extend our gratitude for the prizes and food at the 19th.

Hotel 19

Back at the community hall we stood around comparing our Australia Day gongs. Did you get one? Your correspondent’s must be in the mail – which bothers him a bit because that nice but underpaid Mr Ahab Fervour, the Australia Post CEO, got his already. I think it was for delivering a postal service slightly faster than Cobb & Co but slower than the Pony Express. And it explains why I didn’t get my invitation to the Incarceration Ball in DC (as we Deplorables call the epicentre of power-without-purpose) in honour of the old “alternative fact” machine himself, President Donald Trumpet. But I was buoyed by the news that my old mate, David Sodey, the lisping former CEO of Telstra, got a gong too. (Can’t remember what got him across the line.) Go Dave! All consumers of information and communications technology salute you. Good to see that Bungendore pastry chef, Cosi Panini, was made our Australia Day local hero. Cosi is starting his own political party, the Australian Preservatives, which will give a voice to those otherwise disenfranchised people who make conserves and stuff like that. Break a leg, Cosi!

Winners & Grinners
Prizegiving

After the captain welcomed our guest, Tony Fitzgerald, Ted Evans and his straight man injected an air of cabaret with some ancient golf stories. Deb Gordon was awarded the Googly Ball for enjoying the day without the usual encumbrances. The Dummy was passed around between Lofty Mason—who complained that because he played early in the morning to avoid the heat of the day he missed out being a ball winner—to Tim Barter who whined about ripping his finger on the fence at Ron’s Dam Hole (what a big girl’s blouse!). NTP and LD winners (sadly not including Lofty) were Tim Barter 4 (!), Tony Fisher 2, Matt O’Brien 2, Ken Gordon and Larry King. Third place getter in the 9 hole comp was Deb Gordon with 17 Stableford points, 2nd OCB Lofty Mason also 17, 1st Ken Gordon 19. (John Whitney scored 21 but being a sponsor was deemed by tradition to be ineligible for a prize.) Third in the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 32, 2nd Matt O’Brien 34 and the winner was Tim Barter 37. Well done, all!

Next month will feature the Mad March Hare competition so we’re hoping that Australia’s acknowledged master of the brainfart, Bud Abbott MP, will present the prizes. So join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 March for the 12.30 pm cannon. Meanwhile, keep your paddle clean and bright.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

New Year’s Day in the 2,017th year of the Current Era. Your correspondent will not lie to you (see below for plausible explanation). As he teed up for the Wamboin New Year Spectacular he was feeling decidedly spare to capacity as the result of a convivial New Year’s Eve. The tongue was swollen, the mouth was dry, the eyes were gritty and the hand was shaking. But we of the QPR are made of tough stuff so he valiantly fought the reflux and soldiered on. The day was sponsored by Dave and Jane Hubbard of Wiyagiba Trading (a free burial at sea if you can pronounce it) to whom we extend our thanks for the refreshments and the prizes. In keeping with the prevailing weather conditions the January comp is restricted to the ten holes along Bingley Way. By tradition, Hubbards' day is supposed to be a three- stick Ambrose. But the Captain stuffed up the message so most of us played stroke. Still, it was a joy to see Nev Schroder putting with his driver (and sinking them!).

Paul

Back at the Hall the tetchy bickering between the Captain and Mr Hubbard continued ad nauseum until the crowd grew restless and began talking amongst themselves. And what we discussed, of course, were our New Year’s resolutions. Here are mine. 1, I will not vote for the Communist Party (I think I’m safe here. I’ve never done so before and there is no foreseeable reason why I should). 2, I will extol the virtues of President Trump (and I will too as soon as they are vouchsafed to me). 3, I will consume more sugar (the way science progresses I think sugar is due for a good rap and I’ve always wanted to be ahead of the trend). 4, I will always speak well of our political leaders (they’re just a group of misunderstood people doing the best they can in our interests). 5, I will write the absolute unvarnished truth in this august journal of record (I admit I’ve stretched it a bit in the past but those days are over). Only time will tell if I can live up to those high ideals.

Winners & Grinners
Dave & Pete

The Googly Ball went to Tim Barter for his role as a gondolier in a romantic night on Lake Burley Griffin (named after Paul Griffin’s stout Aunt Burley). The Dummy Spit was tossed back and forth between our Captain, Peter Greenwood, and Dave Hubbard. A right pair of tossers. It was like watching Obama and Putin. Ted Evans sent in a story about golf in heaven. The encouragement award was taken out by Lila Mason. NTP and LD ball winners were Nev Schroder 2, Larry King 2, Pete Harrison 2, Paul Griffin 2, Joan Mason and Tim Barter. Sixth place in the day’s ten hole competition was Joan Mason with a net 38, 5th Lofty Mason 36, 4th Scott Mason 34, 3rd Paul Griffin 34 OCB, runner-up was Tim Barter 33 and the winner was Pete Harrison 30.

The February comp will be sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families. Do join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 February for the 12.30pm getaway.

Meanwhile, may 2017 be a year of unutterable boredom compared with the shenanigans, outrages and atrocities of the previous year in which, with some shining exceptions, personkind failed to distinguish itself from its atavistic, Darwinian progenitors.

Larry King, golfer

2016

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup

SaddleUp

Sunday, 4 December 2016. A warmish day which may have accounted for the smallish but selectish crowd that turned up for the Christmas Comp. Your correspondent would have thought that the predicted daytime temperature of 33 Celsius as pleasant enough. But then he is an optimist: his glass is half full (except when it's completely full or empty or at any other level). Mind you, it strains facial muscles to keep that optimistic smile on your face these days. With the economy tanking, the decision of our jovial PM, Malcolm Turmoil, to rule out an emissions intensity scheme (whatever that is), Australian kids getting dumber – except, of course, in the good old QPR (and Sutton), the Wallabies getting cleaned up by the Poms (again!) and our cricketers beaten by everyone but New Zealand (who are mourning the loss of their own top notch PM, John Quay (known to his friends as "Circular"), the rictus is starting to hurt. But just as one reaches for the knotted rope and the rusty razor one calls to mind Sir Mick the Dagger becoming a father again, cheerleading getting a go at the Olympics (can't wait for that), the Kangaroos sweeping the rugby league field and a chap feels fine once more. Especially about Mick who'll be over 90 when the kid's eligible to vote – if he makes it (Mick I mean, not the kid). And I'll bet Keef will still be going strong.

Winners & Grinners
Pete, Ned & Michael

The day's sponsors were Michael and Deborah Fileman and Rob and Penny Gibson. We sincerely thank all four for the provender and the prizes. Ted Evans made the pilgrimage from our regional hub to report on how a newly-wed golfer was able to correct is wife's hook. The Googly Ball was scooped up by Joan and Lofty Mason for their starring role in The Attack of the Killer Plovers who are raising chicks on the oval. The Dummy Spit Award went to top sportsman and maths wizard, Alex Gordon, for chucking a rolling tanty for five of nine holes. (And I wasn't there. There is a God!) LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter x 3, Ken Gordon x 2, Deb Gordon, Paul Griffin, Pete Harrison and Lofty Mason. The junior comp was won by newly-appointed Sutton Primary prefect, Madison Gordon with 74 strokes for a net 31 after handicap. Runner-up was her cranky brother Alex on 61/32. The nine hole camp went to Deb Gordon 49/29 on a count back from Lofty Mason 44/29. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Tim Barter 83/67 from Paul Griffin 88/69. The NAGA Award was won by Pete Harrison 119/72 who regained the coveted Ned Kelly Trophy (made of genuine concrete).

Party Time

Our next golf day will be held in 2017. Sunday, 1 January to be precise. So lay off the singing syrup the night before. The New Year's Day comp will be sponsored by Jane and Dave Hubbard of Wyagiba Trading. We look forward to seeing you at the Hall at 2.15pm (not the usual 12.30pm start) for the traditional shot gun start, the event being played over 10 holes in deference to the warmer summer weather. Meanwhile, on behalf of the R & A Wamboin Golf Club your correspondent wishes you a Merry Christmas and all the best for the coming year which looks like being a tough one, not least because of the apparent stasis and inertia on the part of our learned leaders. My old mate, M T Cicero, would sum it up thus: Quo usque tandem abutere, Malcolmus, patientia nostra? Look it up. It'll give you something else to do over the festive season.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The 31st Wamboin Open

Sunday 6 November, Wamboin Open day. A beautiful, mild, early Summer’s day which brought golfers in their thousands – or thereabouts – to the fray. Naturally, the crowd was agog with the amazing developments in the US presidential campaign. Who would have thought you could rent the FBI? Regular readers of this column will know that your correspondent, a renowned psephologist (the P is silent – as in surfing) has for many months been predicting a landslide victory for Donald Trumpet. Oh yes, he has! What you don’t know is the remarkable connection the Donald has with our region, viz: that he acquired his distinctive hairstyle right here in the QPR. When he and the beautiful Melaria came out here on their honeymoon Don’s rapidly receding hair, fluttering in a stiff Wamboin breeze, attracted the attention of a semi arboreal marsupial of the family Phalangeridae, otherwise known as the common brushtail possum. Long story short, Donny and the possum have been inseparable ever since. He refers to it as the GOP (Grand Old Possum) and wears it on his head on every occasion.

What’s this got to do with the Wamboin Open, I hear you cry. Well, buckle up and come for the ride because it turns out that in a deal brokered by Don-boy and our own decisive and charismatic PM, local golfer and stone mason, Mick Buonarroti, has been appointed to take the asylum seekers on Nauru and Manus to the US where they will build a wall along the Mexican border: two problems solved simultaneously.

Meanwhile back at Trumpet Tower on Bingley Way the captain welcomed our guests Craig Bradley and Peter Kelly and thanked the club for providing the food and prizes. The Googly Ball went to your correspondent who arrived just in time to play the 19th, having spent a long weekend fishing in the mountains (watch for separate report). Len Ivey spat the dummy but we don’t know why considering his result (read on). LD and NTP ball winners were Rob Gibson x 2, Ken Gordon, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Charles Guscott and Craig Bradley. Junior Champion was Logan Beckett with 45 off the stick for a net 29, from Madison Gordon with 75/32 on a count back. The encouragement award for juniors was awarded jointly to Alex Gordon and Logan Robinson. The annual eclectic for nine holes was won by Ken Gordon net 27 from Lofty Mason 28.5. The 18 hole eclectic winner was Charles Guscott net 57, closely followed by Pete Harrison 58.

Grinners

As John Philip Sousa strikes up the band we can announce that the 2016 club champions (net scores) are: nine holes 3rd Deb Gordon 51/30, 2nd Michael Fileman 45/29, champion Rob Gibson 38/28; 18 holes 3rd Keith France 81/62, 2nd Charles Guscott 82/60, champion Paul Griffin 81/60 OCB. And as the pipes and drums of Her Majesty’s Loyal Burpers join in we can reveal to the world that the 2016 Ladies Open Champion (nine holes) is Joan Mason with 42 strokes and the 2016 Men’s Open Champion is Len Ivey with 76 off the stick. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all the enthusiastic sportspeople who took part.

Join us on Sunday 4 December for the Christmas Comp. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start. Wear a sprig of mistletoe and remember – it’s only a game. Larry King, deplorable golfer

October Competition [Non-]Results

Sunday, 2 October 2016. Well, smuggle me budgies! What a beautiful day it was. A fine, bright day. A great day for sitting around in your undies drinking from your shoe or just fishing for navel lint and solving the world’s problems. Or maybe oiling your brand new 7-shot Adler and wondering if we’ll ever get back the Bledisloe Cup. Or just doing a little macramé or cross stitch. Because golf was out of the question after the late September deluge.

The politically aware were still discussing the debate in that great big reality TV theme park, the United States of Disneyland, between Donald Duck (wearing a Davy Crockett hat) and Minnie Mouse (wearing a fixed smile). Those who prefer a bit more body contact in their sport were talking about the two grand finals over that weekend. First there was that weird four sticks game played by the southern socialists down Mexico way. But more relevant to us in Bungendore Tiger land was the NRL decider. Turns out we were all going for Cronulla despite their appropriation of the Viking Clap (not to be confused with a Scandinavian STD). But the real breaking news for the golfers of the QPRC was (a) the death of our patron saint, Arnold Palmer, and (b) the invitation to the R & A (Rural & Agricultural) Wamboin from the R & A (Rustic & Agrarian) Braidwood to attend the Braidwood Diggers Day Ambrose on Saturday, 12 November. Put it in your diary.

After the greens committee ruled out play to protect the course, disappointed golfers gathered at the community hall to attack the 19th. They were disappointed because the Oktoberkomp is the traditional occasion when you play as badly as you can to ensure a higher handicap for the Wamboin Open in November—an example of the low, bucolic cunning typical of the natives of this region. The day’s sponsors, L & L King, provided the solid refreshments for which we thank them. Ted Evans travelled out from Queanbeyan to provide his usual report on golfing matters elsewhere.

The Googly Ball went to that ex-parliamentary thrill-seeker, Wyatt Earp MP (retd) for his starring role in Gunfight at the IS Corral, a low budget indie shot entirely on location in Iraq. The Dummy Spit Award was given to Donald Duck for refusing to pay any income tax to the US IRS since 1996 on the grounds that he was a billion dollars in the hole after various businesses had “crapped out”—as they used to say in his failed casino.

If you’ve been concentrating you’ll have picked up that next month will feature the Wamboin Open. You are most welcome to join us at the hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 November for the prompt 12.30pm start. Queanbeyan players are reminded to wear a shirt. We have certain standards to uphold.

Larry King, golfer.

September Competition [Non-]Results

Sunday, 4 September. It was a beautiful, crisp, early Spring day. The golfers of this green and pleasant Local Government Area were preparing to contest the Wamboin Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason. There was a spring in everyone’s step. All over the course springs were bubbling to the surface, courtesy of 44mm of overnight rain. After the captain declared the course to be unplayable, we all springed (or sprang, if you prefer) to our vehicles and headed for the community hall to play the only dry hole, the 19th.

Ducks

Meanwhile at Jedi HQ, in a galaxy far, far away the Jedi Council was debating the decision of the ABS to leave no room on the census form to nominate religions alternative to those listed. “How can we possibly keep track of our 64,000 Jedi warriors in Australia?” said the big asthmatic guy with the black bucket on his head. “Teed off, no end, I am,” said the little green bloke with big ears, wearing a hessian bag. “Argghhh, arrgghh, arrgghhh!” said that tall hairy dude. “Someone put the dog out“, said Lemon Solo. And that, believe it or not, is why they sent Princess Lilo and Lukewarm Streetwalker to Earth to sort it out. Their first mistake was to disguise themselves as the Van Klomp family on a “magic mushroom” trip from Melbourne to Yass where they had the misfortune to run into Sam Dastardly, agent of a foreign power. China Sam referred them to his mates in the EW section of the Peoples Liberation Army. It was just bad luck that Lukewarm stuffed up a promising DoS campaign by sticking his laser sabre into the IBM mainframe which haemorrhaged in a dazzling display of blue lights.

Back at the Bingley Way Battle Star the Empire was striking back. Thanks to Joan and Lofty everybody won a prize and was fed beyond the dictates of gluttony on spring rolls and other goodies. The Googly Ball was awarded to special guest, Tanya Plebiscite, deputy leader of the Vogons, who is calling for a conscience vote on marriage equality. The Dummy Spit Award went to the Van Klomp family for their long range fustercluck.

Next month will feature the Oktoberfest Kompetition. Contestants will be restricted to three clubs and a beer stein. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 2 October at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm cannon. And if it’s a mild Spring day we can all go for a refreshing dip in any one of the swimming pools owned and operated by the Qantas Pilots Recreation Club—if they’re open. If not, you may join your correspondent in his back dam. And happy 90th birthday to Charlie Le Lievre!

Larry King, golfing Jedi

August Competition Results

Sunday 7 August, River of January, Brazil (where the nuts come from). That’s right, this report comes to you from South America—or it would if your correspondent was actually there. But the editor wouldn’t spring for the paltry sum he was asking to be our sports reporter in Rio. Never mind, haven’t we been doing well! At least the women have. A farmer’s daughter from Majors Creek, or somewhere very like it, has won the women’s crap shoot by making seven the hard way—with just one dice. And four girls from Bywong (I think) have won the pool competition by clearing the table in consecutive strokes. And now the Mudchicks have taken out the inaugural sevens rugby! Not to mention all those dirty brown medals we’re getting for not losing by much. And no “roids” or peptides amongst us and no “sewer inspectors” crawling through holes in the wall to change urine samples! How do we do it? I’ll tell you: it’s because our winning athletes all come from the Queen’s Park Rangers Collective, the healthiest region of Australia, under the benign and fatherly guidance of chef de mission, Mr T Working Trousers. I know what you’re thinking—it can’t get better than this. Yes it can, because the golf is yet to come.

Shep's High Drive

Now that all the Australian golfers whose names you can remember have been struck down by the VIKA virus, the AOC has called upon the Wamboin Golf Club (our motto: golfus rusticus fantasticus) to make up the members of the Australian team. We had the final practice session last Sunday. The day was sponsored by The Tradies—Don Evans, Trent Able and Henk Berlee—clever chaps who can measure things correctly and use electric powered thingummies. We thank them for the prizes and eats including Henk’s legendary pea and ham soup. It was a mild, slightly overcast afternoon, still sodden underfoot from our record wet winter. To prepare us for Rio conditions we had to add to the surface water the contents of a couple of septic tanks, a few body parts and the odd wheelie bin of household garbage.

Winners & Grinners
Don & Penny Don & Paul

Back at the Copacabana the acting captain welcomed one and all with a few well-chosen words in Portuguese. The Googly Ball went to Dave Hubbard who had to pull out of the Olympic golf team with a perforated bowel. This, it was noted by one sensitive soul, was poetic justice—for the first time in his life he was a pain in his own arse. (Sorry for that low level course language. Some Wambonians can be quite crude.) Your correspondent moved a motion of no confidence in the absent captain who underwent surgery on Friday, was up and walking on Saturday and could have presented himself for play on Sunday. The motion failed for want of a seconder—the captain is also the handicapper and no one wanted to spoil their chances for the Open in November. In view of such craven perfidy your correspondent had no option but to spit the dummy. There were of course NTP and LD ball winners but unfortunately no records were kept (tsk, tsk!). The 9 hole comp was taken out by Penny Gibson with 57 off the stick for a net 25; 2nd was Lofty Mason 44/29; 3rd Madison Gordon 75/30 (promoted to the seniors just for the day – I hope). The 18 hole comp was won by Paul Griffin 84/63 from Tim Barter 82/66 with Keith France 3rd on a count back 90/71.

Next month will be officially Spring. This means the Wamboin Spring Trophy will be contested when we get back from Rio. Join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30 pm start on Sunday 4 September. Don’t miss Joan’s spring rolls at the 19th. Adeus e melhores desejos!

Larry King, jogador de golfe

July Competition Results

Wonderful Wamboin

Sunday, 3 July 2016; a perfect day for golf spoilt by the election party hangover and the absence of our sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, stuck in Mt Isa or Longreach. At least we didn’t have to calculate the additional ten per cent they normally insist we tack on to our handicaps to celebrate the anniversary of the fair and reasonable GST. The shire’s famous community spirit was much in evidence as we scrambled to make good the deficiency in food and prizes. Our thanks to all who rustled up the eats and an array of potable prizes. A feature of the groaning board were the classy toilet paper serviettes.

Back at the Tally Room the acting Captain welcomed our visitors, Simon and Marie Barter, Margaret Hammond, Scott and Lila Mason, Jobson Grothe and Putin Peiplefurst (all the way from Russia). It was no surprise that the talk was dominated by the franchise we had exercised the previous day. It was noted that during the great social media debate between the leaders of the major parties someone asked Malcolm Turnbull how significant to the nation was Saturday 2 July. And Mal said, quick as a flash, it’s the day before the golf at Wamboin. Straight up. True as your correspondent's underpants carry two sets of DNA.

Well, polling day has come and gone and the contest for the electorate of Holden Monaro has been won by Khaki Kelly (PhD, Alligator U), resplendent in full “cammo”, contemptuously kicking IUDs off the road side. A search party is still out looking for Hidin’ Hendy, the Howard Hughes of federal politics. However, these events, dramatic as they are, have been overshadowed by a cunning, last-minute plan, hatched by Former-Mayor-in-Perpetuity, Pete "Boris" Harrison, to call for a plebiscite on whether we should remain in the Palereanbeyan Union—the so-called Palerexit. Scottish rate-payers are said to be up in arms!

Winners & Grinners

Ted Evans presented his report on the use of performance enhancing drugs by Wamboin golfers but it has since been rejected by ASADA on the grounds the VB and Coopers are permitted fluid loss adjusters. As it happens, your correspondent cannot recall the names of the LD and NTP ball winners due to the effects of said fluid loss adjusters. The encouragement award, nonetheless, went to Margaret Hammond and Tony Fisher.

The Gay Gordons

The 9 hole comp place-getters were: 1st Deb Gordon with 20 Stableford points, 2nd Alex Gordon 19, 3rd Ken Gordon 17 (well done Gordons!). The winner of the 18 hole comp was Vicki Still 37 from Charles Guscott 36 with Neville Schroder 3rd on 34.

Next month our sponsors will be the tradies—blokes with complicated tools who make and fix things. Join us at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm kick off on Sunday 7 August for as much fun as you can have standing up. Meanwhile spare a thought for the poor sod who becomes the nation’s PM. Who’d want the job! A poisoned chalice in one hand and a sh*t sandwich in the other.

Larry King, golfer and voter.

June Competition Results

Steve & Ruth

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 June 2016. Outside, Huey was throwing it down by the bucketful. The legendary Wamboin golf course was wetter than Harold Holt's flippers. The Captain called off the first 18 holes, leaving only one left to play. With fire raging and rain doing a clog dance on the roof of the Community Hall the Captain gracefully thanked our sponsors, Steve and Ruth Lambert for providing solid and liquid fuel. Remarkably, everyone scored a prize of the famous Lambert Vineyards bottled goods, even the many non-golfers who just turn up for the fellowship.

Conversation inevitably turned to the greatest geopolitical development since the fall of the Berlin Wall, i.e. viz and to whit: the creation of the Peoples Republic of the Greater Palereanbeyan Conurbation. Yes, folks, despite the Herculean efforts of our champion State member, Seve Bolero, to defend our independence we are sliding like Jonah into the gaping maw of the Queanbeyan whale. At least we'll have three golf courses. And continuing stability is assured because Premier Beard has appointed Queanbeyan supremo, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, to run the show (much like a feudal baron) until new Council elections next year. And you thought an eight-week federal election campaign too long and boring!

Fine Wine

The Googly Ball went to Pete Harrison who will forever remain the Mayor of the former Palerang Shire—and thus entitled to the dole, horse-drawn transport and meals-on-wheels for life. The Dummy Spit was awarded to those councillors who refused to accept with becoming grace the treachery of the Sydney silvertails. Nearest the pin and longest drive were both won by Mr Working Trousers for (a) scoring the top job and (b) agreeing to drive all the way to Braidwood for Council meetings.

Councils come and Councils go but golf goes on forever. Join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start on Sunday 3 July for the traditional EOFY shemozzle when sponsors Keith France and Kathy Handel (a name which opens many doors) will insist we add 10% to our handicaps to celebrate the glorious GST anniversary. Meanwhile, a local psychiatrist, Sigmund Shakespeare, has recommended we should stiffen our sinews, summon up the blood and disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage. Or maybe just suck it up and do our best to load the Queanbeyan Council next year.

Larry King, golfer and potential branch stacker.

14-04-2017