Wamboin Community Association

Wamboin Golf Report Archive

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2022

November Competition Results

Sunday, 6 November. The day of the Wamboin Open, when golfers from around the world gather in Dingley Dell for one of international golf’s marquee events. It was a fine day but a heavy track, like the Melbourne Cup. Did your horse win? Mine didn’t, as usual. Your correspondent, strange as it may seem, knows little about “the sport of kings”. For example, I thought that a gay water house was a steam bath in Woolloomooloo. However, a fine Melbourne Cup lunch was had with friends as we tucked into baked brown and rainbow trout caught just days before on Lake Eucumbene (a story in itself). The Open also features a handicap division for us hackers, so we don’t feel left out. The day is sponsored by the Club so the prizes—cars, trips to Paris, sheep stations—are much coveted, as is the feast at the 19th, prepared by Joan Mason with the dubious assistance of Robert Gorham (ML did all the work).

All Dressed Up

Back in the club house, as the captain did the sums, we scoped the world around us. The UK’s house of parliament is without a roof truss but has a new Acrow prop in the form of its first “immigrant family” PM (no, Boris isn’t Russian). We canvassed the epidemic of hacking, the personal and environmental tragedy of the floods for which everybody has a solution, Senator Lidia Thorpe’s new boy friend (should have gone to eHarmony), the BOM’s new name (spoiler alert, it’s BOM—hard to believe someone was paid over 100 large for that), the budget (yawn), the independent COVID Report (could have been handled better), sponsorship of sport and the arts (companies that pay little or no tax are now saving even more money), the escape of the lion cubs (we took one home with us), Cop 27 (we never did find out who Cop 26 was, did we?) and Pooty declaring martial law in Donbas. What that war needs is a treacherous propagandist, like Tokyo Rose and Lord Haw Haw in WW2. What about “Olga from the Volga” warning us of the impending rain of “dirty” bombs—as opposed to those lovely clean bombs, which let us know they’re coming and then explode harmlessly in the fields.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called us to order by rapping on the table. (He’s a better rapper than R Kelly.) Ted’s joke referenced a 30th anniversary. The googly ball went to David Bailey for chivalrously and bravely allowing himself to be struck by Vicki Still’s ball, thus enabling it to land near the pin. The dummy spit award was passed around the usual suspects before settling on Tim Barter for accusing Keith France of not mowing his rocks low enough. Inexplicably, your correspondent received the encouragement award. Why would I need any encouragement? LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart 3, Glen Crafter 2, Paul Griffin, Rob Gorham, Vicki Still and Tim Barter.

Prize getters in the 2022 Wamboin Open are as follows: winner of the nine hole Eclectic Robert Thompson; winner of the 18 hole Eclectic Tim Barter; winner of the nine hole Handicap division was Robert Gorham from Gerard Ryan 2nd and Steve Lambert 3rd; winner of the 18 hole handicap division was the slightly injured David Bailey from Paul Griffin 2nd and Colin Urquhart 3rd.

A hush then settled on the crowd as, outside, the rumble of distant thunder eerily sounded a drum roll. The captain struck a dramatic pose – like Hamlet holding up Yorick’s skull - before revealing the names of the 2022 Open Champions. They are: Men’s 18 holes Glen Crafter; Women’s 18 holes Vicki Still; Men’s nine holes Ken Gordon; Women’s nine holes Deb Gordon. We commend our worthy victors and all contestants!

Next month we vie for the cornucopia of the Christmas Cup. Join us and our special guests, Holly and Ivy, at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 December for the ever trustworthy 12.30pm start. Meanwhile do your best to stay out of the potholes.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

Sunday, 2 October. Oktoberfest in Wamboin. You should have seen all the steins. There was Silverstein, Goldstein, Einstein, Frankenstein and Rick Stein, to name a few. Your correspondent had a small misunderstanding with the bar fraulien. I said “eines stein, bitte.” She said “I don’t care who you are and we only serve pilsener. How many do you want?.” I wondered what part of Germany she didn’t come from. The highlight of the Fest was the golf competition, sponsored by Herr Matt Hawke and his bruder Zac, whom we thank for the preise und lebensmittel. The comp was to be settled by stroke adjusted for handicap. So, full of source water (see below), joie de vivre and all that, we hit the course, flourishing our steins.

Short 'n Sweet'

Back in the marquee we observed that it was all happening. For starters, yesterday was the UN International Day of Older Persons. You won’t find any here in Wamboin. We all drink regularly from the secret source of the Yass River which, as you know, confers the gift of eternal youth on all those who imbibe. The US has succeeded in forming a comprehensive Pacific Partnership. Even Mr Sogavare of the Solemn Islands signed on – although old Soggy wears the mask of Janus. And there’s sexual harassment in Antarctica. Where’s the Morality Police when you need them?

Did we watch the funeral? Of course we did. Almost as good as the G & L Mardigras and more exciting than the AFL grand final which was over in the first quarter. As the camera dollied in on the coffin, we thought the card in the floral display said ‘Flowers by Bronnie of Karabar’. Turns out it was HM’s dutiful, loving son who sensitively signed it ‘Charles R’. Take that, Mummy! There’s no room for sentiment once you’re the King.

But forget the funeral; the big news was the hacking of Optus. The company quickly asserted (without proof) that it was done by sophisticated ‘bad actors’. I immediately thought of Home and Away and Days of Our Lives. Then the Minister for Home Affairs tore strips off them for incompetence and brought in the AFP and the ASD. In the interim, the commerce of the country has been thrown into turmoil. Fingers out, Optus! The turkey shoot can come later.

Donkey of Finn

Word is that our ‘shire reeves’, Rick Remington and the Hole-in-the-Road Gang, have sensibly voted down the crazy scheme to re-zone pockets of Wamboin and Bywong—thus avoiding a patchwork quilt of different and confusing zones. Well done guys. Even NSW Land & Environment thought it was a dumb idea when first advanced by the Working Trousers Mob. We gasped at the breakthrough in micro surgery by NASA. They’ve managed to hit a hemorrhoid with a small unmanned space craft to see if it can be done to protect us from larger objects in the future. Beats Lord’s Procedure to death. What’ll they think of next?

Putin’s war isn’t going well; he’s called in reluctant conscripts (“Please, Mr Custer, I don’t want to go!”) to see if amateurs can stiffen up the regulars; he warmed us up with a bogus referendum” (voting on Friday, results on Thursday, as someone said) to the notion that he’ll accept the annexation of the Donbas region as a “win; if we don’t agree he’ll play the Big N card; Ukraine, and the Free West will not accept this for all the obvious reasons. Stalemate. There is evidence of unrest in Russia but the peasants are not revolting. Yet. (The Czar, and even Lenin, reckoned the peasants were always revolting.)

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order and introduced our guests, Des and Amelie Cartes. Des is something of a philosopher: he thinks, therefore he is. Lofty Mason reminded us that today marked the 37th anniversary of golf in Wamboin. We welcomed back into the fold the two Miners, Steve and Taylor. Courtesy of a high protein diet, Taylor is no longer the Mini Miner. The captain recited Ted’s Joke after a riddle from Robert Thompson. Keith France told us how Nev Schroder ”fluked” a par at the Hall assisted by several obstacles. Nev got the googly ball and Keith got the dummy spit for general whingeing, including that his name wasn’t on the honour board. The encouragement award went to Zac Hawke whose dodgy shoulder prevented him from playing. LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart 3, Gerard Ryan, Steve Miners, Tim Barter, Taylor Miners and Nev Schroder.

Ken & Matt

The junior nine hole event was again taken out by seven-years-old Robert Thompson 52/32. Senior nine hole winner was Gerard Ryan 39/31 from Ken Gordon 37/33. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 76/68 from Glen Crafter 74/70. The meeting then descended into chaos as a group of radical feminists lead by Ms J Mason moved that Club rules be changed to afford gender equality in access to LD and NTP prizes. She was rewarded with the dummy which was then transferred to your correspondent who agreed to review the matter and submit a report “in the fullness of time” e.g. when Australian Chess Federation competitions become gender neutral.

Next month will be November when we stage the annual Wamboin Open. Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 6 November at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, Mrs Correspondent has suggested I apologise for the hemorrhoid reference, above. She says I should grow up. But where would be the fun in that?

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

Sunday, 4 September. It was good to see Salman Rushdie survived the attack with his voice and spirit intact. Your correspondent met the great author in a restaurant at Notting Hill Gate in London in 1999. Our conversation was brief but respectful as you would expect between two writers. My work has been compared to Mr Rushdie’s. Not favourably, sad to say. However, golf is a great palliative. Thus, to protect ourselves from the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, as old Will so aptly put, we saddled up for the annual Wamboin Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason, whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments, starring Joan’s internationally-acclaimed spring rolls.

Sky High

Lofty declared the day’s play to be a ‘Par Event’ which is characterized by a Byzantine scoring system your correspondent won’t burden you by explaining. So, kicking aside the wooly lambs gambling in the fields (with their Bet With Mates apps) we took to the lanes and by ways of this veritable Arcadia, singing English folksongs arranged by Ralph Vaughan Williams, the 150th anniversary of whose birth we celebrate this year.

Back in Bingley Dell, as the captain worked the steam-driven computer, all the talk was of ScoMo slyly sliding into multiple ministries during the pandemic. Your correspondent’s grandma says “So what?” She remembers 1972 when the ALP won a general election after 23 years in the wilderness. Party leader, Gough Whitlam, had his CPF and GG, John Kerr, swear both him and Lance Barnard into all the ministries (about 400) pending the Caucus decision on whom he could really appoint. The big difference was that Gough told everyone what he was going to do. It was perfectly legal, as the current Solicitor-General has attested in Scome’s case. So far, no damage was done, other than to the footling reputations of Morrison and those of his Coalition colleagues who were too quick to put in the boot. I say “so far”, because we don’t know if good old Scomes didn’t take the opportunity to be appointed to other ‘ministries’, such as the Grand Poobah of Hillsong, the Subdeacon of Sutherland, the Canon of Cronulla, the Dalai of Lama, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Pope. Only time will tell.

Weepers

We all gasped in amazement at the news that scientists are attempting to reintroduce the Thylacine to Australia. Efforts to clone the species from genetic material held in museums comes straight out of Jurassic Park. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if one day the extinct animal was again seen roaming the Tasmanian wilderness in such numbers that hunting could be reinstated. Apparently someone with a scarf on his head has accused Liberal Senator Jacinta Price of racism for suggesting that a treaty, like Wanganui, with the first people is a higher priority than the Voice—whatever that turns out to be. Maybe the scarf hides the Alfoil cap.

We shrugged a shoulder or two at Elbow’s announcement of a Robocop Royal Commission. No doubt it’s better than having the nitwits who devised and ran that cruel joke do the usual self-serving ‘internal review’. But isn’t he missing the bigger picture? The idea is basically sound: having IT/AI speed up the pursuit of people ripping off the good old tax payer. So why not make it work better without the collateral damage? Put some effort into giving the humans at Centrelink access to accurate data on pensioners and unemployed youth hiding excess additional income before sending the robot to their door demanding repayment of excess benefits. Either they fork out on the spot or up come the machine guns, just like in the Robocop movies. The word would quickly spread.

Victoria is the latest state to have legislated the concept of ‘affirmative consent’ before sex. A good try but enormously confusing. Both words mean the same thing. To save you the trouble, I’ve looked them up: Consent, v. to give assent or permission; Affirmative, adj. giving assent or approval. Lawyers and others will struggle over the meaning of ‘consenting consent’—as opposed to ‘non consenting consent’ or variations thereof. But that’s not government’s problem. At least they’ve been seen to be doing something. It’s like holding a jobs summit when there’s more vacancies than we can fill (if you don’t count imported slave labour to pick fruit). It’s about industrial relations, really. It looks like the ACTU has got agreement on watering down enterprise bargaining with support from the Business Council. It puts trade unions back in the game—for good or ill. Be on the lookout for those ghosts of IR past, ‘secondary boycotts’ and ‘comparative wage justice’.

Winners & Grinners
Emma & Ken

The captain called for order and introduced our visitors, Archie and Miriam Pelago. Young Robert Thompson treated us to a riddle. Ted’s Joke, featuring Jack Nicklaus, was read o.b.o Colin Prest who was absent on sick leave. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for losing her drive, playing a ‘provisional’ five strokes to the green, where she found her first ball. Col Urquhart scored the dummy spit for complaining that none of his nine birdies counted in a Par Event. The encouragement award went to wee Emma Crafter for playing 18 holes, instead of the two she really wanted to play. Glen & Joan

LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 3, Glen Crafter 2, Vicki Still 2, and Deb Gordon. The junior nine hole comp was won by Robert Thompson with a score of minus 3.The senior nine hole comp winner was Ken Gordon +2 from Rob Gorham, minus 1. The senior 18 hole comp victor, and winner of the coveted Spring Trophy, was Glen Crafter +4 from Vicki Still +3. Well played, all golfers!

Next month is Oktober which means Oktoberfest when we play for the Silver Stein. Don your leather shorts and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 Oktober for the 12.30pm piercing of the keg. Meanwhile, think about all those techos at NASA gnashing their teeth while Artemis 1 sits idly on the launch pad, leaking propellant. Come on, guys, fix the problem! It’s not rocket science. Well, it is but you know what I mean. It’s not brain surgery or learning to score a Par Event.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Sunday, 7 August. A pleasant pre Spring afternoon following the torrential rainfall of Friday and Saturday. Your correspondent’s rain gauge collected 89 mm as the drive disappeared down Bingley Way. Nevertheless, the greens committee declared the course playable so a stroke event went ahead. It was sponsored by those stalwarts of the skilled trades, Trent Able (electrons), Don Evans (H2O molecules) and Col Prest (self-propulsion) whom we thank for the prizes and the refreshments, in particular Trent’s throat-searing laksa, no doubt a warm up for Curry Night. Donning gum boots, players squelched out onto the course, wondering if La Nina (with that funny thing over the ‘n’) would ever cease. Rubber Ducky

Back in our warm and dry Hall, as the captain did the tally, we reviewed our world. ‘No one is indispensible’ said Boris as his Tory pals dispensed with him. This started us thinking. It was De Gaulle who is supposed to have said ‘the graveyards are full of indispensible men’. Either the indispensible women are still alive and kicking or, in his old-fashioned, chauvinist, Gallic way, he didn’t think there were any. The interesting language of the original Acts Interpretation Act 1901 said “man embraces woman”. The Parliamentary Draughtsman (here we go again) may or may not have had a sense of humour. I blame Thomas Jefferson, who drafted the American Declaration of Independence more or less single-handed, when he stated that ‘all men are created equal’. He left women out while slaves of both sexes didn’t get a look-in. Mysteriously, a woman makes an appearance early in the Declaration’s second paragraph: “Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes;” History does not record who Prue was or the limits of her dictatorial role. Perhaps she was employed as chatelaine on Jefferson’s plantation in Virginia. Those days are over, of course. Women have long been restored to their position of power in the direction, management and rewards of human affairs so we can now concentrate on the planet’s principal challenges i.e. the regulation of global surface temperature, carbon in the oceans and CO2 in the atmosphere. We can then turn our attention to the principal cause of those problems, viz: the carrying capacity of the planet (population). If we can get that right before bellicose dim wits blow us to smithereens we’re home free. Sadly, the rise to prominence of the intellectually challenged seems to be exceeding that of “philosopher princes” as my old chum Plato would put it. And, courtesy of the Roe v Wade reversal, that trend is destined to continue.

Watergate

A man with seemingly no respect for the planet’s carrying capacity, NSW boss cocky, Parrot A, appears to be trapped in the orbit of former Deputy Premier, John Barrelo (Porky to his friends). Was he or was he not in on the move to give John the New York gig? We don’t know but, as a Monaro voter, I can’t see a problem. He was an effective local member, judged by the funds he was able to inject into the region for worthy projects.

So, Elbow hit the ground running. That is, when he actually hit the ground. The first two months were spent jetting around the world. Back home now, he and Prince Chalmers are choking on that nauseous sandwich called the economy. Having skin in the game, we all wish him well. But he’s made two odd decisions so far. First he canned the ABCC (not to be confused with the ABC which he can’t get rid of otherwise there’d be nowhere to put the hidden unemployed). Then he allowed grog back into NT Aboriginal townships without consulting the Aunties who wield substantial influence in those communities.

The ABCC has been striving valiantly to maintain a civilised building industry. Don’t forget that Elbow got the head of the Vic branch of the CFMEU—a well-funded thuggish gang—ejected from the Labor Party when Bill Shorten wouldn’t do it. Watch your back, Elbow. Bill’s form for loyalty is not good.

Meantime, Elbow’s getting pats on the head for announcing a referendum on the Voice. But whose voice, if not the Aunties? (Hands up if you thought The Voice was a TV show.) Malcontents in the Middle East must have been furious that their patch—devoid of allure if you don’t count the oil—had been momentarily pushed out of the headlines by the war in Ukraine and the posturing of China. Understandably, the PRC is upset by the “finger pointing” about their peaceful aerial displays over Taiwan to celebrate Nancy Pelosi’s visit. One has to agree, especially when you see our Foreign Minister, Penny Wong, getting around with her arm in a sling in a futile attempt to hide the loaded finger.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order and introduced our visitors, Bill and Priya O’Wheeler and their daughters. He thanked our sponsors, three fine, upstanding skilled tradespersons. He shared Ted’s Joke featuring cars and golf (an explosive mixture for Tiger). Deb Gordon got the googly ball for a clever stroke which simultaneously propelled and washed her ball in the creek at Lamberts (I think). The dummy spit was shared by Col Urquhart and David Thompson. Col lost his 6 iron (you might remember he previously lost a 5 iron). David, in a fit of pique, threw his club and was dobbed in by his son. Poor old Nick Curious gets fined for that sort of behaviour. There were no LD/NTP prizes due to the state of the course.

Tim & Col

The junior comp was again won by Robert Thompson, fresh from winning a junior players comp in Queensland, with 50 off the stick for handicap-adjusted score of 28. The senior nine hole comp winner was Robert Gorham 40/31 from Ken Gordon 39/35 OCB from David Thompson 53/35. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 70/60 from Colin Urquhart 89/62 and Neville Schroder OCB 77/66. Well done, guys. Those waders came in handy.

Next month is Spring, when we hold the famous Spring Trophy (yes, it’s a real spring from someone’s bed). We hope you can join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 September for the usual 12.30pm scatter gun start. Bring an appetite for Joan’s spring rolls. Meanwhile, spare a thought for our Bungendore friends who were busily sand-bagging their properties as 100mm or thereabouts from Friday’s deluge gushed down Gibraltar Street like a torrent down its bed, as my close buddy, A B Patterson, put it. Finally, vale Dave Argaet, stone mason and musician. “Si monumentum requiris circumspice”, especially at the corner of Norton and Sutton Roads.

Larry King, sometime golfer.

July Competition Results

Sunday, 3 July. It had to happen. Despite our healthy diet and Pilates-driven lifestyle the plague came to Wamboin with a vengeance in June. It struck at the 19th hole and was carried into the fire brigade AGM the following Tuesday. To protect his privacy I’m unable to reveal the name of the suspected super-spreader. For the avoidance of doubt I’ll repeat that I am not able to reveal his name for privacy reasons. He’s no longer a regular golfer but attends the 19th when he is able. Before joining us at the Hall he spent the afternoon reforming his kitchen counter.

That reminds me of the Counter Reformation, set in train by the Council of Trent 1545 - 1563 in response to the Protestant Reformation begun by Martin Luther. I pass this on for what it’s worth. So, there was your correspondent trying to tap out this month’s golf report and getting nowhere until an old mate who works for CIT in Canberra put me onto a top notch complexity and systems thinker who said he could coach and mentor me through the process of developing improved situational awareness and generalised and context-specific responses. He reckoned that before long I’d be able to detect early/weak signals and build trends to improve products and services and establish and self-sustain practices that allow for iterative learning cycles across a range of temporal and spatial scales.

Now, I’m not saying that’s two tonnes of horse manure in a one tonne bag. All I’m saying is that it sounds like two tonnes of horse manure in a one tonne bag. It makes the Stableford system of golf scoring look simple and straightforward.

Pine Slice

And on the subject of golf, this month’s comp commemorates the anniversary of the GST by adding 10% to your handicap and giving it to ATO who gives it to Elbow who gives it to AEMO who gives it to the generators who trouser it just for doing what we pay them to do anyway. The day, cold and windy, was sponsored by Judith Evans, Kathy Handel and Keith France whom we thank for the provender and the rewards. Play in both the nine and 18 hole divisions was to be decided by a 2-ball Ambrose.

Back in the think tank, as the a/g captain and his complexity thinker fought the algorithm that made sense of our score cards, the talk was all of the US Supreme Court’s quashing of Roe v Wade. The ladies (bless’em) were particularly vocal. I asked the Club President how I should cover it in my report. He said that as it affected Associate Members only, we should leave it alone. Hmmm.

Moving along, prominent Russian politicians have sometimes adopted noms de guerre or aliases. It started with Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, aka Lenin. Then came Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, aka Stalin. And now we’ve got Vladimir Sonovabich Putin, aka Peter the Great—at least in his own estimation. He’s comparing his “special military operation” in Ukraine to Peter’s nicking parts of Sweden. Peter wasn’t such a nice guy either; he had more serfs than Stephanie Gilmore, Mick Fanning and Kelly Slater combined. Meanwhile the war creeps on apace, as my old mate Will would say. Neither Putin nor Zelensky can stop now, absent force majeure from within. Russia will scrabble out some kind of a win unless the West stumps up with some serious weaponry. Even then, the Russkies know how to put up a fight: play the 1812 Overture as you google Stalingrad.

Australian energy Czar, Chris Bowen, has announced a new mechanism for the AEM, i.e. what the AEMO looks after. It’s got something to do with keeping fossil generating capacity up the sleeve pending renewables taking up the national load. (Wasn’t that what we were supposed to be doing already?) The details don’t matter because it doesn’t really click in until 2025, by which time we’ll have a brand new fast-breeder reactor at Woodlawn. No more bad smell and you’ll be able to find your kids in the dark. The Greens have announced they’re opposed to it. They’ve also said they’ll oppose the government’s plan to cut emissions by 43% by 2030. They appear to your correspondent to have made no intellectual progress since they voted with Labour in the Senate ten years ago to kill the Abbott government’s bill to introduce an ETS, which looked very much like the ETS the Rudd government wanted to bring in but couldn’t because the were baulked by the Turnbull Opposition in the Senate with the help of the Greens. Our Parliament at work. It brings a lump to the throat.

Damp Course

Trans women in sport are still a public issue. FINA has banned post-pubescent trannies in the interest of fairness. Your correspondent, who is approaching early middle age, well-remembers the 1980 Moscow Olympics when spectacularly-muscled Russian ladies excelled at athletics, particularly the shot put, javelin and discuss.

We expressed dismay at the release from prison of the trigger-happy Minneapolis policeman who shot and killed Australian-American Justine Damond in 2017. Even our Comancheros don’t shoot innocent bystanders. We agreed he was a loose cannon or incompetent. Maybe he’s both, just like that member of a degenerate underclass they elected as President in 2016. And the nitwit might get back in next time. I worry about America’s qualifications to continue to lead the free world. But who else is there? The UK is in the hands of an unkempt party animal. In France M. Macron has only a tenuous hold on the legislature despite a strong endorsement as President. Angela is no longer uber alles in Germany. Maybe all parliamentary democracies should formally join NATO.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order, thanked the sponsors and welcomed our guest, Iain Barter. Ted’s joke recalled a strange restaurant. Your correspondent got the googly ball and dummy spit for drawing attention to the annoying effects of Keith France’s hi-viz beanie. The dummy was quickly flick-passed to Glen Crafter for disputing an NTP ball prize.

Winners

It was still too cold for juniors. LD and NTP ball winners were Glen Crafter 2 (the positive result of whingeing), Rob Gorham, Ken Gordon, Larry King and Colin Urquhart. The winners of the nine hole comp were the team of Rob Gorham and Larry King with a score of 28.35 after paying the BAS, from 41 strokes. 2nd were Joan Mason/Deb Gordon/Ken Gordon 29.22/36 from 3rd placegetters Sam Urquhart/ Keith France 36.4/43. In the 18 hole comp the winning team was Tim and Iain Barter 62.03 from 70 off the stick. In 2nd place were Pete Harrison and Paul Griffin 67.35/80 from Colin Urquhart and Glen Crafter 70.45/82. Well done all, for braving the elements.

Next month belongs to Caesar Augustus. Join us at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 August to enable play to start at 12.30pm sharp. Meanwhile, June has been a month of long sentences. Gizlane got 20 years, N Kelly got 30, and that ISIS Paris bomber got life. Still, the longest sentence of them all goes to “Ulysses”, the novel by James “Barnaby” Joyce, which celebrates its centenary this year. Molly Bloom’s soliloquy goes for 45 pages and the only punctuation is the full stop at the end!

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Sunday, 5 June. When it comes to governance your correspondent is a pluralist: he favours a contest of ideas between more than one party for the right to govern. You don’t get that in one-party states such as the PRC and Putinesque Russia. However, when I say plural I mean two: the traditional political opponents; capital and labour. When you shake out the rats and mice that’s what it should come down to. Consequently I am underwhelmed by the trend, which I hope has reached its apogee in the latest federal election, for minor parties and independents to attract more than their usual shallow and ephemeral attention. For instance, One Nation, the Jacqui Lambie Network and UAP are no more than occupational therapy for their founders. They will fade with time but not before providing colour and controversy during election campaigns and in the parliament. The Teals are a “stuff you “to the Liberal Party who, under the guidance of their former marketing genius, have ignored women, climate and probity. And then there’s the Greens. Your correspondent might have to start taking them seriously, damn and blast it! With possibly three or more in the House and 12 in the Senate (at time of writing) they will be even more demanding than usual – unless the big mobs can get it together (a vain hope). There are a few others enjoying their >15 minutes of oblivion at the expense of the ATP but, frankly, their names escape me. I suppose the Teals will return to the fold under the new benign and user-friendly Liberal leader. If the Greens could go back to being the ratbag end of the ALP we might return to those halcyon days of stable-ish government. It’s a pipe dream, of course. As the size of the “other” vote shows, the world has changed but capital and labour haven’t. They’re still focussed mainly on the self-absorbed class war of the 19th century, leaving holes for the crazy gang to creep in. Hence, the legislative/executive paralysis on important issues such as women, climate and probity.

Lambert's Leap

There is, as you know, an antidote to all this: golf. We gathered in a post election stupor to contest the June Dally-Watkins Pennant sponsored by the Urquhart/Crafter Network whom we thank for the rewards and sustenance. The day was as cold and cheerless as a US Republican’s heart. But it didn’t deter us. We’re tough out here. We’ve even become used to driving along Norton Hole. (It used to be an arterial road.)

Back in the tally room, as the a/g captain and birthday boy, Mr Gordon Gordon, tallied the score cards, we drank a toast to the new Labor government and wished them well. More power to your elbow, Elbow. We noted the PRC’s diplomacy offensive in the South Pacific in the light of their pacification of the Solemn Islands. (I mean, who cares? As far as I know the Solemns haven’t ever produced a decent rugby team.) And I’ll bet the Teals were chuffed to see all the SP blokes wearing dresses. Let’s acknowledge that the PRC has every right to cuddle up to our SP buddies as long as they don’t do it better than we do. Which it looks like at the moment; the Islanders are as good as any at sniffing out “iffy” deals such as infrastructure “loans” and “help” with policing. Presumably PRC negotiators will get better. It will be interesting to see how DFAT responds—if it can get out of bed in time.

Water Hazard

They’ve been voting in the Philippines, too. The Marijuana Party, under their spaced-out leader Two Bongs Marcos, have scooped the pool. It’ll be a great place to holiday again, provided the latest COVID variant, Monkey Pox, doesn’t lock us down again.

We briefly considered the energy crisis and most reported feeling its effects, some even lacked the energy to get out of bed. All the blokes congratulated Johnny Depp on his well-deserved win in court. All the ladies (bless ’em) felt that Amber had a raw deal. Who is correct? (This is a trick question. The trick is not to answer it.) We noted that to mark HM’s jubilee, the new PM has renamed Aspen Island “QE2”in honour of a floating hotel in Dubai. Maybe Elbow didn’t read the brief again.

Winners & Grinners

Rob Gorham, standing in for the a/g captain, called for order and thanked all those who had provided a feast big enough to obviate dinner. Ted’s Joke was about a remarkably supportive wife. The googly ball went to Col Urquhart, a survivor of the Great Wamboin Chainsaw Massacre. Your correspondent was again falsely accused of expectorating the pacifier by merely asking a question of procedure.

Caring parents felt it was too cold for kids so there were no juniors or encouragement awards. NTP and LD ball winners were Deb Gordon, Pete Harrison and Glen Crafter. The winner of the nine hole comp was Ken Gordon with 34 off the stick for a score of 30 after adjustment for handicap. Runner-up was Joan Mason 45/33 from Rob Gorham 43/34. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/63 from Vicki Still 91/67 and Tim Barter 80/71. We congratulate our staunch golfers who braved freezing temperatures after adjustment for wind chill.

Next month is July or SOFY, as accountants refer to it. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start of the GST Anniversary Medallion. Bring a calculator. Which reminds me, did you sit up for the final of the Eurovision Song Contest? We were all entranced by the performance of Australia’s representative in Turin, dressed appropriately in a shroud. A shame he didn’t score well. Next time we should send a genuine First Peoples group, like the Sapphires.

Larry King, fine weather golfer.

May Competition Results

Sunday, 1 May. Still in their bucolic finery after dancing around the Maypole, the golfers of the region took to the course to contest the Merrie Month of May Medal. Your correspondent couldn’t make it. He was returning from Russia having failed to gain an interview with Pooty. I did have a minute or two with his media spokesman, Dimitri Peski (and he is, too) who told me that Vlad was kicking the chairs around over the time the invasion was taking; Vlad was going to raise the stakes and this time there would be no more Mr Nice Guy. It seemed a good time to leave, particularly after his security guys confiscated the South American Bushmasters I’d brought with me as a present from Australia.

Up the Creek

In Wamboin it was a beautiful Autumn day for the comp, which was sponsored by those intrepid sailors and airmen, Tim Barter and Paul Griffin, under the orders of Chief of the General Staff, Vicki Still. Play was to be determined by the Stableford scoring system. And so, singing snatches and lays apposite to the season, the players took to the field with their usual grim, competitive intent.

Back in our leaf-strewn bower, while the acting captain struggled with the score cards, the talk was, of course, all of politics. We are extremely politically aware here in Wamboin. We know, for instance, when you cancel out all the minor contestants, the fight in Eden-Monaro comes down to the two main political outfits: the Social Capitalists and the Capital Socialists. Their representatives and campaign slogans are, respectively, Ms McBain-Marie, “Keeping it Warm” and Mr Knuckles, “He’s a Knockout”. (In fact he was TKO’d in round 3 by the virus).

Around the rest of the country the campaign has become very colourful. There are, as usual, the Reds (the workers’ flag), the Blues (the monarch’s blood), the Green & Golds (pasture and mining) and the Yellows of Clive Palmer’s UAP (Unhealthily Adipose Party). We can’t forget the Watermelons (yes, it’s a colour) lead by the dogmatic Adamant Bandit and his brother, One Arm, whose gambling instincts must be responsible for policies like punting that Carbon Zero by 2030 at all costs won’t have any effect on regional Australia.

Then there are the Teals, people who might be Liberal if the Libs would rattle their dags over climate change and a federal ICAC. They include the poultry princess in Warringah who did us a favour by ousting the head of the monastery in the joust of 2019. It’s still hard to see him as a Rhodes Scholar. I guess it depends on how you spell Rhodes: the scholarship could have been conferred by the Civil Engineering Contractors Association. This time Scomes has picked Katherine Devious to wrest the seat back for Big Blue (not IBM). She has taken a bead on Trans women in sport. If her thesis is based on weight-for-age considerations she has your correspondent’s support. I felt sorry for Hannah Mouncey but believe the AFL took the right decision for the safety of her potential opponents.

In that context, we all felt blessed that our children haven’t had to rely on the NDIS to overcome sporting injuries. In the ACT it’s good to see that Helena Rubinstein is alive and kicking and throwing her hat in the ring for the Senate. She’ll bring a much needed cosmetic bling. Maybe Max Factor will get up and give it a go.

Discussion turned to China’s bloodless annexation of the Solemn Islands. I agree with Elbow: we should have been on the front foot early, say, by sending in Circus Oz to make them less solemn and susceptible to PRC blandishments. Was DFAT asleep at the wheel again? It wouldn’t have happened in Atlee Hunt’s day—and I defy anyone to fault the logic in that!

Winners & Grinners
Clint & Keith

The a/g captain called for order and thanked our sponsors. Ted’s Joke was about two Irish pigs. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for something to do with 19th hole FLAs. The dummy spit was awarded to Sam Urquhart for audibly lamenting her expectations of little support sponsoring the June golf day. The encouragement award went to Emma Crafter. LD and NTP ball winners were Dave Hubbard 3 (where’s ASADA?), John Whitney 2, and one each for Vicki Still, Ken Gordon, Colin Urquhart and Glen Crafter.

The nine hole comp was won by Ken Gordon with 21 Stableford points off 35 strokes from Joan Mason 9/54. The 18 hole comp was taken out, or “stolen”, by Clint Pickin 44/84 from Rob Gorham 41/82. Naturally, after that performance Mr Pickin received the Ned Kelly statuette but, because he is not a Wamboin resident, it was passed to Mr Hubbard (a familial connection) for mounting on the gatepost of its spiritual home.

Next month will mark the beginning of the end of the first half of the year. With that important occasion in mind, please join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 June for the standard 12.30pm start of the June Carter Cash Pennant. Meanwhile, for those interested in the policies the Deadly Serious Party is taking to the election, here’s a teaser: under Aged Care we plan to build a Seniors Rest Home in Bungendore on the vacant block next to St Philip’s and—wait for it—connected by a tunnel under Gibraltar St to the Royal Hotel! For the party’s full platform go to deadlyseriousparty.org.au/blahblahblah.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 3 April. The unpleasant surprises abound. Firstly, Raskolnikov has abandoned your correspondent in Ukraine. The rascal nicked off and I’ve had to cancel the trip to Russia to interview Our Vlad (curse him) now that he’s banned citizens of sanctioning countries. Then, there’s the B2 version of Omicron which, as predicted, is spreading like a northern rivers flood. (Why they’ve named it after a banana in pajamas eludes me.) And, of course, there’s petrol. Filled up the car lately? An irritated customer filling up in Queanbeyan was heard to complain that the only thing missing was the highway. The cashier didn’t get it. Or maybe he’d heard it too often. Any way it’s not his fault. Nor is it entirely the fault of Mad Vlad’s war, for that matter. The principal cause is the damage done by the plague to international transport systems, especially shipping. And the propensities of OPEC members and oil companies to never let a chance go by. This is why prices rose even before the more expensive Brent and West Texas crude hit the refineries. You have to admire the efficiency and altruism of a well-run cartel. It makes you proud to be a consumer.

Ramp

But there’s no point being bitter about the cost of living while there’s golf to soothe the troubled mind. I thought wistfully of the gathering in my native land for the Wamboin Mini Masters sponsored by the Community Association. You know the drill: we play the Bingley Way holes twice, pausing after the first round to see who made the cut, then out again to determine the winners of the open and handicap divisions and play the novelty shots (see pix). What japes!

Back In the bomb shelter, as the acting captain jostled with the leader board, it was obvious that more attention had been paid to the federal budget than normal, in view of the imminence of the general election. Fortunately, our sympathetic federal treasurer, Rogan Josh, has our backs on the cost of fuel. He’s convinced his clutch-fisted colleagues to cover the oil companies grab for six months while the international oil market settles down (we hope).

Sandbox

Oh, and the federal election is decided. That’s important, too. Have ScoMo’s gang been mortally wounded by their association with natural and unnatural disasters or will Elbow’s mob again take a bead on the foot and pull the trigger? It’s good to be spoilt for choice. Elbow’s cunning plan is to do what the new South Australian Premier, Peter Malinauskas, did: forget about pandemics, fires and floods; concentrate on a gripping local issue government has a chance of doing something about—in Elbow’s case, looking after the old folks.

The Coalition is doing the same by emphasizing the robust economy and high employment. The rhetoric is arcing up but not a word about the secret trial of an Australian journalist in China. That’s because of our own secret trial of an Australian lawyer in Canberra. With the state election a year away Parrot A, NSW boss cocky, is concentrating on the floods but dragging a leg on declaring war on the 30,000 wild horses despoiling the Snowy Mountains high country. If you haven’t seen it, catch it before it becomes an eroded wasteland.

Tyre

There should be general approval for the resurrection of Sir John Bradfield’s 1938 plan to build the Hell’s Gates dam in North Queensland. It would boost investment in agriculture which would become a major employer to replace coal mining as we desperately try to reduce CO2. Let’s hope the yet-to-be-undertaken environmental assessment has regard for any likely impact on the Murray Darling catchment. It shouldn’t, but we remember with asperity the affects of the Cubbie Station dams on the Murray Darling headwaters before they reach the poor old consumers of the southern states.

As for the war, the conventional wisdom is that it will eventually peter out. It’s clear the democracies of the West will not risk a donnybrook with Russia, nuclear or otherwise, by giving Ukraine what it really needs: tanks, cruise missiles, a no-fly zone and a battalion of Daleks. Thus, Russia’s numerically superior but poorly maintained troops, trucks and T 90s will probably grind out a win—whatever a win looks like—despite losing seven generals in the conflict. Seven!

Winners & Grinners

The acting captain called for order and introduced our guests, Anne and John Thracks. Mr Thracks caused a sensation by slapping the MC in the face for suggesting that his partner Anne’s perfume was Poison. He later apologised for the misunderstanding. Ted’s Joke starred a pining golfer marooned on a desert island. Lofty Mason got the googly ball for his battle with a length of fencing wire while mowing the fairways. The dummy spit was awarded to Clint Pickin for complaining that his right leg wouldn’t adjust to the ramp (some people!).

Scott&Ken

Novelty shot winners were: total Vicki Still 20.98 metres; ramp Scott Mason 2.37m; tyre Tim Barter 4.83m; bunker Vicki Still 4.05m. Junior master nett was Robert Thompson 80/51. Senior master nett was Clint Pickin 57/40 from Rob Gorham 54/41. Strike up the band for the Mini Master Tim Barter 44 OCB from runner-up Ken Gordon.

The après comp entertainment featured local band, Danny and the Velcrows, who also provided backing for Canberra’s newest close harmony trio, The Mean Girls (a Pussy Riot cover group) and warmed up the crowd for the main act, Clive and the Sweaty Palmers. Afterwards the crowd sang and danced the night away just like a marquee full of happy, carefree Hillsongers.

Join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 May for the 12.30pm start of the Merrie Month of May Medal. Communists may wear red.

Larry King, golfer

March Competition Results

Sunday, 6 March. A hillside above a Russian military base in Donetsk, or possibly Luhansk. It’s hard to tell. Our editor, SB-Y, has sent your correspondent here to fill in the gaps left by the daily media covering the ebb and flow of the struggle between plucky little Russia and their Ukrainian oppressors. My guide and interpreter, Raskolnikov, and I are covertly observing the ordinary Russian soldiers as they go about their peace-keeping. Through my binoculars I can see some smoking those black cigarettes and drinking coffee from samovars as they play chess. Others are reading books by Dostoyevsky, Chekhov and Tolstoy. One wagski is drawing a moustache on a pin-up of Catherine the Great on the latrine wall. Raskolnikov tells me that a T 72 commander was complaining that, before the troops were mobilized, he was slotted to win the women’s slalom at the Beijing Winter Olympics.

But, of course, it’s not like that at all. The grim reality is that at the orders of its sociopathic leader, the Russian military behemoth is killing thousands of Ukrainians and laying to waste their major cities. Desperate to find something positive to say, the experts suggest the Russian advance is slower than Putin thought—as if they know what Putin thinks. The worst is yet to come, I fear. If he’s undismayed by present civilian casualties, he won’t be worried by even higher civilian casualties. Ukraine is likely to be returned to the jigsaw puzzle of the old Soviet Union before the West’s economic sanctions, powerful as they are, cripple the Russian economy. Unless he’s rolled by others in the Kremlin. There is a rumour that he suffers from Parkinson’s. Those around him may see little value in expensively annexing a smoking ruin as his sprawling country of 143 million people—much bigger than Australia but with an economy of only equal size—is impoverished. Properly managed, Russia could become an economic power to rival the US and China.

Hole in One!

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, life goes on more or less as usual. In Wamboin it was the Mad March Medal that captured the general imagination. The event was sponsored by the Gordon family whom we thank for sustenance and rewards.

The day was fine. The track was good and dry underfoot. As usual, the groundskeepers had done such a fine job that the sponsors had no hesitation in declaring a Stableford competition.

Back in the clubhouse, as the acting captain did the tally, we marveled at the inundation of much of the eastern seaboard. We wondered what the future was for properties flooded for the third time in recent history. Then came the deaths by heart attack of Rod Marsh and Shane Warne (surely as iconic a bowler as Bradman a batsman). And still COVID and its variants weave their evil spell through the population.

With epidemics and pandemics on our minds for the last two and a bit years, it’s useful to remember that there are lots of other “demics” we should be aware of. Your correspomdent has included just a few for your edification. These are real words but you don’t have to look them up. I’ve done it for you.

Firstly there’s academic. That’s a widespread outbreak of pointy heads saying incomprehensible things in cheesy voices (e.g. the Au Gratin Institute). Isodemic: an outbreak of isosceles triangles. Watch out for the points. Polydemic: an outbreak of sulphur-crested cockatoos. Syndemic: an outbreak that’s not really an outbreak at all. Myxedemic: an outbreak of myxomatosis. Look out for your pet rabbit. Hyperdemic: an outbreak of people on “uppers”, or compulsive coffee drinkers.

While on the subject of epidemics, there’s been a widespread outbreak of voting in the idyllic QP region. First, the local council and lately the state seat of Monaro. And between now and May we’ll have to do it all over again at a federal election. Still, think how blessed we are to have the chance. And how none of us are poisoned or sent to gulags for our political views, no matter how silly or subversive they are.

Winners & Grinners

The a/g captain called for order and, after a long wait, received it. Ted’s Joke involved a one stroke penalty for an improved “lie” (5 strokes instead of 6). Vicki Still claimed the googly ball for cunningly bouncing her ball over two players putting out on the green ahead (but did she call “Fore!”?). Of the many dummy spitters, Glen Crafter stood out for loudly moaning about the reduction of his handicap.

Keith & Deb

No NTP or LD balls were awarded as the Eastern Nine conundrum has not yet been resolved. But it’s amazing how the Esky still gets there.

Winner of the nine hole comp was Joan Mason 43 strokes for 21 Stableford points from runners-up Lord and Lady Gordon. Victor in the 18 hole comp was Keith France 75/44 from David Bailey 93/42 and Glen Crafter 77/41. Well done, everyone, especially Keith who got a hole-in-one on Donkey of Finn and is thus entitled to a free beer at the 19th until someone else does similarly.

Next month is the Wamboin Mini Masters sponsored by the WCA. You don’t need a written invitation to join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 April for the 12.30pm shot gun start. (We don’t really use a shot gun; it’s a small muzzle loader).

Larry King, golfer

February Competition Results

Sunday, 6 February. As far as your correspondent can work it out, it goes like this. Somewhere in a small Balkan state partial to a bit of ethnic cleansing, top tennis star, Novak Jockitch, declares he won’t be vaccinated and promptly comes down with the virus. Undaunted, he goes to a few parties, attends a school (he’s repeating year 10) then flies off to Spain to prepare for the Australian Open. Like Raffa and others, he knows he can’t get into the country without the jab so he prevaricates while seeking a “medical exemption” from those slow tops at Tennis Australia. TA gets a couple of tame medical students to bodgie up a report citing “diminished responsibility” (i.e. he hasn’t passed year 10). Just to be on the safe side, TA gets the report peer-reviewed (probably Lord Lucan) and off it goes to the Jock and Dancing Dan, grand poobah of Victoria.

Meanwhile the Feds have written to Dan saying no jab, no Jock. We’re not sure what Dan did but we never are (he’s like Macavity, the Mystery Cat). Simultaneously, the Jock applies for a visa and—Madre de Dios!—gets it on the strength of the medical exemption and a lapse of memory concerning his whereabouts while infected. He lands in Melbourne whereupon the hawkish Immigration Minister cancels his visa and puts him in isolation. A Federal Court judge puts him back on the street saying “What more could this man have done?” Well, your honour, he could have abided by the Australian entry rules and not littered his application with deliberate ambiguities. However, that’s not the argument the Federal Court of Appeal used to confirm the re-cancellation of his visa. They said it could encourage anti vaxing in this country. It all seems to confound rational analysis, except to Novak’s faithful compatriots who have no other heroes to admire. Unless you include Slobodan Milosevic. This fustercluck has provided more cheap entertainment than the Open could ever hope to achieve.

Rob

However, let’s not be diverted from the real sport—golf. It was a cool and blustery day for the Wamboin February Dry-Out Medal, sponsored by the Schroder family whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. The sponsors selected a stroke-play comp so we gratefully put our calculators away as we mounted our iron horses to take on the professionally manicured course.

Back in the tent, masked and socially-distanced, we reviewed current affairs while the captain made sense of the score cards. O’Micron, the Irish variant, is wreaking such havoc on the Victorian health system that the government has declared a Code Brown. Code Brown! They must be absolutely terrified.

News from Beijing is that She Gin Sling has been heard singing The Hollies’ “Hey Carrie Lam, what’s your game now, can anybody play?” as he polishes his Jeep with the 27 microphones. Apparently Lam, the Hong Kong quisling, has done her boss’s dirty work by passing even more repressive legislation through the so–called Parliament of Patriots.

Hillsong’s Christians are not only clapping, they’re also singing and dancing which, in itself, isn’t a bad thing but not when banned by state anti plague regs. Boss cocky of NSW, Parrot A, has waggled a spongy finger at them and told them not to do it again.

An old mate in Brisbane caught the virus and was off-colour for three days. For the following three days he lost all sense of taste and smell. The upside was that he could happily consume the otherwise unpotable “vinegar” in his cellar. Always look for the silver lining.

The world holds its breath waiting for Pooty Pootin’ to send 100,000 heavily-armed social workers on a good will mission into Ukraine. It’s hard to know what further economic sanctions the West can employ. Europe and Scandinavia need Russian oil and gas and I honestly wouldn’t miss any more vodka and caviar.

In the home of the “Mother of Parliaments” an elected government is tearing itself apart over the number of knees-ups held in the leader’s digs. In the titular head of the West the Senate has kyboshed a bill to make voting easier for all. Ol’ Bidin’ Time says he’s “disappointed but not deterred”. We know who’s deterred. Trump is deterred. And his acolytes in the GOP. Putin must be laughing his viscera out.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order and introduced our guests Len Ivey (up from the coast), Kevin Rowe (fresh from a PB in the Kowen half marathon), and Charles Guscott (who needs no excuse to return). Ted’s Joke involved new technology to examine the effects of bird strike on aircraft. The Googly Ball was presented to the golfer whose drive from Up the Creek hit the pump house and landed on the ladies’ tee. To protect the identity of the Dummy Expectorator I will identify her only as the woman who won two NTP balls. The encouragement Award went to little Debbie Gordon who grows taller every day.

Deb & Nev

LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still 2, Tim Barter 2, Ken Gordon 2, Dave Hubbard, Nev Schroder, Joan Mason and Larry King. The nine hole comp winner was Larry King with 44 strokes for a net 27 after deducting handicap, from Steve Lambert 45/33 and young Debbie Gordon 52/34. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 91/59 from Vicki Still 88/61 and Rob Gorham 85/65. Well played, all.

Next month we vie for the Mad March Hare Pennant. Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 6 March at 12.15pm to be ready for the regular 12.30pm start.

In the meantime spare a thought for poor old Scomes who’s being branded a liar by all and sundry. As if it was a bad thing. I put it to you that the country needs good Professional Equivocators to keep the awful truths of governance from us. To quote Colonel Nathan R Jessup: “You can’t handle the truth!” For our own good we need to be kept in a state of blissful ignorance. As they say in Dogpatch, USA: “As long as no one knows where no one stands, the country’s in the very best of hands”.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Lambert's Leap

Sunday, 2 January. “Would you care for a RAT?” With Basil Fawlty’s deathless words in mind we prepared for the beginning of the Wamboin golfing year, the New Year’s Resolution Cup. The RAT is the current hot topic because, accurate or not, it will take over from the PCR test because of the virulence of Omicron and its consequent demands of the health system. Then there’ll be Epsilon or Zorba or Nana Mouskouri or whatever they decide to call the next variant (it’s all Greek to me), which we will all catch to end the pandemic. The good news is that Love Potion No. (Covid) 19 will be but a bad memory come the end of 2022. That is, until She Gin Sling’s chefs in the Wuhan Biological Restaurant cook up another viral delight.

Returning to golf, the day, which was warm, was sponsored by L & L King whom we thank for the eats and prizes. To keep the captain happy the sponsors agreed to a Stableford competition which, for some, requires the use of those little pencils with the rubber on top. Masks were all the go in the Hall for signing in but once on the course we abandoned them for the restorative air of our bucolic Wamboin idyll, a tonic the equal of any anti viral vaccination.

Pete

Back in the clinic, we masked up again and took FLAs intravenously as the sorcerer and his apprentice marked our cards. Naturally, COVID dominated conversation as it does the national media which, it seems with clever editing, contrives to portray our elected federal and state representatives as under graduate debating teams obsessed with accusing each other of incompetence. Of course, it may not be clever editing after all. Whatever, it’s turning people off the unremitting coverage of the pandemic. At one point we thought that the government was getting advice on immunisation from Mr Miyagi (vax on, vax off). But it turned out to be Mr Atagi who runs the Australian Technical Advisory Group on Immunisation.

We were not surprised to hear that The Masked Mandate had returned to Queensland. After his starring role in The Guardians of the Universe he needs a rest. On the other hand we were shocked by the news that the Scots had invaded England on New Year’s Eve just for a drink and a knees-up. I don’t fancy the chances of the Virgin Sturgeon (who, according to the song, needs no urgin’) with another secession referendum.

We commiserated with the England test team over their hapless performances on the field in Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne. And the COVID infections which thinned their ranks for Sydney. The betting was heavy on a whitewash if the visitors don’t resort to the straight bat to induce a draw. Unless the bat comes from the Wuhan wet markets.

Sticking with sport, it appears that top tennis player, Kim Novak Djokstrapitch, has received a special dispensation from the Victorian government to play the Australian Open. This followed a “health exemption” after a “rigorous review process”, according to the head of T A. But good old Border Force wasn’t having any of that! Then Serbia arced up and pretty soon it was raining blood, teeth and human eye balls.

Winners & Grinners
Libby & Paul

The captain called us to order and welcomed back visitor, Clint Pickin, who distinguished himself with a score of 47 Stableford points on a visitor’s temporary handicap. Ted’s joke referenced Leonardo’s famous restaurant scene. The Googly Ball was awarded to Tim Barter for dramatising the number of balls lost by his foursome. The Dummy Spit was passed around and finally settled on your correspondent who merely sought to bring the Club’s attention to the frivolity with which this serious award has become treated.

Junior winner was Robert Thompson with 22 Stableford points from 54 strokes. Winner of the nine hole comp was Gerard Ryan 22 (39) OCB from Larry King 22 (48) also OCB. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 37 (83) from Nev Schroder 35 (78). Well done, all players. As usual the real winner was golf itself.

Next month (February, if you haven’t been concentrating), the shortest in the Julian calendar, dipsos try to rest the liver by abstinence. That doesn’t apply here in Wamboin where we do everything in moderation. So if you want to join us for an FLA at the 19th after a healthy game of golf come to the Hall on Sunday, 6 February at 12.15pm for the ever-reliable 12.30pm kick off

Until then I’d like to share a few of my New Year’s resolutions:

  1. I will stop taking the RAT on a daily basis
  2. I will charge only a reasonable mark-up on my stock of RATs
  3. I will vigorously defend the sacred site of Mick Sherd Oval by chaining myself to the goal posts
  4. I will not encourage anyone to christen their daughter Gizzlaine
  5. I will not storm Parliament House dressed like a cow
  6. I will include more commas in these reports

Larry King, golfer

2021

December Competition Results

Sunday, 5 December. God rest ye merry gentlefolk, let nothing you dismay/Who cares our scores grow higher as long as we can play. Yes, sports fans, even though golf returned to Wamboin in November, the standard of play had slipped a little through inactivity since June. But skills were sharper for the Christmas Cup, which, like a cornucopia, runneth over with all good things such as the milk of human kindness, rare and refreshing fruit and so on and so forth. By contrast, the day, which was sponsored by Peter and Adrienne Greenwood and Karyn Gentleman, who selected stroke play, was a bit on the cold-and blustery side courtesy of a sharp Easterly and a Sun shyly peeping intermittently from behind the clouds. Nevertheless, singing carols in four part harmonies, we leaped to our sleighs and flew off over the unusual greenness of the Wamboin countryside.

Back in Santa’s workshop, as the captain, masquerading as a fat man in a red suit, flogged the elves into assessing the scorecards, we reviewed happenings in our world. And what an exciting world it is! The big news, of course, is the new razzle-dazzle Covid variant which started in Africa under the infectious title of B.1.1.529. When it got to Europe it was renamed O’Micron after the first person to contract it - a leprechaun living under a rock in the Burren. In France M Macaroon’s found someone else to hate: Boris. Manny is sending the UK loads of refugees and throwing tanties when Boris objects. France’s once-vaunted reputation for diplomacy is in the freezer or, putting it another way, sub zero.

In Australia the federal parliament has drawn the curtain on the year as ScoMo plans another secret holiday to scratch his head in bewilderment over the Italianate government he now leads: now I have a majority, now I don’t; why won’t those pesky senators stay put and belt up?; what’s wrong with a federal ICAC that meets in secret and doesn’t cover pollies?; why can’t I have a Religious Discrimination Bill which discriminates against LGBTIQ people and free thinkers?; what’s in the air conditioning?; why can’t they keep it zipped?; will there be an outbreak of bunga bunga parties in 2022?; ten of my best people – which doesn’t include the dill who can’t spell Christian - won’t be around to contest the next election; where can I get candidates that aren’t knuckle-headed apparatchiks; why can’t I say anything intelligible and informative? Meanwhile, a Chinese spy ship has been spotted slinking down the coast of Queensland gathering intelligence. We wish them luck.

And back in God’s Own we’ve had the Council elections. Your correspondent, a noted champion of the civil authority—I salute the uniform, whoever’s wearing it—almost wore himself out on 4 December, visiting all polling stations in the region to vote for Group L who are deadly serious about shifting the putative site of the Bungendore High school to Woodlawn, an easy train ride from town. This should please everyone.

Winners & Grinners

After the captain silenced the unruly crowd with a few well-chosen epithets he introduced our guests Matilda Whitney and Clint Pickin, and told Ted’s joke involving a man calling himself James Bond and a dog who really was Jack Russell. The googly ball went to the person who drew attention to the presence of several barkers’ nests on the oval and suggested appropriate action. One competitor was lucky to avoid the dummy spit when told that the reason the nine holers weren’t getting to play the Eastern Nine was the roosting migratory birds on one green. He replied that he could fix that. During the resulting furore the dummy was awarded to Rob Gorham who complained of losing six balls. (It’s an expensive game. I lost a tee.)

LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart 2, Clint Pickin, David Bailey, Glen Crafter, Rob Gorham, Dave Hubbard and Keith France. There was a tie in the juniors comp between Madison Gordon and Robert Thompson, both returning with 35 after handicap. Winner of the nine hole comp was David Thompson 51/34 from Steve Lambert 48/36 ocb Alex Gordon 53/36 also ocb. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Keith France 80/63 from Colin Urquhart 95/69 and Vicki Still 97/71. Well done all!

Why not make a New Year’s resolution to throw off the enervation of the pandemic by joining us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 January for the ever-dependable 12.30pm shot gun start. You’ve only got your dignity to lose. Meanwhile I want to have whatever they’re feeding political prisoners in Myanmar. It looks like a Yangon court could give the 76 year-old Aung San Suu Kyi 100 years for various “crimes”.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The 36th Wamboin Open

Sunday, 7 November. “Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!” And so, with the closing words of Martin Luther King’s famous “I have a dream“ speech, your correspondent (sadly, no relation) welcomes the great reopening of the land and the joys that go with it—such as golf. And what an occasion to come back to: the highly-esteemed Wamboin Open when golfers throughout the region, the nation and, indeed, the world vie for the chance to get their names on the honour board. As if to share our joy, the weather gods smiled down on us with a warm and sunny day punctuated by mid afternoon rumblings from the West accompanied by a brief, gentle shower which affected only the 18 holers, and who cares about them. Sponsored by the Club itself from its vast financial resources amassed from years of usurious green fees, the Open is scored on stroke play with a subsidiary handicap division for those doing it just for the fun.

Back in the Elysium of our familiar, comforting community hall, as the acting captain tried to remember the rules, etiquette and Byzantine scoring systems of the beautiful game, we congratulated each other on withstanding the plague and remembered with affection those who didn’t. Much had occurred since last we met. Firstly, Premier Glad (bless her) picked up her ball and walked off, then Deputy Barrelo (Porky, to his friends) did the same. After that, Dom Perignon (the Premier Cru) got Glad’s job, Mr Toole became deputy premier, Mr Dick became Treasurer and Mr Ayres (Curly, to his intimates) became 2IC of the Libs. Moving right along, back home our dear leader, Tim Working Trousers, dropped the bomb that he was stepping down as captain of Queen’s Park Rangers just as his lovely wife announced she would contest the vacancy in the state seat of Monaro. Crickey! This’ll keep the thousands employed by the ABC manufacturing political trivia engaged for years. At the federal level the Barnaby Country Party, egged on by a guy who can’t spell caravan, were holding poor old ScoMo to ransom over his trip to Scotland to have a drink in the Last Chance Saloon and talk about the weather (I hope he took a brolly). When he got there he was ambushed by his old Froggy pal, Manny Macaroon, who identified him as a liar. ScoMo retorted that it was water off a duck’s back and released an elliptical email from the French Prez suggesting it was really Manny who was peddling porkies. The email said “Can I expect good or bad news tonight?” Well, we all know what a Frenchman means by that. Napoleon set the tone with his famous “Not tonight, Josephine?” (Everyone forgets the question mark!).

Now that COVID-19 is nought but a bad memory we looked back in summary: the only states where it got a real grip were NSW and Vic; our Glad (Charity Queen at the Wagga Agricultural Show) fought valiantly and well while Dancing Dan (who’s never to blame for anything) took out the lockdown record; Qld did OK but even a virus finds Queenslanders repellent; the ACT didn’t fair too badly as did the NT unless you’re a blackfella; South Australia and Tasmania are still there, as mendicant as ever; and the Golden West’s broken record, Mr McGoon, is still rattling his sabre about access for Easterners (Ah, McGoon, you’ve done it again!). At the federal level ScoMo could have done better if he’d listened to Elbow. Apparently the virus rages in the rest of the world, throwing up variants plain and fancy. But now that we’re all vaccinated, if not immunised, we’ll be fine – except for the frail aged, the halt and the lame. But that’s not all bad news. As soon as the Boomers leave the scene an enormous tax burden will be lifted off the Millennials, the Ys and the Xs who will also benefit from inherited wealth and lower house prices, win, win, win. You have to go all the way back to the Black Death to find a better distributer of wealth. (OK, Henry VIII’s dissolution of the monasteries wasn’t bad either.) We then scratched our heads over the identity of COP 26. Who could the mysterious crime fighter be? Suggestions included Capt. Kate Beckett, Officer Jake Peralta, DI Barnaby, Officer Barbrady, Deadpool, Kick Ass, Theo Kojak, Frank Columbo, Father Brown, Robocop and Judge Dredd. The name of the cryptic sleuth will be revealed in Glasgow on 12 November.

Winners & Grinners

The a/g captain welcomed our visitors, Charles Guscott making a rare but welcome appearance, and Spanish cattle breeders, Pam and Juan Ploner. Ted’s joke concerned a 72 year old man determined to get his alcohol consumption down to net zero by 2050. The googly ball was frittered away on a dull and very ordinary comment about the water on the course. Tim Barter spat the dummy (beating Vicki Still by a nanosecond). The encouragement award went to Madison Gordon. The junior champion was Robert Thompson (destined for a green jacket). In the handicap division, the nine hole winner was David Thompson 50/33 from Ken Gordon 39/35 with Colin Urquhart 51/38 in 3rd place. The 18 hole handicap winner was Rob Gorham 84/66 from David Bailey 99/72 and Dave Hubbard 95/75 3rd. A hush fell over the crowd as the a/g captain revealed the names of the 2021 R&A Wamboin GC Open Champions. They are: Men’s 18 holes Tim Barter 72; Ladies 18 holes Vicki Still 102; Men’s nine holes Glen Crafter 37; Ladies nine holes Deb Gordon 58; Eclectic 18 holes Glen Crafter; Eclectic nine holes Deb Gordon. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who competed.

The Assembled Participants

Next month we contest the Christmas Cup, overflowing with tidings of comfort and joy. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 December for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile you can tune into Kabul radio, Triple K (not to be confused with a Southern USA social club) to hear the current No. 1, which is the old Banana Boat Song. The popular verse goes “Come Mr Taliban, tally me banana”.

Larry King, golfer

October [Covert-]Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 October, two days after the shocking news that Our Glad (bless her) had resigned as boss of NSW. It’s because she is being investigated by ICAC as part of its probe into the property affairs of former boyfriend Jerry (“show me the money”) Maguire. ICAC, which is Latin for ‘I Regurgitate”, is where they spew out all the bad things they suspect you of. You then get an opportunity to defend yourself. They got a former NSW Premier, Farry O’Barrel, for accepting a bottle of Grange. Big deal. Your correspondent is showered with cases of Grange (I also accept Hill of Grace, Lafitte and Latour) to write articles supporting various causes. My policy is to accept all wines and write the absolute truth. But Our Glad will be OK. She’ll probably be represented by her new boyfriend, Moses. That’s right, Moses. Mr Ten Commandments. She has to be safe with Moses on her side, so let’s stop worrying about her and concentrate on golf.

Having missed Aunty Joan’s spring rolls in September, the R&A Wamboin GC was determined to have a traditional golf day complete with a fully-attended 19th hole. So we slipped into Sydney two weeks ago, joined the Rabittohs entourage and flew to Brisbane where we’d booked the Royal Queensland Golf Club’s top notch course for Sunday. Premier Palerskerzuk met us at the airport (she does that for all top sporting teams) and personally conducted us to the club’s beautiful riverside course. It was a ‘perfect’ day for golf (it was merely ‘beautiful’ the previous day) 26°C and fine.

Back in the well-appointed club house, as the captain passed around our tickets to the NRL Grand Final that evening, we all expressed our surprise at the sudden recall by the French government of their ambassador in Australia. We wondered what the poor chap had done wrong. It couldn’t have been for getting drunk on the diplomatic cocktail circuit. That’s standard operating procedure. A few thought it had something to do with the submarine contract. The word from Paris is that when the news filtered through, the French President, Monsieur Macaroon, was heard to whisper to his wife “Je suis ropeable ce soir, ma cherie”. But when ScoMo called to explain the change of heart, the President’s assistant, Mlle Ada Camp, informed him that M Macaroon was “tied up” and would not speak to him. So it probably had nothing to do with the subs after all.

Talking about under water warfare, the terms of the recently-announced Orcas Agreement with the US and the UK, permits us to buy eight nuclear-powered killer whales from the US. I don’t know who’s going to train them. Or feed them, for that matter. They eat a prodigious quantity of seals, tuna, squid and dolphins. You’ll never be told when they’re in port, either. The crew always carry on with this “refusal to confirm or deny” nonsense. And notice how they’re never interviewed at night. That’s because they all glow in the dark. Naturally, ScoNuke is over the moon. And so he should be. By 2040 we’ll have eight nuclear whales to take on the 90 or so the Chinese already have. And it kicks along the push for nuclear power stations to take over from Eraring, Bayswatwer and Loy Yang.

We congratulated Russian President, Ras Putin, on his stunning election victory. The irony is he doesn’t even have to hold elections, being President-for-Life, banning opposition parties from standing candidates and sending Alex Nabokov off to the gulag to rewrite “Lolita”. When asked by the media how he felt he said “I’m Stuffed”. So would you be if you’d spent the day supervising the stuffing of ballot boxes in eleven time zones. Even the Communist Party is calling foul. The good news is that Russians may now settle back in comfort knowing a firm hand remains on the tiller.

In other news, we rejoiced with Quade Cooper at the federal government’s change of heart in agreeing to make him an Australian citizen. We congratulated the Jehovah’s Witnesses for finally signing up to the restitution fund in the light of the findings of the Royal Commission into child abuse. I often invite them in for a cup of tea when they come around. And the Watchtower is always good for a hearty laugh. It beats L Ron Hubbard’s dreary tome on dianetics—whatever that is—hands down.

We approved the notion of COVID passports. Your correspondent has produced a very reasonably-priced version, guaranteed to get you through border security in all states (it got us in and out of Queensland) and most other countries, including North Korea which is the new, exciting place to go now that Kim Wrong-un has been “disappeared” and replaced by a guy with a better haircut and sharper suits.

Next month—November to be precise—will feature the annual Wamboin Open. It should be a good one with prize money donated by the PRC under the Belt and Road policy. Join us at 12.15pm at the community hall on Sunday, 7 November for the standard 12.30pm start.

Meanwhile for those who haven’t had two or even one jab, may I recommend local GP, Dr Rekkers, COVID Retardant. It’s not a cure or vaccine but it will mask the symptoms, which is handy for those runs in and out of Canberra and Russian athletes. It comes in a brown bottle and is taken internally. You can even wash your hair with it.

Larry King, golfer

September [Pseudo-]Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 September. Hold the defibrillator. All the watts in the world won’t start Charlie up. The 80 year old, sartorially splendid human metronome of The Rolling Stones is no more. There are many drummers who can keep the beat and many who can do the fancy licks, but those who can do both are justly famous. Charlie Watts was such a one. Like The Beatles, there are now only two of the original Stones left. When Keef goes—and some say that happened a while ago—Mick can tour by himself as “The Rolling Stone”, free of all moss.

And talking about getting around, the R & A Wamboin GC has come out of diapause now that Our Glad (bless her) is allowing us to gather in groups of five. And exercise outdoors for three hours. It works like this: groups of 4/5 go out to each tee before the shotgun is fired to start play. See? No group meets another group. When play ceases we all gather in an open field—still in our groups of five—and picnic in a responsibly-masked and socially-distanced way. We communicate by semaphore, heliograph, megaphone, bull horn, loud hailer, mobile phone, PMR and tablet/iPad. It’s tough for the captain but, leadership has its downsides. Although the course was sodden, those who turned up paddled valiantly over the Eastern Nine (that’s all you can do in three hours).

We welcomed our guests, Bill and Deidre O’Wheeler. The googly ball was won by local rhinologist John Barrelo (Porky to his friends) who can identify the source of waste products by smell alone. The dummy spit went to the 18 US intelligence agencies who accurately predicted when the Taliwhackers would reach Kabul. (These are the same guys who brought you weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.) Winners and place getters all elected to remain anonymous in keeping with these isolating, self-effacing times.

Staying with sport, we mourned the loss of Deb and Ken Gordon to Oztag in the region after 20 years association with the game in Bungendore. Doubtless, freed of that onerous burden, greater honours await them on the golf course. We then congratulated the Wallabies on regaining the Bledisloe Cup. True, the All Absence of Colours won the first two games but forfeited the series for not turning up for the third game on the agreed date and time. Maybe they need a new bus driver. I can’t see the Mudchooks being that silly.

We marveled at the cooperation being shown between the Taliban and US forces who are bombing the Al Qaeda-linked ISIS faction bent on exploiting the chaos in Afghanistan. The aphorism “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” springs to mind. It is, apparently, an ancient Sanskrit proverb dating from at least the 4th century BC but first expressed in English in 1884 by American architect, Gabriel Manigault. I pass this on for what it’s worth—which is considerably more than any deal you could strike with the Taliwhackers.

On a brighter note, Kabul radio is playing the current No. 1 hit: “The Boys are Back in Town” by The Taliband. Of course, back home the plague always gets a mention. Delta seems to be getting away from us. In Qld and WA, Premiers Palaskerzuk and McGoon are steadfastly sticking to the futile policy of containment but Our Glad (bless her) is warming us up for the great re-opening which will restore fun and prosperity.

You see, the real purpose of a lockdown is to get us vaccinated. Its motive force is fear: fear that we’ll catch the virus and die; and fear that we’ll lose our jobs, go broke and never recover. At 80% double-jabbed it’ll almost be back to normal. Let’s hope we get there by Christmas. The other 20 per cent can take their chances.

This is a variation on achieving herd immunity. Look up the Spanish flu. Without vax or cure it petered out in Australia after about two years. In essence, the variants that followed the original outbreak became progressively weaker. Let’s face it, a virus which kills its host isn’t going to survive for long. The general political response to the present pandemic has less to do with medical science and more to do with the understandable reluctance of civil authorities to be seen to be doing nothing as people die. Who can say they’re wrong? My courageous prediction is that when this is over the international death toll, expressed as a percentage of world population, will pale into insignificance when compared to that of the Spanish flu.

Why not repair your mental fabric by joining us in a paddock to be confirmed, at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 October for the 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, think about lying by a sun-drenched tropical pool, sipping an FLA as zephyrs waft about your body. Now think about how you’re going to get there.

Larry King, golfer dreaming

August [Non-]Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 1 August. A grey day with patchy rain and a light breeze. Not ideal for golf but not impossible. Unless of course you’re in the middle of a pandemic and the course is sodden. The Greens Committee cancelled the competition.

Rain

This is getting to be an annoying habit. Fortunately your correspondent was able to quickly round up some willing golfers from the multitude wandering the streets of South West Sydney and bring them back to Wamboin—cunningly avoiding the mounted police and the sniffer dogs (trained to detect COVID Delta)—to tackle the Western Nine. The Eastern Nine is out of play pending the completion of construction of the Pfizer Bridge across the source of the Yass River (discovered by John Hanning Speke in 1858).

Back at a certain large shed, socially distanced and wearing masks (except when taking a mouthful or two of a restorative throat lubricant), we agreed there are some people you just have to feel sorry for. Firstly there’s poor Delta Goodrem. After a valiant battle with cancer she carves out a glittering career in the music industry but do they give her an OAM? No, they name a virus after her.

Then there’s that clever low security prisoner in Goulburn. His meticulously-planned escape (he opened the back gate and fled ) was foiled by the late arrival of the get-away train. And of course that chap in charge in Brazil whose name I’ve forgotten (sounds like balls-in-a-row): after ruthlessly prosecuting a policy of herd immunity by doing nothing he’s rewarded by a case of chronic hiccups after orthodontic work. With deaths at over half a million and rising, Ballsy clearly bit off more than he could chew.

But the people I’m feeling sorriest for at the moment are the poor old Afghans now that the war’s over. If you can believe the Taliwhackers, they now control a fair chunk of the country. This is not good news for peace and harmony, respect for women, education for girls, cultural monuments, religious tolerance and prosperity (unless you’re a Taliwhacker). It is your correspondent’s melancholy observation from examples of conflict throughout the ages that war can be concluded with a decisive victory in only two ways: (a) if you are willing and able to kill lots of people including yours, theirs and anyone else who gets in the way (note that an estimated 60,000 French civilians were killed in the WW 2 battle for Normandy; by the time Paris was liberated it was well over one million); (b) if the invaders just call it a day and go home, which is what we did in Vietnam and now Afghanistan.

This raises the question of what we were doing there in the first place. The conventional reason advanced was to rob terrorists of a breeding ground. I can’t see much difference between the Taliwhackers and ISIS. Still, the troops are no doubt happy to quit the land where, according to a formerly ”embedded” ABC journalist (a real one, not one of those current affairs communists), the women cannot be seen, the men cannot be trusted and the food cannot be eaten. Not to mention all those dangerous IUDs by the roadsides. No doubt they’ll relish their redeployment to fight the virus breakout in Sydney.

Meanwhile back home, tough-talking NSW CMO, Dr Gregorienne Chant, has come down hard on the Travelling Wilberries. She, like you, has read David Williamson’s play “The Removalists” in which three furniture movers travel from Sydney to Melbourne, Adelaide and back again, spreading joy and mirth wherever they go. The play’s moral is that unless we look after each other everything ends in tears, a fine uplifting thought. Dr Chant and our Glad (bless her) share that thesis. So embrace the lockdown. I can say that because my business—fearless reporter—is based on the three golden rules: no rent; no debt; no stock. I sympathise with those who carry the burden of all three. The rest of us, via the money we give to the civil authority (taxes), must help if we mean to heed Williamson’s warning.

We speculated on the name of the dimwit who signed the advice to the immigration minister to deny Quade Cooper Australian citizenship. I guess we’ll never know. He/she/it and the minister should be red-carded. Poor old Quade has only lived here since he was 13, played with distinction for the Wallabies and has recently been recalled to the squad for the Bledisloe Cup.

And talking of sport, aren’t we doing well in the Olympics! Thank god for the women. And in 2032 they’re going to be in Brisbane. I can’t wait. No wonder AOC supremo, John Outergarments, was keen to bolster the Australian presence at the opening ceremony by insisting on a good roll-up including his pal, O’Shea (I think that’s what he said). Whoever O’Shea is remains a mystery. Also mysterious is when we’ll be able to use the Community Hall as the 19th hole. Sydney’s lockdown is scheduled to extend another eight weeks at time of writing. But golf will continue one way or another. In the meantime look after each other and get vaccinated!

Larry King, golfer.

July [Non-]Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 4 July. That pesky pandemic deserves the green needle. Those other jabs are too good for it. We had to cancel the July comp because it’s just too difficult to hit all the requirements to use the Community Hall. We could have played the game without the 19th afterwards, but as you know, golf is only played for the FLAs at the end.

Be that as it may, your intrepid correspondent gathered a host of kindred spirits amongst his mates in the NRL—I won’t name them for privacy reasons—to contest the Eastern Nine. It was bitterly cold so play was halted after a statistically significant proportion of the course was covered. We then repaired to a certain large green shed to warm the fingers by a large gas heater. This enabled us to remove the crown seals from several Fluid Loss Adjusters.

In the captain’s absence your correspondent introduced our guests, distributed the googly ball, the dummy spit award, the LD and NTP balls, told Ted’s joke and awarded the major prizes. Again for privacy reasons, I cannot reveal the winner’s name (we later found him hiding under a bed) but it gives me much pleasure to let you know that I came second. (Please pardon the obvious display of pride. I rarely appear on the podium.)

In the course of replacing essential fluids we briefly lamented the plight of political cartoonists now that the deplorable Trump and his monkey house of sub-cretinous, misanthropic dropkicks have been turfed. Sure, he’s had a few rallies where he’s spread the same old manure, but it’s not as exciting when the man in the clown suit no longer controls an arsenal of ICBMs.

However, journos have all perked up since the return to the stage of steam-of-conscious novelist and family man, James “Barnaby” Joyce. Don’t bother reading his masterpiece, “Ulysses”. I got to page 30 before being admitted to a sanatorium. It reminds me of the first 30 pages of “Das Kapital” which I recommend as diversion therapy for all budding socialists. It’s a pity these demagogues can’t write for real people.

While on the subject of ratbags, we expressed righteous anger at the shutting down of popular Hong Kong newspaper, Apple Daily, by the running dogs of PRC Czar, She Gin Sling. They did the same in Tibet years ago to the Daily Lama. Just let them try the same totalitarian nonsense with the Independent! I’ll be the first to take up my umbrella in protest.

Poor old ScoMotose can’t take a trick at the moment. Elbow’s got him on the ropes over the pandemic. It turns out he didn’t take Elbow’s advice on how to keep it out; what to do when it got in; how to control outbreaks; why hotel quarantine would never work; what would; how to force aged care workers and others to vaccinate; when to lock down; when to open up; how to keep the economy going; how much vax to order; where to get it; what to do when Italy reneged; when to open and close the border; how and when people trapped overseas should be allowed to return; why they shouldn’t; blah, blah, blah. We should have been guided by Elbow. A person that smart ought to be Prime Minister. I’ll bet he wouldn’t have allowed Witness K to be tried behind a screen of secrecy (literally and figuratively). Just wait for next month’s report in which I reveal how the QPRC have bugged the meetings of the Save the Mick Sherd Committee. I’ll insist my trial be held in the Bungendore Memorial Hall with free admittance to all.

Having got all that off our chests we packed up and left in an orderly fashion. There was no need for the police to untangle the traffic in Wirreanda Road. Let us hope that our Glad’s (bless her) contact tracers turn up a whole pile of negatives so that the August golf day can proceed. You may then wish to join us at the Wamboin community hall on 1 August at 12.15pm to sign up for the 12.30pm start. Dress warm.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Sunday 6 June. Welcome to Winter. My old mate, Chill Blains (he really loves Winter) reckons it’ll be a ripper this year—low temperatures, biting frosts, blizzards and snows metres deep. Fortunately, it wasn’t like that for the Wamboin Pre-Solstice Frolic when all golfers, except the ladies (bless ‘em), play naked to the waist. Just a dusting of 10-15cm, hardly worth worrying about unless you’d forgotten your orange golf balls.

Short 'n Sweet

The day was sponsored by the Urquhart family whom we thank for the sumptuous spread and prizes. The order of the day was an Ambrose Scramble with “the golden egg”—a yellow golf ball. We don’t normally encourage yellow golf balls in Winter because of a past unfortunate misunderstanding. Regrettably, with our usual ADD we missed the significance of the golden egg, making the captain spit the dummy. Nevertheless, clutching our golden eggs (Deb Gordon had three! That woman must have been trained by Fagin) and suitably gluhweined, we strapped on the snow shoes, threw off the upper raiment and took to the piste.

Back in the chalet, as the captain worked the abacas with frost-bitten fingers, we discussed the federal budget. It was a short discussion. After watching the news on the ABC most of us turned over to “8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown” on SBS. We thus missed the pearls that Rogan Josh Friesanburger cast before us. Obviously, there was no point watching Elbow the next night. So we unpicked the Sutton Road fiasco. Managers of major civil works are generally competent people. So how come it’s taking them so long to work out that if you’re mucking about with an arterial road for a long time the traffic into town in the morning generally equals the traffic leaving town in the afternoon. And why can’t they set the traffic lights accordingly?

We noted that 20 May was International Bidet. As none of us has a bidet (or is not game to admit it) we felt a bit left out and wondered if the UN was really a club for the wealthy, only pretending to be a sheltered workshop for shiny bums from banana republics, dictatorships and failed states.

We then turned to Pooty Putin’s efforts to put the band (i.e. the Soviet Union) back together. He’s already got Crimea and may soon have Ukraine and Belarus under his belt. This lead to a discussion of the good things about Russia, such as its famous composers. Can you name ten? Here’s how we went: Tchaikovsky, Prokofiev, Borodin, Stravinsky, Rachmaninov, Mikoyan, Tupolev, Iluyshin, Sikorsky and Kalashnikov. We excluded T 34 on the ground that she was a painter.

Next we tried to name the actors who played the original Magnificent Seven. The first two are easy: Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen. For the record, the rest were Butch Cassidy, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Akira Kurosawa and one of the Pickens brothers but we couldn’t agree on whether it was Slim, Easy or Lousy. After that the six wives of Henry VIII were relatively easy: Catherine of Tarragon, Anne Berlin, Anne of Cloves, Anne Hathaway, Maid Marion and Bronnie of Karabar.

And now they’ve discovered a new strain of COVID, the “peripatetic variant”. All those who contract it feel compelled to travel widely interstate and even overseas, spreading the love wherever they go. Why can’t the infected just stay at home?

We rounded it off by discussing poultry princess, Zali Steggles’, climate change bill in the federal parliament. If anyone asks you what it’s about you can say it’s about 10cm thick. It’s like the road to hell: paved with good intentions but leaves the hard thinking to someone else. Fortunately, energy czar, Anguish Taylor, the Baldric of climate change, has a “cunning plan” to reduce CO2 from using oil by using gas.

Winners & Grinners

The captain then terminated the frivolity by introducing our guests, Dave and Michelle Cochrane and Val and Erik Haller. Ted’s joke involving an ambidextrous golfer was told by Keith France. He also got the googly ball for directing a ball towards the Palerang mayor-in-perpetuity who narrowly avoided brutal emasculation (see photo above). The dummy spit award was passed from the captain to Michelle Cochrane for interjections too numerous to list.

Winners

LD and NTB ball winners were Glen Crafter 3, Pete Harrison, Dave Cochrane 2, Keith France, Colin Urquhart, Tim Barter and Lofty Mason. The winning team in the nine hole Ambrose was Lofty Mason and Deb and Ken Gordon with 29.85 strokes (yeah, that’s what I said) after handicap. Runners up on 31.7 were the team of Dave Hubbard and Larry King. Winners of the 18 hole Ambrose were Pete Harrison and Paul Griffin 51.85 from Tim Barter, Vicki Still and Dave Cochrane 53.8. The captain said he’d explain the golden egg better next time.

Next month will feature the Ted Evans Memorial GST Handicap where 10% is added to your handicap and forwarded to the ATO. In case you don’t know, ATO stands for the Australian Taxation Office. I hope that didn’t sound condescending. I detest condescending people. ‘Condescending”, by the way, means displaying a patronisingly superior attitude. It comes from the Latin, descendere, to descend, but I don’t expect you to know that.

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

Sunday, 2 May. It was a fine autumnal day for the Wamboin Merrie Month of May Frolic. The day was sponsored by those old sailors and airmen represented by Tim Barter and Paul Griffin whom we thank for the scrumptious spread (which they had little to do with) and the prizes (chosen by people with taste). They declared the competition would be decided on the Stableford scoring system. Ah well, never mind.

Watergate

Last month was a red letter occasion for your correspondent. Being an essential service worker as a reporter for this august organ of communication, he had his first date with Jabber the Hutt. Yes, I joined the conga line of masochists with our sleeves rolled up to the armpits to get the initial jab of the Astral Zenic vax. As promised, it didn’t hurt. Well, not until the needle actually went in and then it hurt like hell—a cross between the guillotine and seppuku (I hope I’m not putting you off). Anyway, I made it through the side effects period without experiencing the dreaded managerial thrombosis i.e. clots at the top.

Finn's Spotties

Back in the ICU, as the captain did the intricate calculations, we considered the news that crime stats had dropped sharply during the pandemic. Not white collar crime—that continues unabated: my ISP still bills me full price for a service delivered intermittently. No, they mean crimes like theft and burglary. It’s because we’re all working from home. Being the bleeding hearts we are, we wondered how the poor old tea leaves and their families were bearing up. It’d be a bit hard to claim the JobKeeper. We decided that they needed a community group to lobby on their behalf. Maybe the Business Council of Australia can form a blue collar division.

Conversation then turned to our hydrogen future. No one reading this remembers the Hindenburg but most have heard of it. It wasn’t a good look for hydrogen. But your correspondent, who goes to great lengths to research these articles, can reassure you that R & D has progressed since those days. This is how it works (I’ll keep it simple): hydrogen gas and compressed air are forced through a membrane which splits the hydrogen atom (that’s right!) which creates the power to drive an electric motor. You are now riding an H bomb just like Slim Pickens did in the movie “Dr Strangelove”. The bits of the H atom that aren’t needed—call it the nuclear waste—react with the oxygen in the air to form water which is released through the car’s exhaust system. I reckon it’ll be the go-to vehicle for ram raids—if you can jump out in time like James Dean in “Rebel without a Cause”.

Winners & Grinners
Winners

The captain called for order and introduced our guest, Vincent Gorham making a welcome return. Ted’s joke involved a lady with a glass eye. The googly ball was awarded to Nev Schroder for striking your correspondent with a divot while limbering up. Guess who got the dummy spit award for bringing it to the committee’s attention. Once again no LD and NTB ball winners for the Eastern Nine. The junior nine hole comp winner was Phoebe Beckett with 20 Stableford points. The senior nine hole comp winner was Deb Gordon 21 points from Rob Gorham 20 points OCB. Winner of the senior 18 hole comp was Glen Crafter 38 from Vicki Still 36. Well played, everyone!

Isn’t the year flashing past? There’s nothing like a pandemic to while away the boredom of the mundane. And golf, of course. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 June for the pre solstice comp which will kick off at 12.30pm sharp. Stay on afterwards for the ritual pagan dancing around the fire. The shy and inhibited may retain their clothing.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 4 April. A beautiful sunny day for Easter Sunday. Not a breath of air, which was a shame. 28°C feels like 32°C without a breeze. Still, no one complained for fear of the embarrassment of the dummy spit award. It was, of course, the day of the Wamboin Mini Masters. This legendary competition goes back to 1893 when Rudyard Kipling donated the Great Grey-Green Greasy Limpopo Jacket to the club. 1893, by the way, was the year that women got the vote in New Zealand. And haven’t they done well since!

Unlike the US Masters, a drawn-out four day affair, the winner of the greenish coat is determined on the day, following two rounds of six holes on Bingley Way, the nerve centre of Wamboin. Those who make the cut after round one go on to vie for the afore-mentioned article of bespoke tailoring. Those of us who don’t (including your correspondent) still play round two for the handicap honours. All players then compete in the NTP novelty shots: off the ramp; off the tyre; from the bunker. Got it? OK.

The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association whom we thank for the the refreshments and prizes. And so with a song in our hearts, as Heaven opened its portals for us (thank you Messrs Rodgers and Hart) we sprang to the stirrups and galloped off into the countryside swathed in its mantle of green, courtesy of the recent rains.

Back in the jungle, as Brown Owl in the guise of Lofty Mason did the tally with the technical expertise of Akela, local ICT wizard, Nev Schroder, we pondered the roll out of the anti Covid jab. We thought that Ireland’s early concerns about clots was an Irish joke until we realized they meant blood clots. The answer is childishly simple: lace the vaxx with Warfarin. Then there was the all Ordinaries Index. It started 2020 at over 7000 (whatever that means). And, roughly, that’s where it started 2021. Sure, it dropped like a lead zeppelin in the interim but the general economy, measured by Gross Domestic Product, rocketed out of recession while full time employment increased. All this suggests that the gig economy—mainly the income earned by part timers in the hospitality industry—doesn’t contribute much to the broader economy. And guess what? The calculation of GDP doesn’t really take them into account. My mate the economics lecturer at QU tells me that the composition of GDP hasn’t been revised since about 1937. It doesn’t account for informal or unrecorded employment arrangements. Of course, the gig economy is a big deal for those who work in it and will feel the absence of JobKeeper which is just part of the $200 billion the Feds have spent on pump priming and which will take about sixty years to repay.

News that police in Canberra had unearthed a haul of cannabis valued at $500,000 evoked memories of the Wamboin Rural Fire Brigade President’s smoking party of ten years ago. The brigade was called upon to burn a huge crop of the substance confiscated in the region. This was done under strict police supervision on the oval next to the hall. Some of the participating brigade members felt a mild euphoria while others wandered about saying things like “far out and solid, man”.

Winners & Grinners

The acting captain called us to order and introduced our guests, Philip Moran, Clint Pickin, Ben Hubbard (scion of a noble Wamboin family), Tony Dowdell and Lila Mason. Kathy Handel, representing the WCA, recited a poem about the shape of wombat poo. It brought tears to the eyes. The Googly Ball went to Rob Gorham for driving the course while a guy with a steel leg walked it (how lazy can you get?). Just for good measure we awarded Gorham the Dummy Spit.

Paul & Kathy

Novelty shot winners were: off the ramp, Tim Barter 2.9 metres; off the tyre, Steve Lambert 4.3 metres; from the bunker, David Bailey 7.2 metres. Handicap winner was Phil Moran 57/41 from runner-up Glen Crafter 52/42. Junior Master was Robert Thomson 39 for six holes. Runner-up in the senior Masters comp was Tim Barter 56. And as the band strikes up Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance March No.1 we can announce that the 2021 Wamboin Mini Master is Paul Griffin 52. Well played all one and all!

Whether or not you’ve had the jab, give serious consideration to joining us on Sunday, the 2nd of the Merrie Month of May for another joyous day of golfing pleasure. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm to sign in for the punctual 12.30pm shot gun start. While on the subject of shot guns, ASIO has identified a ”nest of spies” operating in Australia. It has expelled some. Others have been “rendered inoperative”. We wonder if they’ve been rendered inoperative “with extreme prejudice”.

Larry King, golfer

March Competition Results

Sunday, 7 March. The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Not to be confused with the rabble that is still twisting the tail of the poor old Republican Party in the benighted US of A. No, this time it’s the gladsome Wamboin golfing spectacular.

Lambert's Leap

The day, superbly Autumnal, was sponsored by Deb and Ken Gordon whom we thank for the sustenance and the loot. And talking of loot, what about the gazillions the charismatic Mark Suckitup of Faceache has trousered through the simple ruse of not paying for anything: e.g. tax in our fair country and the work of journalists? Mark, an attractive mixture of badly disguised greed and petulance, unplugged us from the news content he’s nicked from others. Unfortunately he rolled over and agreed to cough up, so all those pictures of Lady Gaga’s ugly little dogs are back on the screen. Still, looking at pictures of French bulldogs is less enervating than trying to work out your score on the diabolical Stableford system which, I suggest, would have confounded even the great Alan Turing.

Back at Bletchley Park, as the captain struggled with the Enigma code of our scorecards, there was much to wonder at. Such as Italy’s refusal to hand over our Vaccine. Bloody wogs! (Did I say that out loud?). The country hasn’t had a functioning government since Mussolini. Actually I’m not that upset: I’m hanging out for the Perfizzer vax. As for Astra Zeneca, wasn’t she the last winner of the Sanremo Song Contest? And what’s all this hoo-ha over the colour of Harry’s and Meghan’s kids? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Edward of Woodstock, the Black Prince? He was the eldest son of Edward III who, as far as I know, never complained about the boy’s colour. Next, we deplored those obnoxious virtue signalers who endured an alcohol-free February. Your correspondent, in conformity with General Angus Campbell’s advice to make himself less attractive, is now on the so-called “5/2 diet”: 5 beers/2 hot dogs. It seems to be working.

Winners & Grinners
Dave & Madz

The captain introduced our guests, Annie Burne, Steve Miners and Rob Gorham—the latter two returning after long absences. Ted’s Joke was told by Dave Hubbard and Keith France. The googly ball went to the person who birdied Short‘n’Sweet. Ruth Lambert spat the dummy at the news a certain member couldn’t attend because his partner was chopping wood. Phoebe Beckett scored the encouragement award. LD and NTP ball winners were Dave Hubbard 2, Annie Burne, Glen Crafter, Ken Gordon, Col Urquhart, Nev Schroder, Pete Harrison, Vicki Still and Tim Barter. Young Robbie Thompson, with 23 Stableford points, took out the junior comp. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Nev Schroder 23 from Dave Hubbard 20 and J & L Mason inseparable on 19. Victor in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter (yawn) 38 from Paul Griffin 36 OCB from Col Urquhart. Congratulations all.

Join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 April for the highly-esteemed Wamboin Mini Masters—two rounds of six holes provided you make the cut after the first six—kicking off at 12.30pm on the dot. Meanwhile, have you read “The Jew of Malta” by Christopher Marlowe, a contemporary of my old pal, W Shakespeare? No, nor have I. I’m only aware of it because of an epigraph from Marlowe’s play which begins the famous poem “Portrait of a Lady” by another old buddy, T S Eliot. It goes like this: “Thou hast committed fornication. But that was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” It put me forcibly in mind of the paradoxical imbroglio one of the parliament house porters finds himself in. Eliot’s poem leaves us in turmoil as to who has been misused: the woman or the man or, indeed, both. It is a conundrum which will never be solved to the general satisfaction no matter what we do.

Larry King, golfer

February Competition Results

Sunday, 7 February, the day of the Great Wamboin Liver Transplant Medal. And what a superb day it was. Thank you Mother Nature. You may be under pressure at the moment but you can still roll out a purler! The day was sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments.

Lambert's Leap

The clemency of the weather attracted a large field which included, we were happy to note, the incredibly life-like Dave Hubbard. As we walked around the course we discussed such things as how we spent Invasion Day. Your correspondent eschewed the traditional burnt protein overload for a 4pm get together over finger food and a few fluid loss adjusters to remember our late friend in whose honour we now include the telling of a joke in the formal 19th hole programme. Invasion day sends a frisson of pride down every spine as we recall the glorious battle between the British Army and the National Eora Army of Central and East coast tribes. Who couldn’t thrill to the vision of the invading troops landing at Kurnell in a manoeuvre copied by Eisenhower 256 years later? Who couldn’t marvel at the nulla nulla emplacements of the indigenous army raining spears upon those on the beach as the returning boomerangs – the home-grown secret weapon - attacked from the rear? We straighten our shoulders in pride and admiration as we recall the chivalry shown by each side to the other during and after hostilities. And finally the signing of the treaty which recognized the prior occupancy of the defenders of this great southern land.

I wish it had been like that: a clean and fair fight, (allowing for the superiority of the invaders’ weapons), followed by an honourable peace. It wasn’t but we can still repair the damage if we have the will.

Back on sacred ground, as the captain fiddled with the abacas to calculate the scores, we bemoaned the fate of poor old Burma – or as they call it these days, Myanmar (why do I think of mum?). Having spent years trying to get the military junta to step aside for the elegant and well-loved Unsung Sushi (unless you’re a Rohingya) civilians watched in dismay as the army took it all back again. The new despot is Min Aung Hiaing who looks about 40 but, based on the decorations on his chest, saw action in every war since Joshua fought the battle of Jericho. They go down the left side of his shirt, under his belt and down his leg. Everything’s there including the Order of the Ingrown Toenail. The rumour is that China doesn’t want a budding democracy on its doorstep. Your correspondent suggests that if you enjoy living in our democracy you work to keep it strong. Like making sure those pesky foreign tennis players stick to our COVID rules. Tennis is an appalling game played by the likes of Pentacostal sky pilots and angry guys with funny haircuts and lots of spare racquets. Now, golf is a decidedly more agreeable game requiring guile, cunning and good hand/eye coordination as exemplified by the former President of the US.

Winners & Grinners
Grinners

The captain called us to order and introduced our guests, Tom Roberts, Mia Cullen and Trish and Michael Zebel. The Ted Evans memorial joke was told. Tom Roberts got the googly ball for twice over-shooting the green on Lamberts Leap. Karen Thompson was awarded the dummy spit on the grounds that she hadn’t got it before. The junior comp was won by Tim Nelson. All other juniors were given encouragement awards (thus encouraging the golfers of tomorrow). No LDs or NTPs because no one has worked out how to get the markers onto the Eastern course. We’re working on it. Winner of the crowded nine hole comp was Trish Zebel 46/28 OCB from sponsor John Whitney (too bad, John). Under the rules runner-up was Deb Gordon 54/31 (sorry, sponsor Nev) with Ken Gordon 3rd 37/33 (don’t you love handicaps?). Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 86/71 from Pete Harrison 2nd or last depending on your perspective.

Next month we battle it out for the Mad Hatter’s Teapot, so don your silly hat and join us at the community hall 12.15pm on Sunday 7 March for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, may I point out that the rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated by the American media, those purveyors of fake news.

Larry King, live golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 3 January. So you made it through to 2021. Congratulations! One of the many great things about playing golf on the well-manicured Wamboin course is that on golf day, with the permission of the property owner, you can play at any reasonable time of the day (provided you play with someone who can be relied on to count all your strokes). This is handy if the day is expected to be excessively hot, cold or rainy. In the later case some took that advantage in January, mindful of the BoM’s advice. Unfortunately those who played early got wet while those who teed off at the scheduled time experienced mild and pleasant conditions. BoMed again!

Firebreak Fore

The day was sponsored by Matt Hawke whom we thank for the prizes and eats. We played a shortened competition of nine holes for all, in unfulfilled expectation of a hot day. The field was slightly down owing to the holiday season, many preferring the South Coast or the Northern Beaches of Sydney (some weren’t expecting to stay for 14 days). Still, that left time to work on our new year’s resolutions. Here are your correspondent’s:

  1. I will not catch COVID 19. (So far so good)
  2. I will not have a beer at the Newport Arms after surfing at Avalon
  3. I will quit smoking. Tick. (I did that in 1986)
  4. I will start wearing a mask. (I have a very attractive one from the Venice Biennale.)
  5. I will give in to my neighbours and stop using fissile fuels
  6. I will send all the money back to China
Pine Slice

Back at the Hall, as the Captain struggled with the maths, we discussed the New Year. Firstly, Trump’s still whingeing that his ”election was stolen by the Democrats”—at least I think that’s what he said. If I’m wrong he can probably get help from his go-to COVID vaxx provider. On the other hand we have a new word in the national anthem. Except they got it wrong. It should be “we are old and reasonable”. “Old” because the blackfellas have been here since before written history and “otherfellas” for more than 200 years. “Reasonable” because you don’t get us for free. For example, if you do a reasonable deal with our peerless government, you might get to set up a fracking operation at the edge of, say, the Pilliga Scrub—most likely contaminating the ground water. Not smart if you want to increase the population of regional areas. Guess what those peoples’ greatest need will be? Imagine drilling shale oil wells near Bungendore, Braidwood and our other regional townships.

Winners & Grinners
Gordon

The Captain stopped us playing the “ain’t it awful” game by calling for order and introducing our guest, Gerard Ryan. Paul Griffin told the Ted Evans memorial joke. The googly ball went to Pete Harrison for a 20 metre putt from off the green to birdie Short ‘n Sweet. The dummy spit became controversial when your correspondent attempted to move a motion restricting the award to events occurring on the course. Debated without resolution. NTP/LD ball winners were Tim Barter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon 2, Gerard Ryan, Pete Harrison and David Thompson. Winner of the juniors was Robert Thompson with 53 off the stick returning 25 after deducting handicap. The senior >20 handicap comp winner was Pete Harrison 40/27 from Vicki Still 40/28. Winner of the <20 handicap comp was Ken Gordon 33/29 from Tim Barter 36/31. Well done, everybody!

Next month’s comp will be the annual February Liver Rinse & Spin Dry Pennant. Unless otherwise advised, join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile think about this: Trump spelled backward could almost be a phonetic rendering of “peanut” if the M was an N. Yes, I know it’s a long bow but we shouldn’t overlook even the smallest clue.

Larry King, golfer

2020

December Competition Results

Sunday, 6 December. Good old Pfizer to the rescue! From the team that brought you Viagra comes the new anti-COVID vaccine. Let’s hope they don’t confuse the active ingredients. That would be enough to “stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood“ as Henry V said to the troops before the battle of Agincourt—according to my lifelong pal, Bill Shakers. Let’s move quickly along before your correspondent succumbs to the temptation of stringing together a whole pile of off-colour allusions to the affects of mixing up Viagra and COVID vaxx. We must think of the kiddies, bless ‘em, so let’s return to the wholesome subject of golf. It was of course the Wamboin GC Christmas Cup sponsored by Pete Harrison and Peter Greenwood and their many able assistants whom we thank for the sustenance and rewards. Play was to be scored on the perfidious Staple Foot system so, cursing and swearing, we went out into the wind tunnel of Wamboin. The wind’s affect on our mental well-being can be described only with graphic crudity so we’ll leave it there.

Long Grass

Back behind the wire as the captain marked our cards all the talk was of rodents, starting with the alleged rats in the ranks of the ADF. We expressed the fervent hope that the red stripes will pull the “all ahead full” lever on further action, otherwise the smell will linger on, giving our detractors more ammo. Which brought us to other rats and mice of the low moral ground: China and Russia. The “running dogs” of Ratputin—not to be confused with Rasputin, a gentleman by comparison—were the first to put in the boot but She Gin Sling’s Red Guards weren’t far behind. It took one back to the happy days of the Cultural Revolution, another of China’s generational fusterclucks. Let’s hope She tires of riding around in the back of a Jeep standing behind 27 microphones, and remembers what Deng Xiaoping said of the Gang of Four (look it up). We discussed the impact of all this on our Australian Chinese, many of whom have been here for five generations. And Chinese students and visitors who no doubt have their own thoughts about this current run-in with the PRC.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called us to order by introducing our guests, Trish and Michael Zebel, Mia Cullen, Ken Gordon’s parents newly-released from Queensland, Will and Liz Kania and Leonard and Mary Lou Skinnerd all the way from Alabama. Your correspondent told the Ted Evans memorial joke.

The googly ball went to Col Urquhart for losing six golf balls. The dummy spit was awarded to Phoebe Beckett for complaining after being struck on the leg by someone else's ball (gee, that’s tough). LD and NTP ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Kyle Griffin 2, Pete Harrison 2, John Whitney 2, Vicki Still and Paul Griffin.

Winners

The junior comp winner was Phoebe Beckett with 14 Stableford points from Robert Thompson 13. The senior nine hole comp was won by Ken Gordon 21 OCB from Lofty Mason with John Whitney 19 in 3rd place (OCB Lisa). Victorious in the senior 18 hole comp was Keith France 39 OCB from Glen Crafter followed into 3rd by Kyle Griffin 38. Well-played all, considering the howling gale.

Next month, January to be precise, will fall in a new year, 2021 to be even more preciser. Surely it’ll be better than the horror we’ve just experienced? The best way to start is to join us at 1.45pm at the community hall on Sunday 3 January when we kick off the year at 2pm with the traditional New Year’s Resolution Medal event played over ten (10) holes with three (3) clubs. Meanwhile be careful of the Russian anti-COVID vaccine. I’m informed that the active ingredient is Novichok which will certainly zap the virus if you can handle the side effects. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Via con Dios.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The 35th Wamboin Open

Sunday, 1 November. So the Donald is immune from the plague and could have played in the 35th Wamboin Open. Well I guess that’s good news for the old fraud and those around him. Your correspondent’s call is that it didn’t come cheap. That Regeneron stuff costs an arm and a leg. And then there are the seven young guys in white coats tending to him (possibly doctors or Mormons like Howard Hughes had in his degenerative period). It all adds up to a pile of folding money that Dick Fosbury couldn’t ‘flop’ over. But it made POTUS look like he was on Love Potion No. 9 so I want some of it too. Professor Google tells me I can make Regeneron at home. The recipe’s straightforward but don’t forget to sign an Enduring Power of Attorney. Your correspondent required only a sniff of the stuff to play out of his skin in the 35th Wamboin Open, sponsored by the Wamboin Country Golf Club whom we thank for the prizes and finger food arranged by the Gordons and the Masons. Organisers were impressed by the number of entrants for the club’s marquee event despite the course being under water.

Weepers Drive title=

Back in the tally room, as we removed our wetsuits and flippers and the captain did the sums, the talk was of politics in general and elections in particular. It was good to see our state member and leader of the NSW Country Party, feisty Jack Barrelo (Porky, to his friends) back from leave to carry on his good work in Macquarie Street. No doubt a period of quiet reflection has convinced him to encourage his colleagues to tone down their attack on those pesky koalas, clearing of useless, fire-prone native vegetation, draining the Murray-Darling basin, giving a leg up to down-trodden developers and redistributing taxes to worthy electorally-sensitive causes. Our Glad, the Premier, would be happy to see him back. It could shift the focus from her erstwhile boyfriend, Jerry Maguire or Happy Gilmore or Deuce Bigalow. The only surprise in the ACT poll was the swing to the Greens. Look out for more pedal-powered trams. As expected, the harridanish Annerstakia (Nark of the North) got up in Queensland – a pity, considering her shabby refusal to allow our Raiders to fly in early to prepare for the NRL semi final v the Storm. We wished that nice Mr Trump well in his quest for re-election in the US but nice guys often finish last, so they say.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests, David Whitney (brother of John), Matt Hawke (new resident) and Jerry and Estelle Mander from Queensland (where else?). Pete Harrison told the memorial Ted Evans joke. Later that night the googly ball was awarded to Huey for sending it down in bucketfuls. Your correspondent got the dummy spit for pointing out the temperamental failings in others. LD/NTB ball winners were Alex Gordon, Colin Urquhart, Tim Barter 2, Ken Gordon, Glen Crafter, Vicki Still 2, Pete Harrison and Nev Schroder.

Winners

2020 junior champion was Alex Gordon 51/34 in his last year as a junior. He’ll find out that up in the seniors it’s a body contact sport. Encouragement awards for juniors went to Madison Gordon and Phoebe Beckett. Winners of the 2020 Eclectic were Ken Gordon (9 holes) and Tim Barter (18 holes). We now come to the 2020 handicap division. Winner over 9 holes was Lofty Mason 49/35 from runner-up Deb Gordon 59/37 and Larry King 62/45 3rd place. Winner over 18 holes was John Whitney 80/64 from Keith France 82/69 and Glen Crafter 85/71. The crowd then became silent as the captain, orb and mace in hand, mounted the rostrum to announce the names of the Wamboin 2020 Open Champions. They are: 2020 women’s open champion (18 holes) Vicki Still 104/81; 2020 women’s open champion (9 holes) Joan Mason 56/44. 2020 men’s open champion (18 holes) Tim Barter 80/72; 2020 men’s open champion (9 holes) Ken Gordon 43/39.

The Assembled Participants

Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who took part. Those who were unplaced in the comp were given a bottle of wine or a tomato plant. We gave the captain a bottle of whiskey for his good work over a long period.

Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 December for the Christmas Medal, pursuit of which will kick off at 12.30pm on the dot. Meanwhile we must continue to live with the virus and be wary of it. Keep your distance, wash your hands and wear your mask. You don’t want it and you don’t want to pass it on to friends, family and acquaintances. Remember the 10th Commandment: Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour’s wife – as advised by a prominent family lawyer.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

The Oktoberfest Medal

Sunday, 4 October. As I sit here in the beer hall reading my copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ and waiting for the putsch to begin my thoughts turn to the great dictators of our time. There’s Hitler, of course, the daddy of them all, only matched for body count by Stalin and Mao Zedong (no, not a salad dressing). Then we have Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin VC KCMG VSOP, Vlad the Poisoner , She Gin Sling and that popular chap in Belarus (judging by his election results – eat your heart out Donald). And we shouldn’t forget the home-grown despots such as the hard-hearted Annerstackia Palaskerzuck, Commissar of Queensland, a hermit state much like North Korea where Fat Boy Fat reigns supreme. Such are the thoughts that run through your correspondent’s alleged mind as he prepares to tee off in the Wamboin Oktoberfest Medal sponsored by Paul Griffin (airman), Tim Barter (sailor) and providores, Diana Griffin and Vicki Still whom we thank for the prizes and eats. Unfortunately they spoilt the day by scoring play on the diabolical Stableford system. Nevertheless it was a superb Spring afternoon enabling one to don shorts for the first time since June.

Teeing off on Panorama

Back in the beer hall while the captain did the tally we all marveled at the ineptitude of the various Rum Corps running some of the former colonies. Who decided to pay $27 million for a paddock near Penrith worth $3 million? Who decided to hire those top class private security guards to supervise Melbourne’s plague-ridden hordes? It can’t be too hard to find the culprits (unless you don’t want to). A wise friend said: “just follow the money”. Who signed the cheques and who authorized them to do so? Simples! Of course, the answer lies in parenthesis (ibid).

On the 'green' at Weeper's Drive'

But the good news was that it looks like top churchman, George Pell, was given back his old gig in Rome by Pope Frank. You can’t keep a good man down. The pity is that it came at the expense of poor old Cardinal Becciu, head of the Vatican’s canonization bureau, reportedly sacked for corruption. And I was so looking forward to becoming a saint! It is said he was directing work to his family. The Medici would be laughing their heads off.

Winners & Grinners
Tim, Pete & Paul

The captain introduced our guests, Rachel and Phil Moran and Unkle Kel. Libby King told the memorial Ted Evans joke. The googly ball went to Nev Schroder for printing score cards giving two holes the same index (I don’t understand it either). The dummy spit was passed round those who complained about the absence of LDs and NTBS on the Eastern nine and the captain for his cranky response. Lucky Western nine ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Tim Barter 2 and Vicki Still. Young Robert Thompson again won the junior nine hole event with Madison Gordon runner-up. Senior nine hole winner was Ken Gordon, 21 Stableford points OCB from Lofty Mason also 21. Victorious in the 18 hole event was Pete Harrison 40 from David Bailey 31.

In November we will be holding the year’s marquee event, the 35th Wamboin Open. Join us in a physically distanced way at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 November for the 12.30pm shotgun start. Meanwhile spare a thought for those poor deluded supporters of President Donald S Trumpet trying to come to terms with the reality that their hero has caught the disease that didn’t exist or was “fake news” or was under control or could be cured by taking malaria pills or drinking Drano.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

The Mason Spring Trophy

Sunday 6 September. The other day my old school mate, Percy Shelley, accosted me outside the Lake George and, without preamble, declaimed as follows: “When Winter comes can Spring be far behind?”

Now I don’t know about you but that struck me as a blinding flash of the obvious. So not to be outdone I riposted thus: “Spring has sprung, the grass has risen and we’re doing ‘bird’ in a COVID prison”. I was particularly proud of ‘bird’ which echoed the avian reference in the second line of the original couplet. I pointed this out to Bysshe—that’s what we called him at school—but all he said was “truth and beauty are catterel damage in doggerel poetry”, and sauntered off.

He’s right of course. His own elegant enquiry expresses a yearning for a better time when the earth, gently fanned by fragrant zephyrs, bursts with renewed fecundity. It is also an allegory of our own yearning to be rid of the pestilence now assailing our world.

Teeing off on Finn's Spotties'

And so we rejoice in the coming of Spring and its great harbinger the R&A Wamboin GC Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason. We thank them both for the prizes and the food, especially Joan's legendary Spring Rolls. The trophy, which features two pram springs, would ornament any pool room, mantle piece or cistern.

On the tee at Weeper's Drive'

The day’s play was a three-club Stableford. And so the lusty golfers of the region mounted their unicorns, and singing ‘Nymphs and Shepherds Come Away”, dashed into the abundant fertility and tumbling rivers, creeks, cascades and waterfalls of a Wamboin Spring.

Back at camp, as the captain sorted out the untruths from the equivocations, we assessed well-fed Treasurer Rogan Josh Friesanburger’s efforts to bring the economy back from the dead. We agreed it was a noble cause. Based on figures promptly provided from memory by live-wire Aged Care Minister, Dicky Colbeck, COVID infections, recoveries and deaths are each statistically insignificant relative to population. On the other hand, real unemployment, currently greater than 10% of the workforce (and climbing), is a statistically significant result of the persistent decline of GDP over two quarters, otherwise known as a recession. There is nothing insignificant about dying alone, either for the fatally infected or their excluded, grieving families. But neither should the country die of attrition with all its terrible consequences. Without a productive sector earning income (to consume), save (so that others may invest) and pay taxes (so the public sector can continue its work) the economy (i.e. all of us) is headed for the S bend. We agreed to cut the civil authority some slack as it went about its business of solving intractable problems.

The captain introduced our guests Kyle Griffin, scion of a local golfing family, Monty Verdi, Bywong handyman (“If it ain’t Baroque don’t fix it”) and Will Kanya from out West. Victoria Still (an allegory for the lockdown state?) told the Ted Evans memorial joke.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Kyle Griffin for a drive from the tee at Pine Slice which nearly flat-lined Pete Harrison playing on the next fairway (Short ‘n Sweet). Kyle was also awarded the dummy spit for disputing the reprimand for not calling “fore!” Your correspondent got the encouragement award (long, boring story).

Lofty, Paul & Joan

NTP and LD ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Vicki Still 2, Keith France 2, Joan Mason, Kyle Griffin, Tim Barter and Colin Urquhart. First across the line in the junior nine hole comp was the diminutive but talented Robert Thompson with 22 Stableford points from runner-up on 18 points, “Big Al” Gordon (his parents live in fear of another growth spurt). The family theme continued in the senior nine hole comp with Ken Gordon in the winner’s circle on 18 from Deb Gordon on 16. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 41 from that other burglar, Colin Urquhart 39. Paul also won the Spring Trophy and gets to keep the Ned Kelly award, the burglar’s highest accolade.

Next month is October. So bring your beer steins to the community hall on Bingley Way at 12 .15 pm on Sunday, 4 October. We’ll kick off at 12.30pm sharp. Physical distancing will be observed. Meanwhile let’s hope that Scomo and Rogan Josh can get the states to forget their AAA credit ratings and share the heavy fiscal lifting to kick the economy along. Those premiers are all closer than a dead heat.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Tradies' Day

Sunday, 2 August. Your correspondent, like many in Wamboin, moonlights as a rock farmer. In Spring they fairly jump out of the ground if you give them a good fertilizing in Winter. I favour superphosphate but it’s difficult to distribute evenly by simply casting from a bucket. So there I was driving down the Barton Highway (carefully avoiding all those poor women giving birth on the roadside) to a clearance sale near Binalong. I was after a piece of equipment I couldn’t get at Bunnings—well, not since they threw me out when I stood up for my rights as an individual by refusing to wear a mask and videoing their unconstitutional behaviour.

I realized my driver’s licence had expired when I was pulled over by the police for almost hitting a midwife delivering a baby just outside Murrumbateman. The next day, after a brief appearance in Queanbeyan District Court, I went into the Service NSW office to renew my licence but because of physical distancing they recommended I do it online or by phone. Well of course I had my mobile so I sat in the car and made the call. A nice young man took my details and the rest of the conversation went something like this:

Nice young man: I notice you must wear glasses when driving.

Me: That’s correct.

NYM: It’s been ten years since you renewed your licence, sir. You’ll have to do the eye test.

Me: OK let’s do it.

NYM: I’m not sure it can be done over the phone.

Me: It can’t be that hard. Let’s give it a go.

NYM: Alright, sir. I’ll just put up the eye chart and you read the lowest line you can.

Me: I can’t see the eye chart.

NYM: Maybe you shouldn’t be driving at all, sir.

Me: I mean over the phone. Tell you what; we’ll do the third line from the bottom. You start me off with the first letter.

NYM: OK. It’s D.

Me: D.

NYM: Very good, sir. Next please.

Me: Give me a clue.

NYM: Think of the road sign as you approach the intersection of Norton and Bungendore Roads.

Me: T?

NYM: Very good, sir. Now try the first letter of a source of energy despised by all Greens

Me: That’d be uranium. U.

NYM: Excellent, sir. The next letter looks a bit like the number two.

Me: Too easy (pardon the pun). That’s Z.

NYM: Nothing wrong with your eyes, sir. The last one’s a bit tricky. Think of the colour of the sea off Mollymook towards the end of an overcast day.

Me: Been there and seen it. The answer’s grey so the letter is G.

NYM: Well done, sir! Are you sure you were wearing your glasses?

Me: Yes, but I could have done it with my eyes shut.

And the rest was just paying by credit card, the details of which I won’t reveal if you don’t mind.

Saddle Up

Now what about the golf? It was Tradies Day so it was all high viz and utes with cattle dogs and chequer plate compartments full of other things that bite if you pick them up by the wrong end. We thank our sponsors, all members of the skilled trades, for the eats and prizes.

Back at the workshop, as the captain did the tally, we stood around (some outside) singing tradie-type songs made famous by Slim Dusty, Chisel, ZZ Top and the Charlie Daniels Band. Lofty Mason told the Ted Evans memorial joke.

Winners & Grinners
Tim

The googly ball went to Vicki Still for quite accidently hitting Tim Barter with a two-iron. The dummy spit went to Tim for needlessly exaggerating a minor injury. Encouragement awardees were Alex Gordon, Robert Thompson and Phoebe Beckett. The junior comp was won by Madison Gordon. The senior nine holers comp winner was David Thompson 47/27 from Deb Gordon 55/36 with Ken Gordon in 3rd place on 41/37. Victory in the 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 72/63 OCB from Matt O’Brien 101/63 (two new knees and a Ned Kelly handicap) with Pete Harrison 91/64 3rd.

Next month it will be Spring when my rocks will be at their zenith. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 September for the 12.30pm start of the annual Wamboin GC Spring Trophy.

Meanwhile, more about that clearance sale in Binalong where I had better luck than my abortive trip to Bunnings. I found just the implement I was after but the placard didn’t have a lot number. So I picked it up and went in search of the Elders desk (the stock and station agents, not Colin and Anne). Would you believe it, as I walked around the paddock I noticed that people were falling over themselves to avoid me. Indeed, some ran away screaming. The penny finally dropped when I realized the placard read “super spreader”.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The Ted Evans Memorial GST Handicap

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 July. My old cobber, Tommy Gray, said to me the other day “Larry, old sport, mark my words: for all that beauty or that wealth e’er gave, the paths of glory lead but to the grave.” I said “buck up, Tommy, you’re just a bit down because the Royal’s closed”. Then, around the corner comes my pal T S Eliot with a long face, and pointing to his arms he says “these arms are not wings to fly but merely vans to beat the air.” To which I replied “Kombi Vans or Transit Vans?” But he declined to play along and just shuffled off. Which all goes to show how much the plague and its corollaries such as lock down, isolation, economic hardship and a mendicant society are getting on our nerves. And just as we thought we had it by the throat it pops up again south of the border. (Those bloody Mexicans. We should build a wall.) Then there’s all the “special pleaders” with their hands out for more and the opportunists urging governments that now is the time to invest in their cockamamie schemes to save the nation. Meanwhile the few elected democracies in the world are being surrounded by dictatorships, autocracies, oligarchies and countries you don’t want to visit, much less live in, where the citizens are fighting over the meagre and diminishing resources of their sand-blasted and disease-ridden homelands. Fortunately America, the acknowledged leader of the free world, has stepped up to the plate. Oops! I’ll read that again. Unfortunately America is in the hands of a person with the IQ of a gold fish, the personality of a dish cloth, the vocabulary of a sulphur-crested cocky, the ethical code of a rattle snake and the vision of Mr Magoo. And Pooty’s now President-for-Life of the good old USSR. Now hasn’t all that cheered you up!

Lambert'sLeap

But as Dr Spooner said, golf wounds all heels. Being July, competition was for the Ted Evans Memorial GST Trophy (add 10% to your score just like Ted did to your consumption). We thank our sponsor, Jude Evans for the prizes and refreshments. It was the first day back after lockdown. The Hall was open and spirits were high. Observing strict physical distancing the goodly crowd hit the course singing songs of comfort and joy.

Afterwards, back in our beloved Hall (some had to take their turn standing outside) the captain tried to call us to order but could not be understood through his mask. Eventually, with the assistance of an Auslan interpreter, he got the show on the road.

Winners & Grinners
COVIDSafe

The googly ball went to your correspondent who related an anecdote concerning our late friend, Ted. The dummy spit award was passed around: although there had been many displays of temperament there were no actual tantrums to speak of. The junior comp was taken out by Robert Thompson 70/36. The winner of the senior nine hole comp was Colin Urquhart 42/29 from Nev Schroder 38/31. Colin handed the Ned Kelly trophy over to Tim Barter but maybe should have hung onto it. Victor of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/64 OCB from Vicki Still 87/64. Welcome back folks!

Next month is August, named after Augustus Caesar, so we’ll all be wearing togas. Join us in your Roman apparel plus laurel wreath for a Bacchanalia of a golf day. Don’t forget: 12.15pm sign in; 12.30pm start. Come late and you will be cast from the Tarpeian Rock. In the interim, congratulations to the lady from Bega, our new MP for Eden-Monaro. At time of writing it’s still an arm wrestle between Fiona McBain and Kristy Kotvojs. Whatever the outcome, let’s hope the winner looks after the great QPR and its regional capital, Wamboin.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Silverwater Correctional Centre, Sydney, Sunday, 7 June. Your correspondent enjoyed a short but exciting ride until they got him. I’m pleading temporary insanity: all that Covid 19 largesse dangled before me disturbed the balance of my mind. First it was the JobKeeper subsidy. As a self-employed pseudo journalist I applied for it after my gig at the Weekly became redundant (I’ve just been re-engaged by the Independent). Then, as a redundant employee of my own company, I put my name down for the JobSeeker allowance (well, why not?). As the money began rolling in I lost my sense of proportion and successfully sought the cash flow grant for small business, an advance on a superannuation policy I didn’t have, as well as grants from the Public Interest News-gathering program for regional areas and the ACT’s Homefront Arts Funding package. I think I went too far in getting a loan from Westpac and immediately applying for compassionate deferral of repayments. By that time I was working two jobs in the APS, one at Services Australia and one at the ATO, both created to handle the increased demand from applicants for various financial support schemes. At Services Australia I worked in the fraud section and was lucky enough to be given my own file to chase up. I figured it was time to pull the pin so I cashed out and stowed away aboard the Ruby Princess just as she was leaving Port Kembla. However, be sure your sins will find you out. When the ship pulled into Bora Bora I was arrested by two AFP officers and here I am on remand in the infirmary at Siverwater. You guessed it: I caught the damn virus on the damn boat. I’ll be out of isolation by the time my case comes up in July when I will be represented by Cleaver Greene.

Watergate

Meanwhile the lucky devils are back playing golf at Wamboin. Although the hall is still closed we held the 19th outside the machinery shed adjacent to the green on Lamberts Leap, the home or the Covid 19 Bridge. While the captain did the tally we marveled at his suggested “improvements” to the bridge and appurtenant works. Yes, he’s a qualified civil engineer with some national infrastructure projects on his CV but do we really need hand rails, flood level indicators, signs that say “No Swimming, Diving or Fishing”, “No Passing or Overtaking”, “Children Under Adult Supervision”, “Do Not Feed the Troll”, a life saving ring on a pole with CPR instructions, emergency phone numbers, security lighting, seating both sides, landscaping and a hot dog stall? Finn's SpottiesNo we don’t. We do need to thank those who pulled the day together at short notice: Lofty Mason (kick starter and fluid loss adjusters), Steve Lambert (venue and prizes), Joan Mason and Libby King (food). Despite all, we had a fair-sized crowd who meticulously observed social distancing. It was particularly encouraging to see Jude Evans.

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Steve

After your correspondent phoned-in the Ted Evans Memorial Joke the googly ball and the dummy spit went to Colin Urquhart for missing his wife’s birthday. Winner of the nine hole event was Joan “I played very well today” Mason 43/32 OCB from Nev Schroder 39/32 with Lofty Mason 49/36 in 3rd place. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim “Hangover” Barter 74/65 equaling the course record and showing that you can play good golf with a furry tongue. Runner-up was Paul Griffin 83/67 from Colin Urquhart 100/74. Join us inside or outside the community hall on Sunday 5 July for another exciting exercise in mind over matter. We sign in at 12.15pm and tee off at 12.30pm. You don’t have to be a great golfer to have fun. As Tim has demonstrated you can still play on three cylinders and a flat tyre.

Larry King, golfer

May Golf Report

The [could have been] Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

COVID Bridge

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 May. An upside of the loneliness of the long distance corona virus is the stuff you can accomplish around the property in isolation. Let’s say you’re the proud owner and green keeper of four new golf holes, one of which has a deep gully between the tee and the green. What does this suggest? Of course, a bridge! And so it came to pass that Steve Lambert, member of the R&A Wamboin GC, set about the Herculean task of bridging Lambert’s Leap (hole 18, par 4). Please see the photo of the Covid 19 Bridge.

I know what you’re thinking: Ponte Vecchio, Millau Viaduct, and the old Sydney Coathanger. It is a sobering thought that in centuries to come archeologists will be propounding theories on how it was constructed—no doubt by thousands of slave labourers—using only the rude instruments and measurement of the 21st century. Drawings found at the site suggest to your correspondent that the basic unit of calibration was the cubit—the length of the forearm from elbow to fingertip or approximately 44cm. Had the more generous covid—two arms lengths, approx 1.5 metres—been used there would have been a wider span higher up the gully. But these things happen—that tower in Pisa didn’t decide to lean all by itself. The bridge will have its official opening when the plague passes and we are again able to gather. The club would like to hear from any members of the De Groot family who might be prepared to cut the ribbon.

Meanwhile, as I shoot up on disinfectant recommended by my old mate Donald Strumpet, I am mindful of his equally apposite advice re the spread of the virus. Like you, I listen very carefully to his fact-laden press conferences and was particularly impressed by the assertion that China couldn’t be blamed entirely for the proliferation (already well under control) of an innocent little concoction circulating within parochial Wuhan. When asked directly by the annoying CNN reporter “if not China, then who?” The Prez responded in his open, direct way ”correct! WHO!” (Not to be confused with The Who or Hu Jintao—look him up.) I thought to myself: POTUS is on to something. WHO has form. Remember WHO killed Roger Rabbit? (They probably did it with myxo.) Anyway, I’m with ScoMo. There ought to be an inquiry. At least it’ll help the struggling legal profession.

Now, if I may change the subject (and, of course, I may—you’re not here to stop me) our cancelled competition would have been held two days before the anniversary of a most significant day in the march of civilisation. 5 May 1789 marks the beginning of Modern History. Why? The French Revolution, that’s why. Over the course of the following ten years the foundations were laid—somewhat bloodily, I acknowledge—for legal, political and social reforms which those of us lucky enough to be living in countries such as ours tend to take for granted. It was, admittedly, bad luck for Louis XVI and his cake-scoffing consort but you and I haven’t done too badly out of it. So think about it while you’re isolating and maybe sing the famous barricade song (‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’) from ‘Les Miz’.

And if gatherings of more than two are permitted in June, join us at the Community Hall on Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 June for a game of golf, a sport introduced to Scotland by Mary, Queen of Scots upon her return from France—according to the French.

Larry King, once was golfer

April Golf Report

The [was to be] Wamboin Mini Masters

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 April. Your correspondent is in a bit of a spin. Here he is at home, self-oscillating. Also self-isolating, social-distancing, hand-washing, mask-wearing and all that. What’s inducing the mood swings is the sheer bloody dreariness of it all. In the early days of the pandemic it was exciting: going around all the supermarkets, panic buying, hoarding stuff, elbowing pensioners aside, and playing the frail aged off the hip. Happy days! I’ve got enough toilet paper, kitchen paper and tissues to insulate a three-bay machinery shed. But now, utter boredom! And the word is they’ve cancelled the Masters! Not only that paltry effort in the US but also the Wamboin Mini Masters. So here I am like my close personal friend, Samuel Pepys, writing in my diary about a great plague ringing changes to the world as we knew it.

All Done(y)

Excuse me, it’s 3pm. Time to scratch myself (who said I was lazy). I really look forward to these little highlights of my days in hibernation. Now where was I? Ah yes, great changes in life. But it’s good to know that COVID-19 is even-handed and impartial. It attacks the great and small without discrimination. In the UK Charley and Boris have got it. (I hope the Groom of the Stool has access to sufficient toilet paper.) I am attracted to the advice Boris was getting from his CMO: let the virus run wild through the population to generate “herd immunity”—over 70s to be quarantined in the interim. It would be quicker but produce more fatalities which raises moral issues for the squeamish. Nevertheless it would thin the ranks of those pesky baby boomers who will spend the best part of the next 20 years bludging on later generations. However your correspondent is a committed moralist (two years in Callan Park), and believes we should support the civil authority in times of crisis. I therefore go along with “flattening the curve” despite the mounting cost. It is a melancholy reflection that no Australian alive today is ever again likely to see a balanced federal budget. But if it stops us fighting in the streets that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

Saddle Up

If this really was a golf report the googly ball would go to Donald Strumpet who, like the excessively cheerful Pollyanna, continues to predict an early resumption of business as usual. The dummy spit would go to the whingeing cruise ship passengers quarantined—for free—in five star hotels without having to worry about where their next four course meal is coming from.

If the stars align you may consider joining us at the community hall on Sunday, 3 May for a game of golf. Meanwhile I hope you are safe, well and employed or at least benefitting from the various economic safety nets like JobKeeper. I’m OK (thanks for asking). As a reporter for a respected regional newspaper I’m in an “essential occupation”. In fact, SB-J has promised to double my ages.

Larry King, hermit

March Competition Results

Pine Slice

Sunday, 1 March. So there’s your correspondent, enjoying the Captain Cook Cruises trip around the islands—Goat Island, Shark Island, Cockatoo Island, Clark Island and Pinchgut Island—when a terrible thirst overcomes him. He breasts the bar and says to the Mexican bar attendant in as much Spanish as he can muster “uno Corona beerus por favor, and hold the lemon”. She jumps overboard screaming as a SWAT team of paramedics in full Hazmat gear throw him to the deck and whisk him off to isolation on Gilligan’s Island out in the Timor Sea or the Arafura or wherever. So that is why this report comes to you from Mahogany Ridge, relying upon the truth-telling citizens of the Palerang. The day was sponsored by Deb and Ken Gordon whom we thank for the refreshments and prizes. They nominated a comp determined by stroke play. And so players mounted their iron horses and galloped off into the green-tinged Wamboin panorama.

Champagne Gully

Back at the Hall we rhapsodized at the changes wrought in the natural world by the waning fires, the dissipating smoke and the soaking rains. We congratulated ourselves on having dodged the bullet (this time) as we thought compassionately of those who hadn’t. We lapsed whimsical on the ironies of fate and how fear of the burning of the South Eastern seaboard was replaced by the pandemic of COVID-19. (What happened to the other 18, eh?) And in that melancholy mood, conversation turned to the disappearance of Holden. I have to say that, although I never miss the Wheels of Wamboin, I’m not what you’d call a motorhead. So when I got home I dug out my old worm-ridden copy of Catcher in the Rye to see if Holden was still there. And of course he was. And so it will be for the millions of fans of the mighty Australian marque. Memories linger on.

Winners & Grinners

The captain, having marshalled the crowd in stentorian terms, introduced our guests, Don Izetti, Ross Ini and Belle Canto all the way from Naples. Apologies were received from Ted Evans.

Mads & Phoebe

The googly ball went to your correspondent in recognition of his absence on handicap maintenance. You can guess who got the dummy spit: yes, it’s still Vicki (anger management isn’t working). Encouragement awards went to Mads Gordon and Lemily, a first time golfer. LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still 3, Paul Griffin, Pete Harrison, Glen Crafter and Ken Gordon.

Phoebe Beckett won the junior comp 71/31. Winner of the seniors nine hole comp was Lofty Mason 46/33, from Joan Mason 45/34 with Samuel Urquhart 52/37 in 3rd place. The 18 hole comp winner was Tim Barter 76/67 from Vicki Still 90/68 OCB from Paul Griffin 83/68.

Next month is the Masters. I mean the Wamboin Mini Masters sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association. Join us at 12.15pm at the Community Hall for the usual prompt 12.30pm kick-off. And the next time somebody says to you “it is what it is” you look down the twin barrels of your nose and reply “and it isn’t what it isn’t “. It means the same thing: bugger-all!

Larry King, golfer.

February Competition Results

Sunday, 3 February. “Now is the Summer of our discontent” as my old chum Richard III would have so adroitly put it. Drought, fire, tempest, hail, dust and pestilence (coronavirus). And let’s not forget the elephant smoking Cuban cigars in the corner, the planetary climate. Those Four Horsemen of the Acropolis are at it again! So I’ll just say I hope you’re safe from the fires and their aftermath as you read this. Your correspondent has been busy preparing the Upper Wamboin Mosquito Firefighting Unit as he worries about the future for poor old Harry and Mehghanh (can’t remember where the “h” goes). I hope they’re not reduced to busking in a draughty Montreal subway.

The day was sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. It was also hot (but you knew that) so many players started at around 7am to beat the worst of the heat.

Panorama

Afterwards we reassembled at the evacuation centre, and expressed our regret at the passing of Jim Morrison, front man for The Doors. It’s not well-known that Jim multi-tasked as director of our ANG and was instrumental in the purchase of “Jack the Dripper” Pollack’s Blue Piles. (What other kind are there?) We also bemoaned the rough treatment meted out to the federal agriculture minister, Bridie McNaughty, for her top class work as former sports minister. We thought a person who can recognize a pork barrel when they see it is a lay-down misère for promotion to the portfolio responsible for animal husbandry.

In light of the reappearance of the hardy annual debate about Australia Day, the flag and the anthem, we exercised the collective mind to solve all three conundrums. The date was easy: 21 June, Lionel Rose’s birthday. You just can’t go past the first indigenous Australian to win a world boxing title and to be named Australian of the year. In later life he was a successful businessman and all-round good bloke, by all accounts. The flag’s a “gimme”: a green Qantas kangaroo on a gold background. The song was tougher and, to be honest, I don’t think we cracked it. There was a lot of support for “Jail Break” by ACDC, reflecting whitefellas’ convict past but of different significance to blackfellas. “We are One but We are Many “was thought to appeal only to wet, woke, inner-city greenies. We flatly rejected “Take your feet off the table, father, and give the cheese a chance” and “ If I had to do it all over again I’d do it all over you” as lacking the necessary gravitas. We settled on the Marseillaise. Yes, I know it’s already taken but it’s a damn good song and can get you a round of applause at the Tres Bon.

Winners & Grinners
Wise?

The captain brought us to order by introducing the three wise monkeys, one of which (Tim the Elder) was genuinely hard of hearing.

The googly ball went to Barnaby Joyce for having another go at running the Country Party. But, as Alice Roosevelt said, a soufflé can’t rise twice. The dummy spit was awarded to the team of Tim “Battling” Barter and Vicki ”Moonshine” Still, who were at it again, so we sent them off for counselling.

Nev & Steve

Encouragement awards went to Phoebe Beckett and the young Gordons (and the medal of valour to Deb). Robert Thompson won the junior comp from runner-up, Tim Nelson. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Steve Lambert 42/30 from Ken Gordon 38/34. Victor in the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 85/70 with Tim Barter 2nd 83/71.

On Sunday, 1 March you may wish to join us at the hall at 12.15pm for the dependable 12.30pm start of the Mad March Hare Medal. Meanwhile, think this one through: will we exhaust the strength of the Sun’s rays by the over-use of solar energy? And if so could that spell doom for wind and tidal power which, in essence, are created by the Sun? And if so, what’s left? First neatest, legible entry wins a self-paid-all-expenses holiday at a beachside retreat in Kiribati.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 5 January. A mild Summer’s day, 25°C with a consolatory breeze coming in from the NW at a steady 15 clicks. The 120mm of rain over the previous week had washed out the smoke as it filled tanks, topped up depleted dams and generally gave new life to the parched earth and its unique and variegated flora and fauna. The golfers of the region, revitalized by the benign turn in the climate, sang like the larks in Spring as they set off into the fresh and verdant landscape garden we call Wamboin knowing that, like Candide, we live in the best of all possible worlds. Sure, the US Senate had failed to convict impeached Prez D Strumpet but the man himself, with his usual self-effacing modesty and respect for tradition, had voluntarily resigned making way for the much-admired Abraham Lincoln. Our own SkocoMo had returned refreshed from an extended family holiday on Devil’s Island to capably retake the reins. He thanked the charismatic acting PM (whose name your correspondent may recall in the fullness of time), for his competent interim management of government affairs including his ubiquitous and empathetic handling of the national emergencies. Former Nats leader, Inspector Barnaby, got his new year’s wish granted—“I just don’t want the Government any more in my life!”—when the government cancelled all subsidies, bounties and tax deductions for primary producers. Farmers and graziers thanked him with tears of gratitude (or something) streaming from their eyes.

Saddle Up

And then I woke up. Turned out it was, in fact, a coolish day. But the sun was red and the throat-scorching smoke as thick as a fog on a Winter’s morning. So rule 579 kicked in: start time arbitrary and only nine holes played. The day was sponsored by Wiyagiba Trading and we thank Dave Hubbard for the prizes. Or we would if he’d turned up. Instead he was trapped at Fire Control marshalling tankers for the battle to our East. He made his mark though, by declaring a three-club Stableford competition. So it was Lofty and Joan Mason to the rescue, for which they earn our gratitude.

Where it lay

Back in the fog machine, as the captain tried to decipher the smoky score cards, we expressed our admiration for the way the media (other than, of course, the Weekly) were bolstering the nation’s confidence in the civil authority by putting the slipper into poor old ScoMo and his talent-rich cabinet at every opportunity. We wondered if anything worthwhile could emerge from the present adversity. Then we remembered those good ol’ one-trick-ponies down at the Reserve Bank using the blunt instrument of monetary policy to kick the economy along by dynamiting interest rates (“it didn’t work, let’s do it again”). Looks like Guv Low will get his wish and Treasurer Friesanburger will blow the surplus on fiscal measures to rebuild infrastructure and peoples’ lives. Anyway, let’s hope so.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests, Brenda Barnard all the way from the UK, Alan, Maureen and Lorraine Schroder from Adelaide and Scott and Lila Mason from Cairns. Ted Evans told us why he could be a bit late. Pete Harrison got the googly ball for insisting on playing his shot where it lay on the fire brigade’s wire mesh hose-drying rack (see photo). Your correspondent was unfairly awarded the dummy spit for his good manners in informing his golfing partners of his playing intentions (i.e. DNP).

Joan & Lila

The encouragement award went to Phoebe Beckett. There were no LD or NTP balls awarded due to the slackness of the green keepers. Winner of the junior comp was Lila Mason on a count back. Winner of the senior comp was Samuel Urquhart (now officially a senior) with 19 Stableford points on a count back from Tim Barter with Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 17. Well played, one and all.

Next month is February. My, hasn’t the year flown past! Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 February for the usual 12.30pm start to a spirit-lifting game of golf. Meanwhile keep safe and watch your neighbour’s back.

Larry King, golfer

2019

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup

Pine Slice

Sunday, 1 December. And did the wind blow! Some of our smaller golfers were carried away like Dorothy and Toto and we haven’t found them yet. The hurricane thinned the field for the Christmas Cup, some scuttling for home, others never having left it. Pikers, I say! Pikers! Wait ‘til Santa hears. Your correspondent, temporarily disabled by a slightly chipped finger nail, was forced to sit the gale out in front of the 2nd test v Pakistan but struggled gamely to make the 19th hole—hence this deadly accurate account of the day’s play which was sponsored by a brace of Peter: Peter Greenwood and Pete Harrison. We thank them cordially for the prizes and refreshments. Competition was decided by stroke play adjusted for handicap.

Timber Trap

Back in the bunker as the captain toted the scores and the players rubbed feeling back into their pinched little wind-blown faces, sympathy was expressed for the late Cecil Rhodes, no doubt rotating in his mausoleum at the dumbing down of recipients of his famous scholarship to Oxford University. Think of the following Rhodes Scholars who come across as at least lacking judgement if not precisely dim witted: Tony Rabbit, Malcontent Turnbull and, lately, Anguish Tailor, minister for land clearing and sworn enemy of Crab Grass Moore, Lord Mayor of the Big Smoke. [Note to self: don’t forget to ring old mate NSW police commissioner to get the goss on what ScoGo Sharks wanted.] We then re-ran the Melbourne Cup. Your correspondent had engaged ALP luminaries, Craig Emerson and Jay Wetherill, to find out why he did his dough. Their report revealed (a) an uninspiring leader (the jockey); (b) bad policies (the horse); (c) inept campaign (horse ran the wrong way round the course). We then discussed what Chinese President-for-life, She Gin Sling, would do about Hong Kong. Answer: nothing. Shanghai can replace it as an entrepot port any day. And then we mourned the death of the remarkable Clive James.

Winners & Grinners
Pete & Vicki

The captain noted that Ted Evans was recovering in one of the ACTs many superb hospitals. We wish him well. The googly ball went to Col and Samuel Urquhart who played the wrong nine hole course despite the email advice to all golfers. The dummy spit was awarded to Pete Harrison for complaining about the lack of an Esky to greet players on the Wirreanda holes (I’d hate to be that desperate). Encouragement awards went to Makayla Millia, Phoebe Beckett, Robert Thompson and Tim Nelson. LD and NTP ball winners were the Urquhart boys as consolation for playing the wrong nine holes. The Urquhart family also retained the Ned Kelly Trophy, a masterpiece of the concreter’s art. Winner of the junior comp was Alex Gordon 53/34. Winner of the senior nine hole event was Ken Gordon 37/33 from David Thompson 53/36. First place getter in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 74/66 from Vicki Still 96/76. Apparently they “battled” their way around the course in every sense of that word. Well played all, you’re a credit to clean living!

Next month it will be 2020, the UN International Year of Excellent Vision and Extraordinary Hindsight. If you can see your way clear, why not join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 January for the usual 12.30pm blast off. Meanwhile spare a thought (and more) for former Wamboinians, Jake Annetts and Angela Hunter, who lost their house in the North Black Range fire. And remember that we, too, live in a fire prone area so make your plans and stay safe over the Summer.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The Wamboin Open

Sunday, 3 November. The day of the preeminent Wamboin Open, celebrated in ancient ballads and epic poetry. The assembled teeming masses were hushed by the news that competition would take place on a brand new course including four new holes—courtesy of the Lamberts—replacing those lost or reconfigured. As usual there would be two comps: the Open itself determined on gross strokes (that’s total, not nasty); and a handicap division. The day is sponsored by the R&A Wamboin GC which we thank for the prizes and provender—the latter arranged by Joan Mason and Libby King. The BOM promised rain but we ignored that (foolishly, as it transpired) and set forth in Summer raiment with a Spring still in our steps and Winter and Autumn nought but distant memories.

Wet Weepers

At the 19th we wrung ourselves out after the cloudburst while the captain did his slow and patient best to make sense of our sodden score cards. There was much to wonder at: the return of Sky Whale, a mobile work of art representing the fusion of the welfare state and the cargo cult; the violent death of the notorious Iraqi rapper, Bag Daddy; the defeat of the Angles, led by their King, Edward the Obsessive, at the Battle of Yokohama; the democracy consultations in Hong Kong which appear to be going awfully well; and the impeachment of that master of the art of the deal from the bottom of the pack, Donald Strumpet. This caused some confusion. Some thought that impeachment was a ritual observed each year at the Araluen Spring Festival when hippies are tossed into vats of fermenting stoned fruit. Their frame of mind on emerging depends on how stoned they were when they went in.

Winners & Grinners

Grinners

The captain called for order and half an hour later introduced our guests, Len Ivey, Tony “Echo” Dowdell, Ben Lomond, Ben Nevis and the hyper-active Ben Zadrine. The googly ball went to Mr Dowdell for hitting the only tree on the 8th fairway three times with three balls and three trees on the 9th with one ball. The dummy spit didn’t go to Vicki Still on this occasion but was perpetrated by Alex Gordon for complaining about the quality of the plastic tees provided gratis by the Club to all players. Ingrate! LD and NTP ball winners were Echo, Lofty Mason, Col Urquhart, Vicki Still (did I mention she didn’t spit the dummy?), Steve Lambert, Len Ivey and Ken Gordon. The junior champion was Robert Thompson. The encouragement award went to Lisa Whitney. Based on the careful calculations by Nev Schroder the 2019 Eclectic winners were Ken Gordon (9 holes) and Paul Griffin OCB (18 holes).

John & Deb

We now reveal the names of our club champions for 2019. The 9 hole handicap champion was Deb Gordon 52/34 from Lofty Mason 49/35 with Ken Gordon 40/36 in 3rd place. The 18 hole handicap champion was Vicki Still 87/67, demonstrating what is possible when the dummy remains unspat. Runner-up was Len Ivey 88/69 with Tim Barter 81/73 3rd. And now, quiet please as we announce the names of the 2019 club champions gross scores: Ladies champion (9 holes) Joan Mason 50 and club champion (18 holes) John Whitney 81. All who took part are to be congratulated for providing stiff competition. Well done!

Next month marks the end of the golfing year and features our Christmas Competition when we all sing carols and jingle our bells. Why not join us at 12.15pm at the community hall on Sunday, 1 December for the traditional 12.30pm start. Meanwhile I hope your choice of pet food did well in the Melbourne Steaks, the race that feeds a nation.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

The Oktoberfest Medal

Sunday, 6 October. By now even the sceptics reckon there’s something in the IPCC’s call on climate change. (Cynics think it’s a scam to sell more windmills and photo voltaic cells at the expense of our peerless fossil fuels.) The kids are convinced. Under the leadership of Ms Greta Thunberg they’re all giving up school, concerned that their childhood’s been stolen and they have no future. Your correspondent predicts a glittering future for Ms Thunberg in public life. Probably not in the performing arts—she appears to be a chronic over-actor and clearly unsuitable for those Scandi Noir movies pioneered by another famous Swede, Ingmar Bergman, where the cast stands around for 120 minutes gazing soulfully over windswept fjords and not saying much.

Hall NTP

Anyway, climate was very much on the minds of the region’s golfers as they saddled up on a hot—one might say unseasonably hot—day to contest the Oktoberfest Medal sponsored by Sir Kenneth and Lady Deborah Gordon to whom we direct prodigious thanks for the prizes and the eats (all cooked by Madz). The sponsors having declared the comp would be determined on stroke play, we loaded extra water and rations in the Bushmasters, ASLAVs and half-tracks and set off across the burning sands into the blue, thinking of T E Lawrence and his seven pillars of wisdom.

Chook Pen Drive

Back at Wadi 19 as the captain checked the cards, we asked ourselves whether scientists, in alerting us to the climate problem, had done only half the job. What about giving us the solution? And don’t just say “reduce greenhouse gas”. Tell us how to do it. Surely the people who gave us penicillin, the atom bomb, WD 40 and Post-it notes can find the answer? Here’s a few suggestions from the 19th hole: 1. an aerosol spray that returns carbon dioxide to its constituent parts. We breathe the oxygen and the carbon precipitates out as toasted marshmallows, rocky road and chocolate-coated peanuts. Note: avoid the use of CFCs as propellant; 2. All ocean-going vessels to drag sacrificial anodes which attract and eat plastics and burp oxygen; 3. Special Water Pills which produce H2O molecules in inverse proportion to their mass (just add water). Simples! It’s a wonder the pointy heads haven’t sorted this out. What’s the CSIRO for?

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Madz

The captain introduced our guest, local pyro technician, Stan Wellback. Ted Evans sent his best wishes from Queanbeyan. The googly ball was awarded to Joan Mason for providing the protective milk crates on the six tees at the Masonic Lodge. The dummy spit went to serial complainant, Vicki Still. The encouragement award was claimed by Karen Thompson – to encourage her to learn to score properly. The junior nine hole comp winner was Robert Thompson with 47 strokes off the stick for a net 32. LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter x 3, Vicki Still x 3, Joan Mason, Paul Griffin and Pete Harrison. The senior nine hole comp winner was Joan Mason 41/29 from David Thompson 63/31 and Larry King 3rd OCB 47/35. The senior 18 hole comp winner was Pete Harrison 87/60 from Vicki Still 83/61 and Tim Barter 3rd 71/63. Well done all players!

Next month is November, but those who went to school know that. The November comp is a special day in the Wamboin golfing calendar – it’s the Wamboin Open. Join us at the community hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 November to see if you can get your name on the honour board. Play will start at 12.30pm sharp.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

The Mason Spring Trophy

Sunday 1 September. First the Great Wamboin Curry Night, the Wamboin Fireworks then the Wamboin Spring Trophy. “Could it get better?” I hear you cry. Well, yes it could. But it didn’t.

Saddle Up

The region suffered the towering disappointment of a lost opportunity but your correspondent will get to that in due course. As in all things, golf takes precedence particularly in Spring when surly Winter’s bitterness is soothed as if by a lover’s breath. The birds of the air and the beasts of the field whirl and prance with joyous energy and Nature dons her multi-coloured raiment to trip the light fantastic up the lanes, through the hedges and down the dells. And each golfer of the region emerges from their chrysalis to contest the ancient trophy which features two genuine bed springs.

Wattle Grove

The occasion was sponsored as usual by Joan and Lofty Mason whom we thank for the prizes and the repast, especially Joan’s celebrated spring rolls. The sponsors declared a three-club day determined by stroke play. And thus, the nymphs and shepherds of the area darted off into the woods with a hey nonny nonny and other bucolic Spring-type sayings.

Back at Titania’s leafy bower, as Captain Oberon checked our cards, we gasped in awe at the thrilling news that POTUS Donald “Blow-Your-Own” Trumpet had made a bid for the Palerang part of the QPRC. I’ll give you some background. When Donnie was just an up-and-coming real estate agent he visited Wamboin where he formed a close attachment to a brushtail possum (trichosurus vulpecula). It now sits on his head everywhere he goes. He refers to it as the GOP (Grand Old Possum). It engendered an affection for the area and its prescient residents who saw in him a latent political genius of Lincolnesque proportions. Now he bestrides the world like a Colossus—as my old mate Bill Shakers puts it—building golf course resorts here and there. Imagine his delight when he remembered that Wamboin already has its very own PGA-rated 18 hole course! But our risk-averse council knocked it back. Did they learn nothing from the Greenland debacle?

Wiping tears of disappointment from his eyes the captain introduced our guests Lisa Whitney, Karen Thompson, Katie Urquhart, Nick Hewitt and Brigit McCloud. Apologies were accepted from Sue Narmee and Anne Droyd. Ted Evans lectured us on GP waiting room etiquette. Googly balls were awarded to your correspondent for losing more than two balls in the same dam and Nick Hewitt for losing his ball in the embers of the previous night’s bonfire.

Winners & Grinners

The encouragement award again went to Robert Thompson (the lad’s a prodigy). LD and NTP ball winners were Pete Harrison x 2, Ken Gordon x 2, John Whitney x 2, David Thompson, Paul Griffin, Lisa Whitney and Samuel Urquhart.

Winners

Junior comp winner was Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was John Whitney on 36 strokes reduced to 28 by handicap. Runner-up was Colin Urquhart 41/29. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 91/63 from Paul Griffin 81/67. A blessing on all who took part!

Next month’s comp will be for the Oktoberfest Medal. Pull out the old beer stein and lederhosen and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the accustomed and prompt 12.30pm start.

Please note, for your added security we are installing milk crates on every tee and green.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Tradies' Day

Sunday, 4 August. “One small step etc, etc…” But was that all Mr Armstrong said before stepping out onto the Moon’s surface? By no means! The Whisper has the full story courtesy of a NASA mole. But first the golf. It was a halcyon sort of day as the crowd mustered for the August Skilled Trades Spectacular sponsored by those dextrous people who solve technical problems, Trent Able (electrical) Don Evans (plumbing/gas fitting), Col Prest (automotive) and Henk Berlee (mechanical) whom we thank profusely for the rewards for effort and the bodily sustenance. Competition was to be settled by stroke play.

Pete

Singing Moon River and Blue Moon and so on, we climbed into our command modules and blasted off for the great unknown. Back at Mission Control, as the captain did the sums, your correspondent revealed to the astounded gathering, mouths agape, the scoop of the century i.e., what Neil really said. And here it is:

“Buzz, kill all external comms while I struggle into the damn back pack. It takes an age to get it over the space suit. Haven’t JPL heard of Velcro? OK here we go. Dammit! I can’t open the bloody door. Just wait until I see those idiots back at the Skunkworks. OK, got it. All it needed was a good kick. This ladder is a real bastard – 500 billion pictures of George Washington and they give us something you could buy at Walmart. Right, nearly there. What a dump! Looks like the bottom of a cement mixer. I hope we’ve got enough fuel left to get out of here. Let’s just take the pictures, grab the rocks and go. OK, Buzz, external comms back on for the deathless statement”. PAUSE. “One small step…..” And there you have it. You read it here first.

Short 'n' Sweet

The captain welcomed or guests the Thompson family, Robert, David and mum; Chris Hansen, Mrs Hansen and Emma Crafter. Also present were members of the Palerang Girls’ Marching Team – Katherine Gorge, Alice Springs, Rose Bay, Margaret River, Adelaide Hills and Marie Bain. Ted Evans told us how to insure a wooden leg.

Winners & Grinners
Juniors

The googly ball went to Emma Crafter for advancing her ball by use of the foot (just like her dad). The dummy spit went to Samantha Urquhart for dobbing in Emma’s dad. Encouragement awards were bestowed on Robert Thompson and Emma Crafter.

18 Hole Winner

LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 3, Ken Gordon x 3, Tim Barter x 2, Vicki Sill and Pete Harrison. The juniors comp was won by Phoebe Beckett with 28 after handicap off 66 strokes. The nine hole comp was taken out by Samantha Urquhart 58/30 from runner-up Ken Gordon 36/32. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 75/58; 2nd Glen Crafter 75/61 OCB from Vicki Still. Well done, everyone!

Next month is glorious Spring. Time to emerge from the diapause of Winter and gambol about the Elysian Fields of Wamboin like woolly lambkins. And compete for the Spring Trophy. And scoff a few of Joan’s famous spring rolls. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 September for the ever-dependable 12.30pm shotgun start. We are hoping that our mayor, Mr Working Trousers, will kindly donate to the winner of the Spring Trophy a weekend stay in Sydney at the QPRC’s luxury penthouse in Macquarie Street. Meanwhile please note that King Street, Bungendore, is not named after any member of my family, none of whom can drive an excavator.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The L & L King Affair

Sunday, 7 July. You may be able to help me. Your correspondent was updating his blog, AlmostTheTruth, to provide an alternative perspective in the form of a peer review to the thesis proposed by celebrated theologian, Dr Palestine Folou. My antithesis, using the Hegelian Dialectic, has it that the putative Hell-bound would not reach their destination, or if they did, they would find themselves in a rather jolly, welcoming place – including, as it necessarily would, all the people I know and love. And the fire? Worry not. You wouldn’t be able to get near it for the members of the International Rugby Board and their many hangers-on who have made it impossible to understand what is going on in the scrum and take all the good seats at the World Cup.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, my ISP threatens to shut down my blogsite for expressing views contrary to its social policy. It’s my intention to sue the pants off them for denying me freedom of expression, but I just haven’t got the cash to fund an action which will surely go all the way to the High Court. GoFundMe says the subject matter doesn’t qualify for crowd-funding so I’m making a direct appeal to the public. Readers who wish to support the freedom of the press may send their donations to A/c No. LK47, Gnomes of Zurich Bank, Jarlsberg M16, Switzerland. Please note that funds will be used at my total discretion. If dissatisfied please contact #GoFindMe.

Dave

Ah, yes. Golf. Well, it was the NotSoDryJuly Stableford comp sponsored by L&L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats. The day was typical for the end of the beginning of the middle of Winter: middling cold. Singing “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas in July” we rugged up, donned our snowshoes, straddled our Ski-Doos and, like Scott of the Antarctic, set off with gritted teeth into the blizzard.

Back in the tent with the wind beating a staccato tattoo as it sprinted across the roof’s corrugations, acting captain Mr L Mason did the tally while the vast crowd amused itself by reviewing SnoMo’s efforts to broker a truce in the trade war at the G20 meeting in Japan (where he’s known as SuMo or SudoKo). We gave him a tick for having a go. Which is more than you could give the Brumbies who didn’t even turn up. Apparently the bus driver got lost. The captain introduced our guests, Ash Wednesday and Wensley Dale. Ted Evans told us how they’d exhumed that dead barista: he was decoffinated.

Winners & Grinners
Sam & Larry

The googly ball was awarded to the thirsty golfer (name withheld) who sliced his tee shot from Memorial Drive into the Hall in search of bottled goods. The dummy spit went to Tim Barter for whinging about a par 3 that should have been a birdie. Some people!

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 4, Vicki Still 3 (hmmm), Pete Harrison and Samuel Urquhart.

The junior comp was won by Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was Samantha Urquhart on 35 Stableford points (call the police!) from Samuel Urquhart 22 points. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Vicki Still 36 points from David Bailey 34. Well played all.

Larry & Vicki

Next month, August by name, will feature the eminent or venerable competition synonymic of the month. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 August for the customary 12.30pm charge for the line.

Meanwhile think about this: what does the new leader of the federal opposition and the lateral epicondyle of the humerus have in common? First neatest correct entry wins a box of recycled golf balls. And thanks, Jean-Pierre Favre, for the kind words. They were balm to this poor scribbler’s soul.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 2 June. I’m writing this in a tearing hurry because at any second the AFP will be busting through my door. (Thank God my underwear are all clean and tidy.) They’re after me for revealing certain state secrets. More of that in a minute.

Keith

Meanwhile let me apologise for the tardiness of this epistle. Two reasons: firstly, your correspondent did not actually play and had to closely interrogate those who did as to what happened; secondly the cause of his absence was the fact that, as a member of the Bungendore Community Choir, he was engaged in a concert at the Memorial Hall—along with the absolutely marvellous Bungendore Youth Orchestra—in aid of the Abbeyfield project. Yes, not only a golfer but also a chorister. My voice has been compared, flatteringly I believe, to a Sulphur-crested Cockatoo. I almost missed the 19th because of the persistence of the autograph hunters. No, no. Not for me. For our choir master and musical director, Dr Tracy Bourne. (I was merely holding her baton).

But back to the reason for my haste: in this column some years ago I wrote that a friend had told me that his son was off to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban. Apparently he should have said that he was off to “drive a caravan”. It seems I had inadvertently let it slip that our continuing military presence in the sand pit was bellicose rather than benign. Whereas the government line was that they were going there for R&R after Iraq (where, it turned out, there weren’t any WMDs after all).

Ted Talk

I’m informed it was a terrific day for golf. The sky was blue (just like the ceiling of the Memorial Hall) with the mercury in the temperate teens and a gentle breeze. The day was sponsored by the Urquhart family whom we thank for the prizes and edible refreshments. Competition was decided by stroke play adjusted for handicap. Afterwards, back at the Hall, acting captain, Tim Barter, called for order and introduced our guests Tess and Aldo Tosstirone, Don Giovanni, Mary Jeffigero and Barbara Seville. Ted Evans assured us that the search for a new leader of the parliamentary Labor Party had “all been easy”.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Keith France for a long and rambling story. Bill Shorten claimed the dummy spit for attributing the ALP’s surprise loss in the federal election to “corporate leviaffons” and “media behemoffs”. The encouragement award went to Don Evans and Lee Beamont.

LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 2, Pete Harrison 2, Keith France, Deb Gordon, Col Urquhart and Tim Barter.

Grinners

Placegetters in the juniors comp were 1st Madz Gordon, 2nd Alex Gordon, 3rd Phoebe Beckett, and 4th Timothy Nelson. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 47/28 from Ian Picker 48/33. 18 hole victor was Tim Barter 72/63 from David Bailey 90/65 OCB. Well done all and sundry!

Next month the club will host the Non Dry July comp. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 7 July at 12.15pm for the traditional 12.30pm shotgun start.

Sorry, I have to go. I can hear 27 hob-nailed boots coming up the drive (must be a unidexter in the group). “I hope you’re going to pay for that door! Hey, watch the Ming vase…!”

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

The Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

Part 1

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 May. Wasn’t the federal election campaign absolutely thrilling? Your correspondent has never been so engaged in the political process. Well, not since he stood unsuccessfully for room at the trough in the last local government elections. (And no, I haven’t forgotten how I was comprehensively rejected by an ungrateful electorate. The blisters on my soul are yet to heal.) But putting that aside, I didn’t realise there was so much more to exercising the franchise than simply walking into the polling booth and donkey voting above the line.

First, there’s the comprehensive and fascinating statistics. One mob promised—on a stack of bibles—to cut personal and company taxes by…um…er…let me see….oh, at least two million dollars. Or was it ten. Maybe it was 10 billion. But, anyway it was an impressive amount. Not to be outdone the other crowd swore on Karl Marx’s grave to do the same but make sure “the big end of town” (probably the top end of Gibraltar Street to the railway station) didn’t get any of it. Gob-smacking stuff! And, to top it off, both outfits are going to put us back into a surplice in a year or two. Why we’re all going to have to wear loose-fitting ecclesiastical garments is beyond me, but if it’s good for the economy I’m all for it.

But, hold on, it gets more interesting. There’s a feisty little outfit that identifies itself by a colour I tend to associate with hospital corridors and pea soup. Apparently a principal aim of their campaign is to stop the construction of a public toilet somewhere in Queensland. You know what I’m talking about—you’ve seen them on the news shouting “Stop a dunny! Stop a dunny!”

Now at this point you’re wondering at the relevance of all this to the sacred game of golf at Wamboin. Well, brace yourselves for a shock. For the first time in over 30 years the game was postponed until Sunday, 19 May. The reason? A clearing sale on a property which hosts two of the holes of the Wamboin golf course. But wait, there’s more: we may even lose those holes if the new owners, unlikely as this sounds, are not golfers. Teeth are being gnashed as we go to press. However, all is not lost. The ingenious residents of this nuclear-and-drone-free parish are even now working on a solution. Watch this space.

Meanwhile, if this epistle reaches you in time please feel free to join us at the hall on Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 19 May for the customary 12.30pm kick off for the delayed Merrie Month of May golf day. And remember, the Deadly Serious Party needs your vote. They are the only ones who will tell you the whole and unadorned truth: they have no better idea how to run this country than anyone else, but one thing is for sure. We’re better off than some parliamentary democracies you could name and way ahead of the dictatorships and totalitarian states.

Part 2

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 19 May. Your correspondent is writing this still bleary-eyed from watching 10 solid hours of election coverage the night before. So I might get a few things wrong. But first the golf.

Tim

Regular readers will recall that the May comp had to be postponed. However, what a beautiful day it was! The day was sponsored by the Lords of Air and Water – Paul Griffin and Tim Barter, whom we thank for the prizes and Diana for the eats. Play was scored on the Stableford system which is a bit like preferential voting—you go for the swan but get the turkey. And so it came to pass that, fresh from donkeying the little green slip and buggering up the big white one, we finally dragged ourselves away from the Wheels of Wamboin and took to the course.

Vicki

Back at the tally room, as the captain discarded all the informal votes, we took stock of the three-ring circus of the night before. Unless my memory deceives me it went like this: at about 7pm, Bill Abbreviate, sucked in by the exit polls, enters a luxury hotel in the big end of Melbourne town to claim victory. He thanks the lovely Zoe, Bob Hawke, GetUp and the CMMFEU and promises to govern for all Australians except those who didn’t vote for him. At approx. 7.15pm SloMo, alerted by his minders, stumbles out of the Cronulla Leagues Club to concede. He congratulates the abbreviated one and says he fought the good fight but came up short. The Good Lord giveth and the Good Lord taketh away. Go Sharks!

At about 9pm Bill realises Labor has been done in the eye by the pre-polling which didn’t factor in the promised socialist utopia cunningly revealed late in the campaign. Clutching Floey’s hand he tearfully accepts defeat, blaming all those who didn’t vote for him, and tenders his resignation. There isn’t a dry eye in the place as all around gnash their expensive orthodontics while they work their smart phones seeking alternative well-paid employment.

Meanwhile over at the ABC they’re jumping out of the windows or reaching for the knotted ropes and the rusty razors. At around 9.20pm SloMo slips down the front stairs of the Cronulla RLFC declaring that he’s always believed in Miracle margarine. He thanks his family, Hillsong and Bob Hawke. He thanks Zali Steggles for ridding him of “that meddlesome priest” in Warringah (and for all the frozen chooks for the after-party). He swears he’ll govern for all Australians apart from etc, etc (see above). Then we turned over to the semi-final of the Eurovision song contest where the voting really is rigged.

The captain introduced our guests, Ian and Sue Picker from up the road, Gerry and Yvette Mander from Queensland and Ginger and Theo Vitas from Red Gums in Victoria. Ted Evans entertained the crowd with stories old and new. The googly ball went to Col Urquhart who spent the last four months looking for a lost 5-iron only to learn that the set of clubs he bought on Gumtree didn’t include one!

Winners & Grinners

The dummy spit was awarded to the Incredible Sulk, Vicki Still, for throwing numerous tanties on the course but still managing some marvellous strokes. A new award, the Birthday Award, went to Ken Gordon.

Tim, Pete & Paul

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon 2, Colin Urquhart 2 and Alex Gordon who was also the junior comp winner with 25 Stableford points. Runner-up was Madison Gordon 21 and in 3rd place was Phoebe Beckett 16. It was a day for the gay Gordons: Ken won the nine hole comp with 21 points from Deb on 20. Victory in the 18 hole comp went to Pete Harrison 37 from Vicki Still 32. Our sponsors played well but unfortunately they cannot, by tradition, win a major prize. And a damn good thing, too. Congratulations to all participants.

Join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 June at the community hall for another exciting challenge in hand/eye coordination. We will be discussing the ACT’s new animal rights legislation and asking the question: should kangaroos get the vote?

Larry King, golfer. With considerable, but unsuspecting, help from John Cosgrove.

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 7 April. Your correspondent has always wanted to be a Colourful Racing Identity. Not with the nasty bits like drugs, dead bodies and all that. Just the colourful bits. Winning horses, photo in the paper hugging Gai Waterhouse, loud clothes, night clubs and so on. My guilty desire has recently resurfaced because a colourful racing identity has come to live with us. Her name is Wilma and she’s a greyhound. Formerly of the seedy demi monde of Victoria’s dog tracks, she had seven wins and a string of seconds and thirds before her career was cut short by pannus (look it up you lazy bar steward).

Dave

What’s that got to do with golf, I hear you cry. Well, I’ve always wanted to win the Masters, too. Not that paltry show in the Deep South of the US. But the Wamboin Mini Masters famed in song, story, legend and myth. It works like this: you play six holes on Bingley Way then return to the Hall to see who’s made the cut. (You can also do a bit of hydraulic lubrication, if necessary.) Out again to play the same six holes, then the novelty shots back at the Hall.

Nev

At the 19th, as the captain did the tote to see who would wear the greenish jacket, we discussed matters political. When I asked who had won the NSW poll I swear the response was “a pair o’ jiklions”. Now, I wouldn’t recognize a jiklion if it popped up in the porridge. Nor did I know they came in pairs. All I know is that the Deadly Serious candidate—my first preference—didn’t poll enough to regain her deposit. What a travesty! The captain introduced our guest-of-honour, Peter Evans, President of the Wamboin Community Association which sponsored the day. Thanks WCA for the prizes and finger food. Golfing guests included former member, David Bailey, who hasn’t lost his touch (see below) and Dave Hubbard who interrupted his work as a laboratory rat for medical science.

Winners & Grinners

Ted Evans warmed up the crowd before the googly ball was given to Steve Lambert for sharpening his tee under the misapprehension that it was a pencil (should have gone to Spec Savers). The dummy spit went to Nev Schroder for complaining that the ground staff had moved one of the greens. Novelty pitching comp winners were: ramp, Nev Schroder 5.2m; tyre, Steve Lambert 4.3m; one hand, David Bailey 4.1m; bunker, Vicki Still 0.3m; best overall Ken Gordon (four inside the circle).

Peter & Ken

Winner of the handicap comp was David Bailey 46.3 ahead of runner-up Glen Crafter 46.7. Nine players made the cut but since your correspondent was not among them he feels no responsibility to pander to their egos. The Masters place getters were: Junior master, Alex Gordon 76 strokes; senior Masters runner-up Nev Schroder 53. As a hush descends on the crowd it can be revealed that the 2019 Wamboin Master is Ken Gordon on 51 strokes. Congratulations Ken. The grey/green jacket suits you well. Well done all competitors and many thanks to Nev, Lofty, Vicki and Tim for faultlessly organizing play and technology.

According to the Gregorian calendar, next month is the Merrie Month of May. Do feel free to join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 19 May (delayed from the traditional first Sunday date due to insurmountable circumstances) for the standard 12.30pm starting signal. Meanwhile, I’m thinking of joining the vegans next time they chain themselves to an abattoir. Seems like a great opportunity to quietly nick a carcase or two to feed the hordes descending on us at Easter,

Larry King, golfer.

March Competition Results

Sunday, 3 March. Do we need rain or what? Up here in the foothills of the foothills of the Alps we could do with chamber pots full of it. So send it down, Huey! But not as much as poor old Townsville if you don’t mind. Funny name, Townsville. Must be an outpost of Quebec where all place names are in English and French. Never mind. Keep calm and play golf. This month, in a departure from tradition, we held the GST Anniversary Ambrose (when you have to add 10% to your handicap) because the sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, will be travelling at the time of the EOFY. We thank them deeply for the prizes and edible refreshments. And so, dressed like Bedouins to ward off the sun’s nuclear scimitars we mounted our iron camels and struck out into shimmering heat of the limitless Wamboin desert.

Back at the oasis, as fluid loss was enthusiastically replaced (some replaced more than they lost), we analysed the perturbing news that the computer systems of the major political parties—Liberal, Labor, National and Deadly Serious—had all been hacked. According to ASIO it was done by a “sophisticated state actor”. We considered the options: first we excluded anyone who’d won an Oscar, BAFTA, ARIA or whatever; then we ruled out SloMo—a chronic over-actor—on the ground he’s federal; we eliminated those other political thespians, the state Premier and her deputy, for diminished sophistication (unless you take the cynical view that all politicians are practiced in the art of sophistry); we excused the Bungendore Players—all damn fine actors but short-suited from an IT point of view; and we knocked out the cast of Married at First Sight just for the hell of it. That left Russia or China so we tossed a coin and, sorry China, you’re in the frame. And that’s where you’ll stay until you rescind the ban on our new, clean, gentle-to-the-environment coal.

Winners & Grinners

The captain called for order, introduced our guest, Murray Goodridge, back for the second time. Ted Evans showed us why the one-liner is still amusing. The googly ball went to Steve Lambert for a humorous but tactless remark at his team mate’s expense. The dummy spit was taken out by Lofty Mason who, when accused by his wife of not trying, declared that he was trying his best. Juniors comp winners were sweet little Deb Gordon, Madz Gordon and Phoebe Beckett, all on 31. NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter x 2, Colin Urquhart x 2, Murray Goodridge, Glen Crafter, John Whitney and Steve Lambert. Winners of the nine hole comp were the team of Steve Lambert and Larry King 26.5 from Ken and Alex Gordon 26.7. Winners of the 18 hole comp were Tim Barter and Murray Goodridge 60 from Colin Urquhart and Glen Crafter 2nd on appeal 64 followed by Samuel Urquhart and Paul Griffin 3rd 68. Well done all players!

Next month is April and by now we all know what local meteorologist, T S Eliot, says about April so I won’t repeat it. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the normal 12.30 pm start. Don’t forget to vote in the election to see which group of “sophisticated state actors” will run the Rum Corps for the next four years. Will it be that nasty John Macarthur or that nice Captain Bligh? Only time will tell.

Larry King, golfer
(with apologies from our photographer, who was MIA on this occasion)

February Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 February. A beautiful sunny day for cricket at Manuka Oval—which is where your correspondent was, instead of playing golf at Wamboin. You’ll be interested to know that during drinks in the morning session the crowd was abuzz with the thrilling news that Slomo had decided to lash out on re-enacting Capt J Cook’s historic circumcision of the continent of Terra Australis—i.e. the incisive removal of New South Wales from New Holland. Can’t wait for that—have put my name down as cabin boy on HMB Endeavour. Meanwhile, in Wamboin, preparations were in hand for the monthly competition, sponsored on this occasion by the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the eats and prizes respectively. The sponsors declared the comp to be determined by stroke play after handicap.

Overdrive Watergate

Your correspondent is informed by a reliable source that back at the Hall a lively debate ensued on whether recent climatic events are harbingers of doom: did the drought followed by our local December inundation, the January heatwave in the South and the torrential rain fall and flooding in the North, the Tasmanian and Victorian fires and the Great Sutton Earthquake all mean that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse had been set upon the Earth as punishment for our neglect of the environment? Could we expect war, plague and pestilence (oh! The humanity!) to come next? Luckily, before those and other crackpot ideas could gain a grip on the fevered imagination and the galloping hysteria the captain called for order and introduced our guests, local pathologists Col and Maria Onoskapi. Ted Evans rolled out a story about ice cream.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was claimed by Raylene Beckett but my informants won’t tell me why. The dummy spit went to Samantha Urquhart because her husband lost his Christmas present 5 iron. It was then passed on to Joan Mason who, after invoking rule 5b of the 3rd Amendment, teed off early at 6.15am (to avoid the heat of the day) and complained that the greens hadn’t been prepared.

LD and NTP ball winners were Pete Harrison x 4, Paul Griffin, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter, Colin Urquhart and John Whitney.

Prizegiving

Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Phoebe Beckett 68/32 from runner-up Alex Gordon 54/35. Lofty Mason took out the senior nine hole comp 41/27 from Joan Mason 43/32 and Samuel Urquhart 3rd OCB 49/34. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 81/64 from Tim Barter 76/67 with Keith “I never win anything” France in 3rd place on 80/69. Well done, one and all!

Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 3 March for the Mad March Hare comp. You know the drill: be here at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30pm cast off. Which reminds me - local fishmonger, Murray Darling, has asked me to let you know that he has large stocks of the rare Menindee white fish going cheap. Get ‘em while they’re fresh.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Saddle Up

Sunday, 6 January. Not too hot, not too cold. Not too windy but not still. Not too cloudy, not too sunny. Neither one thing nor the other. Just like Schrödinger’s cat. Not that I was all that familiar with the poor old moggie. Or Schrödinger for that matter. I know Nev Schroder but I‘m not sure he has a cat. And if he does he wouldn’t keep it in a radioactive chamber like bloody Schrödinger. Where’s the RSPCA when you need them? Where was I? oh, yeah, the Welcome-the-New-Year comp normally sponsored by Wiyagiba Trading but Dave Hubbard’s back in hospital again so the club stepped up to provide the prizes and eats with the help of Joan Mason and Libby King whom we thank profusely. We also wish Dave a swift recovery from his latest medical adventure. In keeping with the Hubbard spirit the day was declared a ten hole three-club day determined by stroke play adjusted for handicap.

Weepers Drive'

Afterwards, back in the Wamboin “bubble”, we were all anxious to compare New Year’s resolutions. Here are your correspondent’s. 1) I will reduce my contribution to global warming. This is not easy. First I tried reducing my footprint by going down a shoe size and becoming a vegan but all I got was sore toes and excessive flatus. Turns out that vegans, like all ruminants, create inordinate volumes of methane. So I have now resolved to eat as many ruminants as possible to prevent them from passing greenhouse gas. 2) I will enter a car in the Summernats. So I polished up the old Nissan Cedric and took it along but was laughed out of EPIC by people with high BMIs and mullets. 3) I will not celebrate the 200th anniversary of the Armistice. I’m on safe ground here. 4). Rather than whinge from the sidelines I will actively participate in the political process. I have applied to join the Deadly Serious Party who, unlike the others, take politics very, umm, well, err, like, seriously. 5) I will ingest alcohol for medical reasons only. I’m encouraged in this endeavor by the advice of my old mate, local pharmacist, W C Field, who said he always carried a bottle of “the tincture” with him in case he was bitten by a snake which he also carried with him.

Hotel 19

The captain welcomed our guests, Brenda Beamont all the way from London and Nick and Ultima Thule from even farther out. Ted Evans described the qualifications needed to be a lemon picker. The googly ball went to the person whose foursome lost 20 minutes looking for his car keys which turned up where they should be – in the ignition. Colin Urquhart won the dummy spit for complaining about the three-club day after bringing his new full set of clubs (a Christmas present). LD and NTP ball winners were Scott Mason x 3, Glen Crafter and Colin Urquhart.

Winners & Grinners
Prizegiving

Junior comp winner was Lila Mason from Phoebe Beckett 2nd and Tim Nelson 3rd. Place getters, in ascending order, in the senior ten hole comp were: in 6th place Glen Crafter 51/43, 5th Scott Mason 49/42, 4th Lofty Mason 57/41, 3rd Keith France 46/40, 2nd Paul Griffin 48/39 and the winner Colin Urquhart 50/36 with those new clubs.

Next month is February - a dry month for those suffering the seasonal liver complaint. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 3 February. You can forget about cricket: the so-called Indian summer will be over. Be here at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. And wear a smile. It’s going to be a marvelous year!

Larry King, golfer

2018

December Competition Results

God rest ye merrie gentlefolk, let nothing you dismay. Remember 2 December was a jolly golfing day. And so it was, with Christmas just around the corner and everyone full to the brim with joie de vivre and bonhomie and all that other Gallic stuff. The day’s sponsors were the Petermen – Harrison and Greenwood – and we thank them to the utmost for the prizes and eats especially the braised holly, the boiled ivy, the fricasseed mistletoe and the barbecued partridge in the deep fried pear tree. The day’s competition was declared to be handicap stroke play and so, with our sleigh bells a-jingle we set off into the countryside hoping that good old Saint Nick would grant our yuletide wishes.

Donkey of Finn

Back at Santa’s workshop at the North Pole (via Bingley Way) our captain, the Grinch, set about tallying the score while we all reviewed the events of 2018. We were aided in this exercise by your correspondent’s new neighbour, Rainbird Waterfall, who plied us with freshly-baked cookies. Don’t know what was in them but Yummo! Anyway we all agreed what an absolutely, spiflicatingly wonderful year it had been. Australian democracy was safely in the enlightened and stable custody of a parliament chosen from the brightest and most beneficent statesmen and women in the land. Highly trusted institutions were continuing their sympathetic and benevolent mission of looking after the most vulnerable in their care (mmm, these cookies are great!). The royal commission found the finance sector a model of responsibility, altruism and probity and its regulators the very criteria of efficiency (I must get the recipe). The US, our major ally, is under the control of an intelligent, honest and upright administrator (wheeee!). Science has reduced greenhouse gas and ozone levels and energy prices are no longer an issue of concern thanks to decisive and bipartisan national action (far out and solid, man!). And our rugby and cricket teams are the scourge and envy of the world (why is that cow on the ceiling?).

Winners & Grinners
Twin Gums

The Grinch didn’t welcome our guests—only because there weren’t any—but he did award the googly ball to Vicki Still who refused to turn down her loud shorts. The dummy spit went again to Alex Gordon for blaming the handicapper for his rotten score. (Very low behaviour. Like ball tampering in cricket.) LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still x 3, Tim Barter x 2, Keith France x 2, Joan Mason, Ken Gordon and Samuel Urquhart.

Juniors comp winner was Alex Gordon 56/38 despite the whining. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 52/34 OCB Ken Gordon 38/34 with Lofty Mason in 3rd place 48/35 OCB from Joan. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Keith France 73/61. Runner-up was Vicki Still 86/62 from 3rd place getter Paul Griffin 81/65. Well done all competitors.

It is now a new year (2019 for the less numerate). Here’s a new year’s tip: if visiting Poms want to discuss cricket or rugby, cunningly change the conversation to Brexit. That’ll divert ‘em for hours. You can then join us at the community hall on the first Sunday of the month for a game of skill and cunning. Make a resolution to be here at 12.15pm for the regular 12.30pm cannonade. Meanwhile, the members of the R&A Wamboin GC wish you and yours as good a new year as 2018 has been (must get more of those cookies…).

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

Sunday, 4 November. There’s the Australian Open, the US Open and the British Open but they are all barely discernible in the umbra of the Wamboin Open, hotly contested every November. It was a warm and pleasant day which suited the thousands thronging the short rough flanking the fairways to watch the cream of the region’s golfers vying for immortality. There were two competitions in each of the nine and 18 hole divisions: handicap and gross. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin GC itself and we thank the club for the prizes and refreshments. After having the rules and etiquette of the game explained to them by joint acting captain, Deb Gordon, contestants loaded their shootin’ irons and headed out onto the field of battle.

Finn's Spotties'

After we handed in our cards back at barracks joint acting captain, Ken Gordon, sorted truth from fiction as talk turned to the vexed question of inappropriate street and place names, the current hot issue. Take Malbon Street in the heart of this earthly paradise’s capital city, Bungendore. It’s made up of two French words, mal meaning bad and bon meaning good. Who could live comfortably on Goodbad Street? A Street that can’t seem to make up its mind on how it feels (like Crookwell). Why not rename it Verygood Street? Or we could keep the French theme and call it Rue Tres Bon which seems appropriate. Then there’s Ellendon Street. The local historical society is pretty sure it’s named after Ellen and Don someone-or-other but who they were is lost in antiquity, making it an unsatisfactory address for people who like things cut and dried. And the word Bungendore itself sounds like someone out of J K Rolling’s imagination. Your correspondent has previously reported on the derivation of Norton Road, a corruption of "nought on" meaning naked, which has upset those who like to go fully clothed. Let’s hope the Queens Park Rangers can solve these dilemmas to everyone’s satisfaction.

Winners & Grinners

Jt A/g capt called us to order by tendering an apology from Dr Brengun Nelson (brother of Half Nelson) who was still working out how to spend $½ billion on the new AWM Theme Park. Ted Evans brought us up to date with goings-on in the thriving metrolops of Queanbeyan.

Lofty Mason and your correspondent scored the Googly Ball for (a) slowing the game by stopping to watch two shingle backs making little shinglebacks (it’s not as exciting as you’d think) and (b) restoring the Rob Gorham Perpetual Dummy Spit to the trophy cabinet at Rob’s request. Dummy spit of the day went to Joan “not me again!” Mason. LD and NTP ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 3, John Whitney x 2, Tim Barter, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason and Pete Harrison.

Champ

Junior champion was Madison Gordon with a net 26. Junior encouragement award winners were Phoebe Beckett and Alex Gordon.

Winner of the nine hole eclectic was Joan Mason while the 18 hole eclectic was taken out by Tim Barter.

The club champion (nine holes net) was Ken Gordon 37/33 from Lofty Mason 47/35 and Deb Gordon 3rd 53/36. The club champion (18 holes net) was Colin Urquhart 88/52 from Paul Griffin 79/62 and John Whitney 3rd 79/64.

Now the crowd is hushed as the Jt A/g Capts announce the names of the Open Champions. And they are: Ladies Open Champion (nine holes), Joan Mason 42; Men’s Open Champion (18 holes), Tim Barter 73. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who took part.

Next month is the Christmas Medal. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm sleigh bell. And watch out for cane toads. They’re coming this way.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

Sunday, 7 October. Another day another royal commission. Aged care, gender quotas in politics, bullying and sexual harassment, climate change—specifically the relationship between greenhouse gas, energy prices, the reliable energy target and an emissions trading scheme—and, of course, what to do with the ABC (how to retard its relentless and unreasoning insistence on independence, factual depth and even handedness). Your correspondent understands from sources close to SloMo and BulSho, that all inquiries will be completed in time to have sensible, bipartisan policies in place before the federal election around May next year. Can’t wait. And, in fact, I won’t.

Ron's Dam Hole

Where was I? Ah yes. 7 October. A superb day for motor sport (Bathurst, Japan and Thailand) and, naturally, the Wamboin Oktoberfest Monthly Medal. Sunny, crisp, a light breeze. The day was sponsored by L & L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats. The order of the day was for stroke play rather than the fiendish Stableford system and so with the stench of high octane and burning rubber in our nostrils we set off down Con Rod Straight, hearts aflutter.

Back in Pit Lane while we carefully picked the needles out of the strawberries we discussed the poor man’s royal commission into the “culture” of the ACT’s peerless health system. The general consensus was that that there was no culture to speak of. Very few within the system could tell you if it was Mozart or Beethoven who painted the Mona Lisa. (It was Beethoven. Mozart invented the Stradivarius, a kind of ukulele you play with a stick.) The captain introduced our guests Ben, Skye and Jennifer from across the road and Klymut and Astrid Denier from Paris. Ted Evans took time out from looking for a couple of carers for SloMo’s disabled aunty to tell the story of the senator and the cow.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Joan Mason who lost her pencil but signed the NTP marker at the Hall with a piece of charcoal from the remains of the bonfire. The dummy spit award was presented to Glen Crafter for uncivil language after breaking the head off his driver. Glen was then able to pass it on to Joan Mason who failed to submit a card but complained about missing out on a prize which “she would have won”. NTP and LD ball winners were Paul Griffin x 2, Vicki Still, Tim Barter, Pete Harrison and Colin Urquhart.

Prizegiving

The winner of the nine hole comp was Lofty Mason 50/39. One of the sponsors came second but modesty prevents me from revealing his identity. In any event the strict rules at Wamboin GC exclude him from the prize-getters. Keith France took out the 18 hole comp 74/60 from Vicki Still 87/62 with Paul Griffin in 3rd place 81/64.

Next month will feature the 33rd annual Wamboin Open, the very apogee, zenith, apex and summit of golf. Join us at the community hall on Sunday, 4 November at 12.15pm for the always dependable 12.30pm start. We asked Gladys Berejiklian to present the prizes but have been informed that she will be busy painting a portrait of Winx on the sails of the Opera House.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

Sunday, 2 September. A typical Wamboin Spring day: satyrs chasing nymphs through the woodland valleys; faeries dancing around mushrooms in the dells; unicorns gamboling in the bluebell woods; Frederick McCubbin painting sylphides frolicking in billabongs to the strains of music by Leo Delibes. In other words, the usual thing and just the day for the Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason whom we thank for the sustaining fare—especially Joan’s famous Spring Rolls—and the floral prizes. The sponsors declared a three-club day determined by stroke play. And so, with Pan Pipes fluting gaily in the scented air, we mounted our iron centaurs and dashed into the fray.

Watergate

Back at the Colorbond Castle we settled in for a good old gripe about The Great Steam-driven Fiasco which recently gummed up the workings of federal parliament. In case you missed it I’ll briefly summarise. The embittered and passion-fingered former PM, Tony Rabbit, “masterminded” an insurrection against that nice, mild-mannered Malcolm Turnbull, the Neville Chamberlain of Australian politics. It seems Mr Rabbit wanted to replace Mr Turnbull with a potato. (Don’t ask. I don’t know why and nor does anyone else.) It didn’t work. Spud didn’t get up but Turnbull resigned anyway (just like Chamberlain did in 1940—you can’t appease a bully) and was replaced by someone called J-Lo or Flo-Jo or Mojo. But it’s OK, everything’s back to normal now. Furthermore it’s not true that Mr Rabbit is entirely useless as the left-leaning media assert. At least he can serve as a bad example.

Winners & Grinners

The captain moved a vote of sympathy for Lofty who had succumbed to an upper respiratory tract infection. (We understand he is enjoying the Very Best of care.) He then welcomed our guests, Tim Nelson, Lee Beamont, Chris Shaw and Adam and Irene Inerby from just outside Cooma. Ted Evans gave us a geography lesson about the Pakistani border. The googly ball went to Vicki Still who played with a pink ball and an orange ball and was able to lose both in the dense Wamboin rain forest. The dummy spit was again awarded to Tim Barter who had to be restrained for persistent sledging. The encouragement award went to Lee Beamont playing her first game at Wamboin. NTP and LD ball winners were Dean Joy x 3, Pete Harrison x 2, Chris Shaw, Ken Gordon, Glen Crafter and Kyle Griffin.

Deb & Joan

Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Alex Gordon with 53 strokes for a net 35 after adjustment for handicap. Runner-up was Phoebe Beckett 82/42. Senior nine hole comp winner was Deb Gordon 53/36 from Ken Gordon 43/39. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 81/63 from Tim Barter 73/64. Congratulations to all who part.

Join us for another bucolic golf day on Sunday, 7 October (clocks forward). We look forward to seeing you at the Community Hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30 pm start. If you need someone to look after the kids give me a call and I’ll have a quiet word with my old mate Peter Tuber MP, Minister for Home Duties, who’ll have an au pair on a tourist visa around to your place quick smart.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 August. A clear blue sky and a slight breeze. Or so they tell me. Your correspondent had come down with what the President of Iran would call the Mother of all Lurgies. Thus he must rely on hearsay for what took place on the course. But naturally he struggled from his sick bed (like Plunkett in 1916) to attend the 19th. The day was sponsored by the Tradies, people who know one end of a hammer from the other. (One has a steel knob with ears and one hasn’t). Stroke play adjusted for handicap was the order of the day.

Memorial Drive

Back at the workshop Henk (mechanical) prepared his famous pea and ham soup while Don (plumbing & gasfitting) and Trent (electrical) heated the party pies. Apologies and moral support from Col (automotive) up in the snow. Meanwhile, we all relived National Poltroon’s European Holiday. You remember: it was the foreign affairs triumph of that great American wind instrument, Donald Trumpet – known to his friends as POTUS (poltroon of the US) - when he bravely wandered blindly through UK politics after courageously upsetting his NATO mates, and then cravenly waggled a spongy finger at his new bestie, Vlad the Slippery, for annexing Crimea, overrunning Ukraine, taking down MH 17, novichoking UK citizens, hacking foreign governments and businesses and interfering in foreign elections. “Not me” said Vlad and Ol’ Windbag bought it. The free world’s in the very best of hands.

The captain, fresh from his soporific trip on the Ghan from Darwin to Adelaide, welcomed our guests, a couple of chalkies, Alma and John Mater, as well as Col Listermann and Mel Iluka from the botanical gardens. Ted Evans took us for a trip down memory lane from his days as a citrus reticulata in the public service. The googly ball went to Lofty Mason for some aspect of his wife’s play which he was not game to describe. His continued refusal to explain earned him the dummy spit award. Poltroonery is clearly in the air.

Winners & Grinners
Winners

NTB and LD ball winners were Ken Gordon x 3, Vicki Still x 2, Colin Urquhart, Joan Mason and Paul Griffin. The junior comp winner was Alex Gordon from his sister Madz. The nine hole first placegetter was Samantha Urquhart 65/30 from Lofty Mason 45/33 and Deb Gordon 51/34. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Pete Harrison who played out of his skin to record a Ned Kelly-ish 86/56 and was last seen hurriedly leaving town covered in tar and feathers. With the Wamboin Open coming up soon, Pete obviously doesn’t understand the concept of handicap maintenance! Runner-up was Ken Gordon whose 68 strokes for a handicap-adjusted 58 equalled the course record held by Tim Barter. In 3rd place was Paul Griffin 82/63. Well done all!

For those still in hibernation, the next month is September. Officially it will be Spring, which is when the R & A Wamboin GC mounts its famous Spring Trophy. So show some courage. Thumb your nose at Putin and join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The GST Anniversary Handicap

Sunday, 1 July. A beautiful Winter’s day. Crisp and cold with a gentle breeze under a clear blue sky. An obvious day for golf, you would have said. But wait. What is this horror about to descend upon us like a succubus (or incubus – I can never tell the difference)? Is it a horde of Philippino basketballers? Or a sumasshedshaya banda of Russian soccer fans? No, it’s the demonic handicapping system for the GST Anniversary Handicap.

Donkey of Finn

It works like this: each team of two adds ten per cent to their combined handicaps and divides by four – or something. I know what you’re thinking: what evil mind dreamt that up? Well, meet my old mate Keith France, accountant and co-sponsor of the day’s play. Fortunately the countervailing factor is the other co-sponsor, Kathy Handel. We thank them both, but mainly Kathy, for the food and wearable prizes.

Back at base, while the captain struggled with the score cards, there were many issues to probe as we all adjusted for fluid loss. For example, the meeting of the Great Equivocator with Kung Fu Panda; the soccer world cup being hotly contested by B grade actors (e.g., that Brazilian guy with the sore ankle) in the Soviet Union/USSR/CCCP/Russia/all of the above; Scomo’s great GST fix (if anyone can explain it, let me know. My reading is it goes to 15.27% and Tasmania misses out); the despicable practice of slut-shaming reflecting the decline of parliamentary standards; the looming penumbra of democracy (just never got off the ground in some places); the Cartier exhibition at the NGA. Your correspondent attended the latter and was impressed by the standard of personal adornment one can achieve if one has considerably more money than one requires. And yet I couldn’t suppress the unworthy thought that the baubles were akin to the lamb chop hung around the neck of an unprepossessing child so that the dog would play with him.

Winners & Grinners

The captain introduced our guests, Glen and Siobhan Fiddick, all the way from Scotland. Ted Evans made the pilgrimage with news from Queanbeyan. In a rare quinella the googly ball and the dummy spit award went to the same person, Alex Gordon (dobbed in by his mother). NTP and LD ball winners were Keith France x 2, Vicki Still, Ken Gordon and Pete Harrison.

Winners

The nine hole comp was won by the team of Vicki Still and Larry King on 29.9 strokes after handicap, from Deb and Alex Gordon 32.7 and Joan and Lofty Mason in 3rd place with 35.6. The 19 hole comp was taken out by the team of Ken Gordon and Pete Harrison 60.0 from runners-up Keith France and John Whitney 63.025.

The August comp will be sponsored by the Tradies, people who have found uses for their opposed thumbs other than for texting and Grand Theft Auto. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 August for the usual 12.30pm start. Feel free to wear your tiara.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Windsor Castle, Sunday 3 June. The Editor sent your correspondent to Royalla to report on the Lundy wedding but due to a communication breakdown he went to London to report on the royal wedding. Hence this belated coverage of the June EOFY Pennant, sponsored by the Urquhart and Beckett families whom we thank for the calories and loot. Apparently it was a fine Winter’s day in Wamboin which produced a vast field of finely-tuned athletes who took to the hills and dales of this earthly paradise brandishing equipment made famous by Mary Queen of Scots.

Shep's High Drive

Back at the Tower your correspondent was able to provide hitherto unreported details of the marriage of ageing private detective, Miss Marple, to Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. The nuptials took place in a draughty chapel attached to HM the Q’s humble little weekender outside London. In true gate-crashing tradition I elbowed aside the grace-and-favour mob and all those uppity A Listers to snag a seat upfront next to an old chap with dark circles under his eyes, sipping from a hip flask. He looked about a hundred but was prepared to share his tipple so an enjoyable half hour was spent giggling at the silly hats.

The crowd was anxious to see Miss Marple’s dress which had occasioned much speculation in the media. My new buddy and I were hoping for Priscilla, Queen of the Desert meets early Kardashian but she rolled up in something quite simple by da Vinci. Some commented on her train. Surely the groom’s family was rich enough to spring for a car. Some of these aristocrats are closer than a dead heat. The Prince and his best man (his brother, W D & H O Wills) wore navy blue uniforms (obviously Carlton fans). Hamlet was torn between his brother and his close friend, Tobias Smollett, for best man (“Toby or not Toby, that is the question”). Wills was cranky. He had already been booked to hand over the FA Cup at Wembley that afternoon. He thought that a royal wedding on the pitch at halftime would enable him to see the game and give the spectators some unforgettable halftime entertainment. Certainly better than Meatloaf.

Winners & Grinners
Winners

The captain cut short the eloquent flow by welcoming our guests, Rhoda and Jack Dendrin, fresh from the Chelsea flower show. The googly ball went to Tim Barter for a bad shot that turned out better than it deserved. The dummy spit award was shared by Tim and Alex Gordon. Madison Gordon again won the encouragement award. NTP and LD ball winners were Glen Crafter x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Alex Gordon, Deb Gordon, Colin Urquhart, and Vicki Still (playing in one gumboot).

Junior comp winner was Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the nine hole comp was Sam Urquhart 50/25 from runner-up Glen Crafter 37/28. The 18 hole comp was taken out by the old firm (“old firm what?” I hear you cry) of Vicki Still 89/63 from Tim Barter 72/64.

On Sunday, 1 July the Wamboin GC will host the annual GST Anniversary T Shirt when we all add ten per cent to our handicaps. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30 pm shotgun start.

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

The Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

Sunday, 6 May. My old mate Bill Shakespeare, the well-known local thespian and theatrical impresario, said to me as follows: “Larry, old pal, as it fell upon a day in the merry month of May, sitting in a pleasant shade which a grove of myrtles made, beasts did leap and birds did sing, trees did grow and plants did spring…” I said “hold it right there, Shakers old sport. You’re thinking of the Northern hemisphere.” To which he replied “so why are you playing golf in a T-shirt?” He had me there. If not for Autumn’s golden gown it could have been a beautiful Spring day for the annual R&A Wamboin May Day Spectacular, sponsored by the Ancient Mariner (T Barter) and the Intrepid Birdman (P Griffin) whom we thank for the prizes and sustenance (although much of the work was done by the Intrepid Bird woman, Diana). The sponsors decreed stroke play so with a song on our lips we set off into the wide blue yonder.

Saddle Up

Back at the old tin shed, while the captain endeavored to sort the lies from the equivocations on the score cards, we discussed Budget. There was general agreement that a federal Budget of any hue is a taxonomy (get it?) of the things that will never happen. Just a few examples: the Budget will attain surplus at a specified date (translation - when hell freezes); all battlers will get a tax cut (translation – all those who fought in the Boer War will get a tax cut); more money will be spent on R&D (translation – we’re going to search and destroy all those pesky dual citizens); no banker will be living in poverty by 2019 (OK, so that one got through). Talking about bankers, we were all mightily amused at the treatment handed out to those minders of our money including AMP (not to be confused with the first one in the morning). Pugnacious royal commissioner, Jarryd Hayne, fresh from his gridiron experience, is really “sacking” the quarterbacks and wide receivers of the finance world. Keep it up Jarryd. Don’t take a backward step.

Winners
Winners & Grinners

The captain introduced our visitors Bruce and Kerry Ilosis and the Lomond brothers Ben and Lach. The googly ball went to Ted Evans who read a letter from a female member of the ADF. The dummy spit award was won by the captain for his rant about players and markers signing score cards. LD and NTP ball winners were Alex Gordon, Tim Barter x 3, Dean Joy, Vicki Still, Pete Harrison, Kyle Griffin x 2 and Ken Gordon.

Grinners

The encouragement award went to Alex Gordon for a creditable 47/23. Winner of the nine hole comp was Deb Gordon 50/30, playing in a fivesome which included three juniors (the woman’s a saint!) from Ken Gordon 36/31 in a separate foursome. I’ll bet he copped it when he got home. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Kyle Griffin 100/61 from runner-up Vicki Still 91/66.

Next month, June, join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 3 June for the EOFY Handicap (your handicap minus the square root of your tax cut in 2018-19 to the 6th decimal point) kicking off at 12.30pm.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

Sunday, 1 April. No joke. A beautiful day which apparently saw the concurrence of Easter Sunday, April Fools day and the end of daylight saving – a coincidence as rare as Halley’s Comet. And, of course, the Wamboin Mini Masters, famed in song and story. It’s played in two rounds, each of six holes - the first to see who makes the cut. Competition is determined on stroke play with handicap and open divisions. The open winner gets a real green (well it used to be green) jacket, just like the ones they give out at Augusta National, except you’ve got to hand it back afterwards. There’s also the NTP novelty shots but we’ll save them for later. The Mini Masters is sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association, represented on the day by Palerang Mayor-in-perpetuity, Pete Harrison. We thank the WCA for the post-game food and prizes.

Saddle Up

Back at the clubhouse, while the acting captain coaxed the computer into revealing the names of the place getters, we all bemoaned the end of the world as we knew it as a result of the appalling treatment of our upright Australian cricketers, just for making certain necessary adjustments to the surface of the ball to ensure a better and faster game. But it’s an ill wind etc, etc. For every unctuous hand-wringer there are probably a dozen pubescent youths sniggering about the evocative term “ball tampering”.

Winners

The acting captain then welcomed our guest-of-honour, Mr Potus Trumpet, and invited him to present he prizes. That honour was to have gone to the QPR Mayor who was recently outed as a former member of the Liberal Party and thus ineligible: Wamboin GC rules exclude anyone with strong political convictions from officiating. So it was either Mr Trumpet or that vigilant guardian of your privacy, Mr Dark Suckerberg, boss of social media engine, MugShot. The googly ball was awarded to Joan Mason for the remarkable feat of driving over Shep’s Dam but still landing in the water. She accomplished this by hitting a stump on the other side. That’s golf at Wamboin, folks. The dummy was passed around from Tim Barter (general whingeing) to Joan Mason (specific whingeing – Shep’s dam refers).

Grinners

The winner of the handicap division was Vicki Still 70/53 from Runner-up Larry King 70/57. The winner of the Wamboin Mini Masters for 2018 was Tim Barter with 53 strokes from Paul Griffin on 58. It was another good day for Tim who won the NTP Novelty with an aggregate 38.2 metres from Paul 44.5. There are four obstacles: standing on a ramp; then on a tyre; one-handed; in a bunker. You can believe your correspondent when he says that the ramp and the tyre leave you feeling as precarious as a Russian spy delivering a handful of nerve agent. Next month is the merry month of May. The Commonwealth Games will be over and we can concentrate on the only sport at which you can’t cheat – apart from moving your ball or your opponent’s, treading on your opponent’s ball, dropping your bag during your opponent’s back swing, over-shadowing the cup when your opponent is putting and a thousand other things we just don’t do because it just isn’t cricket! So join us at the hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 May for the well-known 12.30pm start.

Larry King, golfer

March Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 4 March. Your correspondent had a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was in Sydney, sitting up front in St Mary’s cathedral listening to the King’s Singers (no relation) all the way from King’s College (not mine), Cambridge. Next door the LGBTIQ community were having their annual Coming Out Party, known as the G&L Mardi Gras. The church’s first female bishop was leading the parade on a float bedecked in precious jewels which she was throwing to the crowd (they clearly weren’t hers) who were shouting “Jewelry, Bishop! Jewelry, Bishop!” I was about to trouser a diamond the size of the Koh-I-Noor when a large uncouth individual wearing jockey shorts and an over-sized Akubra leaped off the float of the Gay Farmers of New England and ripped it from my hand, screaming “What about my unborn child!” At that point I awoke, regretting the cassoulet of green apples, curried eggs and baked beans I had consumed the night before. All of which explains why I didn’t make the monthly Wamboin golf day and this report comes to you second hand.

Donkey of Finn

The day was sponsored by Ken and Deb Gordon and their vivacious children whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. Play was deemed to be on the Stableford scoring system, so with a muttered oath or two from the mathematically challenged, golfers of the region girded their loins (not a pretty sight) and set off into the heart of darkness as my old mate, Joe Conrad, would have it.

Watergate

Back at the disco, as we all danced to the rhythms of Bronski Beat and marveled at the magical a cappella sound of the The Nylons (who could have given the Kings Singers a run for their money), discussion turned to the meltdown by QPR Councilor Malaria Hash, the Calamity Jane of local politics. Seems she has been casting aspersions on the staff of The Dear Leader, Kim Working Trousers, whose missile program is going great guns and has already taken out Clean Up Australia Day in the outlying regions of our hermit state. The captain called us to order by welcoming our guests, Gerhard Ryan and Katie and Samantha. Ted Evans celebrated his birthday by pointing dramatically to his new golf shoes.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to Vick Still and the dummy spit went to Tim Barter (details redacted under privacy law). NTP and LD ball winners were Colin Urquhart x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Ken Gordon, Deb Gordon, Gerhard Ryan, Pete Harrison and Paul Griffin.

Phoebe Beckett took out the juniors’ prize. Winner of the nine hole competition was Joan Mason on 21 Stableford points from runner-up Colin Urquhart 20 followed by Samuel Urquhart 16 OCB. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 38, from Gerhard Ryan 37 and Vicki still in 3rd place on 35.

Next month is April. Green fees will be waived for the first reader to correctly identify whether T S Eliot said it was (a) the cruelest month (b) the only month starting with A (c) the only month with 28 days. But the most important thing about April is that it’s the month of the Wamboin Mini Masters – the most fun you can have standing up with a golf club in your hand. So why not join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 April at the community hall for the usual 12.30pm start. There will be enough of us golfing April fools present to give you all the camouflage you need.

Larry King, golfer.

February Competition Results

Sunday, 4 February, very warm, like the greeting a foreign donor gets from a political party. Despite the breaking news of the serious security SNAFU embroiling the Wamboin Golf Club (more later), a pleasing number of finally-tuned athletes rolled up for the February liver-cleansing comp sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families, whom we thank for the healthy eats offset by the countervailing prizes.

Weepers Drive

Stroke play was the order of the day and with a song in our hearts we struck out for various parts of the manicured Wamboin course with our ears pricked for the sound of the trusty 410 shotgun which would signal the beginning of hostilities.

Back at base, talk turned to the scandalous breach of security referred to above. In case you’re not across it, let me summarise. A number of the club’s filing cabinets containing files classified TOP SECRET and AUSTEO (something to do with Panadol) were removed from club premises and found their way into the hands of the Australian Bolshevik Comintern (ABC). Instead of immediately returning them to the club, the ABC broadcast scurrilous reports of a confidential proposal to radically reduce the handicaps of junior players. In the event, the club decided not to go ahead with the idea but both ABC News and 1930hours (presented by that talented inquisitor, Red Sails) made it their lead story for the week. In other words, a story about something that didn’t happen!

Donkey of Finn

At least they got something right when they correctly reported ABS analysis of data confirming the global death rate had remained stable at 100%. The captain noted that if you torture a statistic long enough it’ll confess to anything. He then welcomed our guests Jen Cass, David Major, Lee Beamont and Timothy Nelson.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball was awarded to one of the club’s junior greenkeepers for getting his car locked in at Ron’s Dam Hole. The dummy spit went to his wife who complained—some thought reasonably—of the resulting inconvenience. After an absence, Ted Evans brought us up to date with the goings-on in Queanbeyan.

Grinners

The encouragement award went to Tim Nelson. The junior comp was won by Madz Gordon with 25 strokes from Alex Gordon and Phoebe Beckett. NTP and LD ball winners were Glenn Crafter 3, Vicki Still 2, Ken Gordon, Jen Cass, Keith France and Tim Barter. It was a tie in the senior nine hole comp with Deb Gordon 49 and Ken Gordon 35 both equal on 30 after handicap. (The captain was wise enough not to separate them on count back.) The senior 18 hole comp was taken out by Glenn Crafter 79/53 from runner-up Vicki Still 86/54.

Next month will be March according to the magnetic calendar on your correspondent’s fridge door. We look forward to all you mad March hares joining us at 12.15pm at the Wamboin community hall on Sunday, 4 March for the 12.30pm signal to begin another essay at that enjoyable but frustrating game invented by the fiendish Pictish people.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 7 January. A bloody hot day. I think it got to 39 or 40 at the airport. But up here in God’s Own it was a couple of degrees cooler, for what that was worth. The clever clogs played early in the morning but even then they had a glimpse of how Dante saw his jolly old Inferno.

Up the Creek

The day was to be sponsored by Wyagiba Trading but that walking pathology museum, Dave Hubbard, who had a challenging 2017, had an even rockier start to the New Year. Ever the golfer, he had the presence of mind to call the captain from his hospital bed as they prepared him for the theatre (and I’m not talking about the Capitol in Manuka) to register an apology. We wish him the best including a snappy recovery. Into the breach stepped Joan Mason and Peter Greenwood whom we thank for the last minute eats and prizes. In keeping with the club’s traditional response to extremes of temperature, play was restricted to a nine hole Stableford event, limited to three clubs. Uttering prayers to Ra we stumbled out into the hangi pit of the day.

Hall NTP

Back at the 19th the talk turned to the latest efforts of that “stable genius”, Donald Trumpet. Some thought it was a misprint: he meant stable genesis, referring to his happy upbringing. Others thought he meant table genius, meaning he could clear a table of cheese burgers in 60 seconds. But most agreed he meant what he said: he was a genius compared to the other horses in the stable. Which adds up when you consider his uncanny similarity to the back end of a horse including the tail.

Winners & Grinners

Having sorted that out, the captain welcomed our guests, local pasta makers Al and Margaret Dentay and Scott and Lila Mason all the way from FNQ. The googly ball went to Vicki Still for rescuing Wodger the wonder dog from the clutches (literally) of a large kangaroo while suffering significant personal injuries. The dummy spit was awarded to Scott Mason who complained bitterly about having to get up at 6.30am to play golf. Apparently they leap out of bed at the crack of noon in FNQ.

NTP and LD ball winners were Tim Barter 2, Larry King 2 and Paul Griffin 2. The junior comp resulted in a tie between Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Pete Harrison with 23 Stableford points from Paul Griffin in second place on 17 and Lofty Mason 3rd on 15. Well played, all!

Demonstrating the sporting nature of this corner of Greater Queanbeyan, there is to be a mixed sports day on Sunday 14 January starting at 12.30pm. The program includes boules, badminton, swimming and kangaroo wrangling. On Australia Day (look it up, do I have to do everything for you?) there will be a nine hole comp on various Wamboin estates commencing at 4pm. No wonder we’re so fit and healthy! And the next official Wamboin golf day will be on Sunday, 4 February, sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families. See you at the Hall at 12.15pm for the customary 12.30pm shotgun start.

Larry King, stable golfer

2017

December Competition Results

This report comes to you from Mahogany Ark, afloat on Lake George after the Great Deluge over the weekend of 2/3 December. I’ve been collecting two of every species. So far I’ve got two shingle backs, two blue tongues, two browns, two tigers and two red-bellied blacks. I’m having trouble in determining the sex of the snakes. Apparently the sexes differ in the number of ventral scales—that’s the number of scales from the vent (rectum to you) and the tail. But the snake has to cooperate in the counting process.

Pine Slice

And talking about cooperation, what about our brave and helpful local member, Seve Bolero, the grand poobah of the NSW Country Party, publicly calling on our Malcolm to resign, eh? And done with the courage and courtesy typical of the true statesman—before he actually shirt-fronted Malcolm. Not to mention the seasoned politician’s finely-tuned sense of occasion—just when James Joyce, man of letters and federal leader of the National Country Party, was trying to clamber back into the trough. Keep it up, Seve. History beckons.

But the subject is golf, specifically the R & A Wamboin GC’s Christmas competition which drew a curtain across the club’s programme of events for 2017. Once the floodwaters had subsided we donned Arthur Wellesley’s famous boots, kept calm and carried on. The day was sponsored by the Harrisons and Greenwoods whose generous contribution of refreshments and prizes is gratefully acknowledged.

Short 'n Sweet

As we dried off back on high ground, we learned that Scrooge McDougal, manager of the local branch of the Indigo Bank, is understandably excited about the banking industry royal commission. He hopes the four big outfits get the shellacking they deserve. Your correspondent has an alternative perspective. The inquiry should concentrate on what those plonkers at APRA, ACCC and ASIC were doing while the banks were dry cleaning our money and generally ripping everyone off. Meanwhile, there’s to be another (ho hum) royal wedding. The red-headed chap with the beard is getting hitched to Miss Marple, the elderly private detective.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests Charlie and Helen Montesin of no fixed abode. Ted Evans told us of a new use for pancakes. Pete Harrison got the googly ball for wanting to play on after his drive from tee 16 landed on fairway 17. (Come on, you can work it out.) John Whitney got the dummy spit (again) for suggesting complications to the 9 hole comp.

Prizegiving

LD and NTP ball winners were Paul Griffin 2, John Whitney 2, Vicki Still, Alex Gordon, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter and Glen Crafter. Paul Griffin was also awarded his prize for taking out the 2017 Eclectic, as reported last month. The junior comp was won by Alex Gordon. The 9 hole comp was won by Ken Gordon 35/30 with Joan Mason runner-up on 47/36 after eliminating a sponsor. The 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 68/58 (a new course record after breaking his own record set in last month’s Open!) from Paul Griffin 82/62 and Glen Crafter 91/66 (a handicap which may not stand).

Our next golf day will be in 2018, a whole year away. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 7 January at 12.15pm for the traditional 12.30pm kick off. And wear a smile. It might be another terrific year. But check the archaic meaning of terrific while having a moderately merry Christmas and a happy and safe New Year.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

Your correspondent recently celebrated a significant birthday ending in zero. I won’t tell you what it was. Many readers of these reports think they’re written by a 12-year-old and I don’t want to puncture their illusions. I mention it merely to emphasise the passage of time leading us to the 32nd Wamboin Open which was contested on Sunday, 5 November, a warm breezy late Spring day. The Open is sponsored by the Wamboin Golf Club, which we thank for the refreshments and prizes. And speaking of food, a special thanks to Joan and her legion of helpers in the kitchen. Thanks also to Jerry at Dan Murphy’s for some wine and the handy carry bags.

Memorial Drive

Out on the course a rare Phoenix egg was discovered – actually a melted golf ball found in the ashes of the bonfire from that September night of the world famous Wamboin Fireworks staged by local pyrotechnical engineer, Robert Louis Stevenson (Stevenson’s Rocket), and the rest of the team at Fireworks Australia. More of that later.

Saddle Up

Back at the station while the Captain toted the scores we all scratched our heads at the plight of the poor old Federal Government and its run of bad luck over the dual citizenship imbroglio. It seems the High Court has confirmed that two isn’t, in fact, better than one (even if you’re a Tasmanian). The Court appeared to reaffirm an earlier judgement that unless you’ve taken “reasonable steps” to repudiate any previous foreign entanglements, you’re gone. But you have to have done so before accepting the Queen’s Shilling, so to speak. And talking of Her Maj, monarchists are up in arms at the suggestion that if the Constitution is to be changed to fix the Section 44 mess, we may as well become a republic at the same time. Menzies would be spinning in his grave. The former PM famously said of HM QE II, “I did but see her passing by, so I hit her with a custard pie”. Deep, very deep.

Winners & Grinners
Dummy Spit Award

The Captain welcomed our guests, Anna and Charles Conder. Ted Evans brought us up to date with goings-on in our twin city, Queanbeyan. The Googly Ball in the form of the Phoenix egg (see above) was awarded to the Captain for being a hot shot – or something that sounds like it. Tim Barter got the Dummy Spit Award for whingeing his way through the front nine while playing the game of his life (see below). The Encouragement Award was shared by Alex and Madison Gordon. LD and NTP ball winners were Len Ivey, Vicki Still, John Whitney x 2, Charles Guscott, Tim Barter x 2 and Pete Harrison x 2.

And now, as John Philip Sousa strikes up the band we can announce the 2017 Wamboin Open results. The Eclectic 9 Holes, Lofty Mason. Eclectic 18 Holes, Paul Griffin. Junior champion (9 Holes), Phoebe Beckett 71/26. Nine Hole Club Champion, Larry King 47/34 from runner-up Lofty Mason 48/37. 18 Hole Club Champion, Pete Harrison 92/55, from Vicki Still 83/57 and John Whitney 3rd on 77/62. The 2017 Ladies Open Champion (9 Holes) is Joan Mason 50. The 2017 Men’s Open Champion is Tim Barter 70 – a new course record. Congratulations to our worthy winners and to all who took part.

With very few shopping days 'til Christmas, now is the time to rush out and buy that new carbon fibre driver so you can dazzle us at the Wamboin Christmas competition when the Community Hall will be decked with boughs of holly or serrated tussock or lantana or something.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

Sunday, 1 October. A pleasantly warm Spring day with a gentle breeze fanning the sports fans of the P part of the QP Region who had gathered at the community hall for the Oktober Komp sponsored by L & L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats.

Ron's Dam Hole

We were all over the moon, beside ourselves and cock-a-hoop (which isn’t as painful as it sounds) at the previous day’s result in the AFL grand final. Would you believe it? After 37 years our very own Bungendore Tigers had prevailed over the Adelaide Mudchooks. No, not the Mudchooks. It was some other form of inedible poultry from South Australia. Your correspondent is not normally a follower of the “four sticks” game—described by an American viewer as “one long fumble”. It was instructive, however, to observe 100,000 people in one place; it instructed him to stick with the sensibly-sized crowds at the Mick Sherd. Before play commenced L King (not to be confused with L King) moved the suspension of so much of standing orders as would prevent a sponsor from winning a prize. This motion failed for lack of a seconder. The mover then petulantly decreed that competition would be based on the mysterious and impenetrable Stableford scoring system.

Twin Gums

Back in the dressing shed as we sucked on oranges and peptides and applied the Dencorub and Voltaren, the irrepressible grand finals fever continued. Many were eagerly anticipating the NRL grand final that evening when the FNQ Bovinepersons (the F stands for Far, by the way) would take on the Melbourne Tempest. But all of us were nervously awaiting the outcome of the biggie, the Superbowl of the silly haircuts: Donald Trumpet’s Basket of Deplorables versus Kim Wrong-un’s Hermit Crabs (unless there was a late scratching) to be played out on the Korean Peninsula—and elsewhere if things get messy, in which case any seat will be a good one.

Winners & Grinners
Prizegiving

The Captain welcomed our visitors from the coast, Len and Linda Ivey, former residents of this parish. Ted Evans regaled us with anecdotes from that regional power base, Queanbeyan, to be ruled for the next three years by that nice Mr Working Trousers. The googly ball went to the mover of the motion above. He was lucky to avoid the dummy spit which, for the first time, went to the normally even-tempered Paul Griffin who queried why he had to accept a two stroke penalty when after teeing off the ball hit a rock, came back and struck his club. LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter 2, Keith France 2, Paul Griffin 2, Pete Harrison 3 and Joan Mason. The winner of the nine hole comp was Joan Mason with 13 Stableford points from Lofty Mason 12 and Samuel Urquhart 3rd on 11. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Vicki Still 42 (goodbye current handicap) from Keith France 40 and Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 39 points.

The month of November will mark the region’s golfing grand final, otherwise known as the 32nd Wamboin Open. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start on Sunday, 5 November to see if you can get your name on the honour board as open or handicap champion in the nine or 18 hole events. US rapper, Macklemore, will provide the après golf entertainment when he premiers his new hit single, Old White Dudes.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

Sunday, 3 September 2017. A warm early Spring day spoilt by winds gusting to 60 clicks. But never yet did a howling gale deter the hardy golfers of the region who gathered in their thousands, or somewhere near it, to contest the universally famous Wamboin Spring Trophy which, for over 30 years, has been sponsored by the Mason family. The sponsors decreed a three-club day, (one of which had to be a putter) decided by stroke play. And so, with a song on our lips and hope in our hearts we donned our cleated boots and set off into the untamed Wamboin savanna.

Back at base camp the acting captain welcomed our guests, David Shellard and the entire Urquhart clan lead by Colin and Sam (sorry, I didn’t get everyone’s name, I was concentrating on spelling Urquhart). Of course everybody wanted to talk about the forthcoming QPRC elections. Many had attended meet-the-candidates night to witness the tradition of putative politicians kissing hands and shaking babies and saying things like “can you hear me up the back?” (The correct answer is “yes, but I’m prepared to swap with someone who can’t”.) Amongst the many interesting presentations your correspondent, who admittedly had skin in the game, could sometimes detect a fine sprinkling of that great old fertiliser BOVINE SH-one-T. But it’s a tough gig with little love in the room. When I said to the person sitting next to me I thought one speaker had made a good point the terse response was “even an idiot can have a good idea”. The sensation of the night came when the chairperson announced that a candidate I won’t name was not an escaped convict; he had, in fact, served his full sentence. (That’s not true. I just threw it in to see if you were awake. Politics can be a bit tedious.) Thankfully conversation turned to the proliferation of the eastern grey kangaroo. There was much empathy with the measured and moderately-expressed views of our own Wamboin Muse.

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Keith

The googly ball went to David Shellard for staying on at the 19th in his Yellows after a call-out which was actually a pager broadcast about the next day’s expected fire weather. The dummy was passed around from Glen Crafter to Tim Barter via Keith France for various embarrassing displays of temperament on the course. The encouragement award went to the youngest Urquhart (Katie, I think). NTP and LD ball winners were Keith France 3, Pete Harrison 3, Sam Urquhart, Colin Urquhart, Ken Gordon and Tim Barter. The winner of the junior comp was Alex Gordon (Maddie was runner-up). Winner of the nine hole comp was Larry King with a nett 31 OCB from Glen Crafter. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Keith France 56 from Tim Barter 59.

Join us on Sunday, 1 October for the rollicking Oktoberfest Kompetition. We have ways of making you have fun. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm shotgun start.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Sunday 6 August. A cold blustery day. The brass monkeys were keeping local boilermaker, James Watt, busy unfreezing the old round objects. A rather ill-judged email, sent round the day before by the captain, may have had the effect of reducing numbers in the field by inviting the poltroonish to at least attend the 19th if they were intimidated by the weather. Your correspondent was one of the poltroons, the result of a surfeit of Schweineknochel and red wine the previous evening. The day was sponsored by the Tradies—Don, Henk, Trent and Col—chaps that can hammer in nails which don’t include the one on the thumb. We thank them for the useful prizes (adzes, planes, axes, screwdrivers, etc.) and the filling repast, especially Henk’s notorious pea and ham soup (ancient family recipe; killed every one on the Batavia).

Back at the Forge, a raging fire completed the work of Mr Watt’s oxy-welding equipment while the captain welcomed our guests, Al and Irene Packer, fine wool producers of Weeroona Drive. It was noted by many that the 46 mls of rain we received during the week only partially relieved the drought caused by the scandalous theft of water from the Murray-Darling basin up north. Reassured by the knowledge that Seve Bolero, local member and State leader of the Country Party, has the matter well in hand, we went on to marvel at the wizard japes going on at the Commonwealth Bank. Not only will the bank look after your money, they’ll now wash and iron it for you! Add that to the loot the bank trousered from its financial advisers and insurance policies and the cash rates-fixing adventure, it’s no wonder the share price is tanking. Someone, possibly that nice Mr Narev, may miss out on their bonus. Meanwhile, local green thumbed nurseryman, poor old Scotty Ludlum, lost his job just for being born in New Zealand. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Winners & Grinners
Tim & Don

The googly ball went to the mover of the motion that if you don’t play you don’t eat. He was ruled out of order. The dummy spit was awarded to Vicki Still who spoilt an otherwise creditable 18 holes by various tanties on the course. She also got the encouragement award (to encourage her to stop moaning and get on with it). The winner of the junior comp was Madison Gordon. The winner of the nine hole comp was Lofty Mason with 40 off the stick for a handicap-adjusted 27. Second was Joan Mason 42/30 OCB from Ken Gordon 3rd on 38/30. The 18 hole comp was won by Tim Barter 80/65. Runner-up was Paul Griffin 86/67 followed by Vicki Still in third place with 109/71. Well done, all!

Next month is September. (My, isn’t the year flashing past—just like Usain Bolt used to.) So join us at the Wamboin community hall on Sunday 3 September at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30 take-off when we will compete for the Spring Trophy. Should be a lot of fun; the sponsors, the family Mason, have decreed a three-club day and there will, of course, be Mme Mason’s famous spring rolls. WARNING: there will be citizenship check at the door. Those born in NZ, UK or Canada get in free.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

Sunday, 2 July. Cold as a well digger’s knee. But bright sunshine and little or no wind. Perfect day for chasing the white, dimpled ball. The day was sponsored by the Antediluvian Order of Sailors and Airpersons. We extend our thanks to Tim Barter and Paul (and mainly Diana) Griffin for the prizes and refreshments at the 19th. The sponsors specified a Stableford competition but set off early without informing anyone else so the rest of us played Stroke.

Watergate

Back at the Hall the Captain eventually sorted it out, muttering dark imprecations into his beard. As he did so we all stood around playing the new Census Game: spot the non-believing 30 per cent. It’s harder than you think. Those pesky infidels look just like ordinary people. Anyway, when we tired of that we got back to deploring the state of national politics. For example, the Federal Watermelons (green on the outside, red on the inside) are having a real donnybrook with their NSW branch lead by that unruly Senator Rhiannon (must be a big fan of Fleetwood Mac). Meanwhile, Tony Rabbit, the former PM, known to his friends as the Bitter Lemon or Passion Fingers, is roaming the country firing off big ideas and generally demonstrating the benefits of an Oxford education. And Bill is sitting on his hands while Mal nicks some of his ideas. Bill still thinks he won the last bout on points just like Jeff Horn (who actually did). At the international level we could hardly wait for the meeting between Don the Equivocator and Vlad the Impaler. Your correspondent would have liked to have been amongst the press corps for that much-touted shirt fronting but the editor wouldn’t spring for the cost. Which is odd because he said I can go to Pyongyang any time I like. Ah well, another report from Mahogany Ridge coming up.

The captain welcomed our guests, Len Ivey from the Coast and Joanne and Sebastian Bach from Leipzig. Ted Evans reported on a classy wedding in Queanbeyan. Even the shotgun was painted white.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Lofty Mason for his feat of hitting four trees from the tee. You don’t get golf like that in the city. The dummy spit was awarded to Bernard Tomic for failing to put up with the crushing boredom of Wimbledon. Deb Gordon took out the encouragement award by walking the nine hole course with one of those walking sticks you can sit on.

Tim, Alex & Paul

LD and NTP ball winners were Alex Gordon 3 (Alex also won the NAGA. Hmm…), Ken Gordon 2, Charles Guscott, Larry King, Len Ivey and Paul Griffin. Winner of the junior nine hole comp was Madison Gordon (they’re all over the place aren’t they?) with 75 off the stick for a handicap-adjusted 40. The senior nine hole comp winner was Larry King 44/20, from Lofty Mason 50/37, with daylight 3rd. Charles Guscott took out first place in the 18 hole comp with 37 Stableford points from Pete Harrison 34 points, there followed by Len Ivey 32 points.

Next month’s comp will be sponsored by the Tradies, those clever clogs adept with hammers and screwdrivers and such. Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm ICBM fired by our old mate, Kim Wrong-un.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Sunday, 4 June. Winter. But that didn’t prevent a number of the region’s hardy denizens with reasonable hand-eye coordination from gathering at the community hall for the Wamboin Winter Whack sponsored by Matt O’Brien and Kevin Rowe. We thank both those ornaments of the local bush fire brigade for the prizes and eats at the 19th. And talking about prizes, you’ll never guess who agreed to present them this month. No, not Margaret Court. Someone less controversial—Schapelle Corby! At least we think it was Schapelle. We’re pretty sure we invited her, but the woman who turned up was covered from head to toe in a hessian bag. It could have been a case of mistaken identity, like when a humble KGB cipher clerk, Donalovitch Trumpski changed his name by deed poll (according to the FBI) and went on to become the Great Equivocator.

Panorama

Back at Kerobokan-on-Bingley, your correspondent tried to get a few quotable quotes for the Whisper from our guest of honour– seeing how we’d scooped the mass media – but all she muttered was “in a minute” or “sixty minutes” or something and then she was off like a baggie of Acapulco Gold in the sun. The acting captain welcomed our guests, Logan Robinson, Emile and Gorgon Zola, as well as Ivan and Anna Felactic. Ted Evans played a game with everyone’s nick names.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Matt O’Brien for his breach of golfing etiquette by mendaciously falling over while another player was addressing the ball. In yet another travesty of justice your correspondent got the dummy spit award for complaining that he was struck by Deb Gordon’s ball. He was accused – get this – of misogyny and chauvinism. Bring back the glass ceiling, I say!

Paul & Kev

The encouragement award went to Alex Gordon for playing his first 18 hole comp. LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 3, Pete Harrison 2, Larry King, Joan Mason, Logan Beckett and Paul Griffin. The junior comp was won by Logan Beckett with 48 off the stick and 30 after adjustment for handicap. The nine hole comp was taken out by Lofty Mason 40/25 from Ian Picker 45/31, with the homicidal Deb Gordon 50/31 in third place. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/60 from runner-up Pete Harrison 99/62, followed by Ken Gordon 74/64.

The sponsors of next month’s comp will be the Old Sailors and Airmen. So join us at the community hall on Sunday 2 July at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm blast off. The five new holes are still a bit raw but we understand that the cost of the landscaping will be covered by the flood of Chinese cash that’s washing around Australia at the moment – when we can prise some away from Malcolm and Bill.

Larry King, golfer

May Competition Results

Keith & Kathy

Sunday, 7 May 2017. A red letter day for the R & A Wamboin GC. We commissioned five new holes—eat your liver, Queanbeyan GC! The holes are on the property of Keith France and Kathy Handel who sponsored the day. Not their usual EOFY-add-10%-to-your-handicap nonsense but a genuine Stableford competition to welcome the new part of the course. We thank them not only for the prizes and refreshments but also their generosity in helping the club plan for the future by making their property available.

Panorama

Back at the Hall after the usual four hours of elation, despondency and profanity, conversation turned to the vexing, and slightly worrying question of whether the darn old Trumpet would rain nukes on Kim Wrong-un, Grand Imperial Haircut of North Korea, and what it would mean for the rest of us. No one knew. And we soon lost interest when it was pointed out that Ponce de Leon was not only the first governor of Spanish Puerto Rico but also discovered Florida. No, your correspondent didn’t know that either. But it struck him forcibly, if sadly, that you rarely ever meet anyone called Ponce these days. When was the last time this august journal of record reported that ”raw-boned loose forward, Ponce O’Shaunessy, scored two tries in the Mudchooks’ victory over the Bushpigs”? Or “William Ponce McGillicuddy was arrested in Norton Road for being six times over the limit”? Or “young Ponce Smithsonian won the maths prize at Bungendore Primary”. It doesn’t happen does it? Whatever became of such grand old names? (Don’t write in. I’ve got a feeling we all know the answer.)

Winners & Grinners
Tribute

After the captain welcomed our guests, Ponce and Viola di Gamba (just kidding), he complimented local cartographer, Neville “Mercator” Schroder for the beautiful maps of the new course which saved us from wandering, Moses-like, in the French wilderness. Ted Evans and his straight man then paid a moving tribute to two men, one sadly dead and one very much alive: the late John Clarke and the early Pete Harrison. The Googly Ball was thrown around a bit before it was awarded to the person who played three shots with Ken Gordon’s ball before returning it to him. The Dummy went to John Whitney for drawing attention to some of the blemishes on the new holes. His defence of “constructive suggestion” was deemed invalid under new rule 8: each complaint about the state of the course is penalised one beer to the greenkeeper. We all joined with Tim Barter in deploring the lapse in standards by the Wamboin Whisper in publishing obscene photos of horses. Where it would end, we asked.

Keith & Kathy

NTP and LD ball winners were Pete Harrison 3, Ken Gordon 2, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Keith France, Vicki Still and Tim Barter. The junior winner was Phoebe Beckett. The 9 hole comp was taken out by Lofty Mason with 17 Stableford points from Larry King on 14 and Joan Mason on 12. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 40 on a count back from John Whitney. Our moral crusader, Tim Barter, was 3rd on 38. Join us at the Wamboin Community Hall next month on Sunday, 4 June at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm pyrotechnic when we once again bring first class golf to the region. Meanwhile try this on your friends: What’s the difference between POTUS and the US fauna emblem? Answer: They’re both bald but one hides it better than the other.

Larry King, golfer

April Competition Results

Sunday 2 April 2017. The Masters. Not that cheap, tawdry thing they have in Augusta GA, but the real thing – the Wamboin Mini Masters, famed in song and story. In case you’re unfamiliar with this great sporting event, here’s how it works.

Vicki

Of the 18 picturesque holes of this PGA status course, only six are in play: Firebreak Five, Pine Slice, Short-and-Sweet, Saddle Up, Ron’s Dam (or damn) Hole and Shep’s High Drive. All players—men, women, children, domestic animals and passing aliens—play those holes then return to the Hall where the tournament officials determine who has made the cut. Then we play the same holes again to sort out who wears the Grimy Jacket.

Joan

Got it? But wait, there’s more! At the Hall the novelty shots are played, viz: closest to the pin standing on a tyre, a ramp, in a sand box and with one arm. (No, not simultaneously, you idiot!) Everyone must do this. No churlish backsliding is accepted. The hilarity engendered defies description.

Scott

The day, a beautiful mild Autumn one, was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association. We thank that august body for the prizes and refreshments. And we acknowledge the catering skills of acting president, Peter Evans. The acting captain welcomed our guests, Scott and Lila Mason, on the chicken run from the big circular wind ‘oop North. The Googly Ball went to Cyclone Debbie (Deb Gordon) after it was taken off Charles Guscott for spitting the dummy having played the shot of lifetime on a hole not in play! Ted Evans resolved that age-old issue of how long is a piece of string: if you cut off both ends it’s endless. While club officials sorted out the scores, we all marvelled at the startling, new QPR logo, based on the Rorschach Test. (Not to be confused with the Raw Prawn Test.) Your correspondent blushes to admit to what he sees when he looks at it. Anyway, congratulations to our hard-working Administrator, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, for thinking it up.

Winners & Grinners
Don

But now the results. Encouragement awards went to Lila Mason and Phoebe Beckett. The Pitching Comp winners were: NTP ramp, Scott Mason 1.7 metres; NTP tyre, Scott Mason 6.4m; NTP one hand, Scott Mason 6.6m (he’s very good with one hand); NTP bunker, Tim Barter 5.3m and best overall (not Tim) pitcher with an aggregate 24.7m - yes, you guessed it. The handicap comp winner was Pete Harrison with 71 strokes for a net 45 from runner-up, the ubiquitous Scott Mason 55/46. The junior master was Mads Gordon with 48 strokes over six holes. The Masters runner-up was Tim Barter on 51. And as the hautboys and sackbuts sound an alarum it can be revealed that the 2017 Wamboin Master, resplendent in a jacket of indefinite hue, is Ken Gordon on 50 strokes.

Next month the day will be sponsored by the Ancient Mariners and Sky Pilots Association so please join us at the Wamboin Community Hall on Sunday 7 May at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, to set the record straight, your correspondent did not say that the White House was occupied by an underclass of social degenerates led by a lying guttersnipe. I just thought it. Alright, sometimes I think out loud. But, either way, they can’t do you for thinking. Yet.

Larry King, golfer.

March Competition Results

Short'nSweet

Mahogany Ridge, Marlin Hotel, Ulladulla, Sunday, 5 March. “I had written her a letter which I had, for want of better knowledge, sent to where I’d met her down Maroubra years ago. She was surfing when I knew her so I sent the letter to her just on spec addressed as follows – Nancy of the Undertow.” Those immortal words of Mandolin Paterson (cousin of Banjo) steal into the vacant spaces of your correspondent’s alleged mind as he sits here nursing one of Dr Resch’s fine neck oils and contemplating the pellucid waters of this attractive coastal town’s fine harbour. Meanwhile two great sporting events were taking place on either side of the continent. In the Golden West, Rocky Burnett’s coalition parties were playing extreme politics. In the East the fit and toned athletes of the QPR were engaged in the extreme golf of the Wamboin Mad March competition. Rocky went down in a screaming heap. Even an appeal to the DRS didn’t help. It confirmed that (a) he’d been at the crease too long and (b) he shouldn’t have done his Faustian preferences deal with Pauline’s Onanist Nation.

Winners & Grinners
Weepers

Back East we were faring better. For starters, the day was sponsored by the finely-tuned members of the Gordon family who provided the prizes and the food for which we thank them from the bottom of our hearts or thereabouts. The captain welcomed our guests, Ted Evans from the thriving metrolops of Greater Queanbeyan, and the Gorhams all the way from Boorowa (where Barnaby Joyce is relocating the Australian Wheat Board).

Deb

The Googly Ball was awarded to the female members of the Beckett and Gordon families for reasons which will remain obscure but which, I am assured, do not raise questions of misogyny or sexism. The Dummy Spit went to a young gentleman we shall identify only by his name, Alex Gordon. The encouragement award (junior 9 holes) was presented to Phoebe Beckett while a similar award (seniors 18 holes) went to Rob Gorham for getting out of bed. NTP and LD ball winners were Ken Gordon x 3, Matt O’Brien x 2, Tim Barter x 2, Pete Harrison, Alex Gordon and Rob Gorham. The longest drive for a drink was won by Marylou Gorham. The junior comp winner (9 holes) was Madison Gordon with 65 off the stick for an adjusted 23 (and they reckon the handicapper isn’t an old softie!). The seniors 9 hole comp was taken out by Ken Gordon 36/31 from his close personal friend, Deb Gordon 53/35. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter75/59 from runner-up Matt O’Brien 103/66 with Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 108/70. Tim’s mojo was really working: his 75 off the stick makes him a contender for the course record, subject to checking club historical documents.

Next month – April, in case you’ve been drifting – will see the annual struggle for the grey (formerly green) jacket as the region’s golfers vie for the famous Wamboin Mini Masters. You are cordially invited to join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday 2 April for the 12.30pm kick off. In the meantime, isn’t our flash new supermarket on the Kings Highway the ant’s pants? They should put up a great big neon sign with an equally flash name chosen by public competition. To start the ball rolling your correspondent suggests Bungendore’s BIGA IGA. Keep those entries flooding in!

Larry King, golfer

February Competition Results

Greenwood's Ruins

Sunday 5 February 2017. A very hot day. 35 Celsius in the shade of a barbed wire fence. But a steady breeze over a healthy sweat had a kind of evaporative effect so the plucky golfers of the region sucked it up as they contested the Wamboin February Stableford. The day was sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families to whom we extend our gratitude for the prizes and food at the 19th.

Hotel 19

Back at the community hall we stood around comparing our Australia Day gongs. Did you get one? Your correspondent’s must be in the mail – which bothers him a bit because that nice but underpaid Mr Ahab Fervour, the Australia Post CEO, got his already. I think it was for delivering a postal service slightly faster than Cobb & Co but slower than the Pony Express. And it explains why I didn’t get my invitation to the Incarceration Ball in DC (as we Deplorables call the epicentre of power-without-purpose) in honour of the old “alternative fact” machine himself, President Donald Trumpet. But I was buoyed by the news that my old mate, David Sodey, the lisping former CEO of Telstra, got a gong too. (Can’t remember what got him across the line.) Go Dave! All consumers of information and communications technology salute you. Good to see that Bungendore pastry chef, Cosi Panini, was made our Australia Day local hero. Cosi is starting his own political party, the Australian Preservatives, which will give a voice to those otherwise disenfranchised people who make conserves and stuff like that. Break a leg, Cosi!

Winners & Grinners
Prizegiving

After the captain welcomed our guest, Tony Fitzgerald, Ted Evans and his straight man injected an air of cabaret with some ancient golf stories. Deb Gordon was awarded the Googly Ball for enjoying the day without the usual encumbrances. The Dummy was passed around between Lofty Mason—who complained that because he played early in the morning to avoid the heat of the day he missed out being a ball winner—to Tim Barter who whined about ripping his finger on the fence at Ron’s Dam Hole (what a big girl’s blouse!). NTP and LD winners (sadly not including Lofty) were Tim Barter 4 (!), Tony Fisher 2, Matt O’Brien 2, Ken Gordon and Larry King. Third place getter in the 9 hole comp was Deb Gordon with 17 Stableford points, 2nd OCB Lofty Mason also 17, 1st Ken Gordon 19. (John Whitney scored 21 but being a sponsor was deemed by tradition to be ineligible for a prize.) Third in the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 32, 2nd Matt O’Brien 34 and the winner was Tim Barter 37. Well done, all!

Next month will feature the Mad March Hare competition so we’re hoping that Australia’s acknowledged master of the brainfart, Bud Abbott MP, will present the prizes. So join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 March for the 12.30 pm cannon. Meanwhile, keep your paddle clean and bright.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

New Year’s Day in the 2,017th year of the Current Era. Your correspondent will not lie to you (see below for plausible explanation). As he teed up for the Wamboin New Year Spectacular he was feeling decidedly spare to capacity as the result of a convivial New Year’s Eve. The tongue was swollen, the mouth was dry, the eyes were gritty and the hand was shaking. But we of the QPR are made of tough stuff so he valiantly fought the reflux and soldiered on. The day was sponsored by Dave and Jane Hubbard of Wiyagiba Trading (a free burial at sea if you can pronounce it) to whom we extend our thanks for the refreshments and the prizes. In keeping with the prevailing weather conditions the January comp is restricted to the ten holes along Bingley Way. By tradition, Hubbards' day is supposed to be a three- stick Ambrose. But the Captain stuffed up the message so most of us played stroke. Still, it was a joy to see Nev Schroder putting with his driver (and sinking them!).

Paul

Back at the Hall the tetchy bickering between the Captain and Mr Hubbard continued ad nauseum until the crowd grew restless and began talking amongst themselves. And what we discussed, of course, were our New Year’s resolutions. Here are mine. 1, I will not vote for the Communist Party (I think I’m safe here. I’ve never done so before and there is no foreseeable reason why I should). 2, I will extol the virtues of President Trump (and I will too as soon as they are vouchsafed to me). 3, I will consume more sugar (the way science progresses I think sugar is due for a good rap and I’ve always wanted to be ahead of the trend). 4, I will always speak well of our political leaders (they’re just a group of misunderstood people doing the best they can in our interests). 5, I will write the absolute unvarnished truth in this august journal of record (I admit I’ve stretched it a bit in the past but those days are over). Only time will tell if I can live up to those high ideals.

Winners & Grinners
Dave & Pete

The Googly Ball went to Tim Barter for his role as a gondolier in a romantic night on Lake Burley Griffin (named after Paul Griffin’s stout Aunt Burley). The Dummy Spit was tossed back and forth between our Captain, Peter Greenwood, and Dave Hubbard. A right pair of tossers. It was like watching Obama and Putin. Ted Evans sent in a story about golf in heaven. The encouragement award was taken out by Lila Mason. NTP and LD ball winners were Nev Schroder 2, Larry King 2, Pete Harrison 2, Paul Griffin 2, Joan Mason and Tim Barter. Sixth place in the day’s ten hole competition was Joan Mason with a net 38, 5th Lofty Mason 36, 4th Scott Mason 34, 3rd Paul Griffin 34 OCB, runner-up was Tim Barter 33 and the winner was Pete Harrison 30.

The February comp will be sponsored by the Whitney and Schroder families. Do join us at 12.15pm on Sunday 5 February for the 12.30pm getaway.

Meanwhile, may 2017 be a year of unutterable boredom compared with the shenanigans, outrages and atrocities of the previous year in which, with some shining exceptions, personkind failed to distinguish itself from its atavistic, Darwinian progenitors.

Larry King, golfer

2016

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup

SaddleUp

Sunday, 4 December 2016. A warmish day which may have accounted for the smallish but selectish crowd that turned up for the Christmas Comp. Your correspondent would have thought that the predicted daytime temperature of 33 Celsius as pleasant enough. But then he is an optimist: his glass is half full (except when it's completely full or empty or at any other level). Mind you, it strains facial muscles to keep that optimistic smile on your face these days. With the economy tanking, the decision of our jovial PM, Malcolm Turmoil, to rule out an emissions intensity scheme (whatever that is), Australian kids getting dumber – except, of course, in the good old QPR (and Sutton), the Wallabies getting cleaned up by the Poms (again!) and our cricketers beaten by everyone but New Zealand (who are mourning the loss of their own top notch PM, John Quay (known to his friends as "Circular"), the rictus is starting to hurt. But just as one reaches for the knotted rope and the rusty razor one calls to mind Sir Mick the Dagger becoming a father again, cheerleading getting a go at the Olympics (can't wait for that), the Kangaroos sweeping the rugby league field and a chap feels fine once more. Especially about Mick who'll be over 90 when the kid's eligible to vote – if he makes it (Mick I mean, not the kid). And I'll bet Keef will still be going strong.

Winners & Grinners
Pete, Ned & Michael

The day's sponsors were Michael and Deborah Fileman and Rob and Penny Gibson. We sincerely thank all four for the provender and the prizes. Ted Evans made the pilgrimage from our regional hub to report on how a newly-wed golfer was able to correct is wife's hook. The Googly Ball was scooped up by Joan and Lofty Mason for their starring role in The Attack of the Killer Plovers who are raising chicks on the oval. The Dummy Spit Award went to top sportsman and maths wizard, Alex Gordon, for chucking a rolling tanty for five of nine holes. (And I wasn't there. There is a God!) LD and NTP ball winners were Tim Barter x 3, Ken Gordon x 2, Deb Gordon, Paul Griffin, Pete Harrison and Lofty Mason. The junior comp was won by newly-appointed Sutton Primary prefect, Madison Gordon with 74 strokes for a net 31 after handicap. Runner-up was her cranky brother Alex on 61/32. The nine hole camp went to Deb Gordon 49/29 on a count back from Lofty Mason 44/29. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Tim Barter 83/67 from Paul Griffin 88/69. The NAGA Award was won by Pete Harrison 119/72 who regained the coveted Ned Kelly Trophy (made of genuine concrete).

Party Time

Our next golf day will be held in 2017. Sunday, 1 January to be precise. So lay off the singing syrup the night before. The New Year's Day comp will be sponsored by Jane and Dave Hubbard of Wyagiba Trading. We look forward to seeing you at the Hall at 2.15pm (not the usual 12.30pm start) for the traditional shot gun start, the event being played over 10 holes in deference to the warmer summer weather. Meanwhile, on behalf of the R & A Wamboin Golf Club your correspondent wishes you a Merry Christmas and all the best for the coming year which looks like being a tough one, not least because of the apparent stasis and inertia on the part of our learned leaders. My old mate, M T Cicero, would sum it up thus: Quo usque tandem abutere, Malcolmus, patientia nostra? Look it up. It'll give you something else to do over the festive season.

Larry King, golfer

November Competition Results

The 31st Wamboin Open

Sunday 6 November, Wamboin Open day. A beautiful, mild, early Summer’s day which brought golfers in their thousands – or thereabouts – to the fray. Naturally, the crowd was agog with the amazing developments in the US presidential campaign. Who would have thought you could rent the FBI? Regular readers of this column will know that your correspondent, a renowned psephologist (the P is silent – as in surfing) has for many months been predicting a landslide victory for Donald Trumpet. Oh yes, he has! What you don’t know is the remarkable connection the Donald has with our region, viz: that he acquired his distinctive hairstyle right here in the QPR. When he and the beautiful Melaria came out here on their honeymoon Don’s rapidly receding hair, fluttering in a stiff Wamboin breeze, attracted the attention of a semi arboreal marsupial of the family Phalangeridae, otherwise known as the common brushtail possum. Long story short, Donny and the possum have been inseparable ever since. He refers to it as the GOP (Grand Old Possum) and wears it on his head on every occasion.

What’s this got to do with the Wamboin Open, I hear you cry. Well, buckle up and come for the ride because it turns out that in a deal brokered by Don-boy and our own decisive and charismatic PM, local golfer and stone mason, Mick Buonarroti, has been appointed to take the asylum seekers on Nauru and Manus to the US where they will build a wall along the Mexican border: two problems solved simultaneously.

Meanwhile back at Trumpet Tower on Bingley Way the captain welcomed our guests Craig Bradley and Peter Kelly and thanked the club for providing the food and prizes. The Googly Ball went to your correspondent who arrived just in time to play the 19th, having spent a long weekend fishing in the mountains (watch for separate report). Len Ivey spat the dummy but we don’t know why considering his result (read on). LD and NTP ball winners were Rob Gibson x 2, Ken Gordon, John Whitney, Lofty Mason, Charles Guscott and Craig Bradley. Junior Champion was Logan Beckett with 45 off the stick for a net 29, from Madison Gordon with 75/32 on a count back. The encouragement award for juniors was awarded jointly to Alex Gordon and Logan Robinson. The annual eclectic for nine holes was won by Ken Gordon net 27 from Lofty Mason 28.5. The 18 hole eclectic winner was Charles Guscott net 57, closely followed by Pete Harrison 58.

Grinners

As John Philip Sousa strikes up the band we can announce that the 2016 club champions (net scores) are: nine holes 3rd Deb Gordon 51/30, 2nd Michael Fileman 45/29, champion Rob Gibson 38/28; 18 holes 3rd Keith France 81/62, 2nd Charles Guscott 82/60, champion Paul Griffin 81/60 OCB. And as the pipes and drums of Her Majesty’s Loyal Burpers join in we can reveal to the world that the 2016 Ladies Open Champion (nine holes) is Joan Mason with 42 strokes and the 2016 Men’s Open Champion is Len Ivey with 76 off the stick. Congratulations to our worthy winners and all the enthusiastic sportspeople who took part.

Join us on Sunday 4 December for the Christmas Comp. Be at the community hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start. Wear a sprig of mistletoe and remember – it’s only a game. Larry King, deplorable golfer

October Competition [Non-]Results

Sunday, 2 October 2016. Well, smuggle me budgies! What a beautiful day it was. A fine, bright day. A great day for sitting around in your undies drinking from your shoe or just fishing for navel lint and solving the world’s problems. Or maybe oiling your brand new 7-shot Adler and wondering if we’ll ever get back the Bledisloe Cup. Or just doing a little macramé or cross stitch. Because golf was out of the question after the late September deluge.

The politically aware were still discussing the debate in that great big reality TV theme park, the United States of Disneyland, between Donald Duck (wearing a Davy Crockett hat) and Minnie Mouse (wearing a fixed smile). Those who prefer a bit more body contact in their sport were talking about the two grand finals over that weekend. First there was that weird four sticks game played by the southern socialists down Mexico way. But more relevant to us in Bungendore Tiger land was the NRL decider. Turns out we were all going for Cronulla despite their appropriation of the Viking Clap (not to be confused with a Scandinavian STD). But the real breaking news for the golfers of the QPRC was (a) the death of our patron saint, Arnold Palmer, and (b) the invitation to the R & A (Rural & Agricultural) Wamboin from the R & A (Rustic & Agrarian) Braidwood to attend the Braidwood Diggers Day Ambrose on Saturday, 12 November. Put it in your diary.

After the greens committee ruled out play to protect the course, disappointed golfers gathered at the community hall to attack the 19th. They were disappointed because the Oktoberkomp is the traditional occasion when you play as badly as you can to ensure a higher handicap for the Wamboin Open in November—an example of the low, bucolic cunning typical of the natives of this region. The day’s sponsors, L & L King, provided the solid refreshments for which we thank them. Ted Evans travelled out from Queanbeyan to provide his usual report on golfing matters elsewhere.

The Googly Ball went to that ex-parliamentary thrill-seeker, Wyatt Earp MP (retd) for his starring role in Gunfight at the IS Corral, a low budget indie shot entirely on location in Iraq. The Dummy Spit Award was given to Donald Duck for refusing to pay any income tax to the US IRS since 1996 on the grounds that he was a billion dollars in the hole after various businesses had “crapped out”—as they used to say in his failed casino.

If you’ve been concentrating you’ll have picked up that next month will feature the Wamboin Open. You are most welcome to join us at the hall in Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 November for the prompt 12.30pm start. Queanbeyan players are reminded to wear a shirt. We have certain standards to uphold.

Larry King, golfer.

September Competition [Non-]Results

Sunday, 4 September. It was a beautiful, crisp, early Spring day. The golfers of this green and pleasant Local Government Area were preparing to contest the Wamboin Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason. There was a spring in everyone’s step. All over the course springs were bubbling to the surface, courtesy of 44mm of overnight rain. After the captain declared the course to be unplayable, we all springed (or sprang, if you prefer) to our vehicles and headed for the community hall to play the only dry hole, the 19th.

Ducks

Meanwhile at Jedi HQ, in a galaxy far, far away the Jedi Council was debating the decision of the ABS to leave no room on the census form to nominate religions alternative to those listed. “How can we possibly keep track of our 64,000 Jedi warriors in Australia?” said the big asthmatic guy with the black bucket on his head. “Teed off, no end, I am,” said the little green bloke with big ears, wearing a hessian bag. “Argghhh, arrgghh, arrgghhh!” said that tall hairy dude. “Someone put the dog out“, said Lemon Solo. And that, believe it or not, is why they sent Princess Lilo and Lukewarm Streetwalker to Earth to sort it out. Their first mistake was to disguise themselves as the Van Klomp family on a “magic mushroom” trip from Melbourne to Yass where they had the misfortune to run into Sam Dastardly, agent of a foreign power. China Sam referred them to his mates in the EW section of the Peoples Liberation Army. It was just bad luck that Lukewarm stuffed up a promising DoS campaign by sticking his laser sabre into the IBM mainframe which haemorrhaged in a dazzling display of blue lights.

Back at the Bingley Way Battle Star the Empire was striking back. Thanks to Joan and Lofty everybody won a prize and was fed beyond the dictates of gluttony on spring rolls and other goodies. The Googly Ball was awarded to special guest, Tanya Plebiscite, deputy leader of the Vogons, who is calling for a conscience vote on marriage equality. The Dummy Spit Award went to the Van Klomp family for their long range fustercluck.

Next month will feature the Oktoberfest Kompetition. Contestants will be restricted to three clubs and a beer stein. Join us at the hall on Sunday, 2 October at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm cannon. And if it’s a mild Spring day we can all go for a refreshing dip in any one of the swimming pools owned and operated by the Qantas Pilots Recreation Club—if they’re open. If not, you may join your correspondent in his back dam. And happy 90th birthday to Charlie Le Lievre!

Larry King, golfing Jedi

August Competition Results

Sunday 7 August, River of January, Brazil (where the nuts come from). That’s right, this report comes to you from South America—or it would if your correspondent was actually there. But the editor wouldn’t spring for the paltry sum he was asking to be our sports reporter in Rio. Never mind, haven’t we been doing well! At least the women have. A farmer’s daughter from Majors Creek, or somewhere very like it, has won the women’s crap shoot by making seven the hard way—with just one dice. And four girls from Bywong (I think) have won the pool competition by clearing the table in consecutive strokes. And now the Mudchicks have taken out the inaugural sevens rugby! Not to mention all those dirty brown medals we’re getting for not losing by much. And no “roids” or peptides amongst us and no “sewer inspectors” crawling through holes in the wall to change urine samples! How do we do it? I’ll tell you: it’s because our winning athletes all come from the Queen’s Park Rangers Collective, the healthiest region of Australia, under the benign and fatherly guidance of chef de mission, Mr T Working Trousers. I know what you’re thinking—it can’t get better than this. Yes it can, because the golf is yet to come.

Shep's High Drive

Now that all the Australian golfers whose names you can remember have been struck down by the VIKA virus, the AOC has called upon the Wamboin Golf Club (our motto: golfus rusticus fantasticus) to make up the members of the Australian team. We had the final practice session last Sunday. The day was sponsored by The Tradies—Don Evans, Trent Able and Henk Berlee—clever chaps who can measure things correctly and use electric powered thingummies. We thank them for the prizes and eats including Henk’s legendary pea and ham soup. It was a mild, slightly overcast afternoon, still sodden underfoot from our record wet winter. To prepare us for Rio conditions we had to add to the surface water the contents of a couple of septic tanks, a few body parts and the odd wheelie bin of household garbage.

Winners & Grinners
Don & Penny Don & Paul

Back at the Copacabana the acting captain welcomed one and all with a few well-chosen words in Portuguese. The Googly Ball went to Dave Hubbard who had to pull out of the Olympic golf team with a perforated bowel. This, it was noted by one sensitive soul, was poetic justice—for the first time in his life he was a pain in his own arse. (Sorry for that low level course language. Some Wambonians can be quite crude.) Your correspondent moved a motion of no confidence in the absent captain who underwent surgery on Friday, was up and walking on Saturday and could have presented himself for play on Sunday. The motion failed for want of a seconder—the captain is also the handicapper and no one wanted to spoil their chances for the Open in November. In view of such craven perfidy your correspondent had no option but to spit the dummy. There were of course NTP and LD ball winners but unfortunately no records were kept (tsk, tsk!). The 9 hole comp was taken out by Penny Gibson with 57 off the stick for a net 25; 2nd was Lofty Mason 44/29; 3rd Madison Gordon 75/30 (promoted to the seniors just for the day – I hope). The 18 hole comp was won by Paul Griffin 84/63 from Tim Barter 82/66 with Keith France 3rd on a count back 90/71.

Next month will be officially Spring. This means the Wamboin Spring Trophy will be contested when we get back from Rio. Join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30 pm start on Sunday 4 September. Don’t miss Joan’s spring rolls at the 19th. Adeus e melhores desejos!

Larry King, jogador de golfe

July Competition Results

Wonderful Wamboin

Sunday, 3 July 2016; a perfect day for golf spoilt by the election party hangover and the absence of our sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, stuck in Mt Isa or Longreach. At least we didn’t have to calculate the additional ten per cent they normally insist we tack on to our handicaps to celebrate the anniversary of the fair and reasonable GST. The shire’s famous community spirit was much in evidence as we scrambled to make good the deficiency in food and prizes. Our thanks to all who rustled up the eats and an array of potable prizes. A feature of the groaning board were the classy toilet paper serviettes.

Back at the Tally Room the acting Captain welcomed our visitors, Simon and Marie Barter, Margaret Hammond, Scott and Lila Mason, Jobson Grothe and Putin Peiplefurst (all the way from Russia). It was no surprise that the talk was dominated by the franchise we had exercised the previous day. It was noted that during the great social media debate between the leaders of the major parties someone asked Malcolm Turnbull how significant to the nation was Saturday 2 July. And Mal said, quick as a flash, it’s the day before the golf at Wamboin. Straight up. True as your correspondent's underpants carry two sets of DNA.

Well, polling day has come and gone and the contest for the electorate of Holden Monaro has been won by Khaki Kelly (PhD, Alligator U), resplendent in full “cammo”, contemptuously kicking IUDs off the road side. A search party is still out looking for Hidin’ Hendy, the Howard Hughes of federal politics. However, these events, dramatic as they are, have been overshadowed by a cunning, last-minute plan, hatched by Former-Mayor-in-Perpetuity, Pete "Boris" Harrison, to call for a plebiscite on whether we should remain in the Palereanbeyan Union—the so-called Palerexit. Scottish rate-payers are said to be up in arms!

Winners & Grinners

Ted Evans presented his report on the use of performance enhancing drugs by Wamboin golfers but it has since been rejected by ASADA on the grounds the VB and Coopers are permitted fluid loss adjusters. As it happens, your correspondent cannot recall the names of the LD and NTP ball winners due to the effects of said fluid loss adjusters. The encouragement award, nonetheless, went to Margaret Hammond and Tony Fisher.

The Gay Gordons

The 9 hole comp place-getters were: 1st Deb Gordon with 20 Stableford points, 2nd Alex Gordon 19, 3rd Ken Gordon 17 (well done Gordons!). The winner of the 18 hole comp was Vicki Still 37 from Charles Guscott 36 with Neville Schroder 3rd on 34.

Next month our sponsors will be the tradies—blokes with complicated tools who make and fix things. Join us at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm kick off on Sunday 7 August for as much fun as you can have standing up. Meanwhile spare a thought for the poor sod who becomes the nation’s PM. Who’d want the job! A poisoned chalice in one hand and a sh*t sandwich in the other.

Larry King, golfer and voter.

June Competition Results

Steve & Ruth

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 June 2016. Outside, Huey was throwing it down by the bucketful. The legendary Wamboin golf course was wetter than Harold Holt's flippers. The Captain called off the first 18 holes, leaving only one left to play. With fire raging and rain doing a clog dance on the roof of the Community Hall the Captain gracefully thanked our sponsors, Steve and Ruth Lambert for providing solid and liquid fuel. Remarkably, everyone scored a prize of the famous Lambert Vineyards bottled goods, even the many non-golfers who just turn up for the fellowship.

Conversation inevitably turned to the greatest geopolitical development since the fall of the Berlin Wall, i.e. viz and to whit: the creation of the Peoples Republic of the Greater Palereanbeyan Conurbation. Yes, folks, despite the Herculean efforts of our champion State member, Seve Bolero, to defend our independence we are sliding like Jonah into the gaping maw of the Queanbeyan whale. At least we'll have three golf courses. And continuing stability is assured because Premier Beard has appointed Queanbeyan supremo, Mr Timothy Working Trousers, to run the show (much like a feudal baron) until new Council elections next year. And you thought an eight-week federal election campaign too long and boring!

Fine Wine

The Googly Ball went to Pete Harrison who will forever remain the Mayor of the former Palerang Shire—and thus entitled to the dole, horse-drawn transport and meals-on-wheels for life. The Dummy Spit was awarded to those councillors who refused to accept with becoming grace the treachery of the Sydney silvertails. Nearest the pin and longest drive were both won by Mr Working Trousers for (a) scoring the top job and (b) agreeing to drive all the way to Braidwood for Council meetings.

Councils come and Councils go but golf goes on forever. Join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start on Sunday 3 July for the traditional EOFY shemozzle when sponsors Keith France and Kathy Handel (a name which opens many doors) will insist we add 10% to our handicaps to celebrate the glorious GST anniversary. Meanwhile, a local psychiatrist, Sigmund Shakespeare, has recommended we should stiffen our sinews, summon up the blood and disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage. Or maybe just suck it up and do our best to load the Queanbeyan Council next year.

Larry King, golfer and potential branch stacker.

May Competition Results

Sunday, 1 May 2016. Much to their disgust, the vestigial Wamboin Communist Party were severely outnumbered by a fair swag of Palerang's bourgeoisie plus a sprinkling of the Queanbeyan proletariat who clocked in at the Community Hall for the May Day Golf Komintern.

On the tee at the 4th

The day was sponsored by former members of the ADF, mainly from the Senior Service, so naturally the talk turned to our new submarines and whether they'd be safe for our intrepid matelots. It was noted by local boilermaker and former sea dog, ADM Horry Nelson (ret 'd) that there are more aeroplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky. We all felt much better.

On the 'green' at the 4th

That is, until the terrible news filtered through that after days of turmoil the Mudchooks board had agreed to grease the skids under their CEO to the tune of almost a million dollars. This explains why they can't afford to pay their IT support to update the website. The former CEO, referred to in court as "Mr Jones"—clearly an alias—has agreed to withdraw legal action against the Board but a statement of claim has been filed in Queanbeyan District Court against the University of Bungendore and certain other parties. At least it hasn't affected our team's on field prowess. Bird is the word!

Back at the Bingley Way Winter Palace the Commissar welcomed our guests, Ted Evans (who spoke knowledgably about dingbats), Len Ivey from the South Coast and Rob and M-L Gorham from Boorowa. He gracefully thanked Paul and Diana Griffin for the eats and Tim Barter and Vicky Still for the prizes.

Winners & Grinners
9 Hole Comp Winenr

The googly ball was awarded to the person who took his friend to a Mudchooks home game the previous Saturday, based on old, unreliable information on the team's website. (A few beers at the Royal were a consolation.) Steve Lambert scored the dummy spit for again whingeing about his handicap. The encouragement award went to Tony Fisher for a score off the stick of 108 glorious strokes. NTP and LD ball winners were: Paul Griffin x 3, Terry Fitzgerald x 2, Steve Lambert, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason, Tony Fisher and Tim Barter.

18 Hole Comp Winenr

The junior comp was taken out by Taylor Miners. The 9 hole comp placegetters were: 3rd Steve Miners—father of Taylor and thus known as Major Miners (not to be confused with iron ore miners, C Sharp minors, Morris Minors or coal seam gas miners (those/racking miners !)—with 43 off the stick for a net 34 (his best yet); 2nd OCB Steve Lambert 45/34; 1st Larry King 45/32. The 18 hole camp placegetters were: 4th (stay with me) John Whitney 87/71; 3rd Charles Guscott 90/70; 2nd Len Ivey 82/69 and equal first were Tim Barter and Paul Griffin both on a net 65. But as regular followers of golf played in heaven know, as sponsors they were ineligible for a prize.

Next month our sponsors will be Steve and Ruth of Lambert Vineyards. Feel free to join us on Sunday, 5 June at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm shotgun start. Meanwhile we'll keep the red flag flying here!

Larry King, golfer and capitalist running dog.

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters

This report comes to you from the British Virgin Islands where your correspondent is transferring his multi-billion dollar tax evasion—oops! I meant avoidance—accounts. Then he's going to sue his former solicitors, those shysters Mossack Fonseca, for criminal negligence in allowing details of his Panamanian transactions to be revealed. Is nothing sacred? It's not as though the money was all mine: I'm just the front man for 799 wealthy Palerangians using perfectly legitimate ways to sidestep the Australian fiscal fiend. So what if a few million stick to my fingers on the way through? You have a bad day; why should I have a bad day?

Larry

But I digress. The topic at hand is golf. Specifically the annual Wamboin Mini Masters. (At time of writing there's another Masters going on somewhere but we don't think it'll attract as much attention.) Simple rules: play six holes specified by the committee; return to the Community Hall to see who's made the cut; then play the same six holes again—whether you've made the cut or not (cruel!); then play the novelty NTP pitching hole on the oval: from a short ramp, standing on a tyre, from a T-ball stand, from a sand box. Got the picture? It's all Deadly Serious as you can see. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association who provided refreshments of divers kinds for which we thank them from the bottom of our hearts (and that, folks, is not a Spoonerism).

Hi-tee & champers

Knee deep

Winners & Grinners

Back at the Community Hall the Googly Ball was awarded to KRNC Developments for operating without a vowel. And, of course, the Dummy Spit went to Woolies. Best not to disclose who did or didn't make the cut, it might result in too many calls to Lifeline and Beyondblue. The names of the placegetters can, should and will be made public. First the pitching competition: from the ramp, Scott Mason, 2.1metres from the hole; from the tyre Scott again, 1m from the hole (he should always use a tyre—your correspondent has been carrying one for years); from the hi tee, Alex Gordon 6.2m; from the bunker, Dave Hubbard 9.66m. WCA President, Jenny Richards, presented the Handicap and Masters Prizes. Handicap winner was Dave Wagg with 58 off the stick for a net 42; runner-up was Dave Hubbard 59/43; 3rd Larry King 63/45.

The fabled Green Jacket

And now the biggie! The Wamboin Mini Master for 2016 is Tim Barter with 51 off the stick. And how ducky he looked in the Greenish Jacket with the cuffs up to the elbows. Well done, Tim! Runner-up was Paul Griffin on a count back from Neville Schroder, both on 55. Our congratulations to all and our thanks to our sponsors, to the officials who coped courageously with the new technology installed by Nev Schroder and the pitching comp marshals, Charles Guscott and Tim Barter. Our next golf day will be on May Day (that's 1 May to you, Trotsky). We hope to see you all there at 12.15pm for the dependable 12.30pm start. And remember, the Workers' Flag is Deepest Red. So wear something red.

Larry King, golfer and IGA customer.

March Competition Results

Charles

Sunday, 7 March 2016. Despite an outside temperature which would melt the heart of a Cardinal, a reasonable number of golfers from the south eastern side of this desirable and hotly disputed shire gathered at the Wamboin Community Hall for the Mad March Hare Stableford, sponsored the Ken and Deb Gordon whom we thank for the bountiful spread and the prizes. This month we were honouring the memory of local accountant George Pell (not to be confused with that other chap). Not that our George is dead—far from it. He’s alive and kicking and has a doctor’s certificate to prove it. It’s just that his memory seems to have packed it in. The poor guy is getting the curly-lipped treatment from the leaking ventricle end of the media for being oblivious to everything else going on around him while doing the books for a large institution in Ballarat. Your correspondent can relate to George’s predicament: for 14 years your correspondent was the treasurer of the Wamboin Volunteer Bushfire Brigade and couldn’t understand why the crews kept coming back with singed eyebrows and covered in soot. But by golly the books were in apple pie order, I can tell you!

Winners & Grinners

Grinners

Back at the Bingley Way Basilica we were again entertained by a golfing story from leading Queanbeyanite, Ted Evans, before the Googly Ball was awarded to Lofty Mason for a reason too embarrassing to mention. Your correspondent was given the Dummy Spit award for drawing attention to the tardiness of the prize presentations then leaving before the end. (He was roundly condemned for this churlish act.)

The encouragement award went to Raelene Beckett—mother of the month—who took the kids around the course while her layabout husband mollycoddled a so-called “injury”. LD and NTP ball winners were Charles Guscott x 3, Pete Harrison x 2, Paul Griffin, Joan Mason, Larry King and Tim Barter.

Grinners

Junior comp winners were Logan Beckett from sister Phoebe. Nine hole comp place getters were Lofty Mason, first on 17 Stableford points from Joan Mason 16 points and Larry King 8 points (a lesson to us all: you don’t have to be able to play golf, to play golf). The 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 39 points from Charles Guscott 36 and Pete Harrison 35.

Next month, April, is the cruellest month according to local bard, T S Eliot. Not sure what old T S meant by that—or anything else, for that matter. Nevertheless, the good news is that on Sunday, 3 April the Wamboin Community Association Mini Masters will again be staged. Join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start to see if you can make the cut and wear home the Green Jacket. (Well, it used to be green but it’s gone kind of grey over the years.)

Larry King, golfer. Kind of...

February Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 7 February 2016. Local milk bar proprietor, Euclid Isosceles (The Three Sided Triangle – try their famous retsina milkshake), was having trouble with drunken skinheads from Queanbeyan until he purchased a shorn-off sot gun. Your correspondent raises this in passing because the R & A (Rural and Agricultural) Wamboin Golf Club is considering merger overtures from the Queanbeyan Golf Club. They want our peerless course and vast membership to swell their own ranks and finances. Public consultations have been held but – how can I put this without causing offence – we don’t want to lower the tone and lose our reciprocal rights with St Andrew’s, Royal Troon, Pebble Beach and Augusta National. Anyway, these were the solemn thoughts that occupied a reasonable number of athletic Palerangians as they lined up for the Wamboin February Challenge sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families. Our thanks to them all for the eats and prizes.

Weeper's Green

Afterwards, back at the Hall over refreshments, discussion turned to the GST and how that clever Mr Turnbull won’t be taking an increase to the next election: he’ll probably bung it straight into the May Budget. We country folk also noted with regret the retirement of the amiable Warren Truss (known to his friends as “Surgical”) who has been replaced by the incomprehensible Irish novelist, James Joyce. The Captain welcomed our visitors, Randy and Brenda La Porte from Queensland via the USA.

Winners & Grinners

The Googly Ball went to Neville Schroder after a day of Dropsy: he dropped his phone (twice), his card, his G’s and H’s, his teeth and the head off his putter - and did not find it. Apparently no one spat the dummy, including Nev.

Prize Wine

NTP and LD ball winners were Ken Gordon x 2, Jason Beckett, Pete Harrison, Jack Whitney, Ian Picker, Charles Guscott, Tim Barter and Nev Schroder. Junior comp place getters were Logan Beckett first and Mads Gordon second. The 9 hole comp was taken out by Ken Gordon with 34 strokes for a net 29 after handicap. Second was Ian Picker 46/31 ocb from Jason Beckett 44/31 (if his handicap is not reduced there’ll be murder in the cathedral). The winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison 98/63 from Keith France second 84/65. Third place could not be awarded as it was occupied by a sponsor. Pete’s prize included a bottle of wine with the alluring label “Naked on Roller Skates”.

Please feel free to join us for the March golf day when our sponsors will be those Mad March Hares, Deb and Ken Gordon. We look forward to welcoming you on Sunday, 6 March at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30pm bounce of the ball. All Queanbeyanites welcome.

Larry King, golfer - and proud of it.

January Competition Results

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 January 2016. Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot! It’s official. Those sons-of-bachelors in Sydney are going to tear us apart again!. It took your correspondent years to get used to being a Palerangian after being a Yarrowlumlian. And soon we’re going to be Queanbeyanites. It’s the end of the world! No wonder there was a despondent and sombre mood amongst the golfers who gathered for the fabled Wamboin New Year competition sponsored by Dave and Jane Hubbard of Wyagiba* Trading.

Your correspondent couldn’t make it. He was just too depressed. So your vicarious enjoyment of the event will again be third hand.

Jason

It was an Edgar Allen Poe sort of day, evoking memories of The Fall of the House of Usher. A cold wind blew, ruffling the feathers of the ravens and vultures which perched menacingly on the roof of the Community Hall while black and awesome clouds gathered above, as if portents of some great calamity. To lift flagging spirits Mr Hubbard reduced the number of clubs required to just three and the number of holes to just ten. But with a devilish twist of the knife he declared that play would be scored on the satanic Stableford system. And thus, with leaden feet, those men and women of a once proud Local Government Area set forth into the howling tempest knowing that we were all doomed. Doomed!

Jason

Back at the morgue, in an atmosphere as heavy as Dr Frankenstein’s laboratory, while the thunder and lightning crashed around (more volts, Igor!) the Googly Ball was awarded to Rick O’Shay (a.k.a. Keith France) for a trick shot which returned his ball. Neville Schroder scored the Dummy Spit for an uncharacteristic breach of golfing etiquette. The NTP and LD ball winners were announced: Paul Griffin 2, Pete Harrison 2, Keith France, Joan Mason, Lila Mason, Scott Mason, Stone Mason, Perry Mason, James Mason, Free Mason, Master Mason, Willie Mason (get a grip), Nev Schroder and Dave Hubbard. The junior comp winner was Lila Mason. The 10 hole comp was taken out by Pete Harrison with 29 Stableford points, second was Paul Griffin 25, with Matt O’Brien third on 22.

Dave&Pete

February’s competition will be held on Sunday, the 7th day of that month, when the sponsors will be the Schroder and Whitney families. We Queanbeyanites are a stoic bunch so I imagine that by then we will have staked the heart of the separation blues, donned our thongs and flannies and faced life anew with hope and confidence. See you at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm kick off.

Larry King, golfer and part-time Goth.

* A free burial at sea for the first person to offer the correct pronunciation.

2015

December Competition Results
The Christmas Cup

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 6 December 2015. A very hot day for the Wamboin Christmas Cup. 30-something in the shade. The sort of day that encourages you to lie down in a darkened room sipping something cool. Instead you’re playing golf. Need I go on? I will any way. If you were to ask your correspondent how he coped with the conditions he would have to say what his North Korean friend said when asked how things are in the Hermit State: “I can’t complain”. And the reason he can’t complain is that, again, he wasn’t there! Long story involving his partner’s left knee. All you need to know now is that a goodly number of golfers from this putative adjunct to the Queanbeyan shire (cries of “shame!”) braved the sun, donned their gay apparel and ankled in for the Christmas competition, sponsored by Michael and Deborah Fileman and Rob and Penny Gibson. We thank all four for the prizes and sumptuous repast which eliminated the need for dinner.

At the 19th we welcomed visitor Vicki Still. We were also pleased to see Libby King (direct from the Mater in Sydney, complete with walking stick) as well as former regulars, Helen and Charles Montesin, who called in at the ‘halfway mark’ of their round Australia grey nomad trek. The question was asked how a return to Wamboin could be described as halfway. That churlish interrogative earned the questioner the Dummy Spit award. The Montesins were given the Googly Ball. And yes, Charlie cooked the barbeque at the Wamboin Christmas Carols. We wish them well when they set off gain. Ted Evans got the Encouragement Award for knowing where the Pakistani border was.

LD and NTP ball winners were Paul Griffin 2, Keith France 2, Pete Harrison, Ken Gordon, Deborah Fileman, Len Ivey (up from the Bay) and Rob Gibson. Junior comp winners were Alex and Madison Gordon, in that order. The nine hole comp was taken out by their father, Ken 36/31 ocb from sponsor Penny Gibson who, under Wamboin rules, cannot be awarded the prize. Second placegetter in the nine hole comp was Pete Harrison 50/31 with Deb Gordon third on 52/32 ocb. It was a good day for the Gordons. Tim Barter 81/66 took out the 18 hole comp ocb from Paul Griffin 88/66, there followed by Keith France 86/68.

Our next golf day (sponsored by Wyagiba Trading) won’t be until the New Year – 3 January 2016 to be precise – when we hope you resolve to join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30 start.

Larry King, golfer and primary cherisher.

November Competition Results
The 30th Wamboin Open

Sunday 1 November 2015, Ste-Remy de Provence, France. Correct: this report comes to you from the picturesque Alpilles of southern France. Your correspondent blushes to admit that he is about to describe a competition he neither attended nor played in. But then many a brave war correspondent filed a breathless report from Mahogany Ridge. The subject occasion was the 30th Wamboin Open. It was a threatening, overcast day after overnight rain so the club’s Captain feared a wash out. (It was a beautiful day in Ste-Remy: we visited the fortified hill village of Les Baux.) But Palerangians come from sturdy stock and a fair-sized crowd of the shire’s sports men and women took the field. (Les Baux has known human habitation since pre-history but the fortifications are Medieval and originally intended as defence from the Saracens – which in the light of recent events has a certain bitter irony.) Mary-Lou Gorham won the googly ball for leaving Rob’s “special” googly ball at home and then went on to win the dummy spit because she was awarded the googly ball!! (Les Baux, by the way, is Old French for “the rocks”; the word bauxite is derived from it – but I don’t expect you to know that.)

After the blood-letting the food and prizes were provided by the Wamboin Golf Club – a wonderful example of your green fees at work. In the spirit of the times there was loose talk of increasing them by 50 per cent with compensation for pensioners and the disadvantaged. LD and NTP ball winners were Pete Harrison X 2, John Whitney X 2, Charles Guscott X 2, Paul Griffin, Ian Picker and Ken Gordon. The 2015 junior champion was Madison Gordon, with Alex Gordon runner-up. Winners of the annual Eclectic (try saying and spelling that after the second bottle) were: 9 holes Ken Gordon; 18 holes Tim Barter.

Grinners

Club champion (net score) for 9 holes was Ian Picker 43/28 from runner-up Ken Gordon 36/31 with Rob Gibson in third place on 43/33. Club champion (net score) in the 18 hole event was Paul Griffin 85/61 from Rob Gorham 90/65 and Pete Harrison 107/70. The 2015 Ladies Open Champion (9 holes) is Deb Gordon 50 (and not looking a day over 40). And with a roll of the drums and a clash of the cymbals we can announce that the 2015 Open Champion (18 holes) is John Whitney with an 83. Our congratulation to our worthy winners and to all who took part in making this special day in the club’s history a memorable one.

Sunday 6 December will see the Christmas Cup golf day sponsored by Michael and Deborah Fileman. Oh come all ye faithful and join us at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm shotgun. Or as our bloodied but unbeaten French cousins say: Allons enfants de la Patrie…!

Larry King, golf correspondent. (Eat your liver, Hemmingway!)

October Competition Results

“I observed the placid, torpid waters of the dam with quiet satisfaction, knowing that I was right all along – that bloody putter could not swim!”

The paragraph above is your correspondent’s entry in the 2015 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest*. The words and sentiment owe much to the quality of his ‘short’ game in the Wamboin golf club’s October competition sponsored by partners-in-life, L + L King (absolutely marvellous people; you should meet them). But the less said the better. Let us pass on to happier thoughts. Sunday, 4 October was an unseasonal warm and sunny day which made the poetical among us, such as Steve Lambert, search for a fanciful word for an early Summer – to balance Indian Summer: i.e., one that lingers. We are offering a 1995 Penfolds Grange bottle (found at the Macs Reef transfer station) to the best suggestion from the readers of this column, judged by an independent panel of close relatives. Meanwhile out on the peerless Wamboin course battle was joined. Despite the long weekend, two grand finals and a car race a crowd of respectable size took the field. One of our guests, Tony Bryce, is closely associated with the ACT taxi industry. So, of course, a good stroke was met by cries of “Uber shot, Tony!” Other guests included Denis Riley and Peter Kelly. Len Ivey paid us a welcome visit from the South Coast and Scott Mason came all the way from Cairns.

At close of play the Googly Ball was awarded to John and Pearl van der Straaten who arrived precisely 24 hours late for a function in the Hall the previous night! The Dummy Spit went to Scott Mason for his voluble complaint that the LD markers on Up-the-Creek were prematurely removed, robbing Pete Harrison of a prize for his only good shot of the day. (Notice how Pete side-stepped the dummy by engaging a subcontractor.) Ball winners were Tim Barter X 4 (!), Rob Gorham (visiting from Harden – or Murrumburrah), Pete Harrison, Denis Riley, John Whitney, Phil Moran and Tony Bryce. The junior competition was won by Alex Gordon. The winner of the 9 hole comp was Debra Fileman with 52 off the stick for a net 23. The handicapper is aware that corrective action should be taken. Second was Ian Picker 43/30 with Tony Bryce 53/31 in third place on a count back. In the 18 hole competition Paul Griffin was the clear winner with a score of 87 for 62. Less clear were the remaining placegetters with a tie for second place between Len Ivey 80/67 and Tim Barter 81/67.

Next month will see the club stage the 30th Wamboin Open. International golf’s glitterati are expected to throng the now world famous course on Sunday, 1 November. So polish up the Callaways, iron the Armani polo shirt, dry clean the loud trousers, sharpen the sprigs and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for the usual 12.30 start.

Larry King (recovering golfer)

* A literary competition to write the worst opening sentence to an equally bad novel.

September Competition Results

Spring has definitely sprung. The grass is rising ad the birdies is all over the place. Furthermore the winter sports have all concluded and what a splendidly athletic lot we Palerangians are! The Tigers, Tigerettes, Mudchooks, netball and basketball players are all finishing the season on top – or very close to it – of their respective competitions. Well done! And isn’t it good to see little Jarryd Hayne, the former Tigers water boy, getting a run with the San Francisco Under 9ers. Note to mum: don’t leave all those sweaty jock straps and sports bras in the gear pack over summer in case of spontaneous combustion.

Firebreak Four

There are, of course, those heady perennial sports of which golf is one. And so it came to pass that on Sunday 6 September, fired up by the recent victories of Australia’s very own Jason Day, a number of this healthy Shire’s golfers gathered at the Hall for the Wamboin Spring Trophy sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason who provided sustenance and prizes. Our thanks to both. It was a crisp, partly cloudy day with many of the neighbouring ACT’s floral emblem in bud or, indeed, bursting forth. It moved local clergyman, the Rev Tom Gray to suggest that they might be “wasting their sweetness on the desert air” but we told him to suck it up and not to waste his own energy in a country churchyard. Our sponsors declared it a three-club day with stroke play to determine the outcome. And off into the mountain scrub we flew, as district journalist A B Paterson so cleverly put it.

Firebreak Four

Afterwards, around the fire back at the Hall the Googly Ball was again awarded to Helen Locke for putting her second shot on Hall NTP into the bonfire when the rest of her foursome managed it with their first. The Dummy Spit Award went to Tim Barter who felt he got closest to the pin on Ron’s Dam Hole but couldn’t record it because the previous foursome had removed the card. (Tim has a point but there are ways of bringing such matters to the attention of the match committee, don’t you know.) Ball winners were Neville Schroder, Rachel Schroder, Debrah Fileman, Tim Barter X 2, Rob Gibson, Paul Griffin X 2, Pete Harrison and John Whitney.

Weeper's Drive

The junior competition winner was Alex Gordon. The 9 hole comp was won by Michael Fileman with 46 off the stick for a net 30; second Larry King 45/31; third Helen Locke 76/57. Winner of the 18 hole comp and holder of the 2015 Spring Trophy (featuring two genuine bed springs) was Tim Barter 79/65 from John Whitney 81/67 with Paul Griffin 92/68 in third position. There was nothing left to do but get outside of as many of Joan’s wonderful spring rolls as possible.

Next month will be the Hunt for Red October competition sponsored by L + L King. Join us at the Hall on Sunday 4 October at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, enjoy the changing of the seasons.

August Competition Non-Results

Sunday 2 August 2015. After 31mm overnight most of the fabled Wamboin golf course was under water. There wasn’t even a dry spot to land our guest-of-honour’s helicopter – although by then she’d become a footnote to history. The greens committee gathered, considered its verdict and closed the course: there would be no play that day. Did I say no play? Oh, bite my tongue! It was decided to play the 19th hole which was completely dry. And so, from about 4pm they came from all around this fit and healthy shire to the community Hall – frustrated would-be golfers, family, friends and wet hangers-on – to talk about the game they might have played and to enjoy one another’s company. The day was sponsored by the Tradies, those clever chaps that do many useful things around these parts: Trent Able (electrician), Col Prest (automotive), Don Evans (plumbing etc.) and Henk Berlee (anything). We thank them for the victuals, especially Henk’s pea and ham soup.

The googly ball and dummy spit awards went to the same person. To protect his family’s privacy let us identify him only as Robert Gorham. His winning act has been to go to extraordinary lengths to avoid playing at Wamboin for at least five years. You are agog to learn how. Be patient and sit comfortably. His wife whom we shall call Mary-Lou (as unlikely a name as any) was appointed Principal of the Catholic school in the twin cities of Harden-Murrumburrah in the charming Lachlan Valley. Would Robert go along as the handbag, I hear you cry. No way, was his stern reply. But fate, destiny or Kismet – call it what you will – had other ideas. Despite his otherwise customary rude health he had a run-in with the Spanish Dancer – to the extent that the surgeon had to remove a fair amount of the crinkly bits which occupy the bottom half of the abdominal cavity. Naturally, he’s now referred to as Old Gutless. (You don’t come to Wamboin for the compliments.) And so he’s off to Harden – or is it Murrumburrah? – to accompany the lovely M-L. We wish them both the best of good fortune and hope to see them from time to time.

Next month it will be Spring – a concept as alien as a frugal politician while this is being written at 9 degrees C with a howling wind. But that means the famous Wamboin Spring Trophy sponsored by local heroes, Joan and Lofty Mason. Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 6 September at 12.15pm for a 12.30 pm kick off. It’s worth it just for Joan’s spring rolls.

July Competition Results

Sunday, 5 July 2015. A day as cold as a European Central Banker’s heart. As Greeks were looking a gift horse in the mouth, the financially-oppressed golfers of Wamboin voted overwhelmingly to accept the austerity measures foreshadowed by Palerang’s ruthless Mayor, Pete Harrison, to ensure that we are Fit For The Future. Your correspondent has said goodbye to ever being able to retire at age 58. As local economist, J K Galbraith, was heard to mutter: ‘You burn your bum, you sit on the blisters”.

It was a fitting welcome to the new financial year as we saddled up for the GST Commemoration Golf Day sponsored by Keith and Kathy France and Parkhill Financial Services who provided the prizes and eats. The order of the day was team play in a Canadian Ambrose with 10% added to the team handicap. Even resident polymath, Stephen Fry, couldn’t explain it. (And he didn’t have to Google angklung after reading last month’s Wamboin Muse.) Photos taken by Ruthless Pete show sponsor, Keith France, teeing off at Hell’s Hole and Dave Hubbard doing the same at Greenwood’s Ruins.

Keith @ Hell's Hole

Afterwards, back at the Bingley Way “Acropolis” (home of the four horsemen) Mr France officiated at the prize giving in the absence of the club Captain. He noted that the field, although small, was select. He blamed the weather, the school holidays, the ABC in general and Q&A in particular.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Helen Locke whose beautiful drive on Short and Sweet was spoilt by the fact that she had forgotten to place the ball on the tee. She was permitted to do so without penalty on the ground that her first swing was practice. The first dummy spit was awarded to Dave Hubbard who unsportingly refused to pick up his partner’s ball. The second was awarded to his partner (Ol’ Ruthless) who expressed the view that Mr Hubbard was as useful as a hatful of drachmas. The third went to local political philosopher, Plato, who was very curly-lipped about democracy in his page-turner, The Republic. He took the view that it would fail in the end because the people would distribute the Treasury amongst themselves, leaving nothing for defence, vital public works and so on. Compare that with modern Greece whose electors have awarded themselves generous and early pensions without collecting the taxes to pay for them (or anything else). But let’s move on.

Dave @ Greenwood's Ruins

NTP and LD ball winners were Keith France x4, Larry King x3, Helen Locke and Rachel Schroder. The 9 hole comp was taken out by the team of Schroder & Schroder (37.625) from runners-up Locke and King (43.875). The winners of the 18 hole comp were the team of Dave Hubbard and Pete Harrison (62.943) from daylight. Our next golf day will be held on 2 August and will be sponsored by the Tradies – those useful chaps who undertake many a plumbing, electrical or mechanical project around these parts. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for 12.30pm tee off. Antio ta leme!

Larry King, golfer (perhaps)

June Competition Results

Nev @ Finn's Spotties

Sad to say local bio systems contractor, Sepp (short for Septic) Blatter, couldn’t make it to the 7 June golf day sponsored by Lambert Vineyards. He had an urgent appointment with an optometrist in Canberra to find out why he seems to be oblivious to everything going on around him. Turns out Sepp is blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other. Nevertheless the other Beautiful Game went on without him thanks in large part to Ruth and Steve Lambert who provided prizes of their famous bottled goods and the after-match refreshments. Our thanks to them both. It was a bracing early winter’s day with players challenged by a stiff Westerly breeze. But that’s not enough to put off your Palerangians who, above all people, are Fit For The Future! Our sponsors nominated stroke play and out into the elements we went.

Winners & Grinners
9 Hole Winner

Afterwards, back at the Community Hall before a raging fire we celebrated a day in the field. The Googly Ball went to host Steve Lambert for a stylish birdie 2 at Short and Sweet after his drive was disturbed by one of those famous Wamboin rocks. He should also have got the Dummy Spit for the whingeing and moaning after his ball hit the rock. But instead it was awarded to Michael Fileman who resorted to vituperation after winning the Lambert Vineyards Perpetual NAGA. NTP and LD ball winners were Paul Griffin x 2, Glen Crafter, Debra Fileman, Jack Whitney X 3, Rob Gibson, Steve Lambert and Nev Schroder.

18 Hole Winner

The winner of the 9 hole comp was Penny Gibson with 63 off the stick for a net score of 24; 2nd Joan Mason 38/27; 3rd Glen Crafter 42/29. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Jack Whitney 74/59 (he won’t see that handicap again). 2nd Pete Harrison 101/67, 3rd Keith France 88/71.

Next Month’s competition will take place on Sunday 5 July and will, as usual, celebrate the new financial year and the anniversary of the Goods and Services Tax when 10% is added to everyone’s handicap. We are hopeful that current and former Treasurers - Shrek, Smirk and Placido Domingo - will be able to attend – if we invite them. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm kick off.

May Competition Results

Have you ever read Das Kapital? Don’t. Your correspondent had a go once but a bad case of the paralytic yawns set in at page 3 so he never did find out what “dialectical materialism“ is. Be that as it may, on the Sunday following May Day a number of the proletariat of the Peoples Republic of Palerang (soon, like the Crimea, to be taken over by Russia) gathered at the Bingley Way “Kremlin” wearing red scarves and singing the Internationale. They were there for the revolutionary May golf competition sponsored by Tim Barter and Paul Griffin of the Navy Old Farts and Retired Pilots Association, some of whom probably served on the battleship Potemkin. To them we say “spasibo” for the prizes and to Madame Dianne Griffinova for the eats.

On the tee at the 15th

Our visitor had only one name (like Bono, Pele and Lenin). It was Alan and he enjoyed himself immensely. The Googly Ball went to Paul Griffin for his effort to claim the NTP on the second stroke on Ron’s Damn Hole when, sadly, it was his fourth stroke, having hit his drive into the dam (oh! Infamy!). Reflecting the general mood of protest and insurrection the dummy was passed around between Mr Griffin, Tim Barter, Larry King and Deborah Fileman before Commissar Greenwood restored order by sending in the Cossacks. History should record that Ms Fileman was in fact the victim of a grave injustice, but we’ll come to that in a minute.

Winners & Grinners

NTP and LD Ball winners were Joan Mason x 2, Tim Barter x 4!, Lofty Mason and Paul Griffin. Winner of the 9 hole comp (and proud new owner of the Ned Kelly trophy) was Lofty Mason with 23 Stableford points. Second, Larry King on 18, 3rd Joan Mason 17, 4th Michael Fileman 14. Mr Fileman’s placing was, alas, an error – the reason for which has been censored by the handicapper. Ms Fileman’s score was in fact higher and entitled her to 4th place rather than the dummy spit award. I hope this clears things up and all is now peace and light at chez Fileman.

Grinners

Winner of the 18 hole comp was Pete Harrison with 37 Stableford points after two of the sponsors were eliminated by the traditional rule that you can’t win on your own day.

The next exciting episode of Wamboin golf will take place on Sunday, 7 June when the sponsors will be Lambert Vineyards. Why not kick off the feudal shackles of the Romanovs and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm for 12.30pm? As local disciplinarian, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, has been heard to utter, to miss it would be a Crime and Punishment would be severe.

Larry King (golfski)

April Competition Results
The Wamboin Mini Masters

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 April 2015. This is being written while being bombarded by white, dimpled missiles as the “enemy” fire off salvo after salvo in the Novelty NTP Shootout which traditionally concludes the Wamboin Mini Masters. Incoming! Oh! The humanity! Two shots each from a box of soft sand, a T-Ball stand, standing on a tyre, and a short ramp.

Ramp it up

A tall story

There's nothing like a gellery...

And all that after two rounds of play (admittedly each of only six holes). The first round is to determine who makes The Cut and is therefore eligible for the major prizes – kindly donated by the Wamboin Community Association who also fed us. We thank their hard-working committee, in particular Barb and Pete Harrison who rattled the pots and pans and officiated at the prize-giving ceremony. Thanks also to the radio-controlled Shootout Marshals, Don Evans and Paul Griffin.

Our welcome visitors were Brian Moore and the father and son team of Tony and Michael Dowdell. Michael enjoyed his first ever game of golf. Tony echoed his son’s complimentary remarks about the peerless Wamboin course. The Googly Ball and the Dummy Spit were awarded to the same person, Dave Hubbard, whose long, whining account of something-or-other induced a soporific effect on your correspondent. By the time he awoke events had moved on. Let us follow them.

Winners & Grinners

You all want to know who made The Cut. The answer is: Neville Schroder with 22 strokes; Brian Moore 25; Steve Lambert 28 (DNF); Larry King 29 (DNF); Paul Griffin 29 and Dave Hubbard 31. DNF means did not finish. There is an ongoing ASADA inquiry into this but the smart money is on the overuse of Fluid Loss Adjusters. Junior Master was Logan Beckett (in a small field). Following round 2 the handicap comp was taken out by Paul Griffin on 37 with Dave Hubbard runner up on 48. The 2015 Wamboin Masters was won by Nev Schroder, 50 strokes with Brian Moore hot on his heels on 51.

The fabled Green Jacket

Nev also won the Shootout. He was assisted into the erstwhile green jacket by WCA immediate Past President, Pete Harrison. It fitted like a proctologist’s glove.

Join us at the Hall on Sunday 3 May for the next exciting instalment of Wamboin golf when the sponsors will be those Navy Old Farts of whom my old chum, William Schwenck Gilbert, has much to say in his report entitled “HMS Pinafore”.

March Competition Results

I said to my old friend, Johnny Mercer, the other day: Johnny, I said, those falling leaves drift by my window, those falling leaves of red and gold. And Johnny said: it’s Autumn, you dill! And by Jove, he was correct. Just. Because Wamboin’s March golf day happened to coincide with the first day of the month – the first official day of Autumn. And what a glorious day it was. Golfers from all over this proudly independent LGA, free from the influence, guidance or control of another which we shall not name, gathered at the homestead overnight, for we bushies love hard golfing as A B Paterson so accurately put it. The day was sponsored by Ken and Deb Gordon who donated the prizes and fed us beyond the demands of gluttony. Your correspondent was unable to play but did make it down to the Hall for the 19th. Accordingly the rest of this report comes to you vicariously from Mahogany Ridge (as, indeed, does most of what passes for journalism – except, of course, in the Whisper – in these days of the 24 hour news cycle).

Winners & Grinners

Sadly, history will not record who our guests were for the very good reason that there weren’t any.

Tim

Laziness is the only excuse for the omission of the encouragement awards and the NTP/LG ball winners. It is sufficient that they know who they are. In the 9 hole comp there was not much to separate the place getters who stuck to each other like a poultice to a gangrenous leg (I hope you are not reading this over breakfast).

In third place was Michael Fileman with 19 Stableford points. Second was Rob Gibson with 21 points. The winner was Joan Mason on 22 points. As this result was judged by the Captain to amount to highway robbery Joan was presented with the coveted Ned Kelly trophy (genuine solid concrete) which is now sitting haughtily on her gate post. In the hard fought 18 hole comp Tim Barter came in third on 34, Rob Gorham was a worthy runner-up on 37, but the clear winner was Charles Guscott with a creditable 41 points.

Join us at the Community Hall on Sunday 5 April when we next take up the clubs for the famous Wamboin Mini Masters (green jacket and all). It’s a real hoot but will have the late, great Robert Trent Jones spinning in his grave.

Larry King (golfer, it is said)

February Competition Results

‘February is the cruellest month’ as local meteorologist, T S Eliot, might well put it. For a start it signals the end of summer. Or as district real estate agent, W Shakespeare, has written ‘summer’s lease hath all too short a date’. (I’ve pulled him up on the “hath” but he won’t budge.) It’s also the shortest month which encourages the liverish with a low threshold of self-deception to kid themselves that giving up the grog for 28 days will repair the damage of the past 337. Be that as it may, that great sporting institution, golf at Wamboin, rolls on apace. Competition in the month under observation was jointly sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families who generously provided the refreshments and prizes. We welcomed our visitors, Alan Griffiths and Trish Ziebell, with open arms following which the golfers of Queanbeyan – sorry, Palerang – mounted their iron horses and headed for the course.

Winners & Grinners

Back in the dragon’s den the Googly Ball was awarded to half Palerang’s 2015 Citizen of the Year, Lofty Mason, for the remarkable feat of hitting his first and second (provisional) drives into the same spot at the edge of his own dam. Both balls were found together. The Dummy went to John Whitney for complaining that the newly-sanded greens slowed down the run of the ball. (Pur-lease!).

NTP/LD ball winners were Ken Gordon X 2, Glen Crafter X 2, Alan Griffiths, Len Ivey (sniff), Rachel Schroder, Nev Schroder and Pete Harrison. The junior comp winner was Alex Gordon with 61 off the stick for a net 30 on the 9 hole course. The senior 9 hole comp was won by the other half of Palerang’s 2015 Citizen of the Year, Joan Mason 42/29 from Debra Fileman 61/30 (she’ll never see that handicap again) with third placegetter being Ken Gordon 36/31. The senior 18 hole comp winner was Glen Crafter 77/52, from Pete Harrison 97/58, and Charles Guscott third 81/61.

The gay mood was disturbed by the Captain’s announcement that Len and Linda Ivey were leaving this fiercely independent and self-sustaining LGA to go and live (and work) on the South Coast. Borrowing the words of that noble Roman, M Antony (as reported by Mr Shakespeare), he asked us ‘if you have tears, prepare to shed them now’. And we did. Farewell, Len and Linda and best wishes for the new venture on Mimosa Hill.

Next month is March but you knew that already. Join us at the Hall on Bingley at 12.15pm on Sunday 1 March for more golf, this time sponsored by Ken and Deb Gordon, well-known Oz taggers. You’ll receive the usual effusive, not to say gushing, welcome.

January Competition Results

In January Australia hosts those five great sporting events—the end of the Sydney-to-Hobart, the Sydney cricket test, the Australian Open (tennis), the Australian Seniors Tennis Championships and, of course, the Wamboin Golf Club’s Three Stick Event. And so it was that on Sunday 4 January 2015 (get used to writing it) Palerangers with fairly decent hand/eye coordination gathered for the fray. “But didn’t it rain that afternoon?” I hear you cry. You bet your golf balls it did. But owing to a coincidence even a writer of fiction wouldn’t try to get away with it pelted down before and after the event. The comp itself was unaffected. That’s organisation for you. The day was sponsored by Wiyagiba Trading and we thank Jane and Dave Hubbard for the prizes and refreshments. By tradition it is restricted to ten holes in deference to the climate. At 2.30pm Dave fired the shotgun and away we went.

Keith, Vik & Dave

Back at the Community Hall there was much discussion about club choice. One member said that his 2 iron was working so well he took three of them. The Captain welcomed our guest, all the way from Sweden, Viktor Lundmark-Harrison. Viktor was joined at the 19th by his charming companion and although your correspondent looked hard he couldn’t spot the dragon tattoo.

Winners & Grinners
Pete & Dave

Nearest-to-the-Pin ball winners were Ken Gordon X 3, Dave Hubbard X 2, Pete Harrison X 2, Logan Beckett X 2 and Jason Beckett. The Googly Ball went to our guest just for coming all that way to play golf. Unfairly, the dummy went to the public-spirited person who drew attention to the necessary etiquette of warning players in front, of an approaching golf ball. The defendant who we can identify only by his name, Tim Barter, advanced the specious argument that he couldn’t see the player who he asserted was below average height and, anyway, he was only using a 6 iron. Case adjourned sine die.

The juniors’ award went to Logan Beckett. Place-getters in the seniors’ 10 hole comp were: 6th Ken Gordon with 19 Stableford points; 5th Charles Guscott 20; 4th Rob Gorham 21; 3rd Keith France 21 OCB; 2nd Joan Mason 23; and the winner with 26 points was Pete Harrison.

2014

December Competition Results
The Christmas Cup

On Sunday, 7 December a satisfying number of the golfers of this charming local government area (soon to amalgamate with Byron Bay) donned their gay apparel and saddled up for the Christmas Cup. Much to their delight the predicted tempest held off – clearly Hughie felt that she’d flung enough at us over the preceding week. The post-athletics refreshments and prizes were donated by Jude and Ted Evans to whom we offer our thanks and praise. The news that this was to be their last such sponsorship brought a tear to many a glass eye. They have moved to a regional city which looks lustfully at our beautiful and self-sustaining LGA. No names, no pack drill. We wish them the best of luck and express our profound appreciation for their long and valued support. We are seeking new Christmas Cup sponsors. Messrs Scrooge and Grinch need not apply.

Winners & Grinners

The Googly Ball went to the individual who claimed a special prize for playing 14 (yes, 14) holes. He was, however, granted the Dummy Spit Award for the unseemly manner in which he reacted to the refusal of his request. The dummy was passed on to Steve Lambert who complained about his handicap. It will be reduced for next month. A number of disciplinary matters were then resolved including the reprimanding of Mr N Schroder for wearing golf shoes in the club house. Concrete doesn’t just look after itself, you know.

The Captain welcomed our visitor, Gerard Ryan in the usual way. Encouragement Awards went to Mads Gordon and Rachel Schroder. Ball winners were Gerard Ryan X 3 (he’s pleased he came), Neville Schroder X 2, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter, Len Ivey and Larry King. The Juniors 9 hole comp went to Alex Gordon with 22 Stableford points. The open 9 hole comp was won by Lofty Mason (21 Stableford points) from deb Gordon (19) and Ken Gordon (18). The18 hole event winner was Nev Schroder from Paul Griffin (39) and Pete Harrison (37).

Join us at the Community Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday 4 January 2015 for the much-feted Three Club Event sponsored by Jane and Dave Hubbard of Wyagiba Trading. Meanwhile the members of the R & A Wamboin Golf Club wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. As for 2015, it will be the 800th anniversary of Magna Carta. May we all in this brown and pleasant land continue to enjoy the peace and freedom that the great chart presaged – no matter who we are and whence we came. And may we be reconciled with those original Australians who reckon they were doing alright long before Magna Carta.

Larry King, golfer (ho! ho! ho!)

November Competition Results
The 29th Wamboin Open

On a bright and breezy Sunday, 2 November, freshly relaxed with their sensory meridians all in a straight line after watching Maria comb her hair on You Tube, the golfers of the region gathered at the Wamboin Community Hall for sport’s red letter day – the mighty Wamboin Open. Before the sizeable field took to the course for the traditional stroke event the Captain explained the rules which can briefly be summarised as “no cheating”. One or two of us felt insulted. At day’s end the prize-giving ceremony was gracefully conducted by Lady Deborah Gordon OT. Refreshments and prizes were provided by the club and organised by traditional providores, Joan Mason with bumbling assistance from Robert Gorham.

Winners & Grinners
Len

Ball winners for the long drives and NTPs were Glenn Crafter X 2, Paul Griffin X 2, Jack Whitney X 2, Geoff Leeper, Ken Gordon, Tim Barter and Pete Harrison. Encouragement awards for juniors went to Alex and Madison Gordon. The 2014 junior champion was Logan Beckett with an adjusted 27 for 9 holes. The 2014 Eclectic went to Neville Schroder (18 holes) and Ken Gordon (9 holes).

Club champion (net scores) in the 9 hole comp was Ken Gordon with 33 off the stick for a net 26, 2nd Peter Greenwood (who was reduced to tears by his first win ever) 47/34, 3rd Larry King 48/35. The 18 hole club champion was Paul Griffin 87/61, 2nd Tim Barter 77/64 on a count back from Rob Gorham 87/64. And now, as the drums roll, it can be revealed the 2014 Ladies Open Champion (9 holes) is Joan Mason (50). And the 2014 Men’s Open Champion with 75 off the stick over 18 holes is Len Ivey. Our congratulations to both and, indeed, to all who took part.

Next month join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday 7 December for the Christmas Cup. Will the Cup runneth over? I can’t wait to find out. Get out that hair brush, Maria!

October Competition Results

This article should be headlined “Vandal Attacks Community Hall—Damage Bill Rises”, but more of that later. Meanwhile, as me old mate, Chuck Dickens, used to say “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times”. It was the best of times because Sunday 5 October turned on a “pearler”—just about the perfect weather for golf—a beautiful Spring day in the mid-20s. (Some visitors were surprised by the strong breeze but we Wamboinians tend to scoff in the face of anything less than gale force.) It was the worst of times because there was clearly a bit of “handicap maintenance” going on before the Open next month. Tsk, tsk! That is not golf, I tell you! And, of course, there was the damage to the Hall, but I’ll get to that. The day was sponsored by L + L King, who provided the prizes and edible refreshments, and we thank them for it. The sponsors nominated stroke play with a minimum of 14 clubs per bag but no one had anything near 14 clubs and one player didn’t even have a bag. This was overshadowed by the damage to the Hall, which I’ll come to in a bit.

At the 19th we welcomed our visitors—Phil Moran (one more appearance and he will have to join the club), Geoff Leeper, Paul Clough and John Clough.

Winners & Grinners

Kevin Rowe, feeling his oats after returning from foreign climes, won the googly ball for—brace yourselves—hitting the door of the Community Hall. Following inspection, it was deemed unnecessary to call in the builders or charge Kevin with malicious damage—we’ll just have to live with the ugly mark on the door (as we have lived for over 20 years with somebody’s dog’s footprints in the concrete floor). Steve Miners got the Dummy Spit award after being outdriven on the second hole by both his kids, neither of whom reach his shoulder. The encouragement award went to his daughter, Amy. Ball winners were Lofty Mason, Neville Schroder, Tayler “Minor” Miners, Michael Fileman, Kevin Rowe, Steve “Major” Miners, Paul Clough and Phil Moran.

Tayler & Larry

The junior comp over nine holes was won by Tayler Miners with 44 off the stick for a net 21. The seniors nine hole comp results were: 3rd Phil Moran 46/34 (OCB from his father-in-law, damn and blast it!), 2nd Michael Fileman 46/30, 1st Debra Fileman 63/24 (hmm…).

Results of the 18 hole comp were: 3rd Pete Harrison 110/74, 2nd Paul Clough 83/72, 1st Kevin Rowe 112/67. Welcome back, Kevin.

The November golf day will be the renowned Wamboin Open on Sunday 2 November. See you at the Hall at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm tee-off. At this stage I cannot confirm that Sam Burgess will be presenting the prizes but it is unlikely because of recent facial surgery. I can confirm that the Prince of Wales will not be wearing his fox hat. Join us at Wamboin on the 5 November. As Chuck said, golf keeps you humble despite great expectations.

September Competition Results

Sunday, 7 September. Woke up singing “Oh What a Beautiful Morning”. Another superb first-Sunday-of-the-month. Another invigorating afternoon on the intergalacticly famous Wamboin golf course. September is Spring Trophy month sponsored by J + L Mason. It is also three club day: you may use only three clubs (choosing is an agony).

Nev & Keith

As ever, our grateful thanks to Joan and Lofty who provided the prizes and eats – particularly to Joan for her traditional and renowned spring rolls, worthy of three hats. Once again the fine weather encouraged the shire’s finely-tuned athletes to flex their muscles in pursuit of the little white (or in Len Ivey’s case, pink) ball. Back at the Bat Cave, Capt. Greenwood welcomed visitor, Glen Crafter in the usual way and announced the competition winners, place getters and other awards.

Winners & Grinners

The dummy spit was unfairly awarded to Keith France for treading on Tim Barter’s ball. It turns out he was merely applying rule 1 of the Rules of Sly Golf, i.e., viz and to whit: “Find it and Grind it”. The award should have gone to the person who drew this unsavoury episode to the attention of the committee. The googly ball went to the suggestion that a funicular railway should be erected from Bingley Way to the top of Mason’s hill for the benefit of disabled golfers. (It could connect with the Gungahlin to Civic tram.) Ball winners were Glen Crafter, Larry King, Len Ivey, John Whitney, Joan Mason, Neville Schroder X 3, Rob Gorham and Paul Griffin.

The junior comp was won by Alex Gordon from Logan Beckett and Madison Gordon. The 9 hole comp winner was Michael Fileman with 49 off the stick for a net 21 (handicapper will note), 2nd was Deb Gordon 52/32, 3rd Ken Gordon 42/35. The winner of the 18 hole comp – and the proud holder of the Spring Trophy – was Nev Schroder 73/61. Nev’s round included seven birdies! The photo shows him putting with his driver (not to be confused with his chauffer, Keith France, who is also in the shot). Runner-up was Len Ivey 75/62, 3rd Paul Griffin 90/64. Our next golf day will be on 5 October when you can warm up for the tightly-contested Wamboin Open in November. See you at the Hall on the 5th at 12.15pm. If you need and excuse say you’re visiting a hospital. I’ve heard it works a treat.

August Competition Results

Wasn’t Sunday (6 August) an absolutely stunning day?! And what better way to spend it than on the quaint, bucolic Wamboin golf course where it was Tradies’ Day, sponsored by those plumbing, electrical and mechanical technicians, Don, Trent and Henk.

Typical Wamboin Gold Cart

The photo shows players in front of a typical Wamboin golf cart. The superb weather guaranteed a sizeable crowd, later swollen by family, friends and neighbours who attended the 19th. Stroke was the order of the day. (Steady, Trigger. That’s stroke play as opposed to golf ‘s other variants). We thank the tradies for the food - including Henk’s traditional pea and ham soup - and the prizes. The prize giving ceremony provided moments of low comedy as the wrong prizes were awarded and had to be reclaimed. There was reference to a Mongolian Cluster Fudge, whatever that is.

Winners & Grinners

Googly balls went to Mads Gordon, Keith France, Len Ivey who was man enough to play with a pink ball which nicely matched his shirt, and the two crocks who drove the entire 9 hole course in a 4WD. Rob Gorham left early so the dummy spit award went to Keith France for……………….

Ball winners were Len Ivey X 3 (yes, that’s what we thought), Philip Moran (visitor) X 2, Rob Gibson, Ken Gordon, Lofty Mason, Keith France and Paul Griffin. The juniors comp over 9 holes was won by Rachel Schroder with 51 off the stick for a net 22. The senior 9 hole competition was won by Rob Gibson 40/29 (handicapper to note!), 2nd John Whitney 38/32, 3rd Ken Gordon 40/33. The 18 hole comp went to Keith France 82/65 on a count-back from Tim Barter 78/65 with Len Ivey taking third place on 79/66.

July Competition Results

Right. I’ll try to keep this simple. There are three kinds of accountants—those that can count and those that can’t. In Wamboin we have all kinds but only one who likes to celebrate the end of the financial year by marking the introduction of the highly-respected goods-and-services tax. And so it came to pass that on Sunday 6 July the golfers of this attractive local government area saddled up for the GST Anniversary day sponsored by Keith France and Kathy Handel (that’s Kathy in the photo with the winning team. Keith like all accountants is shy and self-effacing). The competition was based on the Ambrose system for teams of two. In keeping with the day’s theme 10 per cent was added to players’ handicaps. Those little pencils with the rubber on the end came in very handy. It was a bright, clear day but cold as a well digger’s knee. Nevertheless, a fair crowd including some new golfers took the field. Back at the Community Hall we all wrestled with our score cards over tea and cake thoughtfully provided by the sponsors. Visitors included new golfers Rob and Penny Gibson. Also playing her first game on the peerless Wamboin course was local identity, Deborah Fileman. Scott Mason (now living in Cairns but grew up in Wamboin) appeared with daughter Leila in tow. Scott now sports a beard to avoid being mistaken for a close blood relative.

Grinners
Winners & Grinners

The Googly Ball went to the person who locked the keys in his car and therefore wishes to remain anonymous. He also won the dummy spit award. Ball winners were Neville Schroder X 2, Paul Griffin X 2, John Whitney, Keith France and Pete Harrison. There was no junior comp so the prize was given to Leila Mason. The 9 hole comp winners were the team of Ken Gordon and Larry King with a net score of 29.775 from second placegetters Lofty and Scott Mason on 33.017. A creditable third place was taken by newcomers Rob and Penny Gibson with 35.375. The 18 hole comp was taken out by the team of Nev Schroder and Pete Harrison with 57.2667. We understand that Nev did all the work with Pete’s contribution being his handicap. Second were John Whitney and Paul Griffin on 59.825, from Tim Barter and Charles Guscott on 60.817 in third place.

June Competition Results

It was a dark and stormy night. And so the golf committee decided, for the protection of the course, to cancel next day’s play in the Lambert Vineyards Classic. They wisely announced that the 19th would go ahead at 4.30pm as usual when we would consume the refreshments and drink the prizes. And that should be the end of this report. But it is not: three intrepid golfers decided to play anyway. Two, Tim Barter and Paul Griffin, battled the elements to complete 18 holes. And your correspondent did the “short 9” (alright, 8).

But what a surprise awaited us at the 19th! The crowd had swelled to Ben Hur proportions - almost 30. Amongst them were Ken Gordon’s sister from Melbourne as well as former Wamboinians Jude and Ted Evans all the way from Queanbeyan.

StandingTall

Catering was by L+L King on behalf of S+R Lambert who were travelling North. The crowd descended on the groaning board like pigs at the trough, only less refined. Messrs Barter and Griffin cleaned up all the golf prizes. Your correspondent won the short 9 by default, but as a surrogate sponsor was prevented by tradition from accepting the prize which was settled by lot. Also by tradition, prizes of bottled goods became common property and were put on the bar. Under their responsibly-served and benign influence many problems were solved, the eternal verities reaffirmed (e.g., the earth is, in in fact, round) and much laughter occasioned. Joy was unconfined, as the poet chappie said. (She must have been out on day-release.) Please join us on the first Sunday in July (that’s the 6th ) for the GST Anniversary golf day when you add ten percent to your handicap. As you can see, on golf day you don’t even have to play golf to have fun!

May Competition Results

Despite the near perfect weather, it was unnecesary to call on the minions of the law to control the throng which gathered for the “Retired Sailors' and Airmen's Day” at the Wamboin course on Sunday, 11 May. The phrase “beautiful day” got more use than Joe Hockey’s red pen. Our grateful thanks to Tim Barter and Paul and Diana Griffin for providing the prizes and post competition refreshments which included curry puffs and egg-and-lettuce sandwiches, setting the bar higher for next time. They spoiled it by insisting that the day’s play be scored on the Stableford system which makes the Income Tax Assessment Act look child-like in its simplicity.

Winners & Grinners

Back at the 19th a frisson of excitement ran through the crowd when it was announced that A.Scott had got nearest the pin at Ron’s Dam Hole, but it turned out to be a chap in a kilt with an impenetrable accent. Furthermore it was pointed out that unlike Pope Kyril I (or III) Adam Scott did not possess the gift of bi-location.

Grinners at the 19th

Other nearest-the-pins were: Ryan Kitchen 3! (referred to ICAC in view of close relationship with office-bearer); Tim Barter 2; Pete Harrison and Ken Gordon. The 9 hole junior winner was Alex Gordon, narrowly pipping his sister, Madison. The senior 9 holes was a dead heat between Joan Mason and Ken Gordon. The 18 hole comp was won by Ryan Kitchen with Pete Harrison snapping at his heels.

Over tea and cake—and a few neck oils—your correspondent moved that there should be no future departures from the day’s traditional scheduling on the first Sunday of the month. He was accused of being a Jesuit (ruthlessly suppressing heresy) which you’ll have to admit is pretty flash banter for a rural golf club. In defence he asserted his only connection to the Black Robes, a group which as a Shinto Catholic he held in admiration, was a neighbour who had gone to the same school as Tony Abbott. But enough of religion and politics: that is a slippery slope which leads to you know where. But, as the shades of night fell fast, the typical Wamboin spirit of good will and bonhomie returned as golfers departed for the home fires after the day’s sport. Next month it will be Lambert Vineyards turn to host the day which will be 1 June. Please join us as we kick our way through Autumn’s golden gown (with acknowledgement to Jeff Wayne).

April Competition Results
The Wamboin Mini Masters

Pending... (well, once again, perhaps never to appear)

In the sand

All tired out

The fabled Green Jacket

March Competition Results

The March Stableford competition was played in near perfect weather on fresh green grassy fairways, which caused some new players to come out of the woodwork. The day was sponsored, and healthily catered for, by Ken and Deb Gordon.

Winners & Grinners

Senior encouragement awards went to Penny Gibson and Debra Fileman and the junior one to Isabell Keller.

On the tee

The junior winner for the day was Rachael Schroder with 17 points for 9 holes. Nine Hole winners were Rob Gibson 24 points, Neville Schroder 22 and Joan Mason 21.

The 18 hole competition winners were first; Pete Harrison 40, 2nd Tim Barter 38 and 3rd Ryan Kitchen with a 36 which will not catch the eye of the handicapper.

The April competition played on Sunday the 6th will be the exciting, and sometimes frustrating, Mini Masters sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association.

February Competition Results

Pending... (or perhaps another report that, for better or worse, has been lost in the mists of time...)

January Competition Results

Pending... (or perhaps that should just be "Pretending...")

2013

December Competition Results

A small but select crowd of attractive and intelligent people gathered at the Wamboin Community Hall at 12 noon on Sunday 1 December to contest the annual Wamboin Christmas Staple Foot Golf Day. The day was sponsored by Ted and Judith Evans—now residing in that Sodom and Gomorrah of the southern tablelands, Queanbeyan—who also arranged the post-competition snacks and presided over the prize giving ceremony.

There was one visitor, a Mr Colin Prest from upper Wamboin who did not play in the competition but suspiciously turned up afterwards claiming that the inordinate heat of the day required several “fluid loss adjusters”. He was awarded the famous Googly Ball. Rob Gorham was not present to claim his usual dummy spit award which was shared equally between Keith France and Tim Barter for reasons too trivial for your correspondent to recall.

Winners & Grinners

Ball winners, for arcane reasons known only to golfers, were: Rachel Schroder x 2, Dave Hubbard x 2, Tim Barter, Nev Schroder, Larry King, Paul Griffin and Lofty Mason. The winner of the junior competition was Rachel Schroder who celebrated her 8th birthday by amassing 24 Staple Foot points. Place getters in the 9-hole competition were: 3rd, Deb Gordon 17 points on a count back; second, Larry King 19 points; first Lofty Mason 20 points.

The place getters in the 18-hole competition were: 3rd, Dave Hubbard 38 points; second, Nev Schroder 40 points; and first Paul Griffin 41 points. Mr Griffin, resplendent in a pair of very attractive and practical bush walking trousers, was a worthy winner of the Wamboin R & A Golf Club’s Christmas Cup and charmed the crowd with a few modest but well-chosen words.

November Competition Results
28th Wamboin Open

On a warm and rather windy Sunday afternoon, a field of about twenty golfers gathered to contest the 28th Wamboin Open, sponsored by the Wamboin Country Golf Club and Queanbeyan City Travel & Cruise. The Open is always played as a stroke event, with players choosing to take on our challenging 9 or 18 hole course. This year saw, we think for the first time, a motorised device being ridden around the course by one of the competitors. Rumour has it that it didn't really help, but coming third in the nine hole comp probably raised concerns with the day's match committee.

As is tradition, Rob Gorham took out the "Dummy Spit" award—apparently the wind affected his practise round earlier in the day and left him a little red faced. I'm not sure if a Googly Ball was awarded on the day but I know from first hand knowledge that Len Ivey's birdie putt on Lofty's "Saddle Up" was a putt to behold.

Winners & Grinners

Long drive and nearest the pin winners were Keith France, Rob Gorham, John Whitney, Len Ivey x2, Tim Barter, Charles Guscott, Larry King x2 and Lofty Mason.

9 Hole Club Champions: 1st Ken Gordon 38/32, 2nd Rob Gorham 42/32, 3rd Peter Greenwood 44/32, all on count back
18 Hole Club Champions: 1st Tim barter 72/62 ocb, 2nd Len Ivey 77/62, 3rd Charles Guscott 94/62
2013 Eclectic 9 Hole winner was Ken Gordon while Tim Barter took out the 18 Hole event.

Open Champions

The 2013 Junior Champion, with an excellent 67/27, is Alex Gordon, with sister Madison taking second
The 2013 Ladies' Open Champion (9 holes) is Joan Mason with 46/34
The 2013 Wamboin Men's Open Champion is Dan Monie with a 76 gross

October Competition Results

Due to School Holidays and the long weekend only a small group of players registered in for the October competition. Of course this had the advantage of, when being combined with a generous gift of prizes from Lamberts Vineyard, all players were prize worthy(?) Although the Lamberts were also among the absentees, they had arranged for Libby and Larry King to cater for the day. Dennis Todd (brother-in-law to Ted Evans) from Brisbane was a welcome visitor on the day.

Winners & Grinners

The Long Drive and Nearest the Pin ball winners were Len Ivey x2, Pete Harrison x2 Joan Mason x2 and Dennis Todd x1. Nine Hole winners were Joan Mason 44/32, Larry King 48/35 and Helen Loche 76/40.

The 18 hole competition winners were first; Paul Griffin 89/64, Len Ivey 2nd with an 88/73 on a count back from Pete Harrison 105/73.

For the record, Lofty Mason and Dennis Todd also swung their clubs (too often) on the day.

September Competition Results

The first game of spring is traditionally the Mason Spring Trophy, and for that very reason we all gathered on a beautiful sunny afternoon to take part in Lofty's three stick event over either 9 or 18 holes on Wamboin's wonderful course. No Spring Trophy event would be complete without those mouth watering Spring Rolls, along with other wonderful kitchen treats prepared by our very own Joan Mason.

Winners & Grinners

The day's Googly Ball went to Larry King while Lisa Whitney, although not a player this day, took out the Dummy Spit award. Ball winners were Pete Harrison x2, Ken Gordon x2, Len Ivey x2, Larry King, Tim Barter and Paul Griffin. Our Junior awards went to Rachel Schroder with Madison and Alex Gordon equal in 2nd place. The 9 hole winners were Ken Gordon 39/33, Larry King 47/34 and Rob Gorham 45/35.

The winner of the 18 hole event, and the new holder of the Mason Spring Trophy, was Tim Barter, with a wonderful 78/64. The handicapper has noted this big win and probably should have taken a swab as Tim struggled through the day with a bad case of flu. Second was Len Ivey with a 82/68, and third Charles Guscott with 94/72.

August Competition Results

The August "Tradies Day" competition was played using the stroke scoring system with all competitors rugging up due to the cool and windy conditions. Our sponsors were those regular "Tradies" Don, Hank and Trent, who put on a warm and hearty spread for all and sundry.

Dave

A relatively small field of intrepid golfers set out at 12:30 with Cr Pete Harrison playing yet another game of golf on our challenging 18 hole course. The Googly ball award went to Larry King while the dummy spit trophy was taken out by Tim Barter.

Winners & Grinners

The 18 hole event was won by our youngest player on the day Jack Whitney with a excellent 85/66. Word has travelled fast that the handicapper will look at this win with interest. Second was Tim Barter on 80/67 with Paul Hogarth on 82/68.

The 9 hole event saw Lofty Mason take out the prize with his good wife Joan second. An out of form Larry King apparently submitted his card at the end of the day, then disappeared, before returning to the evenings presentation event—some say he was off practising.

Nearest the pin and long drive winners were Joan Mason x2, Paul Hogarth x2, Jack Whitney x2, Lofty Mason and John Whitney.

July Competition Results

Dave

This month's event, The GST Anniversary Handicap, was sponsored by Keith France and Parkhill Financial Group with Kathy and Keith looking after the eats. Our Wamboin golfers were out in force for the annual GST anniversary competition, an Ambrose teams event with a 10% GST complication factor in the handicapping. True to form for this event is the Googly Ball and Dummy Spit awards - thanks Tony and Charlie for your participation!

Winners & Grinners

Our ball winners this month were Dave Hubbard, Len Ivey x2, Joan Mason x2, Paul Griffin, Lofty Mason, Keith France, Charlie Montesin and Tim Barter.

The 9 hole winners were Ken and Alex Gordon with a score of 26.35, followed by Joan, Lofty and Pete Harrison with 30.85 then Deb and Madison Gordon on 39.05.

The 18 hole competition winners were Tim Barter and Len Ivey with a 60.3 followed by Paul Griffin and Dave Hubbard with a respectable 62.71.

June Competition Results

Larry

An event re-shuffle had L & L King sponsoring The Larry & Libby King Affair a little earlier than planned. Scrumptious eats by Libby were enjoyed by all at the end of the days play around a big fire in the community hall. Close to 15 players turned out to compete in a stroke event around our rain blessed course.

Winners & Grinners

The encouragement award went to Madison and Alex Gordon with the day's Junior Award going to Taylor Miners with a score of 54/26 - well done Taylor.

The 9 hole event was won by John Whitney, on count back, with a 38/32, second would have been Larry but ... so Steve Miners took out 2nd with a 41/32 with Joan and/or Lofty taking 3rd with a 45/32.

The 18 hole event was won by Tim Barter with a 79/65, second was Paul Griffin with 94/71 and Len Ivey taking 3rd with 87/73.

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners were Ken Gordon x2, Joan Mason x 2, Larry King, Tim Barter, Stephen Miners, Len Ivey and Lofty Mason.

This month's Googly Ball went to Paul Griffin and we all know who received the Dummy Spit award.

May Competition Results

Paul

This month's event, The Sailors' & Airmen's Trophy, was sponsored by Tim and Paul with the 'eats' provided by Dianne Griffin, helped along by Kyle and Paul.

Although not mentioned by our handicapper on the "Official Results for Publication Form", I gather the days event was Stableford. If not, the scores indicate that our dear little par 66 course was shot to pieces!

Winners & Grinners

Our ball winners included Deb and Ken Gordon, Joan and Lofty Mason, Rob Gorham, Keith France, Charles Guscott, Paul Griffin and Stephen Miners. Helen Locke was awarded the Googly Ball with Nev having the day's Dummy Spit. Junior winners were Taylor Miners and Alex Gordon with Madison and Rachel receiving the days encouragement award.

The 9 hole winner was Lofty Mason on 23, followed by Ken edging out his wife Deb, on a 16 count back. Both our sponsors, Tim (38) and Paul (33) were up in the placings for the 18 hole event but as is tradition … So the days 18 hole winners were Steve Miners on 37, Keith France on 34 and Rob Gorham on a respectable 30.

April Competition Results—Wamboin Mini Masters

Mini Masters

The Wamboin Mini Masters this year was a stroke event played over 12 holes on the beautiful undulating fairways at both the Masons and across the road at Shep's. Once back at the hall, an 80 metre pitching event took place for all the contestants. This consisted of 4 disciplines: the sloping plank, the car tyre, a sand box and finally the notorious tall tee.

Rob

The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association represented by the president Jenny Richards with assistance from Anita. Also a special mention to those ever reliable "tradies", Hank and Don, for assistance on the pitching course.

An enthusiastic field of golfers turned out on a beautiful afternoon with the day's encouragement award going to Pete Harrison who, as we all know, needs little encouragement to partake.

Winners & Grinners

Young Jarrod Beckett earned the junior award this month with Ken Gordon and Rob Gorham taking out the prizes in the Mini Masters pitching event. The net winners on the day were Paul Griffin with a 57/49 followed closely by Jack Whitney with a 56/50 (no longer a junior as he appears taller than his dad). There were no real dummy spits on the day but it was noted in the official minutes that Len Ivey failed to finish, Charles Guscott played well below his capabilities and Larry King was not sighted until the sun had well and truly set!

The Mini Masters winners for 2013 were Tim Barter on 55, closely pipped by Ken Gordon also on 55 (on count back), with the Green Jacket going to John Whitney with a score or 53.

March Competition Results

This month's event was sponsored by Deb, Ken and Rob. Many thanks from all the players and visitors for the fine eats and kitchen dexterity. The days play revolved around the Ambrose event with people pairing up, or should I say ganging up, to eliminate their opponents.

Winners & Grinners

Our ball winners included Linda Ivey, Lofty Mason, Rob Gorham, Len Ivey, Tim Barter x2, Nev Schroder and Rachel Schroder x2.

Ned Kelley Trophy

The 9 hole winners were Nev and Rachel Schroder plus Keith France with a score of gross 33, net 25.66. In second place was the gathering of Joan and Lofty Mason, Linda Ivey and young Jason Beckett—who apparently held the team together. Their score was 38 gross, net 27.25.

The 18 hole winners, locally known as the gang of FORE, were Tim Barter, Rob Gorham, Paul Griffin and Len Ivey with a score of 63/53.5

The handicapper wasn't sure of the day's "dummy spit" award, but we could mention two things: Keith's eagle on Weepers Drive and eagles for individuals in an Ambrose event don't get much acclaim.

Last but not least is the infamous Ned Kelly Trophy, taken home by Kevin Rowe as his wife Barbara was taken by its beauty.

February Competition Results

Short & Sweet

The February event was conducted under ideal Wamboin summer conditions, with the usual gathering of accomplished golfers and their husbands. The days proceedings started at 12:30 from the community hall in Bingley Way and concluded with snacks, nibbles and riveting conversations.

Rob

An excellent field of golfers turned out with the day's stroke event being sponsored jointly by the Whitney and Schroder families of Wamboin. Our golfing visitors today were Ellen Smith, Mike Fileman, Kevin Rowe and Nick Ivey.

Bottleneck
Winners & Grinners

The Junior event winner this month was Rachel Schroder who had a wonderful 60/23 for the nine holes. Encouragement awards went to Madison and Alex Gordon.

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners were Mike Fileman, Jack Whitney x2, Tim Barter, Ken Gordon x2, Rob Goram x2 and Nick Ivey x2.

The 9 hole event was won by Deb Gordon with a 49/29, second Paul Hogarth with a 41/34 followed by Helen Locke on 79/43.

he 18 hole event was won by Rob Gorham with a blistering 80/59 (handicapper should have fun with this), second was Tim barter 77/63 on count back from Jack Whitney with a 82/63.

January Competition Results

Ken

The first event for 2013 was the Hubbard/Wiyagiba Trading 10 hole, shotgun start, 3 stick stableford event. Considering the temperature on the day, a large contingent of golfers started out from the Community Hall. With play disrupted due to an afternoon bush fire in the area, most, but not all golfers finished the round. Thanks to all those volunteer fire fighters who keep our community safe.

Our junior stars this month were Zac Ward, Alex Gordon and Madison Gordon. NTP winners were Paul Griffin x2, Kyle Griffin, Dan Moonie, Jason Beckett, Scott Ward, Ken Gordon and Len Ivey.

The 3 stick, stableford winners were Deb Gordon 1st, Charles Guscott 2nd, Paul Griffin 3rd.

2012

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup, sponsored by Ted and Judith Evans, took place on Sunday 2nd December, the weather being fine to warm with a light breeze blowing in from the Brindabella’s. After a warm November and some late showers the fairways were in pristine condition, perfectly manicured by expert tractor manipulators meant that low scores were the order of the day. Highlighted by Dave’s spectacular 44 (Dave played twice this year – once in January and again today) – leading to his new nick name “shingleback” – only comes out when the weather is hot. His round will attract the attention of the handicapper.

Fashions on the fairways – Len (under instruction) teamed his beige sock-savers with his light coloured tan shorts – while his wife set off her dark green sock-savers with a light coloured green golf shirt, highlighted by a beige wide brimmed hat – this attention to sartorial elegance obviously paid dividends as the Ivey family featured very highly in the prizes.

Todays first time players were Liam Brew and Paul Hogarth, welcome gents.

Winners & Grinners:

Ball winners this Sunday were Dave Hubbard x3, Ken Gordon, Joan Mason, Paul Hogarth, Taylor Miners and Keith France x3.

Logan Beckett took out the Juniors while the 9 hole event went to Linda Ivey with 21 points, followed by Ken Gordon on 17 then Joan Mason on 15 points. The 18 hole event was cleaned up by Dave Hubbard with 44 points, followed by Len Ivey 39 and Keith France 39 ocb.

November Competition Results
27th Wamboin Open

On a rather warm and sunny Sunday afternoon a field of twenty plus golfers gathered at the Wamboin Rural Golf Course to contest the 27th Wamboin Golf Open. As is tradition, a stoke event is played over this rugged and challenging terrain with competitors choosing to play either the 9 or 18 hole course. At the end of the day, another tradition took place - the gathering of players and spectators to witness the trophy presentations and partake in plentiful eats and refreshments. Today's visitor trophy went to Casey Ivey who shared a round with her not so famous golfing dad, Len.

Winners & Grinners:

Long drive and nearest the pin winners were Joan Mason, Ken Gordon x2, Neville Schroder, Rob Gorham x2, Dan Monie and John Whitney.

Club Champions for their net score were: 9 holes Deb Gordon first, Jason Beckett second and Peter Greenwood third. 18 hole Club Champions for 2012 were Len Ivey first, John Whitney second and Tim Barter third. Eclectic Champions being Nev Schroder for the 18 holes and Ken Gordon for the 9 competition. Junior Encouragement Awards went to Maddy, Phoebe, Alex, Jarrod and Logan - well done kids.

Open Champions

The 2012 Junior Champion is Rachel Schroder
The 2012 Ladies Open Champion (9 holes) is Joan Mason
The 2012 Wamboin Men's Open Champion is Dan Monie.

October Competition Results

This month's event was sponsored by Libby and Larry King. The golfing fraternity know them as L & L King, but they should not be confused with L and L King. Thank you Libby for all the work in the kitchen and the wonderful spread at the end of the day. Larry, your score may get a mention later in this report.

Along with beautiful weather we had a good turnout of local golfers with newcomer Helen Locke participating in our 9 hole competition – welcome Helen. Although not sanctioned, the two hole competition saw Lisa and Trish hit a few balls close to the 19th hole before settling into the Ladies' Lounge and enjoying festivities at day's end.

Winners & Grinners:

Our Junior winners this month were Alex Gordon, closely followed by his sister Madison. Ball winners were Paul Griffin x4, Len Ivey x3, Joan Mason and John Whitney.

The 9 hole competition was won by Peter Greenwood on 32 (records suggest this may be his first win), second Ken Gordon on 36 and Joan Mason third with 37. Larry King's 35, as sponsor, proved fruitless. The 18 hole comp was taken out by Len Ivey with a spectacular 66 closely followed by his playing partner Paul Griffin on 67 and John Whitney taking third prize with 72.

September Competition Results

Traditionally the first game of spring is the Mason Spring Trophy, and for that very reason we all gathered on a beautiful sunny afternoon to partake in Lofty's three stick event over both 9 and 18 holes on the wonderful Wamboin course. No Spring Trophy event would be complete without those mouth watering home made Spring Rolls, along with other wonderful kitchen treats prepared by our very own Joan Mason - thanks again Joan.

Winners & Grinners:

The 18 hole event and the new holder of the Mason Spring Trophy, sweeping all aside with a staggering 78/60, was Keith France. The handicapper has noted this big win and will probably take a good 11% off his handicap. Second was Tim Barter with 81/67 and third was Charles Guscott on 87/67, both on count back.

The 9 hole winners were Ken Gordon 38/33, Deb Gordon 53/32 and John Whitney with 38/32 ocb. Congratulations to Alex Gordon for winning the Juniors with fine rounds of golf by Rachel Schroder and Madison Gordon. I believe we have now mentioned the entire Gordon family... Well done.

Ball winners for nearest-to-the-pin and long drive were Nev Schroder x3, Larry King x3, Paul Griffin x2 and Rob Gorham.

August Competition Results

The August "Tradies Day" competition was played using the stableford scoring system with all competitors rugging up due to the cool and, at times, windy conditions. Our sponsors were those regular "tradies" Trent, Don and Hank - who always put on a great spread and hearty soup for these cooler days.

Approximately 15 regular golfers set out at 12:30 with todays visitor, but long time Wamboin resident, Scott Ward, taking on our challenging 18 hole course for the first time.

Winners & Grinners:

The 18 hole event was won by Neville Schroder with a massive 42 points, 2nd was Paul Griffin with 40, and third was our visitor (who now has the attention of the handicapper) Scott Ward with 39 points.

This month's junior award went to Rachel Schroder with 19 points, the 9 hole event was taken out by Lofty mason with 22 points followed by Larry King on 16.

Nearest the pin and long drive winners were Scott Ward (3) Lofty Mason, Nev Schroder, Paul Griffin, John Whitney and Larry King.

July Competition Results

There has been a failure to communicate the results of the July competition... We are looking into this problem.

June Competition Results

This month's event was sponsored, as usual, by Lambert Vineyards, with the eats, nibbles and kitchen duties overseen by Steve. Stroke-play was the order of the day and our visitors were Jenny Warren and Peter Reid.

Ted Evans, who decided not to don the plus fours this month, enthralled the gathering with a Googly Ball story about a well known local male identity and his dilemma with putting.

Winners & Grinners:

The 9 hole event was taken out by Larry King, well known local male identity, with a score of 43/30, second would have been Steve Lambert, but we all know the rules about sponsors, so Peter Greenwood took those honours with a 45/34, Lofty Mason coming in third with 53/39.

The 18 holers, although small in number, pushed each other until the very end. Winner, with a 84/59 was Paul (Comrade) Griffin, second Tim Barter on 79/66 and third Matt O'Brien with 104/73. Ball winners on the day were Tim x4, Paul and Matt x2 with Peter G and Rob G taking home just one each.

Two members received the credited NAGA awards this month, namely Rob Gorham and Ron Shepherd.

May Competition Results

An enthusiastic group of locals ventured onto the course for the May stroke event. The weather stayed fine and as the sun set and the golfers returned to the Community Hall all were relieved that the fire was well alight.

The day was sponsored by Paul Griffin and Time Barter with Dianna being responsible for the endless wonderful eats and treats.

Winners & Grinners:

Young Alex Gordon won the Encouragement award along with the junior title scoring a 75/35. The 9 hole event was taken out by Rachel Schroder with a gob smacking 64/24, her dad Neville 2nd with a 39/32 and tied for third was Deb Gordon and Larry King with a net 34. It should also be noted that Rachel's par on the hole "Hall NTP" would have given her a stableford 7 for that hole - needless to say Rachel also took home the infamous Ned Kelly Trophy.

The 18 hole event would have seen Paul Griffin way out in the lead with a 91/66 but sponsors rarely take home prizes. This left the door open for Rob Gorham and John Whitney to take home trophies with 92/73 and 83/71 respectively. Ball winners were Rob 1, Larry 1, Lofty 2, Paul 2, and John 4.

April Competition Results

The Wamboin Mini Masters has just celebrated its 10th anniversary and as is tradition, the event is played over 12 holes on the regular course, followed by an 80 metre pitching event back at the hall. It is then up to our starter, handicapper, judge and MC on the day, notably Lofty Mason, to formally present the Mini Masters Green Jacket to the event winner.

The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association with assistance on the pitching course from those ever reliable "Tradies", Hank and Don.

An enthusiastic field of golfers turned out with the days visitors, Janelle and Murray Goodridge, travelling all the way from Bywong.

Winners & Grinners:

Young Jarrod Beckett earned the junior encouragement award this month with Janelle Goodridge and Keith Wrench showing the way in the pitching competition. The handicap event was taken out by Larry King with a score of 41.7 with Charles Guscott, our perpetual visitor, on 43.7.

The Junior Master for 2012 on a score of 59 was Jack Whitney, Masters runner-up was John Whitney on 51 but the days accolades and the 2012 Mini Masters and treasured Green Jacket went to Tim Barter with a score or 50.

March Competition

Due to inclement weather conditions, the March competition was conducted exclusively on the 19th Hole, and a good time was had by all.

February Competition Results

The February event was conducted under wonderful Wamboin blue skies, warm conditions, with the usual gathering of accomplished golfers and their husbands. The days proceedings started at 12:30 from the community hall in Bingley Way and concluded with snacks, nibbles and riveting conversation at the said address.

An excellent field of 24 golfers turned out with the days stroke event being sponsored by the Whitney's of Wamboin.

Our golfing visitors on the day were Trisha Ziebell, Cody Love and Tony (Wagonga) Smith.

Grinners:
Cody & Jack

Our handicapper will certainly welcome him back (under review of course) but visitor Cody Love took out this months encouragement award - well done Cody. The Googly Ball winner was Lofty Mason, but for some reason we are not privy to why - email or phone Lofty for enlightenment. The Dummy Spit award passed frequently between members during proceedings, so we should not mention names ... but you all know who you are!

Winners:

The Junior event winner this month was Logan Beckett, with Rachael Schroder only one point behind. Prizes also went to Jarrod, Maddison and Alex.

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners: Cody Love (x3), Len Ivey (x2), Tony Smith (x2), Matt O'Brien, Jason Beckett and Nev Schroder. The 9 hole event was won by Peter Greenwood (definately his first win in many years) with a 42/30, on count back from Deb Gordon with 51/30 and third was Joan Mason with a 44/32. The 18 hole event could easily have been won by one of the sponsors with a breathtaking 76/62 but, as is tradition, declined the award.

Len Ivey took out first with a 82/67, second was Matt O'Brien with 98/68 and third place was awarded to Tim Barter with a 82/70.

January Competition Results

Joan

Due to recurring hot conditions for January golf in Wamboin, this year the competition was restricted to a 10 hole stableford event, starting at 2:30pm to take advantage of the cooler part of the day. As is customary for the Wyagiba Trading day, it was a three stick event with a shotgun start.

Seventeen players contested the event. Not to be outdone by the players hitting the tee-block with their drives in December, Peter Greenwood won the googly ball for a startling ricochet off the front of the tee on Ron's Dam Hole.

The day was won by Shannon Mould. Second was Lofty Mason, followed by Matt O'Brien, Neville Schroder. Stephen Miners, Jason Beckett and Dave Hubbard. The Junior event was won by Rachel Schroder.

The Ball winners were Ian Picker, Joan Mason(2), Nev Schroder(3), Keith France, Jason Beckett, Tim Barter.

2011

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup, proudly sponsored by Ted and Judith Evans this time each year, was held on Sunday 4th December with another good attendance in ideal golfing conditions. This months visitors to our monthly challenge were Brendon Booker and Kevin Hanley.

Grinners:

The Googly Ball was contested by at least three golfers, but it appears that Nev Schroder’s backward shot on the par 3 “Short & Sweet” won the day.

The young guns, namely Logan Beckett, Rachel Schroder and Alex Gordon received Encouragement awards with the Special Encouragement awarded going to Jarrod Beckett who, not only played his first game on this wonderful course, returned a very respectable score – well done Jarrod.

Winners:

The 9 Hole Event: 1st Lofty Mason with 46/31, then Jason Beckett 45/32 and Peter Greenwood 45/33 (record books may have to be checked, could this be one of his many “first” awards)?

The 18 Hole Event: 1st Matt O’Brien with 94/63, followed by Nev Schroder 77/64 and Paul Griffin on 90/65.

The Longest Drive and Nearest the Pin awards went to Ken Gordon (2), Tim Barter, Jason Beckett (2), Joan Mason and Nev Schroder.

November Competition Results

Winners

The 26th Wamboin Golf Open was held on Sunday 6 November in warm pleasant conditions.

The capstone golf event of the Wamboin Golf calendar was well supported with approximately 30 players striving for their place in history. To the eventual winners; a sense of triumph as their names are immortalised on the Honour Board proudly displayed above the refrigerator in the Wamboin Community Hall. Such is the competitive nature of the Open that some members have been vying for 20 years to achieve this accomplishment.

The historic significance and deep tradition of the Open is an attraction for sponsors and the Wamboin Golf Executive would like to extend their thanks for the donation of numerous prizes from the sponsors. Unfortunately their names escape me for the moment.

Grinners:

The Googly Ball was not ‘formally’ awarded; however, Peter Greenwood stepped up for a nomination. New player, Linda Ivey voiced her opinion that she had won a nearest to the pin because she was the 1st name on the marker. Peter said she was ‘knocked off’ by two blokes after that and the prize is to be awarded to the last bloke in the chain! Umm that comment could have been structured with a little more finesse.

A very well done to Deb Gordon, she filled in at a moments notice during the presentations. Her spontaneous entertainment ably supported by the photogenic Larry King was hilarious; unfortunately the photos taken in dexterous poses and positions are not for publication in this medium.

A special tribute to Ben Hubbard for completing the round in shoes rather than his customary thongs. It appears this future Financial Advisor’s long term saving strategy is paying dividends; he can now afford shoes and even laces!

The Dummy Spit; usually and deservedly awarded to Peter Greenwood was won during a late repechage by ☺. Whilst holding a minor prize in his hands was heard bleating; “I didn’t win a decent bloody thing this month’.Joan Peter still receives 2nd prize in the dummy spit because he normally wins 1st prize every time he opens his mouth. He is closely followed by Rob Gorham with 3rd prize. Though Rob didn’t play and was not in attendance for the open, he is known to be always thinking dummy spit thoughts!

Winners:

Finally, and after 20 long years Tim Barter is crowned the Men’s Wamboin Open Champion for 2011, he won with a score 75. The Ladies 9 Hole Open Champion is Joan Mason with a score of 40.

Larry
Minor Winners include:

The 18 Hole Champion: 1st Len Ivey with 78/61, 2nd Matt O’Brien with 95/63 and 3rd Nev Schroder with 78/65.

The 9 Hole Champion: 1st Ken Gordon with 34/29, 2nd Deb Gordon with 53/30 and 3rd Linda Ivey with 66/30.

The Junior Champion for 2011 is Jack Whitney with 85/66.

The Eclectic Champion for 2011 and for the last 4 years is Tim Barter with 61/55 with Nev Schroder 2nd with 62/56.

The Longest Drive and Nearest the Pin awards went to Jack Whitney, Larry King, Ben Hubbard x 3, Len Ivey, Nev Schroder and Steve Miners.

The junior Encouragement awards went to Taylor Miners, Alex Gordon and Madison Gordon.

Happy Wamboin golfing

October Competition Results

October celebrated 25 years of Wamboin rural golf and this month's event was sponsored by Larry and Libby King of L & L King fame, not to be confused with L & L King. The rain stayed away and a field of enthusiastic golfers competed in a stroke event over 9 or 18 holes. This months visitors to the course were Colin Brammal and Ryans Road's very own Ed Auzins. It was also refreshing to see Ruth and Steve Lambert placing their international rugby rampage on hold for an afternoon of rural golf.

Grinners:
Ed Auzins

Beside another warm fire and our newly renovated kitchen the traditional Googly Ball and Dummy Spit awards were presented. We're not sure if Ed Auzins received the Googly Ball by driving a ball into a tree 3 metres from the tee, having it come back past his playing partners not much slower than the last shuttle re-entry or winning with a 20 metre drive on Twin Gums. A second Googly Ball was awarded to Tim Barter for claiming a birdie when his drive was clearly seen on a driveway many miles from the tee. John W was awarded this months dummy spit but all agreed he was unduly provoked by the handicapper earlier in the day.

Winners:

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners: Joan Mason, Colin Brammal, Ed Auzins, Ron Shepherd, Tim Barter, Nev Schroder, Jack Whitney, John Whitney x2.

The 9 hole event was looking good for Larry with a 43/30 but tradition prevailed and Joan Mason won the day with a 45/32, well done Joan. Second was Lofty Mason with 48/33 with Steve Lambert taking third with 51/38.

The 18 hole event this month went to Nev Schroder with 76/63, then John Whitney on 80/69 with Comrade Paul Griffin 96/72 OCB.


Next month, November, is the annual Wamboin Open. This year the LADIES OPEN with be played over 9 HOLES. So all you ladies and lassies in the district, why not join us for a very sociable and enjoyable afternoon. Tee off is 12:30 on November 6th from the Wamboin Community Hall.

September Competition Results

Lofty and Joan Mason, pioneer settlers of Wamboin and foundation members of the popular Wamboin Golf Club, hosted the 25th Spring Trophy. The stableford or stapleford event (according to Lofty) was played in fresh conditions on Sunday 4 September.

The competition was well supported with approximately 30 players vying for an assortment of prizes. Joan, ably assisted by the Ladies Lounge fraternity, prepared sumptuous snacks in the revamped kitchen of the Wamboin Community Hall. The Sunday roast dinner was shelved for another week!

Grinners:

The Googly Ball was awarded to Ron Sheppard for the collateral damage caused to golf tee retaining wall as a result of a ‘fresh air golf swing’.

There was a special mention for Lee Guscott playing her first game; huge celebrations erupted when she hit a ball over the dam rather than in it!

Legendary Wamboin golf willboury Ian Picker, who attends annually to ensure he qualifies for new player status, received his annual encouragement award. The MC, often going under the pseudonym of Peter Greenwood, presented Ian with a ‘driving range’ voucher of 75 balls.

Much to Peter’s delight, donations had increased this award from the original voucher of 25 balls. With mathematical dexterity Peter explained this prize had tripled in value. It was ground breaking science and the golf community were in awe of this new Einstein.

The Dummy Spit was not awarded; however, by default it was shared by Peter Greenwood and Rob Gorham – habitual offenders.

Winners:
Joan Mason & Steve Minors

John Whitney who played in the 9 hole competition won the longest drive on a hole he did not officially play. He furtively accepted his ball and did his best to remain anonymous for the remainder of the presentations.

Other nearest to the pin and longest drive ball winners: Lofty Mason x 2, Joan Mason, Peter Greenwood, Ken Gordon x 2, Larry King and Wamboin golf debutant Shannon Mould.

The 9 hole event was won on count back by Larry King, with Ken Gordon 2nd and Len Ivey 3rd all players on 17 points.

The 18 hole event was won by Steve Minors with 32 points, Tim Barter 2nd with 38 points and Paul Griffin 3rd on 32 points.

August Competition Results

The August "Tradies Day" event proceeded under blue skies, after some welcome rain, on Sunday 7th August. A large field of 24 golfers turned out with this months competition being a stroke event. Many thanks to Don, Hank and Trent, not only for the tasty spread, but for utilising a little electrical wizardry to keep the food flowing in the absence of a functioning kitchen.

Grinners:
Ladies' Lounge

Beside a warm welcoming fire, the "Lounge" was alive with Ladies of all ages enjoying the sparkling company, flowers and complementary ground cocoa seeds pressed into delicious blocks. It's no wonder that with all this gayety and frivolity in the air, our MC (of some age now) failed to present the traditional Dummy Spit and Googly Ball awards. The club also welcomed Mr Geoff Barter as visitor to all these proceedings.

Winners:

This months encouragement award went to Linda Ivey, which all agree, rates far more highly than her husband's standing in the 18 hole event.

The Junior event winner this month is Taylor Miners - well done Taylor.

Jack & Paul

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners: Joan Mason, Jack Whitney (2), Paul Griffin, Ken Gordon (2), Tim Barter, Nev Schroder and Keith France.

The 9 hole event was won by Deb Gordon with a net score of 28 from Larry Trim King and Ron Shepherd on 29.

The 18 hole event was won by Matt O'Brien with a 96/59, second was Jack Whitney with 84/63 then Len Ivey with a 82/65.

July Competition Results

PARKHILL Financial Group, represented by Keith France, proudly sponsored the 11th anniversary of the GST golf competition on Sunday 3 July.

The competition was a modified two per team Ambrose event with handicaps combined then manipulated with accounting finesse and a further 10% added for complexity and confusion.

Grinners:

The Googly Ball was awarded to John Whitney for wearing his bogan shirt.

The Dummy Spit was won again by Peter Greenwood - An habitual offender who wins this more often than most.

Winners:

Nearest the pin and longest drive ball winners: Joan Mason x 2, Paul Griffin, Charles Guscott, Stephen Miners, Tim Barter, Jack Whitney, Peter Greenwood, Matt O’Brien and Rob Gorham.

The 9 hole event was won by Joan and Lofty Mason with a score of 32.575 from Steve Miners and Ron Shepherd with a score of 31.575.

The 18 hole event was won by Len Ivey and Charles Guscott with a score of 57.375 from Matt O’Brien and Tim Barter with a score of 63.525.

June Competition Results

The Wamboin Golf Club competition on June 5th was a modified handicap Ambrose event sponsored by Steve and Ruth Lambert from Lambert Vineyards with a great selection of wines on offer as prizes.

The 9 hole competition was won by the team of Ken and Alex Gordon with the team of Rob Gorham, Lofty and Joan Mason coming in second.

The 18 hole competition was keenly fought with prizes going all the way to fourth. Winners were Jason and Logan Beckett with John and Jack Whitney, with a team score of 41.7. Second were Steve Lambert, Phil Kuczma and Larry King with 44.4. Third team were Nev and Rachel Schroder and Keith France with a score of 45 and fourth were Charles Guscott, Tim Barter and Paul Griffin with a score of 48.7. Looks a bit as though the juniors with their generous handicaps helped their Dads bring home the trophies in this family oriented golf club.

Congratulations to all the winners, but every player was a winner and went home with a prize.

May Competition Results

There were keen 9 hole and 18 hole Stableford competitions in the monthly Wamboin golf club games sponsored by Paul Griffin and Tim Barter.

The Encouragement award this month went to young Alex Gordon and the Junior competition was won by Logan Beckett.

Long drive and nearest the pin winners were Paul Griffin, Tim Barter, Nev Schroder x2, Jack Whitney x2, Tony Harrison x2 and Ken Gordon.

The 9 hole competition was won by Ken Gordon with 25 points from Joan Mason 20 points and Lofty Mason 18 points.

The 18 hole competition was won by Nev Schroder 40 points, second was Matt O'Brien 37 points on count back from Len Ivey also 37 points.

2010

2010 Wamboin Open Golf Championship Results

Wamboin Open

The 24th Annual Wamboin Open Golf Championships were held on 7th November on the Wamboin Country Golf Course.

There were plenty of players for both the 18 and 9 hole competitions with great prizes to be won. We also had many juniors playing with Dad (and Mum). No player went home without a prize.

Encouragement award went to Logan Beckett with runner-up prizes to Alex, Madison, Jarrod, Phoebe and Taylor.

Nearest the pin awards went to; Jack Whitney, John Whitney, Phil Kuczma x2, Tim Barter x2, Nev Schroder x2, Larry King and Rachel Schroder.

2010 Junior Champion is Jack Whitney. 2010 Eclectic winner was Tim Barter.

Winners are Grinners

Club Champions (Net event) for 2010

9 Hole Champion is Peter Greenwood 39/30
    from Lofty Mason 46/33 and Ken Gordon 40/34.
18 Hole B Grade Champion is Larry King 95/66
    from Paul Griffin 100/76 and Peter Lacy 108/83.
18 Hole A Grade Champion is Tim Barter 80/64
    from Len Ivey 82/66 and Nev Schroder 82/69.
The 2010 Ladies Open (Junior Champion) is Rachel Schroder and
The 2010 Wamboin Men's Open Champion is John Whitney with a 79.

The Open was sponsored by the Wamboin Golf Club, part of the Wamboin Community Association.

October Competition Results

The weather was not great, it was a long weekend and school holidays, but still the golfers came out, the golf was played and the trophies, donated by Larry and Libby King, were well worth dodging the rain. We thank Larry and Libby for their long time sponsorship of the October competition.

Nearest the pin and long drive winners were; Larry King x3, Joan Mason, Paul Griffin and Peter Greenwood x2. The 9 hole event was won by Joan Mason with a net 30, Peter Greenwood second with net 40 and Lofty Mason third with net 42. The 18 hole competition was won by Paul Griffin with a net 60 from Jack Whitney net 66 and Larry King net 69 who generously donated his trophy to next place getter, Matt O'Brien.

February Competition Results

Golf in Wamboin for February was a stroke competition sponsored by the keen golfing family of John and Lisa Whitney. Young Rachel Schroder put in a good round to claim the Encouragement trophy this month.

Ball winners for long drives and nearest the pins were; Jack Whitney, Len Ivey, Nev Schroder x3, Paul Griffin, Joan Mason and Larry King. The 9 hole competition was won by Jack Whitney 44/29 from Peter Greenwood 38/30 and Ken Gordon 39/33. The 18 hole competition was won by Tim Barter 80/63 from Nev Schroder 79/65 and Paul Griffin 91/66.

Paul Griffin looks on as Len Ivey chips onto the 18th 'green'

New Year Competition

The New Year competition attracted a good number of players willing to walk around in the heat. The game was sponsored by long time supporters Dave and Jane Hubbard from Wiyagiba Trading in Wamboin. The event was a 3 club stableford game.

We welcomed Jason Beckett and his young son Logan for his first serious golf game which earned him the Encouragement Award.

Ball winners for nearest the pins and long drives were; Jack Whitney x2, Tim Barter x2, John Whitney x2, Tony Fisher, Joan Mason and Rob Graham. The winner of the 9 hole competition was Dave Hubbard, but being the sponsor, passed his trophy down the line to Farrah Urban on count back from Peter Greenwood. Third spot went to Lofty Mason with Joan Mason keeping it in the family coming in 4th.

The 18 hole competition was won by Tim Barter from John Whitney, Jack Whitney and Keith France.

2009

Christmas Cup

The Christmas competition was held in fairly warm weather on 6th December. Numbers were down probably due to the festive season but that meant that the prizes spread further. We thank Ted and Judith Evans for their continued sponsorship of the December competition with the usual array of Christmas hampers.

Young Taylor Miners received the Encouragement award of Christmas goodies and an indoor practice golf ball.

Long Drive and nearest the pin winners were; Paul Griffin, Tim Barter x2, Steve Miners x2 and Joan Mason with 3 golf balls.

Nine hole competition was won by Steve Miners 39/31 on count back from Joan Mason 44/31 with Peter Greenwood and Rob Gorham winning the minor prizes.

Eighteen hole competition was won by Tim Barter 84/67 with Paul Griffin in second position.

24th Wamboin Open Golf Championship

The 24th Wamboin Open Golf Championship was played and won on the Wamboin R & A (Rural and Agricultural) golf course on 1st November.

The 2009 Open Champion is Len Ivey, a one stroke winner from Nev Schroder and the ladies 2009 Champion is Lisa Whitney.

The A Grade Club Champion is Nev Schroder 78/64 with second place to Tim Barter 82/65. The B Grade Club Champion is Tom Argaet 86/60 with Paul Griffin 86/61 coming in 2nd. The 2009 Nine Hole Champion is Rob Gorham with a Ned Kelly score of 38/28 with Peter Greenwood in 2nd place. The 2009 Eclectic was won by Tim Barter.

Junior Champion is Jack Whitney and the Encouragement Award went to Rachel Schroder.

Long drive and nearest the pin winners were Ken Gordon, Tom Argaet x3, Len Ivey, John Whitney x2, Jack Whitney x2 and Dave Hubbard.

Our only visitor for the day, Peter Lucy,  went home a happy man with a stubby cooler and the experience of playing in the Wamboin Open.

It was great to see Charles Guscott return to Wamboin for the game after having moved to Adelaide 12 months ago.

17-05-2024