Wamboin Community Association

Golf

Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over five properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course are sand greens.

On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.

Then it is back to the hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.

Contact

Peter Greenwood  6238 3358


November Competition Results

The 35th Wamboin Open

Sunday, 1 November. So the Donald is immune from the plague and could have played in the 35th Wamboin Open. Well I guess that’s good news for the old fraud and those around him. Your correspondent’s call is that it didn’t come cheap. That Regeneron stuff costs an arm and a leg. And then there are the seven young guys in white coats tending to him (possibly doctors or Mormons like Howard Hughes had in his degenerative period). It all adds up to a pile of folding money that Dick Fosbury couldn’t ‘flop’ over. But it made POTUS look like he was on Love Potion No. 9 so I want some of it too. Professor Google tells me I can make Regeneron at home. The recipe’s straightforward but don’t forget to sign an Enduring Power of Attorney. Your correspondent required only a sniff of the stuff to play out of his skin in the 35th Wamboin Open, sponsored by the Wamboin Country Golf Club whom we thank for the prizes and finger food arranged by the Gordons and the Masons. Organisers were impressed by the number of entrants for the club’s marquee event despite the course being under water.

Weepers Drive title=

Back in the tally room, as we removed our wetsuits and flippers and the captain did the sums, the talk was of politics in general and elections in particular. It was good to see our state member and leader of the NSW Country Party, feisty Jack Barrelo (Porky, to his friends) back from leave to carry on his good work in Macquarie Street. No doubt a period of quiet reflection has convinced him to encourage his colleagues to tone down their attack on those pesky koalas, clearing of useless, fire-prone native vegetation, draining the Murray-Darling basin, giving a leg up to down-trodden developers and redistributing taxes to worthy electorally-sensitive causes. Our Glad, the Premier, would be happy to see him back. It could shift the focus from her erstwhile boyfriend, Jerry Maguire or Happy Gilmore or Deuce Bigalow. The only surprise in the ACT poll was the swing to the Greens. Look out for more pedal-powered trams. As expected, the harridanish Annerstakia (Nark of the North) got up in Queensland – a pity, considering her shabby refusal to allow our Raiders to fly in early to prepare for the NRL semi final v the Storm. We wished that nice Mr Trump well in his quest for re-election in the US but nice guys often finish last, so they say.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests, David Whitney (brother of John), Matt Hawke (new resident) and Jerry and Estelle Mander from Queensland (where else?). Pete Harrison told the memorial Ted Evans joke. Later that night the googly ball was awarded to Huey for sending it down in bucketfuls. Your correspondent got the dummy spit for pointing out the temperamental failings in others. LD/NTB ball winners were Alex Gordon, Colin Urquhart, Tim Barter 2, Ken Gordon, Glen Crafter, Vicki Still 2, Pete Harrison and Nev Schroder.

Winners

2020 junior champion was Alex Gordon 51/34 in his last year as a junior. He’ll find out that up in the seniors it’s a body contact sport. Encouragement awards for juniors went to Madison Gordon and Phoebe Beckett. Winners of the 2020 Eclectic were Ken Gordon (9 holes) and Tim Barter (18 holes). We now come to the 2020 handicap division. Winner over 9 holes was Lofty Mason 49/35 from runner-up Deb Gordon 59/37 and Larry King 62/45 3rd place. Winner over 18 holes was John Whitney 80/64 from Keith France 82/69 and Glen Crafter 85/71. The crowd then became silent as the captain, orb and mace in hand, mounted the rostrum to announce the names of the Wamboin 2020 Open Champions. They are: 2020 women’s open champion (18 holes) Vicki Still 104/81; 2020 women’s open champion (9 holes) Joan Mason 56/44. 2020 men’s open champion (18 holes) Tim Barter 80/72; 2020 men’s open champion (9 holes) Ken Gordon 43/39.

The Assembled Participants

Congratulations to our worthy winners and all who took part. Those who were unplaced in the comp were given a bottle of wine or a tomato plant. We gave the captain a bottle of whiskey for his good work over a long period.

Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 December for the Christmas Medal, pursuit of which will kick off at 12.30pm on the dot. Meanwhile we must continue to live with the virus and be wary of it. Keep your distance, wash your hands and wear your mask. You don’t want it and you don’t want to pass it on to friends, family and acquaintances. Remember the 10th Commandment: Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour’s wife – as advised by a prominent family lawyer.

Larry King, golfer

October Competition Results

The Oktoberfest Medal

Sunday, 4 October. As I sit here in the beer hall reading my copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ and waiting for the putsch to begin my thoughts turn to the great dictators of our time. There’s Hitler, of course, the daddy of them all, only matched for body count by Stalin and Mao Zedong (no, not a salad dressing). Then we have Robert Mugabe, Idi Amin VC KCMG VSOP, Vlad the Poisoner , She Gin Sling and that popular chap in Belarus (judging by his election results – eat your heart out Donald). And we shouldn’t forget the home-grown despots such as the hard-hearted Annerstackia Palaskerzuck, Commissar of Queensland, a hermit state much like North Korea where Fat Boy Fat reigns supreme. Such are the thoughts that run through your correspondent’s alleged mind as he prepares to tee off in the Wamboin Oktoberfest Medal sponsored by Paul Griffin (airman), Tim Barter (sailor) and providores, Diana Griffin and Vicki Still whom we thank for the prizes and eats. Unfortunately they spoilt the day by scoring play on the diabolical Stableford system. Nevertheless it was a superb Spring afternoon enabling one to don shorts for the first time since June.

Teeing off on Panorama

Back in the beer hall while the captain did the tally we all marveled at the ineptitude of the various Rum Corps running some of the former colonies. Who decided to pay $27 million for a paddock near Penrith worth $3 million? Who decided to hire those top class private security guards to supervise Melbourne’s plague-ridden hordes? It can’t be too hard to find the culprits (unless you don’t want to). A wise friend said: “just follow the money”. Who signed the cheques and who authorized them to do so? Simples! Of course, the answer lies in parenthesis (ibid).

On the 'green' at Weeper's Drive'

But the good news was that it looks like top churchman, George Pell, was given back his old gig in Rome by Pope Frank. You can’t keep a good man down. The pity is that it came at the expense of poor old Cardinal Becciu, head of the Vatican’s canonization bureau, reportedly sacked for corruption. And I was so looking forward to becoming a saint! It is said he was directing work to his family. The Medici would be laughing their heads off.

Winners & Grinners
Tim, Pete & Paul

The captain introduced our guests, Rachel and Phil Moran and Unkle Kel. Libby King told the memorial Ted Evans joke. The googly ball went to Nev Schroder for printing score cards giving two holes the same index (I don’t understand it either). The dummy spit was passed round those who complained about the absence of LDs and NTBS on the Eastern nine and the captain for his cranky response. Lucky Western nine ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Tim Barter 2 and Vicki Still. Young Robert Thompson again won the junior nine hole event with Madison Gordon runner-up. Senior nine hole winner was Ken Gordon, 21 Stableford points OCB from Lofty Mason also 21. Victorious in the 18 hole event was Pete Harrison 40 from David Bailey 31.

In November we will be holding the year’s marquee event, the 35th Wamboin Open. Join us in a physically distanced way at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 November for the 12.30pm shotgun start. Meanwhile spare a thought for those poor deluded supporters of President Donald S Trumpet trying to come to terms with the reality that their hero has caught the disease that didn’t exist or was “fake news” or was under control or could be cured by taking malaria pills or drinking Drano.

Larry King, golfer

September Competition Results

The Mason Spring Trophy

Sunday 6 September. The other day my old school mate, Percy Shelley, accosted me outside the Lake George and, without preamble, declaimed as follows: “When Winter comes can Spring be far behind?”

Now I don’t know about you but that struck me as a blinding flash of the obvious. So not to be outdone I riposted thus: “Spring has sprung, the grass has risen and we’re doing ‘bird’ in a COVID prison”. I was particularly proud of ‘bird’ which echoed the avian reference in the second line of the original couplet. I pointed this out to Bysshe—that’s what we called him at school—but all he said was “truth and beauty are catterel damage in doggerel poetry”, and sauntered off.

He’s right of course. His own elegant enquiry expresses a yearning for a better time when the earth, gently fanned by fragrant zephyrs, bursts with renewed fecundity. It is also an allegory of our own yearning to be rid of the pestilence now assailing our world.

Teeing off on Finn's Spotties'

And so we rejoice in the coming of Spring and its great harbinger the R&A Wamboin GC Spring Trophy, sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason. We thank them both for the prizes and the food, especially Joan's legendary Spring Rolls. The trophy, which features two pram springs, would ornament any pool room, mantle piece or cistern.

On the tee at Weeper's Drive'

The day’s play was a three-club Stableford. And so the lusty golfers of the region mounted their unicorns, and singing ‘Nymphs and Shepherds Come Away”, dashed into the abundant fertility and tumbling rivers, creeks, cascades and waterfalls of a Wamboin Spring.

Back at camp, as the captain sorted out the untruths from the equivocations, we assessed well-fed Treasurer Rogan Josh Friesanburger’s efforts to bring the economy back from the dead. We agreed it was a noble cause. Based on figures promptly provided from memory by live-wire Aged Care Minister, Dicky Colbeck, COVID infections, recoveries and deaths are each statistically insignificant relative to population. On the other hand, real unemployment, currently greater than 10% of the workforce (and climbing), is a statistically significant result of the persistent decline of GDP over two quarters, otherwise known as a recession. There is nothing insignificant about dying alone, either for the fatally infected or their excluded, grieving families. But neither should the country die of attrition with all its terrible consequences. Without a productive sector earning income (to consume), save (so that others may invest) and pay taxes (so the public sector can continue its work) the economy (i.e. all of us) is headed for the S bend. We agreed to cut the civil authority some slack as it went about its business of solving intractable problems.

The captain introduced our guests Kyle Griffin, scion of a local golfing family, Monty Verdi, Bywong handyman (“If it ain’t Baroque don’t fix it”) and Will Kanya from out West. Victoria Still (an allegory for the lockdown state?) told the Ted Evans memorial joke.

Winners & Grinners

The googly ball went to Kyle Griffin for a drive from the tee at Pine Slice which nearly flat-lined Pete Harrison playing on the next fairway (Short ‘n Sweet). Kyle was also awarded the dummy spit for disputing the reprimand for not calling “fore!” Your correspondent got the encouragement award (long, boring story).

Lofty, Paul & Joan

NTP and LD ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Vicki Still 2, Keith France 2, Joan Mason, Kyle Griffin, Tim Barter and Colin Urquhart. First across the line in the junior nine hole comp was the diminutive but talented Robert Thompson with 22 Stableford points from runner-up on 18 points, “Big Al” Gordon (his parents live in fear of another growth spurt). The family theme continued in the senior nine hole comp with Ken Gordon in the winner’s circle on 18 from Deb Gordon on 16. The winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 41 from that other burglar, Colin Urquhart 39. Paul also won the Spring Trophy and gets to keep the Ned Kelly award, the burglar’s highest accolade.

Next month is October. So bring your beer steins to the community hall on Bingley Way at 12 .15 pm on Sunday, 4 October. We’ll kick off at 12.30pm sharp. Physical distancing will be observed. Meanwhile let’s hope that Scomo and Rogan Josh can get the states to forget their AAA credit ratings and share the heavy fiscal lifting to kick the economy along. Those premiers are all closer than a dead heat.

Larry King, golfer

August Competition Results

Tradies' Day

Sunday, 2 August. Your correspondent, like many in Wamboin, moonlights as a rock farmer. In Spring they fairly jump out of the ground if you give them a good fertilizing in Winter. I favour superphosphate but it’s difficult to distribute evenly by simply casting from a bucket. So there I was driving down the Barton Highway (carefully avoiding all those poor women giving birth on the roadside) to a clearance sale near Binalong. I was after a piece of equipment I couldn’t get at Bunnings—well, not since they threw me out when I stood up for my rights as an individual by refusing to wear a mask and videoing their unconstitutional behaviour.

I realized my driver’s licence had expired when I was pulled over by the police for almost hitting a midwife delivering a baby just outside Murrumbateman. The next day, after a brief appearance in Queanbeyan District Court, I went into the Service NSW office to renew my licence but because of physical distancing they recommended I do it online or by phone. Well of course I had my mobile so I sat in the car and made the call. A nice young man took my details and the rest of the conversation went something like this:

Nice young man: I notice you must wear glasses when driving.

Me: that’s correct.

NYM: it’s been ten years since you renewed your licence, sir. You’ll have to do the eye test.

Me: OK let’s do it.

NYM: I’m not sure it can be done over the phone.

Me: it can’t be that hard. Let’s give it a go.

NYM: alright, sir. I’ll just put up the eye chart and you read the lowest line you can.

Me: I can’t see the eye chart.

NYM: maybe you shouldn’t be driving at all, sir.

Me: I mean over the phone. Tell you what; we’ll do the third line from the bottom. You start me off with the first letter.

NYM: OK. It’s D.

Me: D.

NYM: Very good, sir. Next please.

Me: give me a clue.

NYM: think of the road sign as you approach the intersection of Norton and Bungendore Roads.

Me: T?

NYM: very good, sir. Now try the first letter of a source of energy despised by all Greens

Me: that’d be uranium. U.

NYM: excellent, sir. The next letter looks a bit like the number two.

Me: too easy (pardon the pun). That’s Z.

NYM: nothing wrong with your eyes, sir. The last one’s a bit tricky. Think of the colour of the sea off Mollymook towards the end of an overcast day.

Me: Been there and seen it. The answer’s grey so the letter is G.

NYM: well done, sir! Are you sure you were wearing your glasses?

Me: yes, but I could have done it with my eyes shut.

And the rest was just paying by credit card, the details of which I won’t reveal if you don’t mind.

Saddle Up

Now what about the golf? It was Tradies Day so it was all high viz and utes with cattle dogs and chequer plate compartments full of other things that bite if you pick them up by the wrong end. We thank our sponsors, all members of the skilled trades, for the eats and prizes.

Back at the workshop, as the captain did the tally, we stood around (some outside) singing tradie-type songs made famous by Slim Dusty, Chisel, ZZ Top and the Charlie Daniels Band. Lofty Mason told the Ted Evans memorial joke.

Winners & Grinners
Tim

The googly ball went to Vicki Still for quite accidently hitting Tim Barter with a two-iron. The dummy spit went to Tim for needlessly exaggerating a minor injury. Encouragement awardees were Alex Gordon, Robert Thompson and Phoebe Beckett. The junior comp was won by Madison Gordon. The senior nine holers comp winner was David Thompson 47/27 from Deb Gordon 55/36 with Ken Gordon in 3rd place on 41/37. Victory in the 18 hole comp went to Tim Barter 72/63 OCB from Matt O’Brien 101/63 (two new knees and a Ned Kelly handicap) with Pete Harrison 91/64 3rd.

Next month it will be Spring when my rocks will be at their zenith. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 6 September for the 12.30pm start of the annual Wamboin GC Spring Trophy.

Meanwhile, more about that clearance sale in Binalong where I had better luck than my abortive trip to Bunnings. I found just the implement I was after but the placard didn’t have a lot number. So I picked it up and went in search of the Elders desk (the stock and station agents, not Colin and Anne). Would you believe it, as I walked around the paddock I noticed that people were falling over themselves to avoid me. Indeed, some ran away screaming. The penny finally dropped when I realized the placard read “super spreader”.

Larry King, golfer

July Competition Results

The Ted Evans Memorial GST Handicap

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday 5 July. My old cobber, Tommy Gray, said to me the other day “Larry, old sport, mark my words: for all that beauty or that wealth e’er gave, the paths of glory lead but to the grave.” I said “buck up, Tommy, you’re just a bit down because the Royal’s closed”. Then, around the corner comes my pal T S Eliot with a long face, and pointing to his arms he says “these arms are not wings to fly but merely vans to beat the air.” To which I replied “Kombi Vans or Transit Vans?” But he declined to play along and just shuffled off. Which all goes to show how much the plague and its corollaries such as lock down, isolation, economic hardship and a mendicant society are getting on our nerves. And just as we thought we had it by the throat it pops up again south of the border. (Those bloody Mexicans. We should build a wall.) Then there’s all the “special pleaders” with their hands out for more and the opportunists urging governments that now is the time to invest in their cockamamie schemes to save the nation. Meanwhile the few elected democracies in the world are being surrounded by dictatorships, autocracies, oligarchies and countries you don’t want to visit, much less live in, where the citizens are fighting over the meagre and diminishing resources of their sand-blasted and disease-ridden homelands. Fortunately America, the acknowledged leader of the free world, has stepped up to the plate. Oops! I’ll read that again. Unfortunately America is in the hands of a person with the IQ of a gold fish, the personality of a dish cloth, the vocabulary of a sulphur-crested cocky, the ethical code of a rattle snake and the vision of Mr Magoo. And Pooty’s now President-for-Life of the good old USSR. Now hasn’t all that cheered you up!

Lambert'sLeap

But as Dr Spooner said, golf wounds all heels. Being July, competition was for the Ted Evans Memorial GST Trophy (add 10% to your score just like Ted did to your consumption). We thank our sponsor, Jude Evans for the prizes and refreshments. It was the first day back after lockdown. The Hall was open and spirits were high. Observing strict physical distancing the goodly crowd hit the course singing songs of comfort and joy.

Afterwards, back in our beloved Hall (some had to take their turn standing outside) the captain tried to call us to order but could not be understood through his mask. Eventually, with the assistance of an Auslan interpreter, he got the show on the road.

Winners & Grinners
COVIDSafe

The googly ball went to your correspondent who related an anecdote concerning our late friend, Ted. The dummy spit award was passed around: although there had been many displays of temperament there were no actual tantrums to speak of. The junior comp was taken out by Robert Thompson 70/36. The winner of the senior nine hole comp was Colin Urquhart 42/29 from Nev Schroder 38/31. Colin handed the Ned Kelly trophy over to Tim Barter but maybe should have hung onto it. Victor of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/64 OCB from Vicki Still 87/64. Welcome back folks!

Next month is August, named after Augustus Caesar, so we’ll all be wearing togas. Join us in your Roman apparel plus laurel wreath for a Bacchanalia of a golf day. Don’t forget: 12.15pm sign in; 12.30pm start. Come late and you will be cast from the Tarpeian Rock. In the interim, congratulations to the lady from Bega, our new MP for Eden-Monaro. At time of writing it’s still an arm wrestle between Fiona McBain and Kristy Kotvojs. Whatever the outcome, let’s hope the winner looks after the great QPR and its regional capital, Wamboin.

Larry King, golfer

June Competition Results

Silverwater Correctional Centre, Sydney, Sunday, 7 June. Your correspondent enjoyed a short but exciting ride until they got him. I’m pleading temporary insanity: all that Covid 19 largesse dangled before me disturbed the balance of my mind. First it was the JobKeeper subsidy. As a self-employed pseudo journalist I applied for it after my gig at the Weekly became redundant (I’ve just been re-engaged by the Independent). Then, as a redundant employee of my own company, I put my name down for the JobSeeker allowance (well, why not?). As the money began rolling in I lost my sense of proportion and successfully sought the cash flow grant for small business, an advance on a superannuation policy I didn’t have, as well as grants from the Public Interest News-gathering program for regional areas and the ACT’s Homefront Arts Funding package. I think I went too far in getting a loan from Westpac and immediately applying for compassionate deferral of repayments. By that time I was working two jobs in the APS, one at Services Australia and one at the ATO, both created to handle the increased demand from applicants for various financial support schemes. At Services Australia I worked in the fraud section and was lucky enough to be given my own file to chase up. I figured it was time to pull the pin so I cashed out and stowed away aboard the Ruby Princess just as she was leaving Port Kembla. However, be sure your sins will find you out. When the ship pulled into Bora Bora I was arrested by two AFP officers and here I am on remand in the infirmary at Siverwater. You guessed it: I caught the damn virus on the damn boat. I’ll be out of isolation by the time my case comes up in July when I will be represented by Cleaver Greene.

Watergate

Meanwhile the lucky devils are back playing golf at Wamboin. Although the hall is still closed we held the 19th outside the machinery shed adjacent to the green on Lamberts Leap, the home or the Covid 19 Bridge. While the captain did the tally we marveled at his suggested “improvements” to the bridge and appurtenant works. Yes, he’s a qualified civil engineer with some national infrastructure projects on his CV but do we really need hand rails, flood level indicators, signs that say “No Swimming, Diving or Fishing”, “No Passing or Overtaking”, “Children Under Adult Supervision”, “Do Not Feed the Troll”, a life saving ring on a pole with CPR instructions, emergency phone numbers, security lighting, seating both sides, landscaping and a hot dog stall? Finn's SpottiesNo we don’t. We do need to thank those who pulled the day together at short notice: Lofty Mason (kick starter and fluid loss adjusters), Steve Lambert (venue and prizes), Joan Mason and Libby King (food). Despite all, we had a fair-sized crowd who meticulously observed social distancing. It was particularly encouraging to see Jude Evans.

Winners & Grinners
Joan & Steve

After your correspondent phoned-in the Ted Evans Memorial Joke the googly ball and the dummy spit went to Colin Urquhart for missing his wife’s birthday. Winner of the nine hole event was Joan “I played very well today” Mason 43/32 OCB from Nev Schroder 39/32 with Lofty Mason 49/36 in 3rd place. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Tim “Hangover” Barter 74/65 equaling the course record and showing that you can play good golf with a furry tongue. Runner-up was Paul Griffin 83/67 from Colin Urquhart 100/74. Join us inside or outside the community hall on Sunday 5 July for another exciting exercise in mind over matter. We sign in at 12.15pm and tee off at 12.30pm. You don’t have to be a great golfer to have fun. As Tim has demonstrated you can still play on three cylinders and a flat tyre.

Larry King, golfer

May Golf Report

The [could have been] Sailors' and Airmen's Trophy

COVID Bridge

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 3 May. An upside of the loneliness of the long distance corona virus is the stuff you can accomplish around the property in isolation. Let’s say you’re the proud owner and green keeper of four new golf holes, one of which has a deep gully between the tee and the green. What does this suggest? Of course, a bridge! And so it came to pass that Steve Lambert, member of the R&A Wamboin GC, set about the Herculean task of bridging Lambert’s Leap (hole 18, par 4). Please see the photo of the Covid 19 Bridge.

I know what you’re thinking: Ponte Vecchio, Millau Viaduct, and the old Sydney Coathanger. It is a sobering thought that in centuries to come archeologists will be propounding theories on how it was constructed—no doubt by thousands of slave labourers—using only the rude instruments and measurement of the 21st century. Drawings found at the site suggest to your correspondent that the basic unit of calibration was the cubit—the length of the forearm from elbow to fingertip or approximately 44cm. Had the more generous covid—two arms lengths, approx 1.5 metres—been used there would have been a wider span higher up the gully. But these things happen—that tower in Pisa didn’t decide to lean all by itself. The bridge will have its official opening when the plague passes and we are again able to gather. The club would like to hear from any members of the De Groot family who might be prepared to cut the ribbon.

Meanwhile, as I shoot up on disinfectant recommended by my old mate Donald Strumpet, I am mindful of his equally apposite advice re the spread of the virus. Like you, I listen very carefully to his fact-laden press conferences and was particularly impressed by the assertion that China couldn’t be blamed entirely for the proliferation (already well under control) of an innocent little concoction circulating within parochial Wuhan. When asked directly by the annoying CNN reporter “if not China, then who?” The Prez responded in his open, direct way ”correct! WHO!” (Not to be confused with The Who or Hu Jintao—look him up.) I thought to myself: POTUS is on to something. WHO has form. Remember WHO killed Roger Rabbit? (They probably did it with myxo.) Anyway, I’m with ScoMo. There ought to be an inquiry. At least it’ll help the struggling legal profession.

Now, if I may change the subject (and, of course, I may—you’re not here to stop me) our cancelled competition would have been held two days before the anniversary of a most significant day in the march of civilisation. 5 May 1789 marks the beginning of Modern History. Why? The French Revolution, that’s why. Over the course of the following ten years the foundations were laid—somewhat bloodily, I acknowledge—for legal, political and social reforms which those of us lucky enough to be living in countries such as ours tend to take for granted. It was, admittedly, bad luck for Louis XVI and his cake-scoffing consort but you and I haven’t done too badly out of it. So think about it while you’re isolating and maybe sing the famous barricade song (‘Do You Hear the People Sing?’) from ‘Les Miz’.

And if gatherings of more than two are permitted in June, join us at the Community Hall on Bingley Way at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 June for a game of golf, a sport introduced to Scotland by Mary, Queen of Scots upon her return from France—according to the French.

Larry King, once was golfer

April Golf Report

The [was to be] Wamboin Mini Masters

Mahogany Ridge, Sunday, 5 April. Your correspondent is in a bit of a spin. Here he is at home, self-oscillating. Also self-isolating, social-distancing, hand-washing, mask-wearing and all that. What’s inducing the mood swings is the sheer bloody dreariness of it all. In the early days of the pandemic it was exciting: going around all the supermarkets, panic buying, hoarding stuff, elbowing pensioners aside, and playing the frail aged off the hip. Happy days! I’ve got enough toilet paper, kitchen paper and tissues to insulate a three-bay machinery shed. But now, utter boredom! And the word is they’ve cancelled the Masters! Not only that paltry effort in the US but also the Wamboin Mini Masters. So here I am like my close personal friend, Samuel Pepys, writing in my diary about a great plague ringing changes to the world as we knew it.

All Done(y)

Excuse me, it’s 3pm. Time to scratch myself (who said I was lazy). I really look forward to these little highlights of my days in hibernation. Now where was I? Ah yes, great changes in life. But it’s good to know that COVID-19 is even-handed and impartial. It attacks the great and small without discrimination. In the UK Charley and Boris have got it. (I hope the Groom of the Stool has access to sufficient toilet paper.) I am attracted to the advice Boris was getting from his CMO: let the virus run wild through the population to generate “herd immunity”—over 70s to be quarantined in the interim. It would be quicker but produce more fatalities which raises moral issues for the squeamish. Nevertheless it would thin the ranks of those pesky baby boomers who will spend the best part of the next 20 years bludging on later generations. However your correspondent is a committed moralist (two years in Callan Park), and believes we should support the civil authority in times of crisis. I therefore go along with “flattening the curve” despite the mounting cost. It is a melancholy reflection that no Australian alive today is ever again likely to see a balanced federal budget. But if it stops us fighting in the streets that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

Saddle Up

If this really was a golf report the googly ball would go to Donald Strumpet who, like the excessively cheerful Pollyanna, continues to predict an early resumption of business as usual. The dummy spit would go to the whingeing cruise ship passengers quarantined—for free—in five star hotels without having to worry about where their next four course meal is coming from.

If the stars align you may consider joining us at the community hall on Sunday, 3 May for a game of golf. Meanwhile I hope you are safe, well and employed or at least benefitting from the various economic safety nets like JobKeeper. I’m OK (thanks for asking). As a reporter for a respected regional newspaper I’m in an “essential occupation”. In fact, SB-J has promised to double my ages.

Larry King, hermit

March Competition Results

Pine Slice

Sunday, 1 March. So there’s your correspondent, enjoying the Captain Cook Cruises trip around the islands—Goat Island, Shark Island, Cockatoo Island, Clark Island and Pinchgut Island—when a terrible thirst overcomes him. He breasts the bar and says to the Mexican bar attendant in as much Spanish as he can muster “uno Corona beerus por favor, and hold the lemon”. She jumps overboard screaming as a SWAT team of paramedics in full Hazmat gear throw him to the deck and whisk him off to isolation on Gilligan’s Island out in the Timor Sea or the Arafura or wherever. So that is why this report comes to you from Mahogany Ridge, relying upon the truth-telling citizens of the Palerang. The day was sponsored by Deb and Ken Gordon whom we thank for the refreshments and prizes. They nominated a comp determined by stroke play. And so players mounted their iron horses and galloped off into the green-tinged Wamboin panorama.

Champagne Gully

Back at the Hall we rhapsodized at the changes wrought in the natural world by the waning fires, the dissipating smoke and the soaking rains. We congratulated ourselves on having dodged the bullet (this time) as we thought compassionately of those who hadn’t. We lapsed whimsical on the ironies of fate and how fear of the burning of the South Eastern seaboard was replaced by the pandemic of COVID-19. (What happened to the other 18, eh?) And in that melancholy mood, conversation turned to the disappearance of Holden. I have to say that, although I never miss the Wheels of Wamboin, I’m not what you’d call a motorhead. So when I got home I dug out my old worm-ridden copy of Catcher in the Rye to see if Holden was still there. And of course he was. And so it will be for the millions of fans of the mighty Australian marque. Memories linger on.

Winners & Grinners

The captain, having marshalled the crowd in stentorian terms, introduced our guests, Don Izetti, Ross Ini and Belle Canto all the way from Naples. Apologies were received from Ted Evans.

Mads & Phoebe

The googly ball went to your correspondent in recognition of his absence on handicap maintenance. You can guess who got the dummy spit: yes, it’s still Vicki (anger management isn’t working). Encouragement awards went to Mads Gordon and Lemily, a first time golfer. LD and NTP ball winners were Vicki Still 3, Paul Griffin, Pete Harrison, Glen Crafter and Ken Gordon.

Phoebe Beckett won the junior comp 71/31. Winner of the seniors nine hole comp was Lofty Mason 46/33, from Joan Mason 45/34 with Samuel Urquhart 52/37 in 3rd place. The 18 hole comp winner was Tim Barter 76/67 from Vicki Still 90/68 OCB from Paul Griffin 83/68.

Next month is the Masters. I mean the Wamboin Mini Masters sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association. Join us at 12.15pm at the Community Hall for the usual prompt 12.30pm kick-off. And the next time somebody says to you “it is what it is” you look down the twin barrels of your nose and reply “and it isn’t what it isn’t “. It means the same thing: bugger-all!

Larry King, golfer.

February Competition Results

Sunday, 3 February. “Now is the Summer of our discontent” as my old chum Richard III would have so adroitly put it. Drought, fire, tempest, hail, dust and pestilence (coronavirus). And let’s not forget the elephant smoking Cuban cigars in the corner, the planetary climate. Those Four Horsemen of the Acropolis are at it again! So I’ll just say I hope you’re safe from the fires and their aftermath as you read this. Your correspondent has been busy preparing the Upper Wamboin Mosquito Firefighting Unit as he worries about the future for poor old Harry and Mehghanh (can’t remember where the “h” goes). I hope they’re not reduced to busking in a draughty Montreal subway.

The day was sponsored by the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the prizes and refreshments. It was also hot (but you knew that) so many players started at around 7am to beat the worst of the heat.

Panorama

Afterwards we reassembled at the evacuation centre, and expressed our regret at the passing of Jim Morrison, front man for The Doors. It’s not well-known that Jim multi-tasked as director of our ANG and was instrumental in the purchase of “Jack the Dripper” Pollack’s Blue Piles. (What other kind are there?) We also bemoaned the rough treatment meted out to the federal agriculture minister, Bridie McNaughty, for her top class work as former sports minister. We thought a person who can recognize a pork barrel when they see it is a lay-down misère for promotion to the portfolio responsible for animal husbandry.

In light of the reappearance of the hardy annual debate about Australia Day, the flag and the anthem, we exercised the collective mind to solve all three conundrums. The date was easy: 21 June, Lionel Rose’s birthday. You just can’t go past the first indigenous Australian to win a world boxing title and to be named Australian of the year. In later life he was a successful businessman and all-round good bloke, by all accounts. The flag’s a “gimme”: a green Qantas kangaroo on a gold background. The song was tougher and, to be honest, I don’t think we cracked it. There was a lot of support for “Jail Break” by ACDC, reflecting whitefellas’ convict past but of different significance to blackfellas. “We are One but We are Many “was thought to appeal only to wet, woke, inner-city greenies. We flatly rejected “Take your feet off the table, father, and give the cheese a chance” and “ If I had to do it all over again I’d do it all over you” as lacking the necessary gravitas. We settled on the Marseillaise. Yes, I know it’s already taken but it’s a damn good song and can get you a round of applause at the Tres Bon.

Winners & Grinners
Wise?

The captain brought us to order by introducing the three wise monkeys, one of which (Tim the Elder) was genuinely hard of hearing.

The googly ball went to Barnaby Joyce for having another go at running the Country Party. But, as Alice Roosevelt said, a soufflé can’t rise twice. The dummy spit was awarded to the team of Tim “Battling” Barter and Vicki ”Moonshine” Still, who were at it again, so we sent them off for counselling.

Nev & Steve

Encouragement awards went to Phoebe Beckett and the young Gordons (and the medal of valour to Deb). Robert Thompson won the junior comp from runner-up, Tim Nelson. Winner of the senior nine hole comp was Steve Lambert 42/30 from Ken Gordon 38/34. Victor in the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 85/70 with Tim Barter 2nd 83/71.

On Sunday, 1 March you may wish to join us at the hall at 12.15pm for the dependable 12.30pm start of the Mad March Hare Medal. Meanwhile, think this one through: will we exhaust the strength of the Sun’s rays by the over-use of solar energy? And if so could that spell doom for wind and tidal power which, in essence, are created by the Sun? And if so, what’s left? First neatest, legible entry wins a self-paid-all-expenses holiday at a beachside retreat in Kiribati.

Larry King, golfer

January Competition Results

Sunday, 5 January. A mild Summer’s day, 25°C with a consolatory breeze coming in from the NW at a steady 15 clicks. The 120mm of rain over the previous week had washed out the smoke as it filled tanks, topped up depleted dams and generally gave new life to the parched earth and its unique and variegated flora and fauna. The golfers of the region, revitalized by the benign turn in the climate, sang like the larks in Spring as they set off into the fresh and verdant landscape garden we call Wamboin knowing that, like Candide, we live in the best of all possible worlds. Sure, the US Senate had failed to convict impeached Prez D Strumpet but the man himself, with his usual self-effacing modesty and respect for tradition, had voluntarily resigned making way for the much-admired Abraham Lincoln. Our own SkocoMo had returned refreshed from an extended family holiday on Devil’s Island to capably retake the reins. He thanked the charismatic acting PM (whose name your correspondent may recall in the fullness of time), for his competent interim management of government affairs including his ubiquitous and empathetic handling of the national emergencies. Former Nats leader, Inspector Barnaby, got his new year’s wish granted—“I just don’t want the Government any more in my life!”—when the government cancelled all subsidies, bounties and tax deductions for primary producers. Farmers and graziers thanked him with tears of gratitude (or something) streaming from their eyes.

Saddle Up

And then I woke up. Turned out it was, in fact, a coolish day. But the sun was red and the throat-scorching smoke as thick as a fog on a Winter’s morning. So rule 579 kicked in: start time arbitrary and only nine holes played. The day was sponsored by Wiyagiba Trading and we thank Dave Hubbard for the prizes. Or we would if he’d turned up. Instead he was trapped at Fire Control marshalling tankers for the battle to our East. He made his mark though, by declaring a three-club Stableford competition. So it was Lofty and Joan Mason to the rescue, for which they earn our gratitude.

Where it lay

Back in the fog machine, as the captain tried to decipher the smoky score cards, we expressed our admiration for the way the media (other than, of course, the Weekly) were bolstering the nation’s confidence in the civil authority by putting the slipper into poor old ScoMo and his talent-rich cabinet at every opportunity. We wondered if anything worthwhile could emerge from the present adversity. Then we remembered those good ol’ one-trick-ponies down at the Reserve Bank using the blunt instrument of monetary policy to kick the economy along by dynamiting interest rates (“it didn’t work, let’s do it again”). Looks like Guv Low will get his wish and Treasurer Friesanburger will blow the surplus on fiscal measures to rebuild infrastructure and peoples’ lives. Anyway, let’s hope so.

Winners & Grinners

The captain welcomed our guests, Brenda Barnard all the way from the UK, Alan, Maureen and Lorraine Schroder from Adelaide and Scott and Lila Mason from Cairns. Ted Evans told us why he could be a bit late. Pete Harrison got the googly ball for insisting on playing his shot where it lay on the fire brigade’s wire mesh hose-drying rack (see photo). Your correspondent was unfairly awarded the dummy spit for his good manners in informing his golfing partners of his playing intentions (i.e. DNP).

Joan & Lila

The encouragement award went to Phoebe Beckett. There were no LD or NTP balls awarded due to the slackness of the green keepers. Winner of the junior comp was Lila Mason on a count back. Winner of the senior comp was Samuel Urquhart (now officially a senior) with 19 Stableford points on a count back from Tim Barter with Pete Harrison in 3rd place on 17. Well played, one and all.

Next month is February. My, hasn’t the year flown past! Join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 February for the usual 12.30pm start to a spirit-lifting game of golf. Meanwhile keep safe and watch your neighbour’s back.

Larry King, golfer

2019

December Competition Results

The Christmas Cup

Pine Slice

Sunday, 1 December. And did the wind blow! Some of our smaller golfers were carried away like Dorothy and Toto and we haven’t found them yet. The hurricane thinned the field for the Christmas Cup, some scuttling for home, others never having left it. Pikers, I say! Pikers! Wait ‘til Santa hears. Your correspondent, temporarily disabled by a slightly chipped finger nail, was forced to sit the gale out in front of the 2nd test v Pakistan but struggled gamely to make the 19th hole—hence this deadly accurate account of the day’s play which was sponsored by a brace of Peter: Peter Greenwood and Pete Harrison. We thank them cordially for the prizes and refreshments. Competition was decided by stroke play adjusted for handicap.

Timber Trap

Back in the bunker as the captain toted the scores and the players rubbed feeling back into their pinched little wind-blown faces, sympathy was expressed for the late Cecil Rhodes, no doubt rotating in his mausoleum at the dumbing down of recipients of his famous scholarship to Oxford University. Think of the following Rhodes Scholars who come across as at least lacking judgement if not precisely dim witted: Tony Rabbit, Malcontent Turnbull and, lately, Anguish Tailor, minister for land clearing and sworn enemy of Crab Grass Moore, Lord Mayor of the Big Smoke. [Note to self: don’t forget to ring old mate NSW police commissioner to get the goss on what ScoGo Sharks wanted.] We then re-ran the Melbourne Cup. Your correspondent had engaged ALP luminaries, Craig Emerson and Jay Wetherill, to find out why he did his dough. Their report revealed (a) an uninspiring leader (the jockey); (b) bad policies (the horse); (c) inept campaign (horse ran the wrong way round the course). We then discussed what Chinese President-for-life, She Gin Sling, would do about Hong Kong. Answer: nothing. Shanghai can replace it as an entrepot port any day. And then we mourned the death of the remarkable Clive James.

Winners & Grinners
Pete & Vicki

The captain noted that Ted Evans was recovering in one of the ACTs many superb hospitals. We wish him well. The googly ball went to Col and Samuel Urquhart who played the wrong nine hole course despite the email advice to all golfers. The dummy spit was awarded to Pete Harrison for complaining about the lack of an Esky to greet players on the Wirreanda holes (I’d hate to be that desperate). Encouragement awards went to Makayla Millia, Phoebe Beckett, Robert Thompson and Tim Nelson. LD and NTP ball winners were the Urquhart boys as consolation for playing the wrong nine holes. The Urquhart family also retained the Ned Kelly Trophy, a masterpiece of the concreter’s art. Winner of the junior comp was Alex Gordon 53/34. Winner of the senior nine hole event was Ken Gordon 37/33 from David Thompson 53/36. First place getter in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 74/66 from Vicki Still 96/76. Apparently they “battled” their way around the course in every sense of that word. Well played all, you’re a credit to clean living!

Next month it will be 2020, the UN International Year of Excellent Vision and Extraordinary Hindsight. If you can see your way clear, why not join us at the community hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 January for the usual 12.30pm blast off. Meanwhile spare a thought (and more) for former Wamboinians, Jake Annetts and Angela Hunter, who lost their house in the North Black Range fire. And remember that we, too, live in a fire prone area so make your plans and stay safe over the Summer.

Larry King, golfer

16-07-2020